Son says TA is picking on him

[paul2louise]

My son is in year 5. He had a TA in year 3 and last year in year 4 and she is with his class again in year 5. He has said that she picks on him. He was upset last year with her and I complained at parents evening. His teacher last year was nice but a bit soft and it all got brushed away and then we went into lockdown. I have been asking him how year 5 is since start of term and he seemed happy. This morning I said we needed to leave for school . I asked him did he want a coat and he said yes because if I don't have a coat Mrs? will shout at me. Its actually a nice day so didn't see that he really did need a coat. So I spoke to him a bit more about it and he started crying. He said she tells him off because his tray is at the bottom and he has to sit on the floor to reach it. She tells him he needs to move. She tells him off for talking but not the ones talking to him. Other bits and bobs. He is not a sensitive child. He loves his teacher and year 5 so he isn't unhappy at school just with this TA. He brushes most stuff off. However I find her very rude. I have worked at school for 5 years as lunchtime assistant and she talked to me with no respect on a few occasions.
So having spent 6 weeks doing an anti bullying course I felt really cross that this is happening. I don't think the school really deals with stuff. The head likes things to go away.
So without getting hot headed and following my course advice how should I deal with this. The biggest thing I have learned from my course is that parents either go mad and confront the situation all guns blazing or put it off. Neither is the right thing.

You need to deal with this in a practical, unemotional manner with the school.

Ask for a meeting with his teacher, explain some of the situations which are upsetting your son and ask for her observations and advice on how to sort them out.

For example, ask if your son's tray can be swapped to the top, ask if your son is chattier than his other peers and if he's disrupting the lesson, ask if your son is able to only wear a coat when he wants to without being 'spoken to'.

Try not to make it about the TA and what kind of person she it, make it about the situations which are causing your son upset.

Good luck!

What's his new class teacher like? This would be hard for many class teachers to deal with, depending on the dynamics between the staff. I'm not sure how you should tackle it - maybe a word with class teacher first, but then definitely follow up with head or deputy head in short order.

Cracking advice from mrsbobdylan!

It may be a nice day but the weather changes - kids need a coat in school so put a spare on his peg.

Kids should be in the playground or outside as much as possible and he needs a coat in winter

I think you’d be the first to complain if the weathers bad and he gets soaked or has to sit inside because it’s too cold.

And yes the tray, it needs moving or maybe your son needs to observe what others are doing? Is he sitting there a while? Is he holding up other kids? Is he likely to be trodden in? Is he aware of others?

Plus the talking, he can ignore the other students, he can turn away and not engage. That’s his choice.

Having worked outside with most KS2 kids very few wear coats. I check the weather myself if I am in doubt I send him with PAC Mac in his bag. I would collect him and bring a coat if the weather changes. I gave up telling children in KS2 to put coats on in even bleakest wet cold days. The coat area is pretty rammed and I don't want to leave a coat at school as this will get lost. I just want her to stop singling him out

It’s November. Reading between the lines a child who is used to being consulted over whether or not he needs a coat probably isn’t the easiest to manage. Encourage resilience in him.

Whether or not the TA thinks he should have a coat, it's for the school to bring up with the OP, not to yell at ds for not having one. Some kids would pass out from overheating if they were made to wear their coats out playing.

My child tells me I’m shouting at her when I’m telling her off. Doesn’t mean I am shouting. The likelihood of an adult ‘picking on’ a child is small compared to the likelihood of the adult correcting the child when they need to be corrected. Kids don’t like it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t need to be done.

Are you in the UK? If so, it’s November so of course he needs a coat. It isn’t raining where I am but it’s only 11 degrees outside- hardly cracking flags.

Anyway, I doubt the TA has it in for him. I’d have a word with the teacher about it if you’re genuinely concerned. He sounds like a normal ten year old to me. He was talking in class so he got told off, whether the other children talking also got told off or not is largely irrelevant- he shouldn’t have been talking.

The tray thing sounds a bit odd, I’d probably just mention it to the teacher and I’m sure he won’t be told off for it again.

DS2 used to say he was picked on when asked to do something he didn't want to do. Make sure this isn't the case here.

He was convinced he was told off more than the others but he probably deserved it, frankly, he could be a real wriggle bum.

He could also talk the hind leg off a donkey and did talk far too much.

It's very rare for a child to actually be "picked on". be careful how you approach this.

It's very rare for a child to actually be "picked on". be careful how you approach this.

