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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

UC, housing benefit and a partner wanting to move in

130 replies

notfromstepford · 12/11/2020 12:32

Hello wise mumsnetters
I have a question that I'm sure someone will be able to answer. I have been trawling the internet but a lot of the advice seems to be from a few years ago.

I'll try to keep this brief.

My DSD has just been offered her first house through the council and is ecstatic. She has 1 child that is 1.5 years and is expecting her 2nd child anyday. She's not working (was a driver before COVID) so is entitled to UC, housing benefit and all the other bits and pieces she can claim.
The father of her children is somewhat unreliable, so she's done all of her applications etc as a lone parent - which she essentially is.

Now she's got a fantastic house for her and her children - he's convinced that it's absolutely fine for him to move in and make a go of it. He works. I've told her that if he moves in - it won't be for free. They will deduct housing benefit and UC from her as they will be living as a couple and he has to pay his way (rightly so) - it's not a "free" house for him to live in.

My understanding is that her benefits will be reduced but it's up to him if he is going to give her the money to cover the shortfall? Is that correct? Also as he earns between £300 - £400 a week - her benefit will be cut by around £100 a week.

Does this sound about right? Like I say I've been trawling the internet and pieced together bits and pieces from different sites, but not found anything concrete.

OP posts:
Rescueremmum · 12/11/2020 17:41

Without sounding nasty

The way your daughter needs to word this to him is he willing to pay the rent and all of the bills, because when I got my first place I was working full time I came out with £944 a month which is less than what your daughters partner gets in a month and I was on full rent at £400 a month all my other bills on top and then also food.

It's my understanding she will be entitled to the child element of UC which for 1 child is 277 a month I am not sure for 2 children.

By explaining this to him and saying if he moves in he will then be responsible for the bills she may not need any more reason for him to move in because if he is that self centered then he will opt out as quick as he opted in

I hope that makes sense

Shuddawuddacudda · 12/11/2020 17:45

It would be utter lunacy for her to get back with him. Date maybe. See how he performs as a Dad - whether he sees the children, whether he pays for their upkeep (maintenance paid should be declared to UC I think). Then maybe, if they're madly in love, he's a good Dad, a good partner, THEN consider taking him in and him providing for all her living costs and housing costs. There's no way a cocklodger like him would stump up enough for them all to live happily. It's a recipe for pure disaster/potential fraud/poverty and insecurity for her and the children and just a very very bad idea.

RiotAndAlarum · 12/11/2020 18:01

To everyone asking why she had another child with him: she's desperate for "reasons" to say he can't move in and sponge off her and the DC. Is it so hard to understand that he'd put the same coercive effort into getting sex? He sounds an absolute shit, but is probably very nasty if thwarted, so any extra "authority" may be needed!

Janaih · 12/11/2020 18:10

20 years ago I went to the council to apply for a council property, the advisor ripped my form in half and gave me a new one which she told me to fill in as a single person and move my boyfriend in later.

If she does move him in, do not add him to the tenancy agreement!

Whatamesssss · 12/11/2020 18:13

@Shuddawuddacudda

It would be utter lunacy for her to get back with him. Date maybe. See how he performs as a Dad - whether he sees the children, whether he pays for their upkeep (maintenance paid should be declared to UC I think). Then maybe, if they're madly in love, he's a good Dad, a good partner, THEN consider taking him in and him providing for all her living costs and housing costs. There's no way a cocklodger like him would stump up enough for them all to live happily. It's a recipe for pure disaster/potential fraud/poverty and insecurity for her and the children and just a very very bad idea.
Child maintenance from non resident parent does not count in any benefit award. I am not sure about declaring it, as it won't affect the amount of UC you receive.
Lollypig · 12/11/2020 19:03

Ignore the horrible messages. Mumsnet is the site where most people claim to be on huge salaries, have no idea about the struggles of real life, getting through the week with Pennies in your purse.
I would say to your step daughter don’t let her boyfriend move in. Get on with her life, move into her new house. It would be a huge mistake him moving in, she will regret it. Good luck to her xx

TheDowagerDuchess · 12/11/2020 20:26

I’m really concerned for her that she feels she needs reasons or “something concrete to go back with”. “No” should be enough of a concrete answer.

BananaPop2020 · 12/11/2020 20:40

@TheDowagerDuchess I agree, all this nonsense about giving reasons why he can’t move in - he just needs to be told NO. You can just see how this pans out otherwise....

TheFormerPorpentinaScamander · 12/11/2020 20:46

@Viviennemary

I thought UC was leaving people in poverty. But somebody earning £38k a year was entitled to it. Confused
And yet my ex and I weren't when we were on less than that combined Confused (And I'm not complaining about that. We didn't need it. We didn't have luxuries but we had enough to live on. )
Original poster
notfromstepford · 13/11/2020 05:41

@Rescueremmum

Without sounding nasty

The way your daughter needs to word this to him is he willing to pay the rent and all of the bills, because when I got my first place I was working full time I came out with £944 a month which is less than what your daughters partner gets in a month and I was on full rent at £400 a month all my other bills on top and then also food.

It's my understanding she will be entitled to the child element of UC which for 1 child is 277 a month I am not sure for 2 children.

