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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fed up with being treated like I'm a child by in laws

92 replies

Opinionator · 13/11/2020 13:00

So DP and I have a 3 month old DC together, and are moving into our first (bought) home together. We've been staying with in laws for the past 4 months. They kindly took us in and have honestly been very very good to us, and we're extremely grateful to them, and have told them as much several times. They are genuinely lovely people, I must say.

Just one thing that annoys me a little is their tendency to treat DP and I like we're children. I've lived independently since I was 18, and I'm used to doing as I please and not having to answer to anyone, so not sure if I'm overreacting here.

Basically, we've been told that our dog isn't allowed upstairs in our new house, and earlier MIL made a comment about how we're not allowed tea and coffee upstairs in the new house incase we spill it on the new carpet (which we paid for).
She polices us quite a lot and would even go out of her way to ensure I don't walk into the kitchen if my DP is on Zoom having an informal work meeting, despite my partner telling me (in front of MIL) that he has no issue with people coming into the kitchen to get a drink or anything, as all of his colleagues would have people walking around in their houses too. These are only 3 examples of quite a few times that these types of incidents have occurred lol

I have always kept my mouth shut, as I feel it's a bit disrespectful to "check" them on their behaviour in their home. However, were moving into our house today, and I would like to have a word once we move into our house (if they keep doing it, of course), and tell them that what we decide to do in our home is our decision, and ours alone, and that I would appreciate it if they would stop speaking to us this way.

In fairness, it isn't just us, his sister and her DH get treated this way too. I'm just a bit bewildered by it all lol

AIBU?

OP posts:
WeeMadArthur · 13/11/2020 15:56

OP, whatever you do, don’t give them a spare set of keys or they will turn up to check that everything is done their way.

Gregariousfox · 13/11/2020 16:01

The mind absolutely boggles. I struggle to tell my son what to do when he's living back at home from uni and he's 19. I can't even conceive of telling him what to do when he's got a partner and living in his own home.

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 13/11/2020 16:10

@Chickychickydodah

Nip it in the bud and say, I respected your wishes at your house now I will do what I want in my house!
This, keep the peace whilst you are in their house, but once you are out don't ignore it or hide the fact that you are doing it because it gives them the green light to think they can do this in the future.

Dh did this, didn't agree with a lot of things his parents were saying but never said anything back meaning that when we got together they treated us like children at first and when Dh did start saying no they thought it all came from me. No, you just don't know your son very well. He was like a completely different person in their presence.

When MIL said something patronising once I said to her by the time you were my age you had 2 children and the realisation hit her as to how old I was and how she felt at the same age as a mother to 2 children. It helped her see it from my point of view. And I didn't even have children at that point.

PeggyPorschen · 13/11/2020 16:21

You are not in a position to say anything whilst you live in their house.
I've lived independently since I was 18 no you haven't, you have been living with your in-laws for the last 4 months!

As above, I would just nod and smile for now. Once you are in your own house, just stay breezy and say that you like the dog upstairs etc. Basically politely ignore.

user1471565182 · 13/11/2020 16:22

I've heard of this happening a lot. Has she been 'looked after' for a lot of her life? they seem to think they actually own the house partly through their son or something, doesnt seem to happen with their daughter's relationships.

Winterwoollies · 13/11/2020 16:30

@user1471565182

I've heard of this happening a lot. Has she been 'looked after' for a lot of her life? they seem to think they actually own the house partly through their son or something, doesnt seem to happen with their daughter's relationships.
This is interesting abs something I hadn’t thought of. I think my FIL probably thinks he has a stake in my house and my son because of his son. Hmm
Nestlyn · 13/11/2020 16:32

Seriously though, do not let them have a key to your home.

PiperPiper20 · 13/11/2020 16:34

My cat is king in this house. Fuck the carpet.

LadyOfTheImprovisedBath · 13/11/2020 17:06

@user1471565182

I've heard of this happening a lot. Has she been 'looked after' for a lot of her life? they seem to think they actually own the house partly through their son or something, doesnt seem to happen with their daughter's relationships.
IL have said the hosue isn't mine at times - despite me saving bulk of the deposit and being on the deeds and being married before house purchase.

I tend to ignore do what the fuck we've planned and bitch to DH later.

My cat is king in this house. Fuck the carpet.

So true - curtains mainly here though.

Weebitawks · 13/11/2020 17:23

I think once your living by yourself these issues won't seem like such a big deal. I say this as someone who lived with in law's while saving for a deposit. Just thank them for their help and if they say anything in the future you can just laugh and say "of course the dog is allowed upstairs"

Winterwoollies · 13/11/2020 18:09

@LadyOfTheImprovisedBath they say your house isn’t yours?!

Wearywithteens · 13/11/2020 18:21

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

user1471505494 · 13/11/2020 18:47

@Yeahnahmum

Maybe start acting like a grown up then and tell mil to back the f off...
How rude and helpful. OP is staying with her In-laws. When they move into their own home they can do want they want
MoreCookiesPlease · 13/11/2020 22:53

This sounds crazy! All of the above, a polite "We will make our own rules for our own house, thanks." And then move on.

Stillfunny · 13/11/2020 23:15

When I moved near my parents with two young kids , my father did this . He would tell me to tell my husband how he should do things. Obviously he ignored him . My Dad couldn't understand how DH could not see that he was only telling him the proper way to do things.DH was 32.

I understand now as I have to be careful not to do it with my now adults DCs.

I knew it came with good intentions, so tried not to be too harsh with them.

keeprocking · 13/11/2020 23:38

I recall my mother getting huffy and saying 'I'm entitled to my opinion' about something re child 1. My response was 'You're entitled to your opinion on anything, just as no-one is obliged to listen to it', there was no
point in being subtle with her! I once told her there were two opinions regarding our baby and her's wasn't one of them.
All these long, rambling conciliatory sentences seem a waste of time to me.

Getoutofbed25 · 13/11/2020 23:58

I would just laugh and say ‘ haha your so funny’ come on doggy we are popping upstairs to drink this cup of tea 🤣

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