The likelihood of an adult ‘picking on’ a child is small compared to the likelihood of the adult correcting the child when they need to be corrected

I am sure it is rare, however it can happen, and having been in a very tricky situation with a TA and my ds, I'd say please don't dismiss it as a possibility.

The advice of @MrsBobDylan is spot on.

I am sure it is rare, however it can happen, and having been in a very tricky situation with a TA and my ds, I'd say please don't dismiss it as a possibility.

I don’t think it’s impossible, just really unlikely. The OP needs to ask the TA or teacher why her son was corrected as a starting point.

The tray thing is really annoying! The one child who sits on the floor because their tray is at the bottom really does hold everyone up! The five children whose trays are above have to wait and I expect they get fed up, it should only be a couple of seconds to put stuff away or get out and a sitter usually gets moaned at by others. It Also he will be blocking anyone else whose trays are at the bottom. Why can't he just bend slightly to pull it out? Can't comment on the coat thing but I thought a lot of classrooms have windows and doors open at the moment so quite cold indoors when they are not running about. Another point is that teachers often ask TAs to chivvy children along if they are busy, e.g. oh, tell X to get off the floor, ask X where his coat is etc but their way of saying things may be in a voice different to the teacher. Regarding only telling him off for talking and not the people he's talking to is that the person with the loudest voice will be the one checked as often quiet talking at tables is fine it's just when one gets too loud it will be annoying everyone else. Not saying your ds is completely in the wrong but just another point of view. But obviously ask the teacher about it if it continues to bother him.

What MrsDobDylan said

FWIW I have had this exact situation recently. My son is Y6 and the TA HAS been picking on him. I brought it up with one of his teachers. I also know that she has been reported by another parent for unfair behaviour to another child. I'm still waiting on some kind of response actually.

When other children in the year were asked independantly and without naming names, they stated specifically whom this TA targets, and the type of things she does.

Its all very low level nitpicking but being bullied by someone who is supposed to be caring for you is soul destroying and it needs nipping in the bud if indeed this is whats happening.

Poor little lad. My friends a TA and she was telling me how she prefers the girls to the boys in her class which actually pissed me off as I have sons and shes obviously biased to the girls. Get it sorted OP X

Primary school TA - if boys asked for help she told them they should have listened in the first place, if a girl asked for help its... oh of course sweetie 😒 dunno why shes still my friend tbh

to the person complaining about the sitting down: you do know that some kids just can't not sit down. too wobbly and uncoordinated to manage, too likely to get dizzy and topple, too in pain to manage the position?

how to deal with sitters: send one kid from each column of trays at a time. much less hassle. give more time for children to manage. they are children. problems around trays are poor classroom management and lack of support for children who need additional help. (be that teaching how to do it quickly if they are faffers, or giving more time or changing the position of the tray or giving them a buddy to help )

Why would you watch the weather and decide to collect him or take a coat

What if they did an ad hock lesson and he needed a coat?

Why isn’t the coat labeled? Why can’t he look after his coat on his peg?

Your ds only has you to look after his interests. I would put it in writing now as you have already spoken to the school and the issue is continuing. Whilst children do have some staff they like more than others, I think you have to believe your ds.

We had this at our primary school. One lunchtime assistant was just awful. Vile to the kids and always on her mobile in the playground. She knew me and would often make derogatory comments about the children and even their parents. I moved to distance myself from her. She now works at a care home fgs.

With my dd2 many years back, two of the TA's got into a furious row whilst the Head was away for the day. My dd could not stand them and found it hugely entertaining. As a child, she missed the point it was totally unprofessional and inappropriate.

You know your son and this is upsetting him. Speak to the school. Stick to the facts and remain calm but explain what is happening and how it makes your son feel.

I would agree that it is rare for children to be picked on, but of course it happens. My dd once had a shocking year and my biggest regret is giving the teacher the benefit of the doubt and not speaking up immediately when my dd complained.

If I were you OP I would speak to the head and demand that this TA goes no where near your DS as it's affecting him so much in a negative way and in fact if possible can she be permanently moved to another class.
Your DS has to go to school and the TA is not trained like a teacher is and is therefore maybe not emotionally equipped to deal with working in a classroom environment

Go straight to the head it will be more effective and say you want to speak to the governors if this TA is not removed and dealt with as clearly she is still behaving in a negative manner

It’s November - he should be taking a coat. Why is that even an option? The Weather here is so changeable anyway it can start out nice and turn horrible in the space of half an hour.