bereavement AIBU

[slothtrot]

I rarely talk about being bereaved but when my Mom died earlier this year it was obviously hard, the other day a friend asked how I was getting on which is mostly fine but I said that a day hadn't gone by without me thinking about her death. She thought that as nearly a year has gone by (it's 9 months) then I shouldn't be thinking about her every day.
I didn't think it was that odd tbh but she thinks I'm making too big a deal of it but I think it's normal.
AIBU to still think about it each day? It's not stopping me getting on with my work life but when I'm at home I do think of it often.

My mother died 25 years ago and I think about her every day. I don’t think you can put a time scale on these things. Grief is very personal, but it’s completely understandable that it’s still very raw for you. I think your friend is being very unkind.

Your friend is obviously lucky enough not to have gone through a devastating loss. My aunt died 18 months ago and I think about her every day.

YADNBU

I’m so sorry for your loss Everyone reacts to grief differently but it sounds very normal to still be thinking of her all the time.

Your friend doesn’t sound very nice tbh. Even if she privately thinks that, it’s not the kind of thing most people would even think about actually saying to their bereaved friend!

Has she ever lost anyone she was close to? I think it’s very hard to grasp if you haven’t, but that’s no excuse for being an insensitive twat about it!

I don't think you need to have lost a parent to think that the friend is thoughtless.

@slothtrot

I rarely talk about being bereaved but when my Mom died earlier this year it was obviously hard, the other day a friend asked how I was getting on which is mostly fine but I said that a day hadn't gone by without me thinking about her death. She thought that as nearly a year has gone by (it's 9 months) then I shouldn't be thinking about her every day. I didn't think it was that odd tbh but she thinks I'm making too big a deal of it but I think it's normal. AIBU to still think about it each day? It's not stopping me getting on with my work life but when I'm at home I do think of it often.

You'll do what you need to do. It's very individual.

But are you thinking about her 'death' or thinking about her?

I had idiots with two living parents coming out with mindless shit like this after mine died. I am sorry you've been on the receiving end of it.

There is a very weird and dysfunctional belief in our culture (it's not universal, it is specific to our culture) that after someone dies you are supposed to live as if they never existed, extract them from your mind, feel no connection or emotions, never think or speak or talk about them.

But that's not normal for humans. And I don't think it's healthy.

You still have a connection with someone after they die. They've shaped or influenced how you live and how you experience the world. You still have memories that stir emotions. You can still feel the closeness you had, albeit tempered by their physical absence and pain of their loss. You notice their absence. You have things you wish you could share or ask. You still remember their advice and the things they taught you. The times they let you down and the times you let them down. The love you shared.

It has been over a decade now since my mum died. I don't notice specifically how often I think about her now, but that's more because a) it doesn't cause such overwhelming bone-crushing pain to think of her now so it doesn't stand out in the way it used to, and b) she flits in and out of my thoughts so often as I go about my life - in the same way that my loved ones who are still alive will pass through my thoughts - that it is unremarkable. She's just still there along for the ride with me. It is certainly not the case that she has disappeared from my thoughts or that I no longer care.

For me it is still a wound and sometimes it feels unbearable, although mostly it is bearable albeit sore. I still cry and miss her very deeply sometimes though. Why wouldn't I?! That's normal.

I sometimes describe the loss as something I am able to carry now, but I also mean that I carry my mum with me through life, in a way that is healthy and manageable for me.

In my view, 9 months is still very soon and very raw, especially after the loss of someone so significant. Things are always different after losing your mum, it doesn't one day reset. People tend not to get that unless they've experienced it. I also think it frightens some people to be confronted with the impact of a loss that they will one day experience and don't want to think about.

That's a lot of waffle. I suppose all I am trying to say is that you're perfectly normal and you're not alone. It is completely ok if you still think about your mom on a regular basis for the rest of your life.

I am so sorry for your loss, @slothtrot. My father died 31 years ago and it's rare that a day passes whenI don't think of him, in some small way, with some reminder; the same for my mother, who died more recently. They are part of you and your psyche, I think, they made you who you are, for better or worse, it seems to me.
What experience of the death of someone she loved dearly and was very close to does your friend have, I wonder? It sounds as if the answer to that is "none"!

