To have told him to take a run and jump

[wheresmycookies]

My Mum and Dad were in their thirties when they had me (Im the youngest of four; Three brothers and me an only girl) and they have a friend who is at least twenty years older than them who has never been married and had inappropriate friendships with Women almost thirty years younger than him. That friend has some kind of mental health issue and he's been in and out of hospital for as long as I've known him so more or less since my birth

I recently found out from my brothers that he abused me, I wont go into much of the details but the abuse wasn't physical, and because I'd repressed the memories that now keep me up and awake and very scared at night, my parents didn't do anything about it. They say he "didnt mean any harm" and "He's mentally ill" I agree he is, and its very sad that he's struggling with mental health but he knew what he was doing.

I was on a trail not far from my house a couple weeks ago when he approached me. I held my hand out, told him to stay back and not step any closer. I said some rather harsh things along the lines of "Get lost" but I used a few nasty words. Told him he could take a run and jump off a cliff before he ever touched me again. Now my parents say I should apologise because I hurt him.

I'm sorry I spewed all this or if it seems unbelievable - I'm shaking as I type this out. And Im sorry if its in the wrong category, I just wanted others opinions, was I too harsh? Was I being unreasonable to tell him to get lost?

Also; incase anyone asks, I'm going to therapy over video call so Im getting the help I need and deserve

Don’t let your parents make you think that mental illness explains or excuses sexual abuse. He’s a disgusting criminal who happens to have mental health problems.

Glad you have a good relationship with your brothers.

The incident does sound grim and I am surprised your parents didn't kick him out if they witnessed it. Do you actually remember it happening, op?

I also wonder why you told your parents that you had an encounter with the man and spoke sharply to him. I doubt he would have told them.

It's a pity you live so near.

Best wishes to you and your brothers sound great.

It doesnt make any difference where they lived or that they are your brothers. The point is they were adults that walked into a room and saw a child been abused by a man and they didnt do anything. Any adult that sees something like that has a duty to report it.
If you saw your niece or nephew been abused would you think, not my child, doesnt live with me so not my problem?
Being gay or a nurse is nothing whatsoever to do with it.

Your brothers were also children. That means they were powerless to protect you:

No they weren't. OP says they were all adults that had left home!

How old are you now OP?

@Humberbear

It doesnt make any difference where they lived or that they are your brothers. The point is they were adults that walked into a room and saw a child been abused by a man and they didnt do anything. Any adult that sees something like that has a duty to report it. If you saw your niece or nephew been abused would you think, not my child, doesnt live with me so not my problem? Being gay or a nurse is nothing whatsoever to do with it.

They did do something though. I dont remember what they did because I repressed it, what do you want me to do? Magic the memory out of a hat

They reported it, He gaslighted them. As I have said MANY times, that's his character. He denies everything when he's well and on his meds and claims he's "Unwell again"

OP, I think there's been a couple of crossed wires on this thread.
I don't think that @WunWun was trying to be argumentative at all, she appears to be as much on your side here as everyone else.
I hope you find your way through all this, it's a mess all round.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion I am 28 almost 29, all this happened to me (From what I've been told) between the ages of nine and fifteen so there's a good six years of stuff there that I've been picking through over the weekend.

@SBTLove

When you said wasnt physical I was racking my brains,sexual abuse is physical fgs. Get this paedophile reported to the police, and cut off your disgusting parents; who are NOT any kind of Christians.

Not always physical, it can involve forcing or coercing children to watch/look at inappropriate material or sexual actions whilst in the same room.

Don’t get too dragged down into trying to defend your brothers on here OP. I like mumsnet, but there is sometimes an assumption that if someone sees something wrong they only need to phone the authorities and say the magic word “safeguarding” and Scotland Yard/a squad of social workers on horseback will be dispatched to whisk the child to safety and punish the wrongdoers. Maybe it should be like that but the reality is it often isn’t. (See also if a mother doesn’t want her child to see the father because he is emotionally/physically abusive she should just say “no” and explain to court there was DV and all will understand. It isn’t always like that). Of course people should never be put of reporting things, but sometimes good people can be left feeling powerless to change a situation. And

Did your parents witness any of the abuse? Do they believe it happened?

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

My parents never witnessed it. I never liked to listen to "grown up talks" as a kid. So I'd disappear in a different room, occupy myself with games or videos and wait till the adults were gone. He apparently thought it would be okay to "check on me" and then make his moves - My brothers used intimidation to get him to confess

My parents know it happened, but they refuse to acknowledge it. Honestly I'd rather have them shun me for being LGBT+ than this. It'd hurt a lot damn less

Going nc is for the best op. You owe them nothing. Consider the police.
There may be others.