By explaining this to him and saying if he moves in he will then be responsible for the bills she may not need any more reason for him to move in because if he is that self centered then he will opt out as quick as he opted in

I hope that makes sense

Thanks - and yes it does make sense. I'm thinking he will run for the hills too when faced with that.
OP posts:
Original poster
notfromstepford · 13/11/2020 05:50

@Lollypig

Ignore the horrible messages. Mumsnet is the site where most people claim to be on huge salaries, have no idea about the struggles of real life, getting through the week with Pennies in your purse. I would say to your step daughter don’t let her boyfriend move in. Get on with her life, move into her new house. It would be a huge mistake him moving in, she will regret it. Good luck to her xx
Thanks - I'm hoping once she's in there the enormity of how incredibly lucky she is to have it and how she would (not even could) lose it if she let him back in to her life will be sufficient for her to keep saying no.

I've shared some of the advice with her from here and it's been really helpful as she feels not so much on her own if that makes sense. And that her guilt about not being together for the kids is a nonsense and is far outweighed by the reasons she has to keep saying no to provide the best environment for her and her children.

OP posts:
kavalkada · 13/11/2020 05:57

Please don't do that. He will probably lie and say things she wants to hear before he moves in with her and after that do nothing and pay nothing.

Shuddawuddacudda gave you the best advice. She should (if she wants) date him, see how he treats his children, pays maintenance and then after a year or two maybe think about living with him.

Please, please, don't let her ruin this. She has a wonderful chance for a lovely life with her children without that bastard.

That being said, I would never date him again. He seems like a nasty piece of shit and I'd want him out of my life for good.

CodenameVillanelle · 13/11/2020 06:03

There is no way she should let him move in or try to resume a relationship with him. No way. She will regret it massively if she does.

TreesoftheField · 13/11/2020 06:28

She has not played the system. You can be in a romantic relationship and claim benefits.
She is a single parent in the eyes of the benefit system. You are only viewed as a couple if you become a household. This includes sharing finances, meals, joint bills and accounts. The difference between housemates and partners.
This man isn't contributing anything financially. I would be surprised if he is doing his share of childcare and housework. She needs to keep him out of the house or yes she will end up in debt and possibly lose the property.
I do feel for the person waiting for housing after fleeing domestic violence but this young woman hasn't stolen a house from you. Likely she lives in an area with less demand on council properties. In my city single mums are encouraged into private renting as they face 3 years wait for council property. In other areas you can get housed quickly. If she's done her time in a hostel, she'll get higher priority to free that space up for someone else.

Delamalama · 13/11/2020 06:30

I despair of people like your daughter, I really do. so many about having child after child with crap unreliable men then expecting (an already overstretched) welfare system which should be helping those genuinely in need, to bail them out.

Bigpaintinglittlepainting · 13/11/2020 07:12

Actually this is what my ex did, he left and I was forced into benefits as I had just had his baby. Once it was all set up and I was settled and getting on with life, he wanted to get back together. I explained to him that he would have to contribute and I would not be claiming benefits whilst he was here and he decided not to.

He’s still a useless git, 12 years on

NettleTea · 13/11/2020 09:04

Your step daughter should post for support on the relationships board. The ladies there will help her to find her courage, work through the freedom programme and keep the bastard out

and shame for those who have no understanding of domestic abuse and how women can find themselves in these situations

Rainbowqueeen · 13/11/2020 09:41

Children of alcoholics who grow up with their alcoholic parents are much more likely to become alcoholics. Is that what she wants for her kids?

I’d get her to read several of the relationship threads on here to show her what could go wrong. Does she have healthy relationship models in her life?
How is he getting in touch with her? I wouldn’t answer the phone if he rang. Encourage her to communicate by text only. Have a burner phone just for him that she can keep turned off and only turn on when she has some support so he can’t catch her in a weak moment.

Help her set some goals for what she wants out of life. She needs to find things to focus on other than him and limit her contact with him even to the extent of getting someone else to hand over the DC for contact while she gains strength and self esteem and learns to set and maintain boundaries Good luck to her

Herja · 13/11/2020 10:09

So this is a young woman, who left her alcoholic ex to a shelter (suggesting abuse/violence).

Who has been offered a council house to go to from the shelter.

Who is looking for iron-clad reasons he can't move in - which suggests she is concerned about being pressured, coerced and manipulated by him.

Who was working prior to covid and is very heavily pregnant (by the man she ran to a shelter from).

And who has been painted as scum, playing the system, committing benefit fraud. Middle class MN at its finest.

RandomMess · 13/11/2020 10:15

Yep Herja utterly predictable and so disappointing all in one!

Sad

I really this woman manages to stand strong, I'm sure he'll pile on the guilt about the DC etc.

katand2kits · 13/11/2020 10:15

If he moves in she will become financially dependent on him. Sounds like that is not a good plan.

NettleTea · 13/11/2020 10:36

@Herja exactly. Shameful lack of compassion

Original poster
notfromstepford · 13/11/2020 10:39

Thanks for even more great advice. I have been ignoring the messages that aren't relevant to her situation.

Yes I'm going to point her to the relationships board - that's a really good idea - even if she just reads some of the posts on there, I think she'll really benefit from that. I give her all the support I possibly can - but it's so good to hear others saying the same thing - reinforces that it's not just my opinion iyswim.

Thank you again for all the really constructive advice.

OP posts:
Wherehavetheteletubbiesgone · 13/11/2020 10:43

This reply has been deleted

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Herja · 13/11/2020 10:59

@wherehavetheteletubbiesgone

A heavily preganant woman, currently living in a women's shelter with a young child, seeking advice on 'proper' reasons to keep her alcoholic ex out of her (potential) house is 'brnefits Britain at its worst'? Are you fucking serious?

You also think that women should be forced to prove their rape? (I do not suggest this is the cause of this woman's pregnancy, just picking up on this particularly fucked up view). Mate, you might have worked hard and had the success you'd hope from that, but you appear to have the emotional empathy of a mongoose.