Or is DH taking the piss now?

[lilactreetop]

I'm currently on furlough (as I have been from March) and DH works from home. I'm really starting to get sick of how our days are split. From morning till night time I look after DD (who as a toddler is currently really hard work). I do breakfast, lunch time, dinner, snacks, activities during the day, afternoon walk, bath time and the only thing he does during the day is come downstairs to eat with us, gets her dressed after her bath and puts her to bed (20-30 mins max). I think it's really unfair that the only time I get to myself is in the evening when I'm absolutely shattered. I can barely go to the loo while he's working because we currently only have an upstairs loo and he works in our bedroom so if I leave DD downstairs, she comes upstairs crying at the gate at the top of the stairs right next to the bedroom (which I would get a bollocking for) or I have to take her with me where she messes everything up in the bathroom and gets herself all wet in the sink. He goes upstairs 10-15 minutes before he actually starts work and on his lunch break he does the same, he comes down to eat(10mins roughly) and then goes upstairs straight away and sits on his phone for the remainder of his lunch break Weekends, he gets involved a bit more but I still don't get any time to myself at all like he does. At least 5 minutes would be nice to just turn off. I asked him this morning if he could get up a bit early and give DD her breakfast and he said 'no, that's your job'. WTF. AIBU to just want him to feed her breakfast while I enjoy my tea while it's still warm??

He’s being a dick. Feeding his kid is your job? Christ on a bike.

During the week is fair enough, hes working, you're not. At the weekend you deserve a full days break at least.
How old is your dd? Does she not attend any childcare?

He is BU, but you’ve been facilitating it for 6+ months. Why did you tolerate him opting out of family life on Day 1?

Get out for a 10 min walk around the block when he has his hour’s lunch break.

Hand DC over to him when he finishes work.

He’s working but (and this seems to be a theme on here) he’s not commuting. So he is gaining time that could be spent relieving his wife of sole childcare duties. And giving his kid breakfast rather than sleeping isn’t his wife’s job, it’s a childcare task that needs to be done by one of the parents before office hours.

He's taking the piss. Your job for the time being is to look after DD while he is actually working. Before, on his break, and after his work is a joint responsibility. How dare he say breakfast is your job. Patronising wanker.

“Your job”

Fuck that noise.

Choose a weekend day and tell him with no notice he’s parenting solo. Even if you have to do a supermarket shop and sit on your car somewhere with a drive thru and a book.

Prick.

Yanbu HE 100% is.

so many men show their true selves when they have dc.
you get a bollocking because she cries at the stair gate ? so you're not allowed to go to the loo without being grizzled / yelled at ?

I imagine that the way he sees it, is if he was in the office it would be the same.

However, he could spend the mandatory lunch break helping you.

I found it really hard when I first started working from home, many moons ago. Because exDP would want to talk to me and I was actually working. But if I took annual leave, he would do nothing. It is really difficult having 2 adults in the house with a child, it raises resentment really easily if you or he feels that the other isn't pulling their weight. Don't let it fester, talk about it.

I think that there is a happy middle ground and he needs to be willing to meet you a little more in the middle.

As a WFH, I was slightly sympathetic to him until the comment of "That's your job". Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

You need to fi d avalanche. Working is not time for himself and taking a walk with your toddler is much more enjoyable than sitting in front of a computer. Also your toddler must be napping at least a bit an hour. Make this time yours if you don't already.

At the same time, he should be doing a bit more in the mornings, lunch and evenings. Giving her breakfast one or two morning a week is not a massive task.

Time for yourself once you have children is a luxury not a due. You need to share it.

It never used to be this bad at the start. It's only after he started his new job that it's changed. I would understand if it was because he wants to perform well, etc. BUT sitting on his phone for 15-20 minutes during his lunch break is taking the piss and has nothing to do with doing well at his job. He said this morning that we're not having any more children since I'm moaning about looking after them...(when I mentioned the breakfast for DD).

She is 2. She doesn't go to nursery yet but she used to go to MIL for childcare which obviously can't happen during lockdown.

If I ever say that I'm going to lie down or if I'm genuinely feeling unwell, he says that's fine and takes care of me but the next day he does the same and says 'you got to lie down for an hour yesterday so I'm doing the same today'. I was gobsmacked at this. The other day I had a really bad headache and I asked him if he could take over doing bath time just for that evening and his response was 'ok but are you going to put her to be instead then?'

I'm not moaning about looking my after my daughter, I love her dearly and love spending time with her. I'm moaning about how he thinks he can get away with expecting me to do 98% of the parenting when he also is her parent...

With the commute thing - no. He's so lazy, he doesn't get up until 8 and starts work at 8.30... it's a joke

Hah. What a charmer.

In short yes he is taking the utter piss.

