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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what’s the most toe curling OTT boast/showing off you’ve heard from a parent about their child?

714 replies

Rainbowb · 12/11/2020 23:28

Just seen a FB post from a mum friend boasting about her 9yo daughter doing online dance and gym sessions via zoom and practising for her 11 plus complete with picture of said child sat at her desk and smiling for the camera. Hope the child gets time to chill out now and then! Mum obviously needs us all to believe her daughter is a high achiever! It was so cringy though and I wondered if anyone else out there was biting their lip at stuff like this?!

OP posts:
GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 13/11/2020 21:23

Silly rabbit. I tell them all the time too, of course.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 13/11/2020 21:23

@Nursejackie1 you're being tremendously over sensitive. No one said we shouldn't talk about our kids. Like a PP said, there's no real need for anyone to k law that your son can do his times tables. Notable achievements - school acceptances, Uni acceptances, driving tests, awards wins - fine, we all love to hear it. The mundane, the unremarkable, the "meh we will all get to that particular place at some point" - is not anything randoms need to know.

I think, as parents, it's very very important to understand one crucial thing: not everybody is interested in your kid.

I've just remembered, at a baby group when DD was 2 months old, one mum was bragging that her DS could lift his head off the floor, and about my DD (who couldn't at that point) "oh don't worry she'll get there".

No shit Sherlock. Here was me worried that, at age 19, she'll still be flat face down on the floor, and I'll be saying "well she just never quite grasped head lifting".

Thecazelets · 13/11/2020 21:25

I have just scrutinised this entire thread dreading that one of these was about me! (Thankfully not, but I do the same with the 'What awful thing did your vendors leave behind in your new house?' threads.)

Love the miniature Begbie. My dc were definitely at the Begbie end of the scale. And fortunately I'm too old for sm boasting to have really been a thing when they were small.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 13/11/2020 21:25

@Feministicon

Why does anyone need the approbation of others for their kids achievements big or small anyway, they are their achievements after all. Is it technically an achievement to be born bright? Not so much and it definitely doesn’t reflect anything about a parent if they are.
I always tell my kids to never seek validation from others - be proud of your achievements for yourself, if others celebrate with you, great, but the most important opinion of yourself is your own.
Feministicon · 13/11/2020 21:25

☺️ Don’t get me wrong, I’d think something was up if you didn’t think your kids were amazing but boasting is definitely separate from letting them know, a little extra for yourself if you will.

Hardbackwriter · 13/11/2020 21:26

@GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal

Silly rabbit. I tell them all the time too, of course.
So then why do you need to tell other people?

I don't think children learn that their parents love and value them from hearing their parents boast about them. I think they learn that their parents see them as status items. In the worst case scenario they learn that their parents' approval is conditional on their outward achievements.

LolaSmiles · 13/11/2020 21:26

Does anyone else think the people who have come on to say "you're such meanies it's nice when parents talk about their kids' achievements", are probably the kind of people everyone else is talking about
Probably

It's like when people share tales of performance parenting and a good 90% of people know exactly what is meant. Then 10% chime in with 'so nobody is ever allowed to speak to their child now... fancy being horrible because a parent actually enjoys talking to their child... it's better than all those who sit ignoring their child by staring at their phones'.

Same here, people are in a light hearted thread about over the top gushy bragging with a hint of 'that never happened'. Most understand it, but a minority jump straight to 'so nobody should ever say anything nice about their children, we should pretend they don't exist right'
Grin

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 13/11/2020 21:27

Because they listen to what I say. And they here me telling everyone who'll stand still that I think they're incredible.

Feministicon · 13/11/2020 21:28

[quote GlummyMcGlummerson]@Nursejackie1 you're being tremendously over sensitive. No one said we shouldn't talk about our kids. Like a PP said, there's no real need for anyone to k law that your son can do his times tables. Notable achievements - school acceptances, Uni acceptances, driving tests, awards wins - fine, we all love to hear it. The mundane, the unremarkable, the "meh we will all get to that particular place at some point" - is not anything randoms need to know.

I think, as parents, it's very very important to understand one crucial thing: not everybody is interested in your kid.

I've just remembered, at a baby group when DD was 2 months old, one mum was bragging that her DS could lift his head off the floor, and about my DD (who couldn't at that point) "oh don't worry she'll get there".

No shit Sherlock. Here was me worried that, at age 19, she'll still be flat face down on the floor, and I'll be saying "well she just never quite grasped head lifting".[/quote]
😂😂😂😂 That actually made me laugh, what a mental image.

Feministicon · 13/11/2020 21:29

My eldest daughter didn’t walk until she was nearly 2, no issues just a very over cautious child but some of the pity and comments I got were unreal!

MumOfPsuedoAdult · 13/11/2020 21:30

@Stinkywizzleteets

What are parents allowed to say on their social media accounts about their kids? Just curious...
This is a good question. My son (now 19) is furious that I EVER posted anything about him on FB (I haven't for at least 3 years) as he considers it a breach of his privacy and something that he should have been consulted on as they were constantly told at school that 'anything you put online will follow you into adulthood' (he took that very literally).
GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 13/11/2020 21:30

Also, my grandma refused to praise her kids. She used to say "I don't praise my kids - that's fit other people to do." My mum ended up with massive self esteem issues from never knowing her parents were proud of her.

I never want my kids to doubt that. Plus, they really are incredible.

