Or is DH taking the piss now?

[lilactreetop]

I'm currently on furlough (as I have been from March) and DH works from home. I'm really starting to get sick of how our days are split. From morning till night time I look after DD (who as a toddler is currently really hard work). I do breakfast, lunch time, dinner, snacks, activities during the day, afternoon walk, bath time and the only thing he does during the day is come downstairs to eat with us, gets her dressed after her bath and puts her to bed (20-30 mins max). I think it's really unfair that the only time I get to myself is in the evening when I'm absolutely shattered. I can barely go to the loo while he's working because we currently only have an upstairs loo and he works in our bedroom so if I leave DD downstairs, she comes upstairs crying at the gate at the top of the stairs right next to the bedroom (which I would get a bollocking for) or I have to take her with me where she messes everything up in the bathroom and gets herself all wet in the sink. He goes upstairs 10-15 minutes before he actually starts work and on his lunch break he does the same, he comes down to eat(10mins roughly) and then goes upstairs straight away and sits on his phone for the remainder of his lunch break Weekends, he gets involved a bit more but I still don't get any time to myself at all like he does. At least 5 minutes would be nice to just turn off. I asked him this morning if he could get up a bit early and give DD her breakfast and he said 'no, that's your job'. WTF. AIBU to just want him to feed her breakfast while I enjoy my tea while it's still warm??

He’s a wanker, OP. Should’ve enabled voting because it would be 100% YANBU. Even when I was on maternity and DP had WFH days he would sort lunch, use what would normally be his commute time to split childcare/household duties with me.

As for the tit-for-tat “you got a lie down [when ill] so I get one too”, it’s remarkably ungenerous and unkind. Life with children (and without, actually) should be split equitably but that doesn’t mean this kind of mean, penny-pinching, “you had an extra 4 minutes last Thursday so I get 4 tomorrow” nit-picking fuckery. It’s supposed to all come out in the wash, not be spreadsheeted like this.

What are finances like now you’re furloughed? Can the household budget afford a childminder or nursery? Note: out of both salaries, not just yours. It’s not your sole job or sole responsibility.

The times outside him working should be split; I kind of get him going up a bit before he starts work and his lunch time as I find when I work from home I need to get back into the working headspace before actually starting work as I normally do this on my commute. However the time in the morning and after he’s finished work there’s no reason that shouldn’t be split. When my DH was working from home we split the week so that we could both grab some extra sleep and as long as I was up in time to let him get ready and start work then that was fine.

He’s checked out of being a parent. You said he wasn’t like this before so what has changed?
I think it’s ultimatum time, does he want to work on being a better parent and husband or not?
I can’t see you would notice much difference if you became a single parent TBH, you might be happier too. Then he would have to actually be a parent on his days, assuming he would want contact with your DD.

You can bet your bottom dollar that if the situation was reversed and Op’s dh was on furlough and Op was WFH that he would have a problem with being told that feeding his daughter is his job.

I bet that the Op would still be doing the majority of the chores and looking after dc.
There’s a reason that married men live longer than single men.

I would wait until he finishes work at 4:30pm and then go on a walk by yourself for an hour or so

I don't think he should have to do childcare from 8 until say 6pm.He is working fair enough. You are not.

BUT all other time should be equally split. Friday evening tell him that you will be looking after DD on Saturday and he will be looking after her on Sunday. On Sunday get up and go out for the whole day, anywhere.Don't discuss.
Don't call, or respond to calls unless very urgent.
Repeat each weekend until he is ready for a proper discussion on whose responsibiliy DD is ie BOTH of yours equally. (outside work hours of course)

Ok, he's WFH, so of course, during day he won't be available. I get that (I work FT as a nurse). However, before his work starts (and after his work finishes), he could surely work with you to parent your DD. The very fact that you're at home is enabling him to do his job. He couldn't do his job without you there (unless he was to put DD in childcare). So, in my mind, your roles are both equally important!!

