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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told him to take a run and jump

99 replies

wheresmycookies · 14/11/2020 14:28

My Mum and Dad were in their thirties when they had me (Im the youngest of four; Three brothers and me an only girl) and they have a friend who is at least twenty years older than them who has never been married and had inappropriate friendships with Women almost thirty years younger than him. That friend has some kind of mental health issue and he's been in and out of hospital for as long as I've known him so more or less since my birth

I recently found out from my brothers that he abused me, I wont go into much of the details but the abuse wasn't physical, and because I'd repressed the memories that now keep me up and awake and very scared at night, my parents didn't do anything about it. They say he "didnt mean any harm" and "He's mentally ill" I agree he is, and its very sad that he's struggling with mental health but he knew what he was doing.

I was on a trail not far from my house a couple weeks ago when he approached me. I held my hand out, told him to stay back and not step any closer. I said some rather harsh things along the lines of "Get lost" but I used a few nasty words. Told him he could take a run and jump off a cliff before he ever touched me again. Now my parents say I should apologise because I hurt him.

I'm sorry I spewed all this or if it seems unbelievable - I'm shaking as I type this out. And Im sorry if its in the wrong category, I just wanted others opinions, was I too harsh? Was I being unreasonable to tell him to get lost?

Also; incase anyone asks, I'm going to therapy over video call so Im getting the help I need and deserve

OP posts:
Original poster
wheresmycookies · 14/11/2020 15:34

@CrazyPigeonLadyMarried2Trans

My brothers fought ALL the time with each other. They used each other as targets and got some good hits and kicks in, so he'd have stood no chance if he tried to do the same to them. I've never asked if he did the same to them as I dont want to upset them anymore than they already are. My oldest brother and his wife have gone NC with my Mum and Dad and I live with them now

OP posts:
Blossomhill4 · 14/11/2020 15:36

It sounds terrible. Do your parents have some kind of issue? Because most people would be alarmed if someone started undressing themselves in their house even as a child let alone their in front of their kids!!
Where was your mum when this was taking place? Was she not in the actual room.

WunWun · 14/11/2020 15:43

I'm really disgusted that someone has called me argumentative for pointing out to the OP that sexual abuse can't be passed off as 'not physical'. Of course it's physical. He physically assaulted her. I was making a point that it's not to be brushed off.

WunWun · 14/11/2020 15:44

I'm hiding this thread now as that has really fucking upset me.

I hope you get the help you need to get through this, OP.

Clarice99 · 14/11/2020 15:46

OP, I believe you and I'm so sorry this happened Flowers

Your parents are disgusting. They failed to protect you and they're not supporting you now. Absolutely no way should anyone suggest that you owe that man an apology, least of all your parents FGS.

I agree with other posters about reporting this man AND your parents to the police and cutting ties with your parents.

donquixotedelamancha · 14/11/2020 15:46

For everyone who's told me to go to Police; He's already known to local authorities. And to the few hospitals in my area, he also has a doctor who helps him.

Any information the police and NHS get will help them to protect others.

WTF to do about your parents, I have no clue. Just know that it's not you, it's entirely them. They aren't being 'Christian' about it- quite the opposite. They've failed in the most basic aspects of parenting. Whatever you decide about them, don't feel quilty- your only concern is your wellfare.

I think you should do whatever is best for you. Going to the police will not be fun but may give you a sense of closure. If you'd prefer to put it behind you then that's OK too.

If you do go to the police, write down a brief time-line of what you started to remember and what your various family members told you- so you can be clear when you speak to them and there is no chance of your parents claiming you are only remembering what you were told.

I think you should do whatever

EstellaHanclay · 14/11/2020 15:50

This is awful, and as pp's have mentioned really strange reactions from your parents. I think you should report op, there may be more to this and you reporting could help. Flowers

HermioneWeasley · 14/11/2020 15:53

I’m so sorry OP, your parents should have protected you. He’s disgusting and so are they.

Take care of yourself

Original poster
wheresmycookies · 14/11/2020 15:53

@WunWun

I'm really disgusted that someone has called me argumentative for pointing out to the OP that sexual abuse can't be passed off as 'not physical'. Of course it's physical. He physically assaulted her. I was making a point that it's not to be brushed off.
He didn't "physically assault" me. He sexually assaulted me, there is a difference. You were being argumentative, quite frankly I dont care if you hide this thread. I was never bruised, he used to pull his pants down and touch himself in front of me. He used to stare at my breasts and make comments that were inappropriare, I know all this from talking to my brothers the past few hours - I asked them if I could make this post and they've been filling me in

Sexual assault isn't just physical. And you're very VERY wrong in assuming that. Goodbye now. Have a blessed day

OP posts:
Original poster
wheresmycookies · 14/11/2020 16:01

Thank you everyone for the kind words - I'm not sure if I can go to the police as the UK is locked down again but I have notes and stuff from talking to my brothers all day. I've got a brief overlay of what happened and my brothers are going to fill in any missing gaps for me.

My shaking has stopped. And I'm relatively calm. You've all been so kind and compassionate but I think for now I need to take a break. As someone now claims she knows what my abuse was and Im getting mad at that fact. Please be safe, wash those hands my cherubs

And once again - Thank you, from the bottom of my heart

OP posts:
Humberbear · 14/11/2020 16:06

So this man was touching himself sexually in front of you who was a child at the time. This happened on several occasions and your brothers (who you said were adults at the time) sat and watched it happen and never did anything?
If that was the case they are as bad as him.

Rollingdragon · 14/11/2020 16:10

You can go to the police if you want to. They are working as normal.

