bereavement AIBU

[slothtrot]

I rarely talk about being bereaved but when my Mom died earlier this year it was obviously hard, the other day a friend asked how I was getting on which is mostly fine but I said that a day hadn't gone by without me thinking about her death. She thought that as nearly a year has gone by (it's 9 months) then I shouldn't be thinking about her every day.
I didn't think it was that odd tbh but she thinks I'm making too big a deal of it but I think it's normal.
AIBU to still think about it each day? It's not stopping me getting on with my work life but when I'm at home I do think of it often.

My dad died in 2006 and my mum in 2017. I think about one or other of them several times a week, although not always in a sad way. I might think of some of their words of wisdom as I'm doing something, or as I put my make up on I recall my mother putting hers on etc. When my father died a friend said to me 'You never get over the death of a parent, you just learn to live with it' and I concur with that. Your friend has possibly not experienced such a loss.

I think about my mum several times a day. I lost her in May. I can’t imagine not thinking about her. I’m sorry for your loss. 😞

It's been 15 years, and I still think of my dad whenever any of my children hit a milestone, do something noteworthy, remind me of him for whatever reason ... because he never got to meet any of them. It's still crushing as he would have loved them so.

Oh @slothtrot, hell no! And I'm so very, very sorry for your loss.

My mum died 18 months ago. For the first year it was present in my thoughts every damned day.

Its normal , its the same here

Your friend was quite rude to say that. Sorry for your loss

It's perfectly normal that you still miss and think about someone who was there for your whole life.

If, on the other hand, your grief is stopping you from functioning, then maybe it's time to seek some help.

People are often uncomfortable talking about losses, or they expect your healing process to be the same as theirs. Your relationship was unique, your grief process is likely to be the same.

Sometimes, you just need to give yourself permission to be sad/focus on what you miss etc - it can help to allow yourself a specific time each day in which to do so.

I hope that you can soon work your way towards focusing on happier times, perhaps choosing to commemorate her birthday rather than when you lost her. Be kind to yourself, loss is hard. Big hugs.

Sorry for your loss . My mum died in 2017 and it was 2019 before I sought some form of bereavement counselling. 9 months feels like ages after a death but also so short. It comes in waves, you have a few good days and you think it's fine then the next day you're bawling your eyes out cos you heard a song or something.

There is no timescale for this. It's just part of you now and you do what is right for you.

I lost my Mum just over a year ago today and still think of her constantly. Like you, it has not stopped me from getting on with my life and my sadness has faded but there are still moments when the grief is very present.

I hope this makes you feel better, my brother called me today and said that he had stopped to help someone on the side of the road. The gentleman he helped was so grateful and said to my brother "I bet your Mum is proud of you" and my brother burst into tears. He phoned me laughing because he said it came from nowhere.

Your grief is your grief and nine months is no time at all. Don't allow others to get in your head with this.

Dad also died 9 months ago and I think of him every day, usually several times. I think that’s quite normal.

Is her Mum alive OP?

My mother died almost 50 years ago and I doubt a single day has passed since when I haven't thought about her. Not in a sad grieving way but more as a kind of lifetime companion and commentator.

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

It has been 22 years since my son died and 13 years since my daughter died and I think of them every day.

People get uncomfortable around grief and try to 'fix' it. It can't be fixed. There is no right or wrong.

So sorry that you have to miss your Mum

💐💐💐

Sorry for your loss I'm currently in a state of brain fog due to grieving for my Mil and feel that most people think I should start to move on but I'm simply not ready and feel that because of the state of the world right now it will take me so much longer to a point of not feeling sad each day.

Everyone grieves differently.
My mum admitted recently that she still thinks of my gran every day and she’s been gone for 32 years now.
Don’t let anyone tell you how you “should be feeling”.

My lovelly Mum died in 1988, for 20 years I couldnt think about her without crying, I was an only child, she died young owing to GP cockup, in the Hospital where I worked. Its only now I can laugh about things she said and did, without getting upset.My now late Father rang me just 6 weeks after she died, (they were married over 40 years) said he had something to tell me, I thought OMD, he is dying to, nope, to tell me he had a girlfriend, and everyone thought I should be OK with THAT.I still think about her, I dream about her, usually that she is dying, but still here.

Nearly twelve years since I lost my mum and I still think of her many times a day. It will be her 72nd birthday in a couple of weeks and I find that hard.

9 months is nothing and the first year is so hard as it is the year of "firsts" without them.

There is no timeline for grief and no right or wrong way to feel. For the record, I feel 9 months is an incredibly short time abs it’s only natural for you to think about your mum so often. My mum has been gone a lot longer than 9 months and I still think of her daily. Your friend was insensitive.

So sorry for your loss

My dad died 20 years ago and I think of him every day without fail. It was the biggest loss I've suffered and I don't think I will ever get over his death.

No one gets to say that someone else shouldn't be grieving. It's a long and winding path, and no short cuts.

I'm so sorry for your loss. No one gets to tell you how you should feel. Sending hugs

TRIGGER ALERT. I never comment on anything on Mumsnet however I have just read your very sad post. I lost my wonderful Mum to cancer over 15 years ago and then a few years later her sister my Aunt who was really supportive towards me. I then lost my Dad three years ago. There isn't a day goes by when I don't think about them. I still get upset about them after all of these years! I think the people who make these comments about how you should move on etc often haven't experienced loss. So sorry for your loss

My mum died 7 years ago. I do not think about her every day BUT certainly several times a week. I still get odd moments of intense loss even now, I was at work the other day and for some random reason I felt my eyes well up (I can’t even remember what caused it) but it was my mum I was upset about).
Time does heal, it does, I don’t have that awful, raw, gut wrenching grief that I had for the first maybe 18 months or so, but I do still ache for her. It’s like a horrible wound, it scabs over and heals but you always have the scar and sometimes the scar still gives you pain.

Not unreasonable to be thinking of your mum at all. It's no time wishing you all the very best, especially coming up to your first Xmas without her (and in a pandemic as well)

My parents died within 9 months of each other 30 years ago. I still think about them most days, it only takes a song to take me back to my childhood and the years that I shared with them.

Your friend is being very insensitive, especially as most people are feeling low and unsettled anyway this year. It does get easier but I still dream about them and wish that I’d had them in my life for a bit longer. 💐

Your friend doesn't understand how you feel. It was a rather tactless thing for her to say but maybe she hasn't experienced the same as you. There is no 'should' or 'shouldn't' when it comes to bereavement. Nine months is nothing.

Very sorry for your loss. Your friend was inconsiderate - we all grieve differently. Putting a 'deadline' on someone's grief is neither helpful nor polite.