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all to expect more input from him. I'm a single parent, but when I'm not at work, of course I am looking after my kids (doing supper, laundry, housework, supervising their homework etc). Me working FT doesn't mean that I shouldn't parent my children. Same goes for him. When he clocks out, sure have a quick break but then he should get on and help you out, and make sure that you get some down time too. I remember the toddler years and they were bloody hard work!!

Does he do any housework or cooking? Does he take DD out to the park so that you can get some down time?

My bro and SIL work together to look after their kids, and have put together a really good set up. Both of them are WFH, but when they weren't, they'd still work together, take things in turns (one showers whilst the other get the kids dressed etc etc) and support each other.

Really hope you manage to talk things through with him and get straight what you need him to do x

Weekends - why not do one whole day each? Ie, you do NOTHING on Saturday, and Sunday is his day. Nothing could be fairer than that. Works well for us.

Have you asked him why he feels it is your job only or why he won't partake?

Also, a question to ask yourself, did he do anything before he started working at home? Was this his attitude before?

Last question I'll suggest to consider, is there an alternative reason for his lack of involvement? Money worries, depression etc?

I'm not trying to "stand up" for the behaviour that's obviously upsetting towards you. I'm just trying to offer some thoughts to help you work the situation out.

Perhaps a couples counselling session would be good? There seems to be a strain of resentment from your partner towards you. If it was me I would want to know why x

I actually find children enjoy it more, too, as the parent who is in charge that day is more focused, rather than two “it’s weekend can’t be arsed” parents.

@dontdisturbmenow

As said, make sure your DD has a nap and make this your 'me time', then you'll have more than him or at least as much.

I'm really confused at what people expect when they have kids. Me time goes out if the window. It's a luxury, one you'll get to enjoy more as our children get older. This constant fight between couples keeping tag on how much each get is really not healthy.

However where one parent is doing pretty much everything it's pretty damn fair enough to complain.

What people should rightly expect when they have children is that both parents will split responsibilities. I mean, what did DH expect when he had children? That he could work and rest and do little else?

@Thehop

“Your job”

Fuck that noise.

Choose a weekend day and tell him with no notice he’s parenting solo. Even if you have to do a supermarket shop and sit on your car somewhere with a drive thru and a book.

Prick.

But make sure you are up to date with your paperwork when he loses his job and you can't pay the bills, hey?

OP, if he was working in the office (or otherwise not WFH), would you still be moaning on here?

@Lampzade

You can bet your bottom dollar that if the situation was reversed and Op’s dh was on furlough and Op was WFH that he would have a problem with being told that feeding his daughter is his job.

I bet that the Op would still be doing the majority of the chores and looking after dc.
There’s a reason that married men live longer than single men.

I would wait until he finishes work at 4:30pm and then go on a walk by yourself for an hour or so

You are bitter about something. Your last sentence is the only accurate thing you've said, in my experience. Dads I know who have been furloughed have LOVED taking DCs out all day every day. The number of facebook friends who have posted photos of DHs cooking/engaging with DCs has been brilliant.

Sounds like he uses every trick he can to get out of doing stuff with/for his child.

Another misogynist who thinks kids are women’s work no doubt.

He gets up late every morning so everything’s done by the time he appears.
He stays on the phone at lunchtime so he can’t be asked to do anything. He spends hours in the toilet so again he has peace.
He wants an hour if the OP gets an hour to lie down alone.
However he does some things so he can justify his behaviour by saying that he does this or that, as though that ten minutes somehow makes everything ok.

All tactics to get out of doing stuff.

During the day he can’t be expected to do very much as he is being paid to work, however if asked, and not in an online meeting at the time, he should be able to parent his own child for the four minutes it takes for you to go to the toilet FFS.

Before work and after work dc are both parents responsibility. Remind him that he’s not pulling his weight out with working hours and you need a rota as you’re not doing everything, it’s not your fault there’s covid, and you’re not putting up with his laziness any more.

