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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have told him to take a run and jump

99 replies

wheresmycookies · 14/11/2020 14:28

My Mum and Dad were in their thirties when they had me (Im the youngest of four; Three brothers and me an only girl) and they have a friend who is at least twenty years older than them who has never been married and had inappropriate friendships with Women almost thirty years younger than him. That friend has some kind of mental health issue and he's been in and out of hospital for as long as I've known him so more or less since my birth

I recently found out from my brothers that he abused me, I wont go into much of the details but the abuse wasn't physical, and because I'd repressed the memories that now keep me up and awake and very scared at night, my parents didn't do anything about it. They say he "didnt mean any harm" and "He's mentally ill" I agree he is, and its very sad that he's struggling with mental health but he knew what he was doing.

I was on a trail not far from my house a couple weeks ago when he approached me. I held my hand out, told him to stay back and not step any closer. I said some rather harsh things along the lines of "Get lost" but I used a few nasty words. Told him he could take a run and jump off a cliff before he ever touched me again. Now my parents say I should apologise because I hurt him.

I'm sorry I spewed all this or if it seems unbelievable - I'm shaking as I type this out. And Im sorry if its in the wrong category, I just wanted others opinions, was I too harsh? Was I being unreasonable to tell him to get lost?

Also; incase anyone asks, I'm going to therapy over video call so Im getting the help I need and deserve

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 14/11/2020 14:30

Why the hell didn't your parents protect you? Id be having strong words with them.

Thehop · 14/11/2020 14:32

Your parents are apologists, I’m so sorry you have to try to unpick this.

YANBU to protect yourself now however you damn well choose.

LittleMissnotLittleMrs · 14/11/2020 14:34

YANBU in the slightest IMO. You were incredibly refrained. If your parents know what happened, they are being ridiculously unreasonable. If they don’t, I would tell them. If it was sexual abuse and you feel able, I’d also go to the police but I’m not you and I’m not in your position. I hope your brothers are supporting you x

wheresmycookies · 14/11/2020 14:34

@madcatladyforever I've asked them a hundred times. Never get a response from them

OP posts:
LittleMissnotLittleMrs · 14/11/2020 14:36

If your parents aren’t answering your questions, they could be embarrassed. BUT that doesn’t trump your right to ask and have answered that question. I’d step back from them right now until they are ready to listen to you

user1498572889 · 14/11/2020 14:36

How comes your brothers told you now?

flaviaritt · 14/11/2020 14:37

I’m going to be flamed here... but I genuinely want to understand how your parents let something happen that has caused you to be in therapy and makes you shake to talk about it, but they are still defending him. When you say the abuse wasn’t physical, what was it? Not the details, but it would helpful to know (roughly) what we’re talking about.

HollowTalk · 14/11/2020 14:37

Your parents should be protecting you, not him. There's no way on earth I'd be apologising to him.

But isn't it a running jump?

WunWun · 14/11/2020 14:40

What do you mean the abuse wasn't physical, give you said don't touch me again?

Your parents are absolutely disgusting.

pickingdaisies · 14/11/2020 14:41

I'd say you went into survival mode, you reacted just how you needed to at the moment to protect yourself. No need to feel guilty, no need to apologise to anyone. Your parents are very wrong to ask you to apologise. They should be begging for your forgiveness, for not saving you from this person when you were completely reliant on them to do so. So they get no say in how you deal with it now.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 14/11/2020 14:41

HE abused you and your parents are concerned that YOU upset HIM?

OP, I can't emphasise enough how fucked up that is. I'm so, so sorry that the people you should have relied on to protect you should have so monumentally failed you. There is no justification for this: none. Their actions have been terribly, grievously wrong and you have nothing to reproach yourself with.

I speak as a victim of child abuse and teenage gang rape. I'm glad to see you are receiving help for your trauma, because from experience I know that the longer the abuse goes back into childhood - even if you have no memory of it at all - the most profound the impact upon you will be and the harder it is to unpick in therapy.

