Or is DH taking the piss now?

[lilactreetop]

I'm currently on furlough (as I have been from March) and DH works from home. I'm really starting to get sick of how our days are split. From morning till night time I look after DD (who as a toddler is currently really hard work). I do breakfast, lunch time, dinner, snacks, activities during the day, afternoon walk, bath time and the only thing he does during the day is come downstairs to eat with us, gets her dressed after her bath and puts her to bed (20-30 mins max). I think it's really unfair that the only time I get to myself is in the evening when I'm absolutely shattered. I can barely go to the loo while he's working because we currently only have an upstairs loo and he works in our bedroom so if I leave DD downstairs, she comes upstairs crying at the gate at the top of the stairs right next to the bedroom (which I would get a bollocking for) or I have to take her with me where she messes everything up in the bathroom and gets herself all wet in the sink. He goes upstairs 10-15 minutes before he actually starts work and on his lunch break he does the same, he comes down to eat(10mins roughly) and then goes upstairs straight away and sits on his phone for the remainder of his lunch break Weekends, he gets involved a bit more but I still don't get any time to myself at all like he does. At least 5 minutes would be nice to just turn off. I asked him this morning if he could get up a bit early and give DD her breakfast and he said 'no, that's your job'. WTF. AIBU to just want him to feed her breakfast while I enjoy my tea while it's still warm??

I would separate from him

@lilactreetop I feel your pain my partner works outside of home but spare time is spent upstairs gaming and I do 99% of parenting. I do think when we see them at home even working it angers us that we have to deal with all the shit to put it politely it is very hard work cooking cleaning washing child minding etc. I do think he could at least take her while your on the toilet that's ridiculous and I dont think him bargaining so if I do bath then your doing bed that's not right you should bounce off each other. If I ask my partner he will just do it not compromise. I would suggest I'd you could afford it out her in childcare even one day a week or a half day so you get that break. It sounds like you are both tired and run down and could both do with a break from DD I know you both love her but even 2-3 hours is just nice to relax. You can pay some childminders by the hour so someone could take her maybe once a week for 3 hours I think it might help.

Lunchtime- he should eat and then take over while you go upstairs to chill.

I’m furious on your behalf. My dh has done similar things, but not on this level!!

This whole WFH thing needs a bit of thought, I think. Yes, it’s great that people can do it now, with technology being good enough. But going by the attitudes of some people on this thread, I can’t see who it’s meant to benefit. You use your own electricity, you have to give over a room in the home to it, and you’re probably saving your employer money (office supplies, coffee, tea, cost of cleaning the office etc.). But so many people don’t seem to think the family should benefit from the additional flexibility of having the second adult at home. It’s odd.

As for him telling you no more kids, I mean are you really thinking of having more with him? If so, just please don’t be one of those posters that comes back to complain in a couple of years that your DH does nothing with his kids and is a rubbish dad (he is), when you knew he was shit when you saw how he behaved with the first child.

Don’t have more with him.

Can you afford nursery?

Pick three week day times and make them yours.

Example Mon 7-8.20am. Get up and leave the house at 7am every Monday. Wed midday - 1pm, get up and walk out, Friday 4pm-6.30pm.

Then make a big song and dance about how amazing he is at his 3 times a week daddy and daughter times and how it's lovely etc to know they're one to one bonding.

These threads give me the rage. So many men want children, and then when it comes down to it they leave the woman to do absaloutley everything, because it's 'her job'. My ex was the same, does my head in.

I think you need some clearer boundaries. What time is his 'working hours' (and if he wants to start 10 minutes early and work over his lunch break, I think I would compromise on that)? Outside of those working hours, everything should be 50/50 - breakfast, tea, bath. And you should have a clear agreement for when family time is, and if he spends 30 minutes of the family time not with you and DD, then you also get to spend 30 minutes not with him and DD. Right now it is very imbalanced where he clearly thinks Monday to Friday it is all your job and he just gets to pick and choose when he feels like joining in. I think the family time is the big issue, as well as the lack of alone time you get. I would try and set clear expectations about when he is allowed to go off alone e.g. between 530-6 and then the rest of the time you should be spending the 3 of you. Try and have the conversation calmly and not about the resentment you feel as then he will probably just get defensive. Good luck!

During working hours you can't expect help. Take your toddler to the toilet with you and don't let her soak herself or wreck the place. Fgs your the adult, act like it. No you can't leave her to scream at the stair gate if your dh is on calls. There's no need. It takes 2 mins to go to the toilet.
Why don't you go sit with him while he's drinking his tea in the morning?
Honestly looking after 1 toddler who goes to bed at 7pm isn't that much work. Yes of course he should be doing equal parenting when he's not working, but younhavent actually said what his working hours are and if it wasn't like thisnin his last job, that suggests maybe the working hours have changed, maybe there is more stress in this job.
I couldn't get worked up about dp spending 15 20 mins on his phone during his lunch break when he's working all day and I have nothing to do.
Tell him to stop being so petty about having equal time to go for naps, but seriously you are 2 grown adults with one child. How many times do you need to go have a nap ffs!

It's a recurrent theme on here at the moment - man is WFH so woman does everything domestic.

WFH doesn't actually work for the vast majority of people, or for their families. Lockdown has certainly thrown a spotlight onto aspects of relationships that would have been better shrouded in the normal obscurity of being out of the house and busy. Everyone's world has shrunk to a handful of people and the same physical location.

No wonder these cracks are appearing.

The sooner everyone can go back to work and have full lives including other people, the better.

