Should i tell exh im stopping sending money

[Stealthynamechange]

Hi all

Ive posted about this before, exh was/is controlling & abusive. I was sending half child benefit to him (this is related to past threats i believe he would have carried out). We have one ds 3 years, lives with me 4/7 no child arrangement order, ive never claimed maintence although i struggle for money. I now have a clean financial break order in place & have at the advise of my solicitor cancelled the standing order to my exh. I'm waiting for him to take me to court for ds which he told me he was doing at mediation.
Should i tell him im not sending anymore money across? Im scared of what he will do.
Thanks mumsnet!

Child benefit sounds the least of the problems. He pays you:

1. No maintenance.
2. Doesn’t pay for childcare on his days.
3. Withholds your son from you to abuse you.

You absolutely MUST go to court and get it set in stone so that each parent pays for childcare on their own days, he cannot withhold your son from you, and he pays maintenance if it’s owed. This sounds an absolute shit situation. Sorry, OP. Must be so stressful.

Honestly, if I didn't need the money I'd probably consider it money well spent if it shut him up and made my life easier. But then again, sometimes the emotional cost of seeing money go to someone who is nasty is worse. I think you have to consider the financial and emotional costs to yourself and go from there.

He sounds like such a shit that I think you'll be better off with some sort of legal access arrangement order. Otherwise he's going to keep jerking you around when it suits his convenience or when he decides he's angry at you for some reason.

Why are you waiting for him to go to Court? I would do it because he is using the threat of court to scare. It’s another tactic that actually could well play into your favour.

I don’t know the background story here but have you looked at counselling/contacted Woman Aid? You need to detach even more from our ex and find ways to not let him get under your skin

You are not going to protect yourself from controlling behaviour by starting a symbolic war over CB.
Get a solicitor and go through the courts to protect yourself and address issues any financial and contact issues.

So you pay for childcare even when he has your child? He should be paying for his own days.
Keep all the child benefit.

Ok i'll still send him the money.
Will speak to my solicitor on monday to get formal arrangement in place.
Thanks to everyone who was supportive.

Don't send him the money! You are paying your solicitor to advise you. Take their advise.
As others have said, take your ex to Court. You need to take control rather than react to him.

@Stealthynamechange

Ok i'll still send him the money. Will speak to my solicitor on monday to get formal arrangement in place. Thanks to everyone who was supportive.

Speak to your solicitor by all means to start the process. I think you'll be much better off with arrangements set out legally.

I know that child orders in the UK are different than where I am (US). Where I am if a parent refuses to return a child (in violation of a court order) that parent is subject to arrest and prosecution. But as I understand it, the same is not true in the UK, it's considered a 'civil matter' unless the order specifies otherwise. So, speak to your solicitor about that if you feel he'll still try to hold over your head the threat that he won't return your child.

And listen, don't keep sending the money simply because some of us here have said to do it. Do it because it is the alternative that you can most easily live with, at least for the present.

I can't believe any posters are suggesting sending the money still.

You are the primary carer. Its your money. Cancel it and apply to the court for a Child Arrangement Order. Put your big girl pants on!

Who buys his clothes, food, toys, and other things he needs?

@Stealthynamechange

Ok i'll still send him the money. Will speak to my solicitor on monday to get formal arrangement in place. Thanks to everyone who was supportive.

Right. Forget the tosh above. Cancel the standing order. He has no claim. It is in effect extortion. You are the resident parent, so you claim the cb. You do not need to alert him, explain or give options due to you not sharing the cb. End of. If he opts to go court it will cost him to apply. And court won't give a toss about cb. He can at anytime regardless of agreement go to apply and appeal for the cb directly. So even though you're paying him half he could still apply. He's unlikely to be successful with him not being the resident parent. If he did you could appeal and imo should if this happened. SOLELY BECAUSE CB IS A GATEWAY BENEFIT and you need that security in case your circumstances changed in the future, as the resident parent. Say nothing. Don't pay anymore.

Your split is usual how does it work does your ex collect DS after work? And DS stay overnight as his?
Once your DS starts school how will this all work for him? Is your child happy with the arrangement?

I wouldn’t split the CB. It’s all confusing that your ex doesn’t pay CSA so who is suppose to buy clothes and so on for your child OP

I also think that you should make a maintenance claim via the cms. You have the child for the majority of the week and are the resident parent, so legally and morally he should contribute. If you don't need the money then save it for your lo. But ultimately not claiming is negatively impacting on your child.