bereavement AIBU

[slothtrot]

I rarely talk about being bereaved but when my Mom died earlier this year it was obviously hard, the other day a friend asked how I was getting on which is mostly fine but I said that a day hadn't gone by without me thinking about her death. She thought that as nearly a year has gone by (it's 9 months) then I shouldn't be thinking about her every day.
I didn't think it was that odd tbh but she thinks I'm making too big a deal of it but I think it's normal.
AIBU to still think about it each day? It's not stopping me getting on with my work life but when I'm at home I do think of it often.

YANBU 9 months is incredibly early for such a massive loss

12 years since a lost DF and I think of him most days.

wow, the first year is always hard, so many "this is the first christmas, easter, day at school, etc without them"

You grieve as much as you want to

FFS. I'd not find it strange if you were still thinking about her daily in 2 yrs. Your friend clearly has no idea.

My Dad died in April 2019, I still think of him daily. It's normal, OP - and an individual thing, not for anyone else to judge. You grieve your way.

Its not odd at all. In fact ots normal I would say

I've found that people who haven't been there don't understand. I certainly didn't before. Society has an expectation that it's something you get over and quite quickly.

In reality it's something that stays with you forever. I'm a few years down the line and I'd say I'm still.in the early stages of processing my grief. I didn't think it would have the ability to cut.me to the core after a few years.

It's not meant in a hurtful way. You just don't get it until you've been through it yourself.

There is no time limit and everyone deals with things and processes things differently. You could break down in 5 years and it'd be perfectly understandable. Just deal with it how you need to and ignore any outside opinions. Xxx

Ofc yanbu. My dad died 2 and a half years ago. I think about him not every day but most. A lot of the time it's more happy memories now but sometimes it hurts just as much as it did.

@slothtrot, same boat here, my wonderful DM died in March just before lockdown. Its still raw and its early early days still. Totally normal

Your friend obviously hasn't lost a parent. It has been 10 yrs and i still think of my Mum everyday.

Completely normal. I lost my dad almost 30 years ago and still think of him every day.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable and I suspect your friend will come to realise this for herself one day

I think it’s perfectly normal, my mum died 5 years ago and I think about her all the time, and also go over in my head what happened

Sorry for your loss @slothtrot, take all the time you need xx

My darling dad died 10 years ago and I still think of him every single day. And I still have really difficult days where I cry that he is not here. The joy of loving someone so much is also the hardest when the sadly pass away.

I'm really sorry about your Mum xxxx

I would suggest your friend has never lost anyone so close to them before.

Are her parents still alive? Just say a quiet ‘you clearly don’t understand and won’t until it happens to you’ and then don’t talk about it with her

Add to the chorus of pp saying you are NOT bu. I lost my mum 9 years ago and my dad 6, and I still think of them both every day . I doubt I will get to a stage when I don't think of them, and as long as it's not impacting on your daily life I don't see any issue.

I’m so sorry about your mum.

It’s been almost three years since my daughter died. I think about and usually have a cry every day. I’m sure I always will and I’m sure I will do the same over my own parents.

That is no time at all and completely normal. I lost my son in 1997 and still think of and miss him every day although don't tend to talk about it much as I'm quite private.

Take whatever time you need OP, and look after yourself.

It's been 2 years since we lost Mum. I don't think of her every day, but most days. Yes, it's now mostly happy memories, but there are still times I think of something that can set my tears flowing. I miss her so much.

My dad still gets up every morning, looks across to her chair and talks to her. Every morning. He's not lost his marbles, it's a comfort thing for him, he misses her dreadfully.

We all grieve differently, but I think for those who have yet to feel a close loss, they don't realise it's not something you can just get over quickly.

My sister died 18 months ago. I think of her every day. I'm sorry for your loss.

I'm really sorry about your mum. Mine died 40 years ago, I don't even remember her - and I think of her every day. The people you love who die, become a part of your being somehow. It doesn't stop you living your life, they are just sort of absorbed into things. I mean that in quite a matter of fact way although it sounds a bit woo.

I listened to Monty Don on the way home today, talking on Griefcast. He talked about his father who died when he was a young man and he was really overcome. You should listen to it OP. It was a really moving piece.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Everyone grieves in their own way and it's still so recent for you that it's absolutely normal for you to still be thinking of your DM every day.

I don't think there's any such thing as getting over the death of a parent. You learn to live with it and over time the grief becomes less raw but it's always with you. I lost my DF 31 years ago and I still think of him, about what he's missed, how life would have been different with him.

I lost my DStepF five years ago and there are still days when something will catch me unawares and it's like a punch in the stomach. My grief for him is very different to the grief I have for my father.

D MIL passed 2.5 years ago Not a day goes by where I don't think about her and miss her.

Mostly we are ok though but her presence in our lives is missed and noticed.

On a slightly separate point, it pisses me off when other people tells you how to give.

It has been 22 years since my son died and 13 years since my daughter died and I think of them every day.

People get uncomfortable around grief and try to 'fix' it. It can't be fixed. There is no right or wrong.

So sorry that you have to miss your Mum

Whatever you feel is normal. It is no one else business whether you think about a loss every day forever or stop thinking about it after a month. It is your loss. They don't sound like a good person to talk to about this.

She'd have a fit with me. I thought about ringing my Nana last month. She has been dead 15 years. I still don't believe it.

Ima, sorry for your loss.

It took me 7 years to stop thinking of my DF daily (for the first two it was quite intense). On year 13 now and think of him regularly but not every day and almost always with a smile. It gets better, honest. Sorry for you loss