Son says TA is picking on him

[paul2louise]

My son is in year 5. He had a TA in year 3 and last year in year 4 and she is with his class again in year 5. He has said that she picks on him. He was upset last year with her and I complained at parents evening. His teacher last year was nice but a bit soft and it all got brushed away and then we went into lockdown. I have been asking him how year 5 is since start of term and he seemed happy. This morning I said we needed to leave for school . I asked him did he want a coat and he said yes because if I don't have a coat Mrs? will shout at me. Its actually a nice day so didn't see that he really did need a coat. So I spoke to him a bit more about it and he started crying. He said she tells him off because his tray is at the bottom and he has to sit on the floor to reach it. She tells him he needs to move. She tells him off for talking but not the ones talking to him. Other bits and bobs. He is not a sensitive child. He loves his teacher and year 5 so he isn't unhappy at school just with this TA. He brushes most stuff off. However I find her very rude. I have worked at school for 5 years as lunchtime assistant and she talked to me with no respect on a few occasions.
So having spent 6 weeks doing an anti bullying course I felt really cross that this is happening. I don't think the school really deals with stuff. The head likes things to go away.
So without getting hot headed and following my course advice how should I deal with this. The biggest thing I have learned from my course is that parents either go mad and confront the situation all guns blazing or put it off. Neither is the right thing.

I know that the majority of TAs and teachers are great. I work with small children and their families - I know it can be a tricky partnership.

But I also know that if there are difficulties with your child and a member of school staff, it can be awful. In our case our child was and is incredibly reliant on the support of a TA, and they are very vulnerable..especially as they have significant communication difficulties.

I think if there are concerns, and your child is expressing frequent unhappiness over a situation, it is important to talk to the class teacher and to get clarity on the situation, and hopefully move forward.

No it doesn't. It means not jumping on children straight away for things that if a wee quiet kid did it you wouldn't. It happens.

So in this case, the teacher is picking their battles, aren’t they? They’re not being relentlessly consistent and fair, as they should be. But in my experience, when a teacher is completely fair and consistent and a child ends up being told off more precisely because they break the rules more often, this is when the allegation of ‘picking on’ the badly behaved child emerges.

Dd1 had an awful music teacher in year 8. She is hard working conscientious clever and likeable without boasting not once through primary or the rest of secondary has any teacher had any issue whatsoever all positive if not effusive feedback.

She told me “mr x hates me” which I thought was teenage melodrama but she was right. He was absolutely vile to both of us at parents evening downright rude actually. I wonder if dh had been there whether he would dared to speak to us like that 🙄. Dreadful man.

In this case, the OP has herself worked in the school and has first-hand experience of this TA’s behaviour. She isn’t just taking her DS’s word for it. She also hasn’t complained until now, despite this going on for several years.

I think the right course of action is to raise her concerns with the class teacher, which she says she’s going to do.

Write a factual bullet point list of the things that have happened to date. To you and son. Email them to the head and ask if she can take steps to resolve the TAs behaviour and update you on what has been discussed. Explain that you’ve attended Antibullying awareness and you’re going to glag any concerns you have about the TA instead of sitting on them.

You’ll find there are others in the same boat. We did. In the end she was directed not to talk to DS or myself and eventually she left after a steam of complaints from other. A very mean spirited and unkind person. Sadly they can be found in any workplace

Teachers are human beings. Just like doctors,police, nurses.

They are not infallible because they work in that profession.

Some times human beings can be dicks.

OP I’d absolutely go in school. I’d start the conversation off with ‘Ds tells me he is getting shouted at a lot- what can we do to fix this’

I’d start the conversation off with ‘Ds tells me he is getting shouted at a lot- what can we do to fix this’

OR: Is this the case?

I would speak to the head because I think it would be hard for the teacher to do a lot as she has to work with the TA.
Unfortunately I'm not convinced much will happen. My daughter was bullied all through Y4 by another child. On the rare occasions he wasn't hitting, kicking or spitting the teacher would be telling my daughter off for something. I once overheat the teacher telling my daughter to stop crying when this boy had kicked her. At that point I went and sat outside the heads office until she removed my daughter from that class. Of course the teacher is still there.
Schools don't like to admit that they have a problem with bullies and my experience is it never really gets sorted.
Is there a chance of moving your son to a different school? I know you shouldn't have to but I'd consider it if things don't improve. You don't want your son stuck with her next year too.

@flaviaritt

I’d start the conversation off with ‘Ds tells me he is getting shouted at a lot- what can we do to fix this’

OR: Is this the case?

Why would I not believe my own child?

Why would I not believe my own child?

This is going to come as quite a shock but... sometimes people don’t tell the absolute truth. Even to their mummies. And especially when the exaggeration or understatement (or lie) might get them out of a sticky spot.

I don't see the need for snarkiness and sarcasm.
I don't think there is any harm in listening to your child's concerns, and starting a discussion with the school about how to move forward.

