To be sitting here crying - feeling like a terrible mum

[ScatteredMama82]

My youngest wet the bed twice last night (he's 6). I'm tired, I'm sick of staring at the same 4 walls working from home all day on my own. My eldest is like a sloth getting ready (he's 11). We were literally running out the door, he hadn't even tied his shoelaces. I had to run around gathering up what he needed for school, I lost my temper and I think I made him feel like shit. He had tears in his eyes when he got out of the car to catch the school bus. I feel awful.

Not to drip feed - I work full time from home, look after the kids all week as DH works away Mon-Fri (military). Sometimes it just feels like too much. I shouldn't take it out on the kids though. I just want to go and get him from school and bring him home for a cuddle!

its also really good for our kids to see us apologise, they learn from us. So look at it as a lesson for him.

Here's the thing - we all lose it now and again, but if you DIDN'T feel bad about it, that would be the thing that made you a terrible mum! Talk to your 11-year-old tonight, apologise and try to make a plan together to get you both through the mornings. x

You poor thing. you must be exhausted.

Set the clinic referral in motion. It worked for your eldest, it will work for Ds2 .
Meanwhile, you have had some good advice on this thread.
Do you do the old double bedding thing where you put waterproof, mattress protector, sheet, waterproof, sheet on the bed so that if he does have an accident you just take the top layer off? It saves a lot of faffing in the night.
What worked for my dc in terms of getting ready was something I read on here called the launch pad system. Just a name for getting everything ready the night before. I used a cardboard box by the front door for each child and supervised each child filling them at bed time.
School bag plus homework plus any letters or forms to go back to school.
PE kit or anything else.
Shoes
Blazer/coat.
Lunch box and drink already in fridge, just needed adding to the box as soon as I came downstairs.
All uniform laid out on chair in their bedroom.
Breakfast things all laid out ready.
I used to do the same for my work bag and my clean uniform (had to be clean every day).
No TV in the morning.
Easy to check each person's box was empty before we left the house.
It gets quicker and easier as you go along.
It means everyone can sleep better knowing that everything is prepared.

Cross posted with lots of people - arthritic fingers.

Give yourself a break! Have a chat and a cuddle with them when you get home.
Maybe grab some snacks and all curl on the sofa with a film if work allows.

@ChestnutSquash

Cross posted with lots of people - arthritic fingers.

Possibly the best post on the thread though, so worth the wait!

Very very good advice. We only have issues wth DSD fannying on on mornings, luckily the little ones are sorted in a flash. DSDs issue appears to be that she considers it the end of the world if she puts her phone down, even for 5 minutes..I have watched her trying to tie her shoelaces with one hand, so she doesn't have to put the blody phone down Unfortunately DH does not see it as problem, though it causes much stress. So on it goes, as I don't feel right 'punishing' his child, think thats down to him and her mum really.

Don't feel bad. Frankly an 11 year old who is not getting organised on time in the mornings, and doesn't have his shoes tied up to get out of the door, deserves to have you lose your rag. People keep saying he is a child, but he is around secondary starting age and it's time he got himself in gear.

Such as regular reminders to help him stay focussed (he hasn't tried to absent mindedly leave the house in bright green crocs and one sock for a while now), specific time to start putting on shoes and getting ready to actually leave, giving extra time for things and staying calm. I think these tools could work with any kid who struggles to get moving.

^^This.

I ended up using these techniques - thing is now they are pretty much doing it themselves including checking up on each other with times as tehy walk in toegther now and have they got their lunch.

Shoes were a pain for years - every system I tried and we'd still have mornings hunting around last minute for them - in end it's insisting they keep bags,coats and school shoes in their rooms that seems to be working for them.

My husband is snap military and away all week if not longer) it's not easy x

I haven’t rtft, sorry, and it’s probably already been said but bedwetting up to age 6 is entirely within normal parameters.
It stops when the body starts producing a particular hormone. You can’t train it- it just happens when it happens and is down to genetics.

You may as well accept it as a fact of live and make accommodations (large nappies/pads/disposable sheets). It’s not in your control or the child’s control.

The discovery of that hormone is relatively recent (mid 90s I think) so there are still a lot of old fashioned views around on curing bed wetting.

