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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have told him to take a run and jump

99 replies

wheresmycookies · 14/11/2020 14:28

My Mum and Dad were in their thirties when they had me (Im the youngest of four; Three brothers and me an only girl) and they have a friend who is at least twenty years older than them who has never been married and had inappropriate friendships with Women almost thirty years younger than him. That friend has some kind of mental health issue and he's been in and out of hospital for as long as I've known him so more or less since my birth

I recently found out from my brothers that he abused me, I wont go into much of the details but the abuse wasn't physical, and because I'd repressed the memories that now keep me up and awake and very scared at night, my parents didn't do anything about it. They say he "didnt mean any harm" and "He's mentally ill" I agree he is, and its very sad that he's struggling with mental health but he knew what he was doing.

I was on a trail not far from my house a couple weeks ago when he approached me. I held my hand out, told him to stay back and not step any closer. I said some rather harsh things along the lines of "Get lost" but I used a few nasty words. Told him he could take a run and jump off a cliff before he ever touched me again. Now my parents say I should apologise because I hurt him.

I'm sorry I spewed all this or if it seems unbelievable - I'm shaking as I type this out. And Im sorry if its in the wrong category, I just wanted others opinions, was I too harsh? Was I being unreasonable to tell him to get lost?

Also; incase anyone asks, I'm going to therapy over video call so Im getting the help I need and deserve

OP posts:

Original poster

wheresmycookies · 14/11/2020 14:51

@FippertyGibbett I've had lots of flashes of things. The most recent one I had was of a man taking his pants and underwear off in front of me. It's what made my brothers tell me

OP posts:

Silverstripe · 14/11/2020 14:53

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. It is not your job to make your abuser feel better about himself. And I’m so sorry your parents didn’t protect you. I hope you’re able to heal and be at peace

Original poster

wheresmycookies · 14/11/2020 14:53

@SBTLove

When you said wasnt physical I was racking my brains,sexual abuse is physical fgs. Get this paedophile reported to the police, and cut off your disgusting parents; who are NOT any kind of Christians.

Not always. My parents friend used to grab himself in front of me (That one I CAN remember) That's classed as Sexual abuse too

I'm in the process of cutting off my parents

OP posts:

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 14/11/2020 14:54

I’d consider reporting him to the police. I’d also consider reporting him to the church, they are much better at safeguarding than they used to be.

HollowTalk · 14/11/2020 14:55

Given that your brothers remember more than you do and that (thankfully) you're losing contact with your parents, I'd go to the police about this. Your brothers will back you up. You might find there's more to your parents than you knew, too.

MeredithGreysScalpel · 14/11/2020 14:55

Physical and sexual abuse are two separate things. Sorry you are having to explain this to argumentative people on here.

FippertyGibbett · 14/11/2020 14:55

I get a flash back of something that happened to me as a child, but it was done by a child of the same age. So I suppose that would be classed of some kind of inquisitive child incident, but it’s still unpleasant when I remember.

Nottherealslimshady · 14/11/2020 14:57

Your parent sget fucked if they think you should apologise to your abuser for hurting his feelings. They can appologise to their daughter for allowing her to be abused.
God forbid you tarnish their reputation by letting the church know they allowed their friend to abuse their daughter.

GaryTheDemon · 14/11/2020 14:57

You poor thing! Your parents don’t deserve to be called parents. I would report him for historical sexual abuse. He should be in prison and on the register.

Original poster

wheresmycookies · 14/11/2020 14:59

For everyone who's told me to go to Police; He's already known to local authorities. And to the few hospitals in my area, he also has a doctor who helps him. I'll be okay now that I've got it out and I can start to make sense of things. It's nice to know that people believe me, this was the only place I could think of to get all my thoughts out

OP posts:

Thewithesarehere · 14/11/2020 15:02

Report this man and probably your parents too too. It will give you closure that you are stopping abusers and their enablers from spreading their filth. You sound so incredibly strong

Thewithesarehere · 14/11/2020 15:03

Just saw your update. Cross posted with you.

flaviaritt · 14/11/2020 15:04

Of course we believe you.

