Fed up with being treated like I'm a child by in laws

[Opinionator]

So DP and I have a 3 month old DC together, and are moving into our first (bought) home together. We've been staying with in laws for the past 4 months. They kindly took us in and have honestly been very very good to us, and we're extremely grateful to them, and have told them as much several times. They are genuinely lovely people, I must say.

Just one thing that annoys me a little is their tendency to treat DP and I like we're children. I've lived independently since I was 18, and I'm used to doing as I please and not having to answer to anyone, so not sure if I'm overreacting here.

Basically, we've been told that our dog isn't allowed upstairs in our new house, and earlier MIL made a comment about how we're not allowed tea and coffee upstairs in the new house incase we spill it on the new carpet (which we paid for).
She polices us quite a lot and would even go out of her way to ensure I don't walk into the kitchen if my DP is on Zoom having an informal work meeting, despite my partner telling me (in front of MIL) that he has no issue with people coming into the kitchen to get a drink or anything, as all of his colleagues would have people walking around in their houses too. These are only 3 examples of quite a few times that these types of incidents have occurred lol

I have always kept my mouth shut, as I feel it's a bit disrespectful to "check" them on their behaviour in their home. However, were moving into our house today, and I would like to have a word once we move into our house (if they keep doing it, of course), and tell them that what we decide to do in our home is our decision, and ours alone, and that I would appreciate it if they would stop speaking to us this way.

In fairness, it isn't just us, his sister and her DH get treated this way too. I'm just a bit bewildered by it all lol

AIBU?

Sorry just want to mention that I'm anticipating people saying to just bite my tongue and do as I like anyway, and that would be what I would normally do, however PIL are like dogs with bones and do tend to go on and on and on until they get their way lol

Just move and do what you like. If she tries to police you, say “no Karen, this is OUR house that WE paid for. I can do what I like in my own home.” Nip it in the bud before it gets worse, my DP were like this for many years and it caused so many problems even went as far as telling me I couldn’t have friends over. 😂

Don’t say anything. But if they try telling you how to do things in your house when you’ve moved in. Say thank you for your opinion. This works for us and we will continue to do it.

Nod, smile and ignore. It will be easier when you are in your own home.

Have you had the problems yet, or are you anticipating them?

Maybe start acting like a grown up then and tell mil to back the f off...

They can’t really go on and on until they get their own way though, because they won’t be there. If they say you can’t take a drink upstairs you can just say ‘it’s my house, of course I can’ then do it anyway. If they go on and on you just do the same.

We have this. My in laws told my DP (mid 30’s, successful professional career, two kids) that he wasn’t allowed to buy a bike.

I think if it continues you do need to sit them down and tell them it’s not acceptable, or it will eat away at you.

They can’t really go on and on until they get their own way though, because they won’t be there

This.

I don’t really see the problem?!

Will they be upstairs in your house and might catch you with a cup of tea?!

Man up!

I've got inlaws like this. They think they get a major say in everything we do and they've massively over-stepped the mark at times. It really kicked off when we had children and they started policing every aspect of our children's lives, given me detailed advice on how to clean the poo from my newborn DD's bits (erm...I'm a woman and know how to wipe safely), ignoring things I requested them to do/not do with the children (MIL kept putting newborn baby into unsafe sleeping positions and ignored me when I asked her not to), given us lectures about only feeding the children healthy food but practically force feeding them biscuits and cakes every time they were alone with them). Honestly, its been a constant battle at times. I get on really well with my MIL and love her very much, but her and my FIL have driven me mad over the years. I'm now nc with my FIL due to his controlling ways (amongst other things) but I have a good relationship with my MiL. I had to stand my ground a lot over the last 8 years but we're both now in a place where we know where we stand and what's ok advice to give and what's over-stepping the mark.

I don't think its unreasonable for them to say your dog isn't allowed upstairs in their house.

Once you're in your own house they won't be able to say anything

They’re not going to check how you behave in your own home eg cups of tea upstairs so just ignore or laugh it off.

Oh ignore me I misread. I apologise!

Do we have the same in-laws?? I smiled and nodded when we were staying in their home, except when the advice pertained to how we parented. Once we were living in our own home I tried politely saying e.g. "Oh it's ok, I don't mind the dog coming upstairs" but my ILs are like yours and wouldn't let it go. In the end I said something along the lines of "I'm feeling a lot of pressure from you to make certain decisions that I'm not happy to make. My parents haven't treated me like a child since I left home, and I don't appreciate you treating me that way either. I want to have a good relationship with you, and that relies us both respecting one another as adults. When you give me unsolicited advice it feels patronising, and when you continue telling me to do things a certain way after I've explained that's not how I do things it feels really disrespectful." They grumbled a bit, and denied doing it, but I had a couple specific examples in mind to illustrate

Oops, posted mid-sentence but you get the gist! They've been better since I spoke frankly to them.

Move and do what you want.

A quick “haha you got away with that in your house Jane but my house my rules! Now, would you like a cup of tea?”

If they say you can’t take a drink upstairs you can just say ‘it’s my house, of course I can’

That, and with a humorous tone and a grin. It demonstrates confidence and makes it clear that it's a ridiculous thing for them to say.

What do you say when she tells you? We get this off a few people, especially now we're pregnant, so much advice. I either fully ignore, like look away and start talking about something different or just say "we're fine, we know what we're doing." And add "I'm actually a fully grown woman thanks" if that doesn't do it. I have interest in your advice unless I ask for it.

I have NO interest

When they visit, walk past them and pop upstairs holding a cup of tea and call the dog after you.

YANBU! Do you have my MIL? They sound like two peas in a pod. Just nod, smile and ignore is my advice.

Tell dh it's annoying you know and if he hears it you'd like him to address it.

Oh god I think I would have to say that once we are in our own home it’s our business how we live

How annoying. Is it an age thing- I hope I don't get like this.

Oh OP. I've had similar. Telling me I wasnt allowed to get a pet (in my late 40s).

It is infuriating though. Do what you want. Dont have children until the ground rules are.laid down.