If he’s wfh then maybe fair enough that he needs to be out of sight during the 9-5 hours but anything around that is family time and it should all be shared out accordingly.

There’s a few hours in the evening between end of work and toddler bed time so why is he only appearing 30 mins before bed?

Is this how you want to live your life? With someone who couldn’t give a fuck that you’re shattered, run ragged and can barely take a piss in peace? He is saying loud and clear that your welfare and happiness (not to mention mental health) don’t matter to him.

The question is are you listening? Are you prepared to tell him it stops now? I don’t know how you could have any respect let alone love for someone who is such a selfish, uncaring, lazy arsehole.

He's working you're not? Your mother could still provide childcare in a childcare bubble? 🤷‍♀️
You have to treat WFH as if he IS out of the house all day and in which case you wouldn't have the support either

He's currently sat in the kitchen having his cup of tea while DD and I are watching TV in the living room great family time !!

Unfortunately MIL already has a childcare bubble with SIL's son

As said, make sure your DD has a nap and make this your 'me time', then you'll have more than him or at least as much.

I'm really confused at what people expect when they have kids. Me time goes out if the window. It's a luxury, one you'll get to enjoy more as our children get older. This constant fight between couples keeping tag on how much each get is really not healthy.

When he finishes work at 4.30, he comes down, we have dinner. He then normally fucks off to the bathroom for about 20 minutes at a time 2 or 3 times in the evening and then it's DD's bath time. She doesn't have naps anymore, but she goes to sleep about 7pm. Another thing is that DD is now in a nice routine when it comes to bed time but he always tries to push her bedtime forward to 6.30 or 6.45 just so he can do his own thing earlier. It boils my blood, we argue about this a lot. He doesn't 'believe' in routine. Btw, he's just fucked off upstairs after drinking his cup of tea on his own in the kitchen instead of feeding DD breakfast.

@dontdisturbmenow it's not as much about 'me time' or being on my own as much as it is about feeling disrespected by my own DH...

During the week is fair enough, hes working, you're not

OP he is being a dick. The question is what are you willing to do about it and how long are you willing to live with it?

Pulling a sickie every time you have been ill or demanding swapsies when you were unwell at bath time sounds pathetic and childish. How old is he?

Its rubbish to say that you should assume he is completely absent during the week if his job is such that he can clock off on time every day.

@lilactreetop

I'm currently on furlough (as I have been from March) and DH works from home. I'm really starting to get sick of how our days are split. From morning till night time I look after DD (who as a toddler is currently really hard work). I do breakfast, lunch time, dinner, snacks, activities during the day, afternoon walk, bath time and the only thing he does during the day is come downstairs to eat with us, gets her dressed after her bath and puts her to bed (20-30 mins max). I think it's really unfair that the only time I get to myself is in the evening when I'm absolutely shattered. I can barely go to the loo while he's working because we currently only have an upstairs loo and he works in our bedroom so if I leave DD downstairs, she comes upstairs crying at the gate at the top of the stairs right next to the bedroom (which I would get a bollocking for) or I have to take her with me where she messes everything up in the bathroom and gets herself all wet in the sink. He goes upstairs 10-15 minutes before he actually starts work and on his lunch break he does the same, he comes down to eat(10mins roughly) and then goes upstairs straight away and sits on his phone for the remainder of his lunch break Weekends, he gets involved a bit more but I still don't get any time to myself at all like he does. At least 5 minutes would be nice to just turn off. I asked him this morning if he could get up a bit early and give DD her breakfast and he said 'no, that's your job'. WTF. AIBU to just want him to feed her breakfast while I enjoy my tea while it's still warm??

He is working and you aren't so during working hours I think it is fair that you do the childcare. However around that time, childcare should be equally split.

He's working you're not? Your mother could still provide childcare in a childcare bubble? 🤷‍♀️

Heard it all now, haven’t we?

Yes he is taking the piss. He is busy in work hours. But why is it your job outside all these hours. Its fundamentally unfair when one partner gets loads of time to themselves eg to mess about on a phone, and the other gets almost none. Why do you not deserve any time off? The whole tit for tat thing about time off looking after your daughter when you are ill is really fucking petty as well. Fair enough if my husband went out with friends for the day or had a weekend away I think I'd be saying I wanted to book one as well, but when your partner is ill or having a bad time at work or something then you are supposed to step up and take on a bit more and it will eventually even out if they show you the same respect. I didn't feel great yesterday, my husband did childcare pick up for me and wasnt immediately asking what I'm going to do to 'pay him back'. Why does he think it's ok for his job to be 8.30 - 5 with an hours lunch but your job is 24/7 with a half hour break only

I think I'd be reminding him that if you split youd most likely get every other weekend and a day each week to yourself

My ex son in law said that all childcare was my daughter's job and never got up to give them breakfast. Note the ex. There were of course other issues, but that attitude by a father says a lot.