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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should i tell exh im stopping sending money

88 replies

Stealthynamechange · 14/11/2020 15:09

Hi all

Ive posted about this before, exh was/is controlling & abusive. I was sending half child benefit to him (this is related to past threats i believe he would have carried out). We have one ds 3 years, lives with me 4/7 no child arrangement order, ive never claimed maintence although i struggle for money. I now have a clean financial break order in place & have at the advise of my solicitor cancelled the standing order to my exh. I'm waiting for him to take me to court for ds which he told me he was doing at mediation.
Should i tell him im not sending anymore money across? Im scared of what he will do.
Thanks mumsnet!

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 14/11/2020 15:10

What do you think he might do?

Original poster
Stealthynamechange · 14/11/2020 15:12

When ive tried to stop in the past he with held contact.

OP posts:
Thewithesarehere · 14/11/2020 15:12

Do you mean he refused to see D.C.?

Original poster
Stealthynamechange · 14/11/2020 15:13

Hes also threatened to have older dog put to sleep, he no longer allows me to see the dog though

OP posts:
Original poster
Stealthynamechange · 14/11/2020 15:14

No he refused to let me see ds

OP posts:
Mum198000 · 14/11/2020 15:15

Go to court and get an order saying you have the kids and he has contact. Or he could take them and you can’t stop him.

38weekswithno2 · 14/11/2020 15:16

You need to get a court order in place ASAP for access to your child

Original poster
Stealthynamechange · 14/11/2020 15:16

Yes i know that, im worried he will.

OP posts:
crosspelican · 14/11/2020 15:16

If I undestand correctly, he withholds his own contact with his child, not yours, right?

Fuck it. Honestly. You can't PAY the man to see his own child. However, given what you say, I would possibly tell your local police station what is going on. Just that you have been pressured into sending him the child benefit, and you finally want to stop, but are afraid of the consequences. That he will notice on XYZ date and you afraid of what will happen. Ask them to help if he threatens you.

Original poster
Stealthynamechange · 14/11/2020 15:16

Im waiting for him to take me to court for ds.

OP posts:
crosspelican · 14/11/2020 15:17

I don't understand - "No he refused to let me see ds" - when does HE see his son, if he is with you 24/7?

Get a court order first, perhaps.

VettiyaIruken · 14/11/2020 15:21

Don't wait for him to take you to court. You start things and get custody set.
Then deal with the what is it £10 a week the arsehole is taking?

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/11/2020 15:23

Did you post about this recently including a lot of text messages?

Soubriquet · 14/11/2020 15:23

I’m confused

If you have one ds, and he lives with you, how does exh stop you from seeing him?

TeenPlusTwenties · 14/11/2020 15:25

I read it as the OP has the DS 4 days out of 7.
So the ex could take the DS for his 3 days and refuse to return him.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 14/11/2020 15:26

OP says her child lives with her 4 days in 7 not 24/7.

So her ex has previously refused to return their child.

And they have no court order.

Original poster
Stealthynamechange · 14/11/2020 15:26

Ds is with me 4/7 not 24/7.
Im happy with current arrangement for ds (except it would be nice to have a weekend off every now & again!). Which is why ive not applied to court. I tried mediation which is when he said hes going to take me to court.
The 40 is half child benefit.

OP posts:
ShalomToYouJackie · 14/11/2020 15:27

I think OP means 4/7 as in 4 days out of 7.

Original poster
Stealthynamechange · 14/11/2020 15:27

Yes ive posted about this in the past but have continued to send him the money.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stealthynamechange · 14/11/2020 15:28

Yes i mean 4 nights out of 7 - thurs, fri, sat & tues.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stealthynamechange · 14/11/2020 15:32

Thinking of sending this: Hi exh I will no longer be sending you half of the child benefit. If you feel that you have a claim in half the amount you can contact them directly and they will process your application
What do you think?

OP posts:
freezedriedromance · 14/11/2020 15:36

No. Stop faffing with it and put an application in to go to court. Once you have a court order it will a) be evidence to send to child benefit if he does put his own claim in and b) stop you worrying about him withholding contact. If you have proof of abuse you don't need to attend mediation. If you're on a low income you can get the fee waived. Once you have the court order, phone the child maintenance service. It isn't 50/50 care so even if its only a small amount he will be required to pay something. Anything else is just delaying the inevitable.

38weekswithno2 · 14/11/2020 15:39

You can apply to the court to get the access arrangement formalised so he can't withhold your child from you again.

Soubriquet · 14/11/2020 15:42

Ah I apologise

I would go to court and get it formally done if it hasn’t been already

You shouldn’t have to “pay” to see your own son, and he is effectively blackmailing you which is illegal isn’t it?

ConeTogether · 14/11/2020 15:46

If custody is split basically 50/50 then why shouldn't CB be split to? Presumably DS's dad has the same costs?

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