Should i tell exh im stopping sending money

[Stealthynamechange]

Hi all

Ive posted about this before, exh was/is controlling & abusive. I was sending half child benefit to him (this is related to past threats i believe he would have carried out). We have one ds 3 years, lives with me 4/7 no child arrangement order, ive never claimed maintence although i struggle for money. I now have a clean financial break order in place & have at the advise of my solicitor cancelled the standing order to my exh. I'm waiting for him to take me to court for ds which he told me he was doing at mediation.
Should i tell him im not sending anymore money across? Im scared of what he will do.
Thanks mumsnet!

*too

When people say they are “taking you to court” what do you think it means?

It just means they are going to apply to the family court to adjust or set an arrangement in place.

In this case your ex is saying he is going to try and apply for full custody i assume? Well that’s why unlikely to happen. Especially if your current set up is working and your DC is happy, safe and secure.

So please please please stop assuming “I’m taking you to court” means he will be taking full time custody. He is using this as a method to control you and the situation.

In the meantime YOU actually need to apply to court for a formalised contact agreement. Other PPs will be far more educated and experienced in
This but please don’t let the fact it’s “court” put you off. It is there to help, to set guidelines and formalise agreements - it’s much better than just being left to the mercy of your ex’s whims.

Sounds like you need to be a it more proactive. Get the custody agreement formalised. Get child maintenance in place. Take him to court if you need to.
Don’t wait for him to do it after threatening you.

Its not 50/50 it's 60/40.
Child benefits agency never order it to be split.
It is a form of control.
I know this & im trying to be strong now i have the clean break order in place.

@ConeTogether custody is not 50/50, it’s less than that and ex doesn’t pay any maintenance and also importantly she has been advised by a solicitor to stop paying him half.

So on all these bases, why should she continue? Especially when he is using it as a manipulation tool

Child benefit can't be split, anyway. It's awarded to one parent and it's entirely at their discretion if they give the non-resident parent any. Although if he's having your child just under half the week, I wouldn't say he's being manifestly unreasonable. At any rate, you need to get a Consent Order drawn up.

[quote 2020iscancelled]@ConeTogether custody is not 50/50, it’s less than that and ex doesn’t pay any maintenance and also importantly she has been advised by a solicitor to stop paying him half.

So on all these bases, why should she continue? Especially when he is using it as a manipulation tool[/quote]
Ok 60/40. Not trying to be horrible just always assumed CB would be split unless one parent has basically full-time custody. But at 60/40 dad would also be paying for extra room/heating/clothes/toys. Hence my question as to why it wouldn't be split. Similarly why would there be custody to pay? I guess for the one extra day? But even then surely the costs will be the same for both parents? It's not even as if mum has DC on all weekdays and is then lumbered with all the childcare costs?

Sorry OP this is purely out of interest. Your DP doesn't sound pleasant which is presumably the main point here really anyway. I hope you are able to sort it all out.

@PoorMansPaulaRadcliffe

Child benefit can't be split, anyway. It's awarded to one parent and it's entirely at their discretion if they give the non-resident parent any. Although if he's having your child just under half the week, I wouldn't say he's being manifestly unreasonable. At any rate, you need to get a Consent Order drawn up.

Exactly my point. If I was essentially sharing custody with my DC's father and he claimed all of the CB and wanted maintenance on top (not based on OP just on previous posters message) I would be rather hacked off at the unfairness of that!

You're fighting over £40 a month? Is it really worth it?

When the parents have about even custody usually the parent with the lower income get it. However if again it's about even then they split it.

But just focus on getting your custody agreement formalised before worrying about that as custody could change

Sorry OP I think in this case unless you want full custody I would give him half the child benefit. Only because he is near enough 50/50.

You have paid a solicitor. Take his advice

Also finalise your contact agreement incase things sour over time. And stop fighting over £40 it's not worth it

I have ds every weekend, i pay any childcare costs. Hes using it to control me. It's interesting posters think i should continue to send it.

Do you want him to have more custody then?

I find it interesting that he has him 3 nights a week and it doesnt include weekends? Do you think this is so you dont go out ? Another form of control?

Stop sending it, tell him you have been advised by your solicitor. Of course he shouldn’t be getting half of ds is with you more than him.

You need to get this sorted in court (contact) so he can’t threaten to withhold contact. I hope you get it sorted soon, he sounds very controlling.

I want him to have quality time with ds esp when he goes to school in sept.

@Stealthynamechange

Its not 50/50 it's 60/40. Child benefits agency never order it to be split. It is a form of control. I know this & im trying to be strong now i have the clean break order in place.

He's entitled to 40% of it then. You share custody so any payments in relation to your child should be shared too, no?

Your financial difficulties shouldn't be a factor in this.

He may well be trying to control you but that doesn't change the fact that he's entitled to 40% of it as he has his child 40% of the time.

Isn’t this cohesive control and now acknowledged as abuse? So actually the police might be a good stop first.

@moreofaslummythanyummy

I find it interesting that he has him 3 nights a week and it doesnt include weekends? Do you think this is so you dont go out ? Another form of control?

OP said she has her son Thurs, Fri, Sat and Tuesday. So she has Sundays off.

And she's said it works for her.

Yes im sure the weekends are about controlling me so i cant go out. I have suggested lots of options, all have been rejected by him.

Ffs autocorrect!

He collects at 1900 sundays for clarity.

Coercive control! And this absolutely is. And if you report to the police then this will be helpful in family court.