Original poster
wheresmycookies · 14/11/2020 16:12

@Humberbear

So this man was touching himself sexually in front of you who was a child at the time. This happened on several occasions and your brothers (who you said were adults at the time) sat and watched it happen and never did anything? If that was the case they are as bad as him.
They walked in on him doing it but thanks for assuming my brothers (One of whom is a Nurse and GAY) are culprits in this. Because they're not. They are the most wonderful guys in the world and I wont have them vilified like that.

It's not their faults they couldn't do anything. They didnt live at home and like I said; This Man gaslighted me and my brothers many times. But if you had read the many comments you'd have known that. I came here to share an experience that's left me reeling

My brothers never sat and watched anything. None of them would do a thing, they all work with vulnerable people every day. AND they're all Fathers themselves. But thanks for assuming, it really makes an ass out of you

OP posts:
Meowchickameowmeow · 14/11/2020 16:15

Call 101 and ask for some advice, this needs reporting and they'll help you through what steps to take.

Your parents disgust me in thinking that this should be swept under the carpet.

callmeadoctor · 14/11/2020 16:17

I think it would be more helpful if your brothers went to the police as witnesses. You say you don't remember.

Meowchickameowmeow · 14/11/2020 16:17

If that was the case they are as bad as him

If they were all children at the time then the only one to blame is the person doing the abusing, we don't blame children for their inability to protect other children.

Therealjudgejudy · 14/11/2020 16:22

I believe you. Please take care of yourself and your mental health Flowers

goatsgalore · 14/11/2020 16:23

What does your brother being a nurse and gay have to do with anything?
Of course you can go to the police in the pandemic.

Fouroclockonamarblemorning · 14/11/2020 16:23

@picklemewalnuts

You should consider going to the police.
Absolutely pointless if she can’t remember what happened. They won’t investigate something reported by a third party.
Original poster
wheresmycookies · 14/11/2020 16:24

@Meowchickameowmeow

If that was the case they are as bad as him

If they were all children at the time then the only one to blame is the person doing the abusing, we don't blame children for their inability to protect other children.

They were all adults. But the only one who should be blamed is the abuser, my brothers protected me as best they could. It wasn't their job to look after me, their jobs were to be my brothers. It was down to my Sperm and Egg donor to protect me

My brothers got the heck out as soon as they could, I saw them every fortnight - I really don't want people blaming my brothers. They tried their best, they really did.

OP posts:
Original poster
wheresmycookies · 14/11/2020 16:29

As I've stated many many times; This Man was known to the authorities. He was a danger to himself according to the notes my brothers made (I believe he has Bipolar but doesnt take his meds - Red flag right their "Mum" and "Dad") I repressed those memories as most trauma victims do to survive.

I dont remember most of what my brothers told me - I feel like Im reading about someone else's life. I only vividly and accurately remember two memories; Him staring at my breasts and touching himself and him pulling his pants and underwear down in front of me

OP posts:
Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 14/11/2020 16:32

Sorry OP but if your brothers were adults and actually witnessed this abuse with their own eyes, and did nothing, then they are responsible too.
Did your parents witness the abuse aswell?

heuchterteuchter · 14/11/2020 16:32

@wheresmycookies I'm so sorry you've suffered at this man's hands. And your parents neglect. I'm a survivor of CSA also, tho my parents went straight to the police. I'm so glad you have your brothers to help you and pleased to see you're accessing help.
I can't recommend therapy enough and I wish you well in your healing journey.
I would definitely go NC with your parents, what they did allowing your abuse, is unforgivable. I would also consider in time reporting him to the police. To protect other young girls and perhaps encourage other victims to come forward.
best wishes to you and your brothers Flowers

Original poster
wheresmycookies · 14/11/2020 16:35

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Sorry OP but if your brothers were adults and actually witnessed this abuse with their own eyes, and did nothing, then they are responsible too. Did your parents witness the abuse aswell?
My brothers didn't do nothing though. They told the police and my abuser gaslighted my brothers - So HOW exactly are my brothers in the wrong? My abuser played it up to he didnt know what he was doing because he didnt have hid meds and he was in a depressive state (Which is his answer for EVERYTHING. He recently borrowed a large amount of money and never paid my Dad back then blamed that on his Bipolar too)

He knew what he was doing. My brothers weren't in the wrong. From what they've told me they went to the police a few times but nothing was done because this Man claimed he was "Unwell" He uses his mental health issues for everything

OP posts:
MarieIVanArkleStinks · 14/11/2020 16:37

Oh op, what a tragic tale.

Your brothers were also children. That means they were powerless to protect you: siblings who have witnessed abuse are also sometimes traumatised by this. I've talked openly and honestly to my own brother about it. He witnessed our father slamming my head down a door and kicking me whilst I was rolled up in a ball on the floor. He gave me concussion.

My brother feels dreadfully about it: he was three years younger, couldn't have done one thing to protect me and always felt awful about the fact that he was cast as the golden child (younger and the boy) whilst I was the scapegoat.

It wasn't his fault, any more than it was mine. 100% of the blame belongs to the abuser. Your parents would also be far less to blame if they'd known and suspected nothing. The fact that they not only knew but enabled your abuser makes them guilty of a criminal offence: 'failure to protect' I think it used to be called, I don't know whether that is still the case.

I loved my mother dearly but it's forced me to confront some very painful questions about her, too. We discussed this frankly and openly before she died - this was before my therapy but it does still nag at me a bit.

As to physical -v- sexual abuse, the distinction here isn't important other than to say it does not make your experiences less valid then if he had touched you. I've experienced both, and am often depressed by the hierarchy associated which kinds of assault/sexual crime is more 'serious' than other. They're all bloody awful, and they all have a similar effect.

You sound very strong and pragmatic, and have a clarity of vision that is commendable (considering how much trauma can obscure that clarity). I salute you.

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