To be sitting here crying - feeling like a terrible mum

[ScatteredMama82]

My youngest wet the bed twice last night (he's 6). I'm tired, I'm sick of staring at the same 4 walls working from home all day on my own. My eldest is like a sloth getting ready (he's 11). We were literally running out the door, he hadn't even tied his shoelaces. I had to run around gathering up what he needed for school, I lost my temper and I think I made him feel like shit. He had tears in his eyes when he got out of the car to catch the school bus. I feel awful.

Not to drip feed - I work full time from home, look after the kids all week as DH works away Mon-Fri (military). Sometimes it just feels like too much. I shouldn't take it out on the kids though. I just want to go and get him from school and bring him home for a cuddle!

Sorry you’re feeling like this. We all do this sometimes. To be fair, he shouldn’t be moving at a snail’s pace when he knows what time he needs to be out of the door!

With 11 year old, try to get as much organised night before so he can just grab the bag and go. No TV in mornings. (find this can really slow children down.)
Speak to school nurse regarding the wetting the bed, avoide squah in the evenings particularly black current. Wake him to go to the loo before you go to bed. (Thats if you not already tried these things.)

Yanbu to feel that way and yanbu to have had this moment. We all have them. We are human. If you really think you overreacted rather than just telling him off justifiably, apologise later. It is good, I think, for kids to see adults acknowledge when they are wrong. Tell him you love him and explain why you were mad and that you shouldn't have shouted and you're sorry. Then make the kids their favourite easy tea x you're not terrible you're just human

We all do this. I did this morning! Its ok.

Cut yourself some slack. You are doing 2 jobs alone.

Practically get him to get all his things together the night before.
And make sure you get out of the house every day. Not just for the school run but take a lunch break. Go for a walk. Call a friend. How are you relaxing in the evenings?
Its so so tough at the moment. I know i feel like a failure on a regular basis but that's because there is no way to really succeed at the moment. You just have to be happy with just enough. And take care of yourself because else you can't really take care of anyone else x
And I don't have to do it alone! I think you may be superwoman just to manage to get the school bus on time!

Thank you everyone.

@june2007 he doesn't drink enough in the day, and then is thirsty in the evening. He only drinks water. Eldest only got consistently dry about a year ago after attending enuresis clinic. I think we're going to have to get DS2 referred too. :(

Honestly there is nothing like a child who is disorganised in the mornings to cause stress!! I would say at his age you can have a chat when he gets home, say you did not mean to upset him but, he needs to be ready for school in time. Get everything ready the night before so it is easy, make sure he is getting up early enough to have time if he needs it, my ds needs time so he sets his alarm early. Try not to be cross but say by x time I expect you to be up, by x time you need to have your shoes on. If no difference is made then say if you are not in the car by x time then you will miss the bus, you will have to ring school and explain. Try and stay calm!!

Have a cup of tea and a biscuit and a wee cry, then make a plan:

Get a referral for DC2 for the clinic
Get DC1 to lay out stuff etc the night before so you aren't running around sorting his stuff
Get DC1 up 10 minutes earlier until he can deal with his morning better
Cut yourself some slack
Buy some wine for later.

You might be better not to gather your 11 year olds things, he needs to learn that it is his responsibility and to get his punishment if he forgets.
My oldest was still wetting the bed when he went to school. I did the opposite of what my HV told me ! He had a drink with his tea but then no more unless he needed it. I also ‘lifted’ him, ie wake him when I went to bed. He walked to the toilet, wee’d then walked back to bed. It worked for him.

My daughter was given a 500ml bottle for school by school nurse and was told to drink 2 of them during the day. (but before 7.00). As she too wasn,t drinking enough. She also had constipation so it helped with this area as well. Sounds like a referal would be good.

Gosh he is still very young to be worried about night time wetting. I have known 2 late teens who still wet the bed, one an old neighbour and one daughters friend, they did grow out of it. Boys more prone than girls. Those bed mats are good and save stripping the bottom sheet and you can get night time pull ups in age 8-15 so it isnt unusual at all, and age 6 wouldn't worry me and certainly wouldnt go to the gp at that age!

Been there quite a few times OP. Makes you feel so shit doesn't it. It's because you love them so much, otherwise you wouldn't care. When I feel like a shit mum for over reacting I make sure I apologise so mine know it's not OK for me to make them feel that way, but also discuss how you can make things run more smoothly in the mornings. Mines like a sloth too and I felt I was always rushing him and he hates to be rushed he just gets stressed out, so now he gets up half an hour earlier. Has a 10 minute snooze then straight in shower to wake up then breakfast. The morning runs so much more smoothly and I tell myself we have to leave 10 minutes before we really do for extra time. You are a great mum OP.

Oh I think every parent does this sometimes. I know I have and feel awful after, especially when you can't cuddle them. The fact is though he's probably over it now. Just give him a hug when he gets home and explain why you were cross but also that you need him ready by x time. Have you tried setting alarms for when he needs to be up, when he needs to finish breakfast,, what time he needs to be dressed by etc. We don't use them now but used to use a lot of morning alarms at one time which saved me shouting.
Try to reduce your younger sons intake of fluid for an hour before bed but other than that I'm not sure what else to suggest.

Get him up an hour earlier, and tell him he's walking to the bus stop. If you're WFH you haven't got time to parent him as well.