Doggybiccys · 13/11/2020 21:30

A friend saying on SM about her child watching their first opera when they are normally singing in one! Same person was desperate for child to get into a certain school but was worried they wouldn’t pass the test so tried to make out said school may not be right for them.....the posted happy faces all over SM when the kid got in. Smug as fuck.

Feministicon · 13/11/2020 21:33

Praising and boasting aren’t the same thing.

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 13/11/2020 21:33

I do both.

Feministicon · 13/11/2020 21:34

As is your want but one is for them and one is for you.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 13/11/2020 21:35

I don't think children learn that their parents love and value them from hearing their parents boast about them. I think they learn that their parents see them as status items. In the worst case scenario they learn that their parents' approval is conditional on their outward achievements

This is important. I work in a private school and the intense pressure some children are under to achieve certain things for their parents is heartbreaking to watch. And it's so, so damaging. Can you tell the parents though? Can you fuck.

I actually taught one girl last year who didn't get into Cambridge, but did get into Durham. She was perfectly happy about this. However I had to console her when she was in tears because her dad forced her to call her grandparents because "You can be the one to tell them the bad news, because this is on you". Poor girl. I had very stern words with her father over that, but she said there was a lot of waxing lyrical about his Cambridge bound DD among his peers. That's the quantifiable damage the these boastful, desperate-to-be-validated-by-others parents can do, and they don't even realise it.

Nursejackie1 · 13/11/2020 21:37

@hardbackwriter well I find it fucking weird that you assume that because we are talking about a specific subject that that is ALL I talk about when talking about my kids because nothing I have said amounts to this. Of course things come up in conversation.
Also it’s fucking weird that you can talk about your kids without ever expressing to anyone anything they have done that makes you proud of them?

Feministicon · 13/11/2020 21:38

[quote Nursejackie1]@hardbackwriter well I find it fucking weird that you assume that because we are talking about a specific subject that that is ALL I talk about when talking about my kids because nothing I have said amounts to this. Of course things come up in conversation.
Also it’s fucking weird that you can talk about your kids without ever expressing to anyone anything they have done that makes you proud of them?[/quote]
Wow, maybe dial it down a notch.

Feministicon · 13/11/2020 21:39

@GlummyMcGlummerson

I don't think children learn that their parents love and value them from hearing their parents boast about them. I think they learn that their parents see them as status items. In the worst case scenario they learn that their parents' approval is conditional on their outward achievements

This is important. I work in a private school and the intense pressure some children are under to achieve certain things for their parents is heartbreaking to watch. And it's so, so damaging. Can you tell the parents though? Can you fuck.

I actually taught one girl last year who didn't get into Cambridge, but did get into Durham. She was perfectly happy about this. However I had to console her when she was in tears because her dad forced her to call her grandparents because "You can be the one to tell them the bad news, because this is on you". Poor girl. I had very stern words with her father over that, but she said there was a lot of waxing lyrical about his Cambridge bound DD among his peers. That's the quantifiable damage the these boastful, desperate-to-be-validated-by-others parents can do, and they don't even realise it.

Well illustrated
Lollypig · 13/11/2020 21:39

A mum puts a picture up on fb of her son on his bike. Isn’t he cute and amazing. I’m thinking to myself, No he isn’t! Your son is a horror and a little bully! He’s in my daughters class at school!

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 13/11/2020 21:42

@Feministicon

As is your want but one is for them and one is for you.

I don't understand want you mean. Do you mean "wont" rather than want? That makes more sense grammatically.

Anyway. Makes no difference. I have the best kids. I will tell them this, and anyone who else who stands still for long enough. Because it's true.

Newmumatlast · 13/11/2020 21:43

@Sequoiadendrongiganteum

It's a balance though isn't it. I was brought up to believe it isn't nice to boast. My parents never said anything nice about me to anyone, and never praised me. When I graduated top of my year at uni I really really hoped they'd say they were proud of me. I wanted that so much. I got 'we knew you'd get that'.

Not surprisingly I have cripplingly low self esteem and can't take a compliment. I always make a dumb comment doing myself down in response.

My DH on the other hand really believes in himself. He had the opposite upbringing. His parents were very proud of him and probably annoyed a lot of people by saying so.

I am teaching my dcs to be proud of their achievements, and to say 'thank you' if someone compliments them. I want them to be confident, to believe in themselves, and to have the self awareness to know when it is appropriate to talk about their successes, and when it might not be.

I agree with this. My parents were proud but never ever spoke about it to people as they didnt want to come across boastful. Sister and I are high achievers but have poor self esteem and struggle to take compliments. Also really really seek praise. For both of us that led to unhealthy relationships.

So personally I think it's a balance. I have no issue with parents praising their kids even if behind closed doors I think they're a wrong that it's so impressive. When they do it and in doing so actively seek to put another child down though, or put undue pressure on their own child, or are very intrusive/impact on others (like the pp's YouTube video classmate) then the praise is unhealthy.

Feministicon · 13/11/2020 21:44

@GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal And there I was politely overlooking you typing here instead of hear...

GlummyMcGlummerson · 13/11/2020 21:45

Ey-up, here come the grammar police to divert from the fact they can't make a coherent argument.

I have the best kids. I will tell them this, and anyone who else who stands still for long enough. Because it's true.

No one wants to hear it though.

And also, praise is good but blind adoration does children no good. If you want well rounded kids, telling them no matter what "they're the best" isn't gonna cut it I'm afraid.