Coming from a teacher of the teacher of the same age, I do find some children can exaggerate the details. I once had a parent complain as I apparently banned them from drinking which wasn’t true . I maybe would ask the teacher how your son is doing in year 5.

You also have to take into account as teaching staff in uks2 we are slightly strict as prep for the move to secondary.

I’d start the conversation off with ‘Ds tells me he is getting shouted at a lot- what can we do to fix this’

Or 'DS tells me... can you shed some light on what's been going on?'

Any conversation with the school needs to be calm, factual with the parent open to the fact thay they might have half a story/a story that's been told with a slant to minimise their DC's actions.

Think 'DC was given a detention for just asking for a pen' vs 'they'd been talking to their friends and turning around, they'd been spoken to several times and when sanctioned they claimed they were just asking for a pen'.

I find it hard to get my head around the fact that some parents are blind to the fact these situations exist. See also 'my child would never lie'. Reality? All children would lie because they are human. It doesn't make them a bad person.

@LolaSmiles

Agree . On the my child wouldn’t lie issue, I actually find the more well behaved children are more likely to lie as they are so scared of getting in trouble

See also 'my child would never lie'. Reality? All children would lie because they are human.

I find it hard to believe that people who have so little faith in the adults who care for their children are actually prepared to send them to school at all.

@BlackeyedSusan

to the person complaining about the sitting down: you do know that some kids just can't not sit down. too wobbly and uncoordinated to manage, too likely to get dizzy and topple, too in pain to manage the position?

how to deal with sitters: send one kid from each column of trays at a time. much less hassle. give more time for children to manage. they are children. problems around trays are poor classroom management and lack of support for children who need additional help. (be that teaching how to do it quickly if they are faffers, or giving more time or changing the position of the tray or giving them a buddy to help )

Absolutely this. Instead of picking in individual children, why not fix the logistical problem that causes the issue, which is too many children crowded around a space too small to hold all of them at one time. . There is always a solution of some sort if you get creative enough and are flexible. This however requires work so it is easier to pick on the individuals who are having more trouble in that environment than others

Honestly I think learning to live with grumpy TAs is a really good life lesson. My kids had one -she was really irritable and got on quite a few people's nerves- but they learned how to interact with her and deal with their own emotions when she pissed them off. By the time they left they were weirdly fond of her. I mean if he's really miserable say something about his issues, as pp suggests. Otherwise I find saying 'maybe she's just a grumpy person' and getting him not to take it personally I'd a good life lesson.

As far as the coat etc goes, there are some things that you agree to when you send your kid to school, and one of those things is that they will have to do certain things that you/they don't find important. Uniform comes under this umbrella in my case, as is wearing matching socks. Coat-wearing is obviously one of those in yours.

[quote MummyMiss]@LolaSmiles

Agree . On the my child wouldn’t lie issue, I actually find the more well behaved children are more likely to lie as they are so scared of getting in trouble[/quote]
I think there is some truth in that.

I once had a parent ask me why their child had been told off the day before, she wasn't having a go at me just wanted to know what she had done to get into trouble so she could follow it up at home. The thing was I hadn't told her off, the child never put a foot wrong in school and never needed it. The parent was adamant that the child had said xxxx had happened but I can only assume the child had dreamed it.

@CaptainMyCaptain

I just find from teacher to child, to parent back to teacher certain going ons get lost in translation. I’m mean according to lots of parents, however I’m not I’m just really strict rule wise and expect the children to follow them . Some don’t like it

We had similar, with a teacher rather than a TA.

I spoke to the teacher and worded it that DD was getting told off a lot, was she behaving badly?

I thought that if she was, it was a good opportunity to talk about it. If she wasn’t, it would make the teacher think about how they speak to them. I also thought it was a good first chat, in that if it carried on it was good to have got the ‘you’ve said they aren’t badly behaved’ out there.

I think if a teacher is picking on a child there is no harm in letting them know you are onto them.
But equally you need to check your child isn’t being a PITA.

CaptainMyCaptain
Poor child.

I had a similar situation where a child reported being in trouble and they'd not been in trouble. It turned out that the child had mentioned they had to start their work again because they went wrong. It was entirely their choice and I'd praised their maturity, but home were ready to put sanctions in place for not doing the work properly.

Absolutely. That's why it's always better for the parent to talk to the teacher with an open mind. A child can often interpret an instruction or a reminder (eg to stop talking) as 'a telling off' when that was never the intention.

Some children also think any elevated tone of voice is ‘being shouted at’. It isn’t, though it might be being told off.

Several boys in my class tell me that they got picked on at after school club last year “when they were just doing the same as everyone else”. I thought yes, you might have just been looking out the window like everyone else, but what were you doing the ten minutes leading up to that? They have a proper reputation for being really silly. They’re genuinely very well behaved in my class but with anyone other than a fairly “strict” class teacher they’re all over the place.

What I’m saying is they have the attitude that they weren’t doing anything wrong when I would imagine the entire session at after school club had been then being low level disruptive, but I also imagine that the staff there have a lower tolerance for them, based on their general behaviour. It’s a tricky one. I’d follow it up.