Fed up with being treated like I'm a child by in laws

[Opinionator]

So DP and I have a 3 month old DC together, and are moving into our first (bought) home together. We've been staying with in laws for the past 4 months. They kindly took us in and have honestly been very very good to us, and we're extremely grateful to them, and have told them as much several times. They are genuinely lovely people, I must say.

Just one thing that annoys me a little is their tendency to treat DP and I like we're children. I've lived independently since I was 18, and I'm used to doing as I please and not having to answer to anyone, so not sure if I'm overreacting here.

Basically, we've been told that our dog isn't allowed upstairs in our new house, and earlier MIL made a comment about how we're not allowed tea and coffee upstairs in the new house incase we spill it on the new carpet (which we paid for).
She polices us quite a lot and would even go out of her way to ensure I don't walk into the kitchen if my DP is on Zoom having an informal work meeting, despite my partner telling me (in front of MIL) that he has no issue with people coming into the kitchen to get a drink or anything, as all of his colleagues would have people walking around in their houses too. These are only 3 examples of quite a few times that these types of incidents have occurred lol

I have always kept my mouth shut, as I feel it's a bit disrespectful to "check" them on their behaviour in their home. However, were moving into our house today, and I would like to have a word once we move into our house (if they keep doing it, of course), and tell them that what we decide to do in our home is our decision, and ours alone, and that I would appreciate it if they would stop speaking to us this way.

In fairness, it isn't just us, his sister and her DH get treated this way too. I'm just a bit bewildered by it all lol

AIBU?

Once I'm in the new house I'd be putting pics on social medial of me eating a full Indian take away in bed with the dog next to me.

Awww you guys, I'm so glad to know I'm not alone!! Lol thank you all so much.

I think lots of parents struggle to see their adult offspring as adults, not still their children. Living with them will have made it feel even more like he's still their baby boy.

You & your DP know them best. Talk to him to decide whether he should say something, or you, or just blatant disregard of their 'advice' would work best. If they start saying something, have a phrase like "as this is our home, we make our own decisions" to say in return.

@PiperPiper20

Once I'm in the new house I'd be putting pics on social medial of me eating a full Indian take away in bed with the dog next to me.

Don't temp me!

@MaryMashedThem

Do we have the same in-laws?? I smiled and nodded when we were staying in their home, except when the advice pertained to how we parented. Once we were living in our own home I tried politely saying e.g. "Oh it's ok, I don't mind the dog coming upstairs" but my ILs are like yours and wouldn't let it go. In the end I said something along the lines of "I'm feeling a lot of pressure from you to make certain decisions that I'm not happy to make. My parents haven't treated me like a child since I left home, and I don't appreciate you treating me that way either. I want to have a good relationship with you, and that relies us both respecting one another as adults. When you give me unsolicited advice it feels patronising, and when you continue telling me to do things a certain way after I've explained that's not how I do things it feels really disrespectful." They grumbled a bit, and denied doing it, but I had a couple specific examples in mind to illustrate

I think this is great advice. You’re making your point while staying polite and not causing an argument. Definitely go with something like this!

@Cheeseboardandmincepies

Just move and do what you like. If she tries to police you, say “no Karen, this is OUR house that WE paid for. I can do what I like in my own home.” Nip it in the bud before it gets worse, my DP were like this for many years and it caused so many problems even went as far as telling me I couldn’t have friends over. 😂

Oh my goodness!! You poor thing lol

We did have them when we lived in our rented home (it's worse now that we have DC though)

This is useful in these circumstances:

@Yeahnahmum

Maybe start acting like a grown up then and tell mil to back the f off...

Fair enough! Lol this did make me laugh 😂

trust 'karen' to get dropped in for an interferring mil.

Is it even faintly possible that MIL has been exasperated to tears by incidents in her own home, related to dog upstairs, tea/coffee/baby dribbles on her immaculate carpets, etc?

 Once you have a place of your own where you chose and paid for every precious thing in it, you'll perhaps  see your PILs  saintly  patience and hospitality in a  more generous light.

I'd recommend biting your tongue until you've got everything moved into your own house. If they start making comments about what you do in your own home, then you can respond. Start off politely, though.

I can sympathise. Mum did treat me as a kid until I was in my mid 20s, but snapped out of it and we had a much more grown up relationship after that. Still miss her so much.

@Blobson

I've got inlaws like this. They think they get a major say in everything we do and they've massively over-stepped the mark at times. It really kicked off when we had children and they started policing every aspect of our children's lives, given me detailed advice on how to clean the poo from my newborn DD's bits (erm...I'm a woman and know how to wipe safely), ignoring things I requested them to do/not do with the children (MIL kept putting newborn baby into unsafe sleeping positions and ignored me when I asked her not to), given us lectures about only feeding the children healthy food but practically force feeding them biscuits and cakes every time they were alone with them). Honestly, its been a constant battle at times. I get on really well with my MIL and love her very much, but her and my FIL have driven me mad over the years. I'm now nc with my FIL due to his controlling ways (amongst other things) but I have a good relationship with my MiL. I had to stand my ground a lot over the last 8 years but we're both now in a place where we know where we stand and what's ok advice to give and what's over-stepping the mark.

