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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should i tell exh im stopping sending money

88 replies

Stealthynamechange · 14/11/2020 15:09

Hi all

Ive posted about this before, exh was/is controlling & abusive. I was sending half child benefit to him (this is related to past threats i believe he would have carried out). We have one ds 3 years, lives with me 4/7 no child arrangement order, ive never claimed maintence although i struggle for money. I now have a clean financial break order in place & have at the advise of my solicitor cancelled the standing order to my exh. I'm waiting for him to take me to court for ds which he told me he was doing at mediation.
Should i tell him im not sending anymore money across? Im scared of what he will do.
Thanks mumsnet!

OP posts:
unmarkedbythat · 14/11/2020 16:26

I would listen to the solicitor. I do appreciate the fear though, and its much easier for me to say it than for you to do it.

HallieKnight · 14/11/2020 16:29

If you want to give him every other weekend that's ok but it would make him the primary caregiver so you might end up paying more

pinkyredrose · 14/11/2020 16:35

Why does your son spend so much time with him if he's abusive?

Original poster
Stealthynamechange · 14/11/2020 16:41

If it was eow it would be with him having one overnight in the week, im not proposing to stop being resident parent.
Its not about the money its about the control he has over me. If chb say hes getting the benefit then fine, im worse of financially but don't have him holding that over me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stealthynamechange · 14/11/2020 16:44

The question is what do i tell him? Ive sent money for november & cancelled standing order.

OP posts:
HallieKnight · 14/11/2020 16:45

See the thing is you can't take away his days because you want to go out at the weekend

Original poster
Stealthynamechange · 14/11/2020 16:46

That is not what im saying 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
AlwaysCheddar · 14/11/2020 16:47

Cancel the money and go to court.

ConeTogether · 14/11/2020 16:49

@HallieKnight

When the parents have about even custody usually the parent with the lower income get it. However if again it's about even then they split it.

But just focus on getting your custody agreement formalised before worrying about that as custody could change

Ah that makes more sense. Thanks Hallie.
SoVeryLost · 14/11/2020 16:51

@liveitwell that is nonsense. Child benefit goes to the main carer, care isn't split 50/50 so maintenance is also due to the OP.

Rtmhwales · 14/11/2020 16:52

Does your ex pay for all the childcare costs on his weekdays?
TBF the way it's done in the UK, I'd rather have my kid on weekends if I worked M-F anyway. More quality time with them, less childcare costs.

just5morepeas · 14/11/2020 16:52

I don't know why people are being so argumentative op, but I'd just stick to the facts. Just tell him you've been advised to stop payments by your solicitor. You don't have to explain yourself more than that. It's up to him how he reacts and there's nothing you can do about his reaction.

Tiktaktoe · 14/11/2020 16:53

Does you ex pay for childcare for Mon Tues and Wed?

Rtmhwales · 14/11/2020 16:55

Honestly I'd apply to go to court anyway and have a different access sorted out. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday until 19:00 and Tuesdays seem random. Why does XH have him Sunday nights and mondays, then a break and Wednesday's? That's a lot of unnecessary back and forth compared to 4 days with one, 3 days with the other.

KarlKennedysDurianFruit · 14/11/2020 16:57

Go to court, get a proper contact arrangement that allows you to see your child at weekends equally , you can even frame it that once DC is at school your ex will have less quality time with DC. It will have to be a 2 week arrangement eg week 1 you have him Tues, Thurs, Fri, sat nights then week 2 you have him Sunday, Monday, Wednesday nights, ex gets the same that makes it 50/50 so if you want to keep 4/3 you might do Friday every week but alternate Saturdays so you both get time for a social life and you both get time at the weekend to do things with DC. If you're on a lower income it's likely you will keep CB

Original poster
Stealthynamechange · 14/11/2020 17:00

Thanks @just5morepeas i'll do that.

Seriously, i didnt come on here for an argument. But no he has never contributed to childcare costs, regardless of which day it is. & yes i love having quality time with ds, i feel guilty enough for wanting the odd day to myself (which i only get if i book a monday off work) without people here making me feel worse.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stealthynamechange · 14/11/2020 17:02

@KarlKennedysDurianFruit i have already suggested a 2 weekly or even monthly pattern to exh he doesnt agree with it.

I have higher income & live alone, he lives with his dad in a mortgage free house.

OP posts:
OurChristmasMiracle · 14/11/2020 17:04

As you are the one fronting the costs. I’m guessing on top of childcare you do the majority of clothing and school uniform so of course you should get the child benefit.

Maybe it’s time to send him a list of costs when Ds is with him that he’s liable for?

Start with half school uniform
School lunch costs
Childcare costs.

I’m sure that’s more than £40 a month right???

Frouby · 14/11/2020 17:05

Once he starts school things will change anyway. I had this from my ex, he wanted dd mon after nursery until Tues teatime every week then Thursday afternoons dropping her back off anytime between 2pm and 5pm depending how he felt. It was to make me have to pay for nursery, stop me working weekends and make sure I didn't go out. The Thursday afternoon 2 to 5pm drop off was because Thursday was my day off, oh and Tuesday teatime was so I again organised my days off (I worked mon/wed/fri) around being available when he decided to call and say he was on his way back with her.

He also kicked off because I was getting wtc and cb and he should be entitled to claim for at least some of it.

Tbh OP you already have a solicitor who knows more than we do, stick with the advice you are getting from them and make sure you are primary carer.

HallieKnight · 14/11/2020 17:07

Ah ok I just read your other thread. So he works at the weekend and you don't so that's why you always have him at the weekend. And on Thursday your ex has him in the day and you get him at bed time. And he doesn't work in the week so it works out for both of you and more importantly for your child but you earn a lot more.

Castiel07 · 14/11/2020 17:08

This needs to go to court, it needs to be sorted once and for all.
Then no demanding money if not warranted and no threats to keep your son.
If he has form for controlling behaviour it won't stop at the money.

RandomMess · 14/11/2020 17:10

Don't tell him don't communicate with him. If he fails to return DS you get an emergency court hearing and get him returned. It will look very very very bad on him if he fails to return DS for ANY reason other than following advice of SS!

Love51 · 14/11/2020 17:10

If someone contacts child benefit and says they are taking on main care of a child, they will move the money to the new claimant. If I were you I would contact child benefit and explain you are and continue to be the main carer but he may try a malicious claim. Child benefit goes to the primary carer, if he's abusive I would be massively concerned about him becoming the primary carer.

NameChangerinDespair · 14/11/2020 17:16

@RandomMess if he has Parental Responsibility, there is no Child Arrangement Order, and he doesn't return the Child, there is nothing to be done unless you go to Court. I have been there.

RandomMess · 14/11/2020 17:28

That's what I said, take it to court...