I had cPTSD as a result of my experiences. It took until well into adulthood even to recognise that I had this condition, and when I did I felt I'd been thrown a lifebelt. I could now put a name to the condition that was making me increasingly ill, I recognised its symptoms, and I knew it was eminently treatable.

18 months of EMDR therapy have given me my life back: a life which owing to the nature of human responses to trauma, I never recognised had been stolen from me in the first place.

Wishing you all that's best from life and your continued recovery. (NB. unlike your parents I'm delighted you told your horrific abuser where to go and what to do with himself when he got there. Kudos!)

Flowers
GaryTheDemon · 14/11/2020 14:41

No you don’t need to apologise and if anything you need to double down as him staying away from you is a non-negotiable boundary. I’d be tempted to put it in writing to him and then ‘you did X to me so you are never to come near me or my home. If you are somewhere I go I will leave. I do not forgive what you did.’

Oldraver · 14/11/2020 14:42

Now my parents say I should apologise because I hurt him.

Did you reply to this ? I wouldn't of blamed you for having a few choice words to say to them. You owe no one an apology

Your parents really should be on their knees begging YOUR forgiveness though I think not protecting your child is unforgivable

wheresmycookies · 14/11/2020 14:42

@flaviaritt

I’m going to be flamed here... but I genuinely want to understand how your parents let something happen that has caused you to be in therapy and makes you shake to talk about it, but they are still defending him. When you say the abuse wasn’t physical, what was it? Not the details, but it would helpful to know (roughly) what we’re talking about.
Sexual abuse, I wasn't given any other details than that. My parents let it happen because that's them although they stopped talking to him for a year or two - They think that girls who are raped should carry their rapists babies. And they're "Christian" so is their friend. They probably didn't want his Church to shun him
OP posts:
WunWun · 14/11/2020 14:44

Sexual abuse is physical.

I know it's easy for me to say, but I would cut ties with my parents over this.

Have you had counseling?

picklemewalnuts · 14/11/2020 14:44

Can I ask, are you alright until your brothers told you, or were you struggling with things and they helped you work out why? I'm trying to understand.

Whatever the answer, you have every right to stand your ground, swear at him to stay away from you, and actually to turn this on your parents and say that you expect an apology from them for choosing him over you- repeatedly- even now.

picklemewalnuts · 14/11/2020 14:45

I typed that before your update. I'm so sorry.

wheresmycookies · 14/11/2020 14:45

@WunWun

What do you mean the abuse wasn't physical, give you said don't touch me again?

Your parents are absolutely disgusting.

The abuse was Sexual. He also gaslighted me and my brothers claiming they were making it up
OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 14/11/2020 14:45

You should consider going to the police.

flaviaritt · 14/11/2020 14:46

I have to tell you what I think: your parents sound like a clear and present threat to your mental health, and frankly I would be concerned for you having contact with them. Please look after yourself.

FippertyGibbett · 14/11/2020 14:47

Do you remember any of it or are you going off what your brothers told you ?
Have you considered telling the police, it might help you ?

VettiyaIruken · 14/11/2020 14:47

Your parents basically offered you up for abuse by him.
Christians? Bollocks. If there is heaven and hell, they are destined for the pit and you should tell them so!

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 14/11/2020 14:50

I have to tell you what I think: your parents sound like a clear and present threat to your mental health, and frankly I would be concerned for you having contact with them. Please look after yourself.

I'm afraid I agree.

Lollypop701 · 14/11/2020 14:50

So your parents think you should apologise to the man who abused you because you hurt his feelings. I have no words op. Please tell your parents that you will be reporting to the police, and as they were aware will need to give evidence. Let’s see how the church, friends and neighbors view their complicity in child abuse . Op you deserve so much better than these people, the fact you are moving forward is amazing.

SBTLove · 14/11/2020 14:50

When you said wasnt physical I was racking my brains,sexual abuse is physical fgs.
Get this paedophile reported to the police, and cut off your disgusting parents; who are NOT any kind of Christians.