I'm sorry to hear that you have had problems with FIL 😔 thank you for sharing

@MaryMashedThem

Do we have the same in-laws?? I smiled and nodded when we were staying in their home, except when the advice pertained to how we parented. Once we were living in our own home I tried politely saying e.g. "Oh it's ok, I don't mind the dog coming upstairs" but my ILs are like yours and wouldn't let it go. In the end I said something along the lines of "I'm feeling a lot of pressure from you to make certain decisions that I'm not happy to make. My parents haven't treated me like a child since I left home, and I don't appreciate you treating me that way either. I want to have a good relationship with you, and that relies us both respecting one another as adults. When you give me unsolicited advice it feels patronising, and when you continue telling me to do things a certain way after I've explained that's not how I do things it feels really disrespectful." They grumbled a bit, and denied doing it, but I had a couple specific examples in mind to illustrate

Fantastic advice, thank you!

Ahh, you seem to be married to my nonexistent brother - my mum is exactly like this. I mentioned that we might get a cat and if you were judging based on her reaction alone, you might surmise that I was contemplating joining a satanic cult with human sacrifice every Friday night! She went ON and ON about how smelly cats are, how they will ruin our furniture, are a money pit, I'll be walking around covered in cat hair my entire life, it was RELENTLESS.

Anyway. Leave it for your DP to have that battle. I'm happy arguing with my mother but I would never rock the boat with DP's family. Vague, noncommittal comments all the way!

As others have said, they can't actually control you in your own home. You could wind them up of course and say things like "well we've made up a room for the dog now, I can't possibly move him" or "we actually installed a kettle upstairs so that we feel like we're in a hotel!"

My laws are the same. They treat DH and I like children. When we were expecting dd1 MIL was aghast when I said I needed to buy a car seat. Apparently the safest way to transport dd is in the back of the car in my arms . They also hated the house we planned to move to (and now live!) dd2’s name, the list is endless! We just ignore and then have a moan together later.

@Nottherealslimshady

What do you say when she tells you? We get this off a few people, especially now we're pregnant, so much advice. I either fully ignore, like look away and start talking about something different or just say "we're fine, we know what we're doing." And add "I'm actually a fully grown woman thanks" if that doesn't do it. I have interest in your advice unless I ask for it.

I don't like to "check" them in their home, so I normally just say nothing. When we lived in our own home they were like this, but it was bearable so it never bothered me. However, since DC was born it's got worse.

@Opinionator

We did have them when we lived in our rented home (it's worse now that we have DC though)

Actually, now that I've seen this, maybe don't be so polite. You need to be firm, though, and agree with this:

In the end I said something along the lines of "I'm feeling a lot of pressure from you to make certain decisions that I'm not happy to make. My parents haven't treated me like a child since I left home, and I don't appreciate you treating me that way either. I want to have a good relationship with you, and that relies us both respecting one another as adults. When you give me unsolicited advice it feels patronising, and when you continue telling me to do things a certain way after I've explained that's not how I do things it feels really disrespectful."

It's assertive and to the point. (Although a simple "fuck off" can be even more to the point.)

@Whatsnewpussyhat

When they visit, walk past them and pop upstairs holding a cup of tea and call the dog after you.

I would love to do this to see what happens! 😂

@Cheeseboardandmincepies

Just move and do what you like. If she tries to police you, say “no Karen, this is OUR house that WE paid for. I can do what I like in my own home.” Nip it in the bud before it gets worse, my DP were like this for many years and it caused so many problems even went as far as telling me I couldn’t have friends over. 😂

What on earth was the need for 'Karen'?

OP, she won't know what you're doing, so do what you like!

You do say that they are really nice people and have been very kind to you so it would be a shame to fall out. Someone upthread suggested smiling and saying 'My house, my rules' with a laugh and I'd try that first. Keep repeating it every time they interfere and hopefully they'll get the message. Keep it lighthearted but follow through by doing exactly what they've told you not to do.

I don't know about how you can solve this situation but I'm biting my tongue to stop myself from asking my 37-year-old dd if she thanked her aunt for a present.

It is quite a trick to change one's conduct with one's adult children

@Cheeseboardandmincepies

Just move and do what you like. If she tries to police you, say “no Karen, this is OUR house that WE paid for. I can do what I like in my own home.” Nip it in the bud before it gets worse, my DP were like this for many years and it caused so many problems even went as far as telling me I couldn’t have friends over. 😂

Just STOP with the 'Karen' thing, will you?

It is deeply insulting and offensive.

@Gifgif

How annoying. Is it an age thing- I hope I don't get like this.

Get lost with your ageist attitude. I'm early 60s we bought our son and DIL their house. I have never made any comment at all about THEIR house. It's nothing to do with age, it's attitude and it's an appalling attitude for any parent to have.

My advice would be to pick your battles. It probably has been stressful for all of you living together, so I’d just smile and nod, and agree that you’ll need to be very careful with your lovely new house and carpets.

And make sure they don’t get a spare key so they can’t wander in unannounced!