Example Mon 7-8.20am. Get up and leave the house at 7am every Monday. Wed midday - 1pm, get up and walk out, Friday 4pm-6.30pm.

Getting up and leaving the house at 7am sounds like more hassle than its worth, why would you bother?
The second only works if that the dh lunch break, and the third presumably he will still be working

Sorry - also meant to say, OP, that I don't understand why you don't take your DD with you when you go to the loo. One toddler is relatively easy to manage. I used to take all my DC with me because we, too, only had one loo and it was upstairs. Though it was sometimes easier to wee in their potty in the kitchen than it was to shepherd/carry them up with me.

...which I would get a bollocking for.

Jeepers! He isn't your boss, not that I think anyone's boss should be giving them a bollocking, btw. Wtf does he think he is!

@Thehop

“Your job”

Fuck that noise.

Choose a weekend day and tell him with no notice he’s parenting solo. Even if you have to do a supermarket shop and sit on your car somewhere with a drive thru and a book.

Prick.

This!

This sounds really hard and you sound understandably stressed from the constant demand of a toddler. It won't be like this forever. It sounds like you have a great routine to pass the time already. Do you have any friends with toddler that you could meet for a walk? Or could you find someone locally in a similar situation? Being with a toddler all day can be very lonely.

With regards to going to the toilet with a toddler - this to won't last forever. I used to put a basket of books in the loo for my DS at that age and read to him while I sat there. Not ideal but kept the peace.

It sounds like DH isn't taking on any responsibility. I second the suggestion of leaving the house on a weekend day so he can experience parenting a toddler. He's either a twat or lacks confidence. Either way some bonding time will do him good!

On Saturday get up early. Get dressed and say bye see you later and go out for the day. Let him look after his dd for a day.

@corianderblues but why would he lose his job by parenting at the weekend and outside of office hours? I can't speak for OP but if he were working from the office and refusing to help outside of work I would also complain

@Beefcurtains79

As for him telling you no more kids, I mean are you really thinking of having more with him? If so, just please don’t be one of those posters that comes back to complain in a couple of years that your DH does nothing with his kids and is a rubbish dad (he is), when you knew he was shit when you saw how he behaved with the first child.

Don’t have more with him.

exactly- it would be irresponsible

What was your set up before you were on furlough and DH was WFH?
I would sit down and write down what things looked like before and what they look like now.

DH shouldn't be the sole beneficiary of no commute. If timings begin at whatever time DD wakes up (say 7am but suspect that's wishful thinking) I would suggest the following:

7am - 8.20am, everyone needs to eat and shower/get dressed for the day. Equal split of time to get ready themselves and be responsible for DD getting ready for the day and being occupied

8.20am - 8.30am, DH upstairs preparing to start his working day

8.30am - lunchtime, DH working and pretend he isn't in the house, DD sole responsibility of lilac

Lunch hour - lunch is prepared, everyone eats and DD responsibility of both parents, maybe family walk or 15 minute break each

After lunch hour - 4.30pm, DH working and pretend he isn't in the house, DD sole responsibility of lilac

4.30pm - 4.45pm DH wind down from work mode upstairs

4.45pm - DD's bedtime, Dinner for all prepared and eaten, occupy DD, DD bath time and bedtime. All tasks joint responsibility of both parents. Both parents don't have to be 'on duty' at all times but time is equal

Post DD's bedtime - both spend evening together/apart as agreed once all household tasks are completed jointly

This is during work periods while you are on furlough. Weekends all tasks, responsibility for DD and alone time are split equally.

I suspect the current 2/3 trips to the toilet by DH are him hiding with his phone. Suggest no phones in the toilet or trip to the doctors to sort out what must be quite a serious medical condition.

WFH is a nightmare for lots of people. I wouldn't want to have to try and keep children quiet in their own home to enable one parent to work. It's a bit like trying to keep kids on their best behaviour while out. They do need a safe space to vent and to suddenly have that taken away is really difficult for everyone.

“no, that's your job” is what would absolutely cap it for me.

“OUR job is to raise OUR child and we BOTH pitch in to make sure that both have a bit of Me time and can do still like having a piss without interruption”

And I too would be reminding him that IF he does not step up in a major way that a split would result in him doing sole child care for at least EOW and a day in the week, half all school holidays as a starting point

I don’t think this relationship will make it @lilactreetop, not with his entitled attitude

All well and good that you’re home atm, but you’re still employed and contributing, he can make things more equitable while still getting his work done. It doesn’t have to be 50/50, but he has to give you a break.

Thing is if he WAS out of the house working it would actually be less pressure

The whole keeping a clingy toddler quiet thing Is a huge thing to have to achieve

If he wasn’t there, @lilactreetop would be able to go to the loo and if toddler cried, so be it, but this way the pressure is higher and what with the fact he’s taking every opportunity to steal back any time she has had due to illness or whatever is causing resentment which is the death knell in any relationship

He sounds like he's being a wanker.

What was it like pre-furlough, pre-pandemic? Was he also a wanker then?

Is his job legitimately high-stress? Could he be a bit jealous of your furlough? Regardless, the insistence on 'getting his fair share' of lie-downs and tit for tat parenting makes him a wanker.

When I was furloughed and looking after DS all day (he was Year 1 but his year didn’t re-open), we agreed that until 8am was my time. Evenings we share everything once DH has finished work. We also split bedtime.

As PP have said, you’re supposed to ALL benefit from your H not commuting.

What time does your DD get up?

And can’t he shut the door where he’s working? Loads of people are WFH, so children’s noise in the background is hardly unusual.

Op get your ducks in a row. Your entitled twat of a husband is showing you who he is. Believe him.