ABCDay · 14/11/2020 15:05

@wheresmycookies

If he's already known to the authorities but they don't know of your case it would probably be very helpful for them to hear from you, if you can bear it

Original poster

wheresmycookies · 14/11/2020 15:06

@MeredithGreysScalpel

Physical and sexual abuse are two separate things. Sorry you are having to explain this to argumentative people on here.

I'm not giving them too much thought. Argumentative people have far too much time on their hands it seems but thank you anyways

OP posts:

BrightYellowDaffodil · 14/11/2020 15:09

I believe you. You have done nothing wrong. You did not deserve this.

I’m sorry your parents didn’t protect you, you had - and have - every right to expect that they did. You do not owe this man an apology.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 14/11/2020 15:14

This is partly why I detest the encouragement on here and irl to " be nice " turn the other cheek , rise above it. Consider their condition / diagnosis / emotional trauma....

Screw that. He abused you . Your parents did not protect you . You are doing absolutely the right thing by cutting them off. I'm so sorry OP and you need to deal with this In the way that helps you the most. Your parents are very much complicit in this.

IrkedEssex · 14/11/2020 15:14

OP you were not being unreasonable but your parents are. It is very sad that religion is used as a cloak for bad behaviour. If he were to be shunned he would throughly deserve it but I wouldn't be surprised if the religion in question would believe him over you in any case.

Mental illness or no his behaviour was wrong and the behaviour of your parents was and is doubly wrong.

I'm glad you're getting the help you need.

Blossomhill4 · 14/11/2020 15:15

I don’t know what’s more odd the man or your parents! (I think it’s your parents).

So you was not aware that this was the man who abused you until your brother told you OP?
I wouldn’t speak to my parents if they were mine they can’t be trusted either.

MotherofTerriers · 14/11/2020 15:15

I would report to the police and the church and no nc with your parents. They should have protected you and I am so sorry that they didn't.

Hoppinggreen · 14/11/2020 15:17

I believe you

Original poster

wheresmycookies · 14/11/2020 15:20

@Blossomhill4

I don’t know what’s more odd the man or your parents! (I think it’s your parents).

So you was not aware that this was the man who abused you until your brother told you OP?
I wouldn’t speak to my parents if they were mine they can’t be trusted either.

He just made me super uncomfortable, he was very inappropriate all the time and I'd repressed the memories except for two; Him grabbing himself and staring at my breasts when I was about twelve and him taking off his pants and undies in front of me when I was much younger. Thats why my brothers told me, I happened to mention it to them then asked if it was our Dad, they said "No. It was Parent's friend, it happened a lot" But because they'd already grown up and left they couldn't do much about it - I lived with my parents as a child.

OP posts:

CrazyPigeonLadyMarried2Trans · 14/11/2020 15:25

I agree that this needs to go to the police. It will be hard, but by speaking up you might be saving others from suffering the same, or give others the courage to speak up as well (there may very well be others).

They knew he was mentally ill but they failed to protect you. That is no excuse. He sounds like a danger to young girls and women (I assume that's his preference as you didn't say anything about him targeting your brothers). Quite frankly, he needs to be put away where he can't harm anyone.

This may strain or even end your relationship with your parents but they are a fault, not you and if they can't accept that, then screw them frankly.

justconcedealready · 14/11/2020 15:31

I'd report your parents and the man to the police, frankly.

Oreservoir · 14/11/2020 15:32

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. You’re parents had a duty to protect you and they decided not to.
You were just a child and now you’re trying to process what must have been some very scary and confusing abuses.
I don’t think you’ll ever trust your parents again so you can’t really go forward as long as they’re trying to influence your response to what happened.
Put yourself first as your parents should have done before and should be doing now.

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