What happened to you is disgusting.

You should report the historic abuse and the current day harassment to the police. It doesn’t matter if he’s already known to authorities or not, he needs to be formally warned to stop harassing you so any future contact leads to his arrest. If the past abuse is investigated (again perhaps) than your parents frankly should be bollocked by the police for being complicit. Frankly it sounds like they let it happen, like they knew what he was like and purposely left you alone with him so he could do what he wanted. I would have thought that is a criminal offence.

You need to cut all contact with your parents now. I can’t figure out any reason why would maintain a relationship when throughout your entire life, they chose this random nonce over you.

I'm sorry this has happened OP and that this thread has devolved. I'd recommend asking MNHQ to move it onto the Relationships board.

As per all PP, your parents are disgustingly deficient and this waste of skin abuser clearly needs removing from society. It speaks volumes about the parlous state of MH services in this country that he's been returned to the community or doesn't meet the threshold for sectioning - because sectioning is expensive.

Regarding him being known to the police and them basically saying they couldn't do anything as he is ill - was this info given directly to by your brothers by officers, or was it told to them/you by your parents or others within the church?

I can also imagine that as a young adult, if the police and my parents whom I trusted were both telling me that a situation was being dealt with adequately/ was not a big deal, I might have overridden my own instincts- since it’s easy at that age to think those people know better than you.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

No. I just remember him doing that A LOT as a child. When I was five I was at this little park thing with a friend and her Mum and he tried to lure a little boy away, I knew it was him because he had the same ugly grey car he has now. I could point it out in a full car park if it was parked. The boy's Mum promptly called the police and he pulled the "I didn't know what I was doing, Im Mentally ill" card when he was questioned. They let him off scot-free because he had a psychiatrist working closely with him -

He gaslights a lot, blames everyone else for what he does

Im so sorry you went through this OP, and I'm sorry about the small number of people on here making assumptions (exactly why people struggle to get help/support/report when they it)

I believe you, and I do believe you should make a police report of historic sexual abuse (which can also be non physical and verbal for those who aren't aware) there may be others that feel trapped by it to this very day, being the first to step forward and say NO, I will not be your victim will help you and possibly help others.

Be kind to yourself 💐

You must be so disappointed in your parents, OP.

It sounds very much like they would rather you suffer in silence and everything appear fine on the surface than for others to find out what happened.

That they can continue to speak to a man who sexually abused their child is just beyond belief.

My best advice would be to try to mentally stand back from it and think about what you would advise a friend to do if they came to you with the same problem. I'm pretty sure everyone would agree that speaking to the Police is the best way forward. Will your brothers support you in that, OP?

@PhatPhanny - The craziest thing is, I dont feel like Im reading about my life. I feel like Im reading notes about another person, and my brothers are Saints who were accused of being just as bad as my parents and abuser when they actively tried to help me

I'm sure once the reality of it sinks in, I'll be able to respond to this properly. I was shaking when I wrote my original post. Now all I feel is empty and numb and awkward. I feel like Im intruding on someone's diary reading my brother's notes

I absolutely believe you OP. You didn't deserve what happened to you and neither did any of the other children he abused.

I would air caution in reading your brothers notes though. They are written through the eyes of someone else who may have witnessed some things but may also have misremembered, or like you repressed, or just generally seen things differently.

I'm not in anyway saying you shouldn't believe your brothers but just that everyone no matter who they are and what they saw, remembers and views things differently.

I would think working through your own memories with a therapist (as you are doing) would be better than reading about other people's until you can recall your own memories iyswim. Their thoughts and memories may put things in your head that would've actually been remembered differently by you.

I want to make it clear I'm not minimising what happened to you or your brothers memories, I am just suggesting caution.

I'm sure you are bewildered and overwhelmed by everything. It must be hard to process what you are being told, and what you are remembering. I imagine your brothers were in a difficult position, if the police wouldn't listen and your parents were refusing to accept there was an issue.

I'm glad you are safe with them now.

Oh op it's traumatic but I'm so glad your getting the help you deserve. Your parents need cutting off and he needs warning away. Maybe legal action just an injunction so he can't approach you when your out on a walk or something ?

Hope your okay. Just think of happy thoughts the best you can !

My funniest memory was when my cousin was helping a family member dig a huge pond , I was sat spectating as I was a bored teenager at the time. They was about to have a break. He was the last out the hole... He turned around to talk to me and stood on a spade... he knocked himself out an broke his nose. I couldn't even get him any help because I was laughin so hard. (Was just us outside at the time) People only realised something was up because I was on the floor struggling for breath haha so harsh. I'm crying laughing writing this. Really wish we had cctv then! X