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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Son says TA is picking on him

99 replies

paul2louise · 12/11/2020 09:51

My son is in year 5. He had a TA in year 3 and last year in year 4 and she is with his class again in year 5. He has said that she picks on him. He was upset last year with her and I complained at parents evening. His teacher last year was nice but a bit soft and it all got brushed away and then we went into lockdown. I have been asking him how year 5 is since start of term and he seemed happy. This morning I said we needed to leave for school . I asked him did he want a coat and he said yes because if I don't have a coat Mrs? will shout at me. Its actually a nice day so didn't see that he really did need a coat. So I spoke to him a bit more about it and he started crying. He said she tells him off because his tray is at the bottom and he has to sit on the floor to reach it. She tells him he needs to move. She tells him off for talking but not the ones talking to him. Other bits and bobs. He is not a sensitive child. He loves his teacher and year 5 so he isn't unhappy at school just with this TA. He brushes most stuff off. However I find her very rude. I have worked at school for 5 years as lunchtime assistant and she talked to me with no respect on a few occasions.
So having spent 6 weeks doing an anti bullying course I felt really cross that this is happening. I don't think the school really deals with stuff. The head likes things to go away.
So without getting hot headed and following my course advice how should I deal with this. The biggest thing I have learned from my course is that parents either go mad and confront the situation all guns blazing or put it off. Neither is the right thing.

OP posts:

flaviaritt · 12/11/2020 14:07

Go straight to the head it will be more effective and say you want to speak to the governors if this TA is not removed and dealt with as clearly she is still behaving in a negative manner

Oh I’m sure the TA will be sacked because the OP demands it.

Icecreamsoda99 · 12/11/2020 14:16

I don't know why people are saying it's rare. You get bullies and people on power trips in all walks of life, look at the threads where people reminisce about some of the shitty teachers they had! I don't have anything to add but do take it up calmly with the teacher as you've been advised. I do wonder if she looks down on you as a lunch time monitor, the schools I've worked in have had a lot of this where there is a perceived hierarchy and bolshy people trying to assert their position.

flaviaritt · 12/11/2020 14:53

I don't know why people are saying it's rare.

I think it’s rare for the same reason I think anything must be rare. I’ve had a lot of exposure to the education sector and have never seen anything such as what is being described. I’ve seen lots of instances of kids or parents taking things the wrong way, though.

Original poster

paul2louise · 12/11/2020 15:02

I know from other parents that she has picked on other children in the past. The way she has spoken to me in the past is rude and patronising. He is no angel but I don't want her to single him out. I get that he needs telling off. His teacher does that but without upsetting him. I will have a chat with the teacher. I have let this go for a while on and off as I worked at school and didn't want to make a fuss. I have started a new job now in another school. Most boys don't wear coats as they run around outside. I used to make him wear a coat but I am letting him decide as he is a year 5. He will probably choose the coat rather than getting told off.

OP posts:

ifIwerenotanandroid · 12/11/2020 15:04

I don't have kids or any connection to education, but I've come across a retired junior school teacher (female) who told us all that little boys are fine, but little girls are dreadful & mustn't be allowed to get away with anything. That she found it a normal thing to say shocked me even more.

Nutters & bullies are out there. Why wouldn't they be?

ifIwerenotanandroid · 12/11/2020 15:06

Good luck, OP.

flaviaritt · 12/11/2020 15:08

He is no angel...

In what way is he no angel?

kory1 · 12/11/2020 15:14

@flaviaritt why have you only picked up on that one thing out of everything OP has written. Most children in year 5 are not angels. This doesn't justify for her son to be picked on and singled out!

flaviaritt · 12/11/2020 15:15

No, but the further away he is from being a well-behaved kid who follows the rules, the less likely it is that the TA is ‘singling him out’ and the more likely it is she is correcting bad behaviour and the DS is getting the huff.

hiredandsqueak · 12/11/2020 15:16

I am sure it probably is rare but as a parent of a child who has had 1 to 1 support from a TA throughout school I have had one occasion in eleven years where I insisted a TA was removed from my dd's support so it definitely happens.

