Fed up with being treated like I'm a child by in laws

[Opinionator]

So DP and I have a 3 month old DC together, and are moving into our first (bought) home together. We've been staying with in laws for the past 4 months. They kindly took us in and have honestly been very very good to us, and we're extremely grateful to them, and have told them as much several times. They are genuinely lovely people, I must say.

Just one thing that annoys me a little is their tendency to treat DP and I like we're children. I've lived independently since I was 18, and I'm used to doing as I please and not having to answer to anyone, so not sure if I'm overreacting here.

Basically, we've been told that our dog isn't allowed upstairs in our new house, and earlier MIL made a comment about how we're not allowed tea and coffee upstairs in the new house incase we spill it on the new carpet (which we paid for).
She polices us quite a lot and would even go out of her way to ensure I don't walk into the kitchen if my DP is on Zoom having an informal work meeting, despite my partner telling me (in front of MIL) that he has no issue with people coming into the kitchen to get a drink or anything, as all of his colleagues would have people walking around in their houses too. These are only 3 examples of quite a few times that these types of incidents have occurred lol

I have always kept my mouth shut, as I feel it's a bit disrespectful to "check" them on their behaviour in their home. However, were moving into our house today, and I would like to have a word once we move into our house (if they keep doing it, of course), and tell them that what we decide to do in our home is our decision, and ours alone, and that I would appreciate it if they would stop speaking to us this way.

In fairness, it isn't just us, his sister and her DH get treated this way too. I'm just a bit bewildered by it all lol

AIBU?

Just ignore the comments, do as you please, let your dog upstairs and take a cup of coffee up and smile. Just ignore her, you don’t need to fall out.

Smile, nod, ignore. Or be like me and tell them butt out, Your house, your rules, not theirs....

You definitely aren't going to be giving them a key are you?

Just move and do what you like. If she tries to police you, say “no Karen, this is OUR house that WE paid for. I can do what I like in my own home.”

Karen? Really?

Smile, nod, ignore or a laugh and a gentle push back.

Had it from IL and DP - and it was much worse when kids were young. I refused to be push out of the kids things and refused to let them undermine DH or I - so lots or err no what I said still goes or err no that's not happening - usually followed an alternative.

I think it's finding a way to mange the behavior.

Someone mentioned cats - our kids were all over 10 when we were thinig of getting some but it did awaken similar oh you can't and all the downsides - did it anyway and love them and it all died back down.

Definitely no key - find reasons not to do that - else there be a whole world of ongoing problems.

I agree. You smile, nod, ignore the instructions and tell them it works for you. And repeat!

I hate confrontation so I would just breezily brush any comments off like "aw no we love having the dog upstairs!" "Ooh no my favourite part of the day is a cup of tea in bed!"

If they do it in your new house just say 'my house, my rules' with a smile

Nip it in the bud and say, I respected your wishes at your house now I will do what I want in my house!

I have a mum like your in laws

Just laugh it off and tell her it's your house your rules. (Or if she continues, tell her she can have a say if she wants to pay your bills).

When you move, if she continues to say things, a good reply would be, "My house, my rules", said firmly with a smile and then move on to another topic.

OP, please make sure that your MIL does NOT get a key to your new home!

@Gifgif

How annoying. Is it an age thing- I hope I don't get like this.

No it bloody isn't! Enough of the casual ageism!

Before you move in, if she says it again, just say with a grin - fine Mil, when you come to stay with us, you’re not allowed to take your coffee upstairs - and see how she reacts, say that you’re making a set of her very own rules for your house and turn it into a silly thing. So say she’s not allowed Christmas crackers or Brussels sprouts up there either but she is allowed sliced turkey and Christmas cake, so long as there’s no S in the day of the week. Turn it into a game and ask others including mil to think of special rules for when she is at your house. Try to slip in a couple of things that she would do in her own home- like no socks to be worn upstairs - to make it odd and arbitrary.

Once you’re at your own home the first time she mentions it say that it’s funny she said that, the other day as you were taking your coffee upstairs, you could hear her voice telling you off but that you wanted your drink in bed so carried on as it was your house and great news - no bolt of lightning appeared to strike you down, no hell hole opened up on the stairs to swallow you up before you and the coffee made it to the top, no plague of locusts descended, no [insert any other fun catastrophes you can think of here!] happened, so you know what Mil - seems that in this house it’s safe for me to sit and enjoy my coffee in bed. Isn’t that great mil - I do feel sorry for you not being able to enjoy it in your own house! Keep it all light and it should help the message to get through without needing to be outwardly antagonistic.

Dog not upstairs isn't necessarily a bad one depending on the dog, but obvs it's up to you!

If they are mostly kind just let it go over your head. It won't be such a big thing in your own place. My husbands Nan was very similar but we knew it was coming from a good place. We just used to have a little laugh about it later. I have had awful relationships with in laws btw so this would not bother me at all.

Is it an age thing-

No, it's not. Hope that helps.

My in-laws are similar. Having a kid really ramps it up. They’re mental. My FIL asked me whether I was changing and feeding the baby enough and told me he didn’t agree with babies being swaddled and so undid the newborn baby’s swaddle by tugging on it hard WHILE HE WAS ASLEEP. If I left the room I’d always come back to find the swaddle loosened and therefore dangerous and the poor baby woken up. It fucked me off so much. He’s done so much stupid shit over the years and I really need to tackle it. We’ve come to blows once and I’d very happily go LC but my H is close with them. God bless lockdown...

To be fair she’s got a point on the dog, it keeps the hair and mess downstairs, and same with drinks, someone always spills one. However it’s beyond odd for one adult to tell another adult what they can and can’t do in their own home

I remember my FIL saying a tree needed removing in the garden of our first house because it blocked the light. When I said I liked the tree and it would be staying, I returned home from work and he had chopped it down regardless. I went apeshit.
There are loads of similar examples to you Opinionator and I never shared a house with them.
My eldest is just about to move into her first proper home and I heard myself telling her that she needs a proper path to her front door or she will bring mud in and one stool will be sufficient at the breakfast bar.
Oh dear. I put it down to caring but know I need to watch my boundaries.

My response would be "I appreciate your concern, but we've decided the company of our dog upstairs with us matters more than the carpet."

Also, as much as humanly possible, make your plans (e.g. holidays), buy your car, furniture, etc., and then tell them (or let them find out organically) - otherwise they probably will continue to offer unsolicited advice.

I was previously that sort of (mildly) interfering mum to my adult children - but I learned and so will your PILs - smile and nod, grit your teeth, says "Thanks I'll give that some thought" and just do your own thing.

Finally, try looking at the INTENTION - they aren't trying to be interfering and annoying - they truly want the best for you and you DP.

Echoing previous posters DO NOT under any circumstances give them a key and make that decision clear as well with your DP. If push comes to shove and they think they should have one for emergencies, say you'll "hide one somewhere outside in case of emergencies" - but only you and DP will know where it is. Oh, and get a Ring doorbell

@Gifgif I think you should worry more about being ageist now.

OP our dog sleeps on our bed ( on her own cover), and my dh brings me a cup of tea in the morning, we do have dog hairs on the cover and sometimes tea stains on the floor when dh has overfilled the cups slightly.
Suits us though and your home rules should suit you.

At first I thought you were talking about their rules when you are staying in their house and TANBU but then I realised they were saying you can't do this in your own house

Obviously just ignore them and do as you want in that case! They won't be there, and if they are then say "Nah, you're alright, we decided we would let the dog upstairs and have breakfast in bed."