bereavement AIBU

[slothtrot]

I rarely talk about being bereaved but when my Mom died earlier this year it was obviously hard, the other day a friend asked how I was getting on which is mostly fine but I said that a day hadn't gone by without me thinking about her death. She thought that as nearly a year has gone by (it's 9 months) then I shouldn't be thinking about her every day.
I didn't think it was that odd tbh but she thinks I'm making too big a deal of it but I think it's normal.
AIBU to still think about it each day? It's not stopping me getting on with my work life but when I'm at home I do think of it often.

It's very personal.
My DH died 24 years ago, & I still think about him every day - despite being happily remarried.

DM died 11 years ago, DF 6 years ago & I rarely think about them now.

You'll do what you need to do. It's very individual.

But are you thinking about her 'death' or thinking about her?

Why ask that? After such a short time, it would be entirely understandable to be thinking about a loved one's death. I still think about my father's death 30 years on. Mostly it's memories about him, but some of the time it's about his last few months. Nothing wrong with that.

thank you all.
I won't reply individually but i will ignore said friend.
i get the suggestion about celebrating her birthday. by a cruel coincidence mom died on her birthday.

my Dad died 2 years ago this month. i was with him when he died. i haven’t even begun to process this yet. i’ve cried a couple of times and i miss him desperately but we had a complicated relationship and there’s a lot to unpack.

it takes as long as it takes. sorry for your loss.

@ThistleWitch

wow, the first year is always hard, so many "this is the first christmas, easter, day at school, etc without them"

You grieve as much as you want to

100% THIS.

And, to add, my DM passed away nearly 15 years ago - DD 12 [years].
I still think of them frequently (a few times a week) and miss them massively though time helps to 'come to terms/accept your loss'. I can now remember the funny/crazy times with them and smile. You will remember your Mom in this way too.
Sending you a BIG virtual hug and handhold xxx

So OP, just know that grieve as much as you want to as @ThistleWitch said and

YANBU. Everyone reacts differently to loss, there's no right or wrong way. Four years now and I still think of my mum very regularly. Has your friend lost a parent?

I think about my mum and it's been ten years since she died. 9 months is nothing at all. Be kind to yourself.

i get the suggestion about celebrating her birthday. by a cruel coincidence mom died on her birthday.

On my children's birthdays I buy angel cake, have a slice, light a candle and raise a glass. Angel cake seems fitting somehow.

Maybe she's very estranged from her Mum. And therefore thinks that because she thinks this way about her Mum, everyone does. She's not self-aware at all. Or aware of others feelings.

Although my Mum is alive I know I will be utterly utterly broken when she goes for the first year, forever probably. We are very close.

So don't feel weird at all. You take whatever time you need. There is no 'normal' with regards to grief. It's completely up to each individual. Your friend sounds like she needs a lesson in empathy and to become a bit more enlightened!

I lost my mum when I was 20 (8years ago). I think about her everyday and hope I continue to think about her everyday for the rest of my life. You don't get over it you just learn to live with it ive found. I function and lead a happy life with my own achievements and my own family but she's always there with me. Grief is a very personal thing and you are very entitled to feel however you'd like. Im so sorry for your loss xxx

It took me over 10 years to be even able to talk about my father's death

Your friend is odd. You're not. So sorry for your loss, you think about her whenever you want, she's your mum. Your friends sounds quite thoughtless. X

Some people just don't get it. I remember telling a friend that my dad had died and their first words were 'did you cry?'.

My first thought was DICKHEAD.

Interestingly my parents appear in my dreams now, more than maybe before. But in a 'normal' way, like in a normal (dream-weird) narrative. Why was dad trying to drive a tractor? 😂

My beloved Dad died13 years ago; mum, still very much loved but a bit more 'difficult', 6 years ago.

With dad, it was possibly 3 or 4 years before I'd suddenly realised I hadn't thought of dad for a day or two.

As others have said, you can't possibly know til you've been there.

I am ashamed that I didn't do more for a friend when her mum died, way before my parents. I just didn't realise what it felt like.

@Janaih

Your friend was quite rude to say that. Sorry for your loss

Maybe not rude, just not understanding, have not been there herself.

I haven't been there myself, but basic decency would prevents me from telling someone they should be over the death of a loved one, however long after the event.

I'll accept thoughtless at best.

I’m sorry for your loss.

I wonder if your friend has not experienced a close loss? Or perhaps she just got awkward and came out with some garbled nonsense?

Did you say you think about your mum or you think about her death - I say this because I had a loss last year (parent) and up until about 10 months after I couldn’t stop picturing and thinking about their actual death and the lead up to it and all the horrible and sad and heartbreaking bits like seeing them at the end and the funeral and guilt around certain things....

I actually spoke to a grief counsellor and it has helped some what.

I still think of them every day but I’m starting to think of the good memories and just missing them in general and letting go of the distressing memories.

My grandmother died 2011. I was extremely close to her. I do think of her at least every day. The pain of her loss is much less, but she’s daily in my thoughts

I'm very sorry for your loss.
It's 9 months since my mum died too and, although I don't dwell on her death, I think about her every day at some point. I have found the grief is actually getting worse. When the lockdown was announced, I decided to buy Christmas cards in readiness, and nearly broke down in the card shop realising that I can't physically give her a card again. I think my grief has been mixed up with all the tragic news of the pandemic and I'm far more sensitive to the numbers of deaths and in tears at things on TV far more easily than I would have been before. Fortunately, this is in the privacy of my own home so only my DH is aware of it.

9 months is a very short amount of time to come to terms with the death of a parent. My DF died 10 years ago and hardly a day goes by without me thinking of him too, not necessarily with sadness, it may be something humorous about him or something practical he did.

Don't let your friend dictate how you should grieve. If, as time goes by, family who live with you consider you may be becoming clinically depressed, rather than just dealing with the natural processing bereavement, then maybe think about seeking help.

There are no rules about this, only your rules, and nine months is no time compared to the relationship you had with your mum. Mine died earlier this year and it’s still sinking in; I’m ok in that I’m getting on with life, not in a weeping heap and so on, but I think of her every day and there’s always something that’s the ‘first’ time it’s happened without her. I had a work achievement a while back and realised I’d never get to tell her. Look after yourself. Whatever you need to do to care for yourself, keep doing it.

Your friend hasn't the faintest idea. One day she will suffer a major loss and may remember her lack of sensitivity towards you.

DH died 17 years ago, when our DC were still small, and I still think of him most days. These days I nearly always smile. We had a wonderful relationship and I feel so lucky to have had him. But it hurt so badly for years, and even now occasionally I get a bit tearful.

I always play Mariah Carey "All I Want for Christmas" to myself well before Christmas because it reduces me to helpless sobbing the first time I hear it and I don't want to be caught unawares by it in a shop. It's the only song that has that effect, thank goodness.