LolaSmiles · 12/11/2020 15:29

Go straight to the head it will be more effective and say you want to speak to the governors if this TA is not removed and dealt with as clearly she is still behaving in a negative manner
Great advice .
I'm sure the head will absolutely sack a TA or move her elsewhere in school because a parent isn't happy that her child is pulled up for talking when he shouldn't be and he thinks others should be too.

OP
Talking to the teacher to find out what is going on and sharing what your son has said would be reasonable.

Complaining that the TA is picking on your child is not. You say yourself that he was talking when he shouldn't be. You also say yourself he is no angel either, which can easily be a euphemism for 'doesn't follow simple instructions'. He may well have been told off for the simple action of sitting on the floor, or he may well have been taking ages, messing on claiming he is 'just trying to get in my tray' and had taken a huff because the TA has challenged him. It may well be the case that the TA really does only ever challenge him for talking (as a parent I'd be asking my child why the TA had to repeatedly challenge disruptive behaviour before complaining that they're mean), or it could be that wherever he is in the room he is talking to other students and he is disrupting more frequently than others. She might really have told him off over coat, or she could have told him he should really have coat with him because it's November.

I'd be rich if I had a quid for every situation I'm aware of where a student insists a member of staff is picking on them, when really they dislike being challenged and know if they go home and say the member of staff is picking on them.then mum and dad will be too ready to challenge the member of staff that the student's own actions conveniently get bypassed.

eddiemairswife · 12/11/2020 15:34

Do you drive him to school? If so he probably goes from a warm house in a warm car to a warm school, and doesn't see the need for a coat.

HazeyJaneII · 12/11/2020 15:44

Sometimes it is indicative of the culture in the school. We, unfortunately, had a run of really unsuitable TAs and an issue with 2 teachers - it was/is ongoing for years, and has made life incredibly difficult. We have also had teachers and TAs who have been amazing, but I think sometimes when there are problems within the ethos of a school (often dictated by the head)...then it can cause real on going issues that can spread throughout a school.

2bazookas · 12/11/2020 16:10

Schools are advised to keep the windows open wide to reduce risk of i=covid transmission. It's November so they should take a coat to wear in class when it's cold and they are not running about.

As for TA being rude to you or not treating you with respect, there's a big difference between bad manners and being a bully.

arethereanyleftatall · 12/11/2020 16:37

Not knowing either your ds or the TA, it's pretty hard for any of us to know whether the TA is picking on him, or whether he is simply getting told off for not following instructions.

HazeyJaneII · 12/11/2020 16:39

Which is why, MrsBobDylan's advice as a starting point is the right approach.

tsmainsqueeze · 12/11/2020 17:03

I am surprised at how many people think the ta bullying is unlikely , there was a complete bitch of a teacher at my daughters primary , she was past retirement age but did supply , she previously worked there for many years and was a queen bee.
My well behaved kid did not want to go to school , i was polite and discreet and spoke to the head , he told me she scared him a bit too !
I listened to my child , did not put words in her mouth but acted, i was far from the only mother who complained.
She was spoken to and things improved.
You are your childs voice , we all know many adults are capable of bullying .

LolaSmiles · 12/11/2020 17:41

tsmainsqueeze
In my experience staff picking on students is significantly less likely than a student who doesn't behave going home spinning events in a certain way so that home will complain about the member of staff and conveniently ignore the child's behaviour.

I've worked with some arseholes of colleagues and have worked with parents who have raised valid concerns about colleagues, but they are the minority compared to 'you're picking on my child' (no, I challenge their behaviour in line with policy), 'Mrs Smith is targeting my DC and singling them out in front of her class all the time (no, Mrs Smith has repeatedly had to deal with rude and disruptive behaviour, which has led to your child being sanctioned), 'Mr Brown hates my DC for no reason and never tells his favourites off' (no, Mr Brown doesn't hate your child, he just doesn't tolerate silly behaviour or rudeness. He doesn't have favourites either, any child who is well behaved and polite doesn't get told off because they are well behaved and polite).

flaviaritt · 12/11/2020 17:50

any child who is well behaved and polite doesn't get told off because they are well behaved and polite).