Op our ds was/ is exactly the same about drinking water - thirsty by bedtime because he doesn't drink enough during the day (convinced it's also responsible for the bent-double stomach aches he sometimes gets). He only became dry at night at 8yo (he's almost 10 now). We found that a bedtime alarm worked wonders. He's been reliably dry (not a single wet bed) ever since.

Don't be too hard on yourself. You've got a lot going on. We've all been there - I won't be winning any mother of the year awards this year either. Give him a hug when he comes home, say sorry, do something nice for dinner. Tomorrow is another day.

If all the parents who shouted at their DC in the mornings were to synchronise and shout together I reckon the world would speed up and it would be tomorrow.

Have a cuppa and look at getting more organised the night before. I’m sure you are an expert at managing the wet beds but if you can do anything at all the make it easier - specific bedding, better pull ups etc- spend the money and make life a bit easier.

Don’t beat yourself up about it op. Does your ds have a phone? Send him a message to say sorry and you love him.
You’re probably a bit sleep deprived too having to get up twice.
A tip I got from here is to make the bed up with mattress protector and bed sheet then another mattress protector and bedsheet so if the bed gets wet, just rip off the first layer and deal with it in the morning.
I would also insist on drinking earlier in the day and getting him to the toilet before you go to bed.
Getting bags and everything ready the night before really helps as well as having a leaving time of about 7 minutes earlier than you you’re latest time to leave.

The thing that stuck out for me is that you’re the one running around in the morning gathering the 11yr olds stuff for school. Firstly this should be done the evening before so it’s ready to just be picked up in the morning, and secondly it should be the 11yr old doing it not you! He needs to learn how to organise himself and take responsibility for his own stuff. If everything is organised and ready for the morning, it will make things a lot less stressful. Don’t beat yourself up, everybody has mornings like this with their children. We are all human, life is very difficult at the moment. Have a cuppa, breathe and look forward to a nice hug when he gets home later x

The 11yr old needs to know he has to get a move on & get his stuff together. Have often had this in mornings feel awful after but honestly they know how to wind up. My older two both walk to bus stop themselves now so it's on them to get there on time or they miss it. That helps their motivation to move! Tho often still shouting at them to brush their teeth & them screaming 'itll make me late' after spending 20mins fixing their hair.
Ps I successfully used the roger alarm on my ds who was 6 at the time & it worked in about 6 weeks we were down to 1 wet per fortnight or so

Maybe its because he was autistic, but i left DS in night time pants until he was 7 or 8.

If your 6yo is still bed wetting, please save yourself the stress and put him back in night time pants.. it doesn't mean he SHOULD pee in them, have the same expectation that he get up and use the loo, but if he does wet himself, it saves the hassle of embarrassment for him and having to change pjs/sheets in the middle of the night.

I'm not saying its what you're doing at all, btw, but i dont get this obsession in insisting children who aren't consistently dry, not wearing pj-pants at night.

You need to ask the school to badger him about drinking during the day, i've had to do that with my DD as her flask was constantly coming home nearly full, then she was drinking nearly 2 full bottles between home and bed, and then up and down to the loo all night >.<

Other that that, don't feel bad, if you WERE a bad mum, you wouldn't be feeling awful right now. Things are so hard and you've a lot on your plate, and 11yo's are small assholes at times (i have one) and morning rule in our house is no tv/tablet/anything until you're dressed and ready for school!

Don't beat yourself up, give them a cuddle when they come home and if you feel you ought to apologise, then do, but also explain what they were doing to push you over the edge.. they need to know mom has limits!

You know, you son was horrendously disorganised until about a year ago when I made him take more responsibility. Gym kit is entirely his problem, and harsh though it sounds, it was the only way to get him to focus.

The other thing I did was ban breakfast until they were both fully dressed. Hunger gets them going!

Honestly some mornings are just hard like that and the best thing you can do is to train them. My sons now ten and really on the balll , a year ago he was a total disaster.

Do a list for the oldest of what he needs to do. Everything. Get dressed, brush teeth, pack bag etc. Instead of barking orders in the morning, all you need to say is 'look at your list and do everything on it'. when you catch him staring into space tell him again...'go and look at your list and do everything on it'. It has helped with my son.

2 of my kids weren't dry until about 8 years. The other much longer 10 I think - I got a mattress alarm and it worked in a week. They wore pull-ups until then. Not negotiable.

Re bedwetting. Nighttime pants for now. They won’t do it forever and one day will
Just not need them. Much bed wetting is caused by the fact that they’re not producing enough vasopressin yet - this comes with maturity. My son was only reliably dry from about 7 and I made sure it didn’t become an issue or a source of anxiety

Get him up an hour earlier, and tell him he's walking to the bus stop. If you're WFH you haven't got time to parent him as well.

She'll have to make time time to parent him then. He's only 11 years old....and it's her job to parent her children.
If he can try and make sure he gets things he needs ready the night before then maybe getting him up 15 minutes earlier will help (assuming OP actually allows sufficient time to get ready usually).

Parents are allowed to lose it every now and then. I remember my mum used to yell a lot when it came to time keeping. I remember it fondly now as it was quite funny tbh at the time.

Give him a big hug when he gets home. Talk it through and explain that everyone gets frustrated at times and you were worried he would miss the bus. Ask him in the future to be a bit quicker and you'll try hard to stay calm.

In the meantime, maybe think to see if there's anyway you can improve the morning routine. Can he pack his bag night before for example. Or have a quicker breakfast of toast rather than cereal. Or lay his clothes out ready to go. Whatever usually slows him down.

You're not alone

It's a nightmare isn't it.

You are trying your best.