It will be the 40th anniversary of my sisters death next year. I still think about her often. It’s totally unreasonable for someone to tell you how long you are supposed to grieve for. I will always mourn the loss of my sister. I function. It hasn’t prevented me living my life but I’m sad she didn’t get the opportunity to grow up, have a family and live her life. I don’t think thinking about her even after all this time is unreasonable so after just 9 months I would say you just carry on and take no notice of your “friend”. No one has the right to pass judgment like that

My grandad died 8 years ago and I think of him every day

Of course YANBU. Like many pp, My parents both died over 20 years ago and I think about them often, and talk about them to my children (who never knew them).
Your friend has obviously never lost anyone close.
I'm sorry for your loss.

@user1294729492759 - completely agree.

She obviously hasn't lost anyone close to her. DH died 7 years ago and I still think of him every day at some point - not in a sad way or even for long periods but definitely every day!

My DF is dead 18 years - I still think of him a lot and miss him - not sad any more mostly, just a smile - but I find it reassuring. My Grandmother died 35 years ago and I still think of her a lot.

Whatever you feel is normal. It is no one else business whether you think about a loss every day forever or stop thinking about it after a month. It is your loss.

Absolutely this.

Nearly 19 years here and I still think about my Mum most days

There is no Grief Handbook to follow, your friend is being silly.

That said, this was your mother, and it’s been less than a year. That’s absolutely hugely devastating to your world; I’m not surprised you still think of her daily.

I’m sorry for your loss.

I lost my mum 4 years ago and still thing of her nearly every day. My baby was only 6 months old when she died so I notice all the milestones she’s missing.

My ExH started an affair 9 months after she died and left on the anniversary of her death. At mediation we had an opportunity to share what hurt us and I said how hard it was to deal with that while I was still actively grieving and he (and the mediator) didn’t feel a year on was ‘active grief’. Some people just don’t get it.

I hope you have kinder people around you than this friend to offer support and understanding if and when you need it.

I feel very strongly that there’s no ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’ about grieving - it’s a process and will be different for every person with every bereavement they have.

My mother also died this year and DH and I had a smile earlier about something that reminded us of her, as we do fairly often.

Gosh how horrible - I think of my day everyday and it’s been 13 nearly 14 years - I mean often it’s in passing like I see something or sometimes I can very deeply think about him. More so because I just don’t ever want to forget him he’s my dad.

Tell your mate to do one.

DH's dad, my FIL, died in March. He comes up in conversation most days from one of us. I would imagine DH thinks about him most days, probably every day. Both my nana died this Spring/Summer too - a less close relationship than a parent, and more expected due to age, but they are both still on my mind a fair bit too - the odd photograph, little memories, etc. I know both my parents think of their respective mums a lot too, especially this year when nothing's happened normally either.

9 months isn't very long. Of course it is normal to still be thinking of her daily. Even if you were thinking of her daily in 9 years time it would be normal.

I’d say this is completely normal and your friend obviously hasn’t had such a huge bereavement to be able to say this.

My grandfather who was like a dad to me died almost 10 years ago and I think about him nearly every day. I came across a picture of him on Facebook memories the other night and burst into tears and sobbed for a good 10 minutes. I had forgot how much I missed him even though he passed through my mind all the time. My grandmother has been dead for almost 20 years and I still can’t listen to the song that was played at her funeral.

Our dog passed away a few years ago (had her for 14 years) and occasionally I still have a wee bubble if I think of her.

I’m not even an emotional person but grief is a very individual thing. You can grieve for your loved one as long and as openly as you like, in my opinion.

On a slightly separate point, it pisses me off when other people tells you how to give.

Sorry spelling fail
On a slightly separate point, it pisses me off when other people tells you how to grieve.

I don't mind people who gives

6 years since dad died and I still think about him most days, thinking about his death in particular has stopped being so frequent, but I still do occasionally.

You never stop thinking about a loved one, you just learn to deal with it better.

@slothtrot
9 months in the strangest year we’ve even had ? please don’t take what your friend says seriously. Remember your Mum however and as often as you want 💚