And this is always the crux for me. Do these ‘incidents’ of ‘picking on’ children happen to overlap with incidents of misbehaviour? How many adults are going to look at a child doing what they should be doing or have been asked to do, and challenge them on it for no reason? What would be the point?

ChristopherLillicrap · 12/11/2020 18:05

@flaviaritt

any child who is well behaved and polite doesn't get told off because they are well behaved and polite).

I agree with this.

I gave up telling children in KS2 to put coats on in even bleakest wet cold days.

And how would you have felt if a parent had complained that you were picking on your child because you told them to put a coat on?

It's November. There's enough going on in school without having to deal with parents turning up with coats because their child has decided he doesn't need one that day but now his mum has changed her mind and thinks he should have one. Then of course someone has to take the coat to the child's class for him...

Just send him in with a coat and remind him that if he's told to put it on then he needs to do so. It's a perfectly reasonable request.

It's worth asking if his tray can be moved if he feels that he needs to sit on the floor before he can open it.

ChristopherLillicrap · 12/11/2020 18:06

picking on their child...

tsmainsqueeze · 12/11/2020 18:10

I quite agree with you LOLASMILES, and i'm not a fussy ,troublemaking parent , i am also an experienced mother of 3 .
Through all the many years my 3 have been at school this was only the 2nd time we have come across someone who shouldn't be in a classroom , all 3 have had some wonderful teachers and ta's .
My child wasn't alone , others were affected too ,but out of my 3 she was /is the one that was most able to give me accurate information. I also work with a woman who was taught as a child by this teacher , without me telling her the facts , she described exactly the behaviour my child witnessed, totally a bully .

itsgettingweird · 12/11/2020 18:31

Don't make the mistake of thinking Lsa or teachers don't bully kids.

This has happened twice to my ds (he's now at college so it's seriously not him as every other teacher thought he was opposite of how these 2 described him)

First one did cover 1 day a week. Ds always hated her as said she was mean to him. He was 6 so of course I thought he was misinterpreting the situation.
Then I met her. She didn't describe my child and when I approached his class teacher who had him the other 4 days she was surprised to hear that was him too. We agreed she'd observe quietly one day to see if ds was different with her.
Turned out not - she sought him out to reprimand him.

Second time was his science teacher in he 9. He scribbled science out of his timetable and ways hated it which made no sense as was always his favourite subject.
Again I arranged a meeting and approached it with "da seems to be struggling with science and reports always being in trouble - can you tell me what's happening so we can work to solve this".

Her reply was "he's got no hope of passing the subject as he's got awful writing and terrible social skills." And said he was responsible for 50% of all trouble in her class because of this although couldn't give me any actual example of anything he'd down wrong. (He's autistic with a muscle wasting neuro condition which affects his grip!)

He changed teachers after I approached HOY and asked them to look into the issues.

He then got a double 9 in gcse science. She wouldn't look me in the eye when we went to get results

CaptainMyCaptain · 12/11/2020 18:34

@BluebellsGreenbells

It may be a nice day but the weather changes - kids need a coat in school so put a spare on his peg.

Kids should be in the playground or outside as much as possible and he needs a coat in winter

I thought this. She could be just reminding him to bring a coat not picking on him in this instance. Reception children are outside a lot of the time, they need a coat in November.

LolaSmiles · 12/11/2020 18:42

tsmainsqueeze
Your poor DC. Unfortunately there are some school staff who can be unpleasant.

flaviaritt
Yes, the vast majority of the time 'picking on DC' seems to equal 'challenges my child for not behaving appropriately'.

I do think that once students get a reputation for being rude or disruptive that staff notice their behaviour more than a student who might have been a little chatty in the same lesson but is usually well behaved and gets on with their work, but as I say to students in my form "if you were doing what you were meant to be doing then there wouldn't be anything negative to notice". Some students like to try and deflect the conversation away from their actions and onto anything else such as whether the teacher likes them, whether someone else spoke at a different point in the lesson, whether they think it's unfair the teacher told them to get on etc.

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