Remind him that if you split up he will have to take dc half the time so he’ll have even less time to himself so stop pissing about and do his share.

Then take a day each at the weekend and you leave dc with him and leave the house. For as long as possible. If he complains just tell him that hassle is what you have to put up with during the day so now you know how I feel. It’s hard work. You need to do your share mister. There’s two days at the weekend and you’re doing one.

I’d also refrain from sex, due to his comments about not wanting another child, as no form of contraception is 100% and you can’t risk another pregnancy with Mr lazybones. That should provoke a response. It’s the truth though.

Start arranging the ducks. Copy his bank statements, P60, pension info, wage slips etc. In case he decides life apart is preferable to parenting his child. Unlikely but you never know. Keep yourself right in case he kisses you about, as he apparently has little respect for you.

I feel you OP. I am a SAHM and my husband is currently working from home. Which means I now effectively have 4 kids...bloody men.

You have to treat WFH as if he IS out of the house all day

Except if the WFH person is female, of course. Then you have to do all the SAHM duties as well, because you're at home anyway.

Op

Who's he on the phone too for 20 minutes, and what's he doing going in to the bathroom for the same time several times a night?

If he's checked out and it's a new job, has he had his head turned?

I think during his working hours you should not expect him to do any child care. When he is not working though he should be pulling his weight. My DH would take over the second he walked in the door. He did bathtime every night and did the majority of night feeds.

I'm really confused at what people expect when they have kids. Me time goes out if the window. It's a luxury

It's only a luxury if you have a shit partner (obviously different for single parents), or no support network. I absolute love DS, but me time is really important to me too, me and DH don't compete or keep tabs, but both are more than happy for the other to (covid aside) see friends, have a lie in, take DS out so the other can relax at home for a bit etc. No need to martyr yourself and spend every moment with DC.

OP, I think during the working day is fair enough, he would be out of the house usually, and I need to switch off in my lunch break otherwise I'd be be flagging before the end of the working day. That said, he could/should have breakfast with you both, and then rather than try and push forward bedtime, help with evening routine. It sounds like your little one goes to bed fairly early so that would still leave a few hours for him to relax, the biggest issue seems to be his attitude towards you. Does he (wrongly) feel bitter that you've been furloughed (not your fault) and he is having to work? What is he like normally?

Yanbu

He’s absolutely ripping the piss, as we used to say at school.

“Your job” would have absolutely enraged me. Why is your job 24/7 and his just in office hours with lots of breaks? Getting up and feeding you child before work is absolutely something he could do.

And you not being able to go to the toilet in case he hears crying is ridiculous.

He needs to use the commuting time he’s got back, his breaks and any other time he’s not working to make sure you get a break too.

Of course working during working time is fine but that’s not the whole picture here.

it's not as much about 'me time' or being on my own as much as it is about feeling disrespected by my own DH...
You are counting the 20mns he is 'hiding', that's pretty disrespectful too.

You are both resenting spending all you time with your DD, yet you are both free from 7pm. You are both doing well!

The number of facebook friends who have posted photos of DHs cooking/engaging with DCs has been brilliant.

What amazing husbands and fathers, not working and engaging with their own children!! The women are so lucky. [sarcasm]

Your DH obviously has an attitude problem and the constant keeping track and trading time (eg when you're ill) is ridiculous.
But you're acting as though because he's at home, he should do more parenting. And he's acting as though he's still working - which he is. When I was wfh, I wouldn't have started looking after DS in the middle of the day because those little 5 mins breaks to look after DC are likely to slip and eat into work time.
What happens after 7pm when DD is in bed?

@CorianderBlues-
It’s strange that you assume that I am bitter because I mentioned that men ( generally ) don’t do as much as women
I have the most wonderful husband who does more than his share. I enjoy my life and tbh I am spoiled by my dh. This is why I get annoyed by men who don’t feel that they should partake in the rearing of their own kids