Hth

Ive started fluoxetine and feel so much better

Try not to beat yourself up about it!!! We all have these mornings unfortunately. I remember running into another mum at the gate when my boy was in reception and I could tell she has been crying. She was the nicest sweetest mum ever and is a reception teacher too. She told me she was having a rough morning with her son acting up etc. and she just lost it on him. She felt so bad about it and was feeling so guilty she couldn't even go into work that day and had to take the day off. So if it can happen to her (who is the sweetest most calm mum ever and also teaches reception so she's a pro at dealing with young children), it can happen to any of us. After school apologise, give him a cuddle if he will let you and just put it behind you. Planning and organising the night before is definitely key and try to give yourself a little extra time in the mornings if possible.

Oh and I bought a bed wedding alarm off Amazon for my 6 year old and he was night dry within 3/4 weeks!!! Only 1 or 2 accidents since. And he used to be fully wet every single night prior to that. It was about £35 and came with a sticker chart. Highly highly recommend!

Deep breath, pat on the back, have a brew and a cry if you need and then back in the ring.

You are a great mum and you're just having a terrible day - who the hell doesn't?

Your morning routine clearly isn't working so that needs to change - not your parenting. Your eleven year old needs to be reminded the night before and if he forgets, that's on him. He won't do it twice, three times when he gets detention at school or forgets his lunch and goes hungry.

As regard for your six-year-old, poor thing and poor you. Definitely refer him to the clinic - can you put him in night pants to save on the washing? Bed wetting is soul-destroying at they must be embarrassed bless them.

Treat yourself to a nice tea tonight OP, sounds like you're having a laborious time of it - chin up, it's almost weekend.

I voted YABU to you feeling like a terrible mum! You're not! You're human and you're exhausted and it's a hard slog going it alone when DP is away working.

Haven't read the thread, but certainly within normal range at age 6 and nighttime pants for bed, until it's not happening. Mattress protector and avoid dc picking up on any concerns you have regarding this as don't want him to feel embarrassed. Should be a comfortable conversation between you.

A referral to discuss any issues.

It's not easy for you, you're only human.

Make sure you apologise properly though, looking him in the eyes and explaining why you felt as you did without blaming him (you can chat through his part in the frustrations of the morning later).

My mum lost her temper and shouted frequently growing up. The difference was she never ever apologised for it. She expected us to just move on when she'd got over herself. Apologising properly is really important. I would have respected her far more if she'd have admitted her own faults from time to time.

You're allowed to have bad days. Just give him a hug when he gets back and have a nice evening with him.

On the bedwetting, if it's a regular thing, could you layer up sheets and mattress protectors on the mattress? So you have 3 sheets and 3 mattress protectors alternating layers. Then, rather than having to change the bed during the night when you're tired and grumpy, you can just pull off one sheet, one mattress protector and onto the next layer.

@FippertyGibbett

You might be better not to gather your 11 year olds things, he needs to learn that it is his responsibility and to get his punishment if he forgets. My oldest was still wetting the bed when he went to school. I did the opposite of what my HV told me ! He had a drink with his tea but then no more unless he needed it. I also ‘lifted’ him, ie wake him when I went to bed. He walked to the toilet, wee’d then walked back to bed. It worked for him.

We did the lifting as we went to bed too. It worked a charm.

As other posters have said, there can’t be many of us who haven’t lost it one morning. I’d already got the apology in as we were rushing to school one morning when we passed a house where a lady was literally screaming at hers to get in the car, mine looked at me as if to say at least you weren’t that bad. Apologise when he’s home - kids need to be shown how to say sorry. And yes, do a tea that they like. Regarding the bedding, I had a washable protector mat that was fully waterproof on one side and cotton fabric on the other and you were supposed to put that on top of the sheet. I tended to put it under another sheet so it felt like he was just sleeping on the sheet as usual. Then I just whipped off sheet and mat, got DS back to bed and rinsed sheet and mat quickly in the bath, straight in the washer in the morning. I suppose the disposable ones work as well but might cost more in the long run. Mine was from mothercare but maybe other businesses do them.

I think its Reese Witherspoon that said "if youre not yelling at your children, then youre not spending enough time with them"
Give yourself a break. It sounds like youve got enough on your plate. We all shout at our kids at times.

I think it is better to teach children to do things by doing it with them to begin with, then gradually letting them do more and more by themselves.
I remember getting cross with DH when he would send 7 year old DS to tidy his room on his own, then get angry when DS would sit and play in the middle of it all.
I used to go with him and direct operations until he could do it efficiently on his own. It is a nice opportunity to have a chat anyway. Children (and teenagers) tend to communicate much better while doing a shared task than when you sit them down for a talk. IME.

I've apologised more to my children in the past 6 months than I did in the first 10 years of their lives. Be kind to yourself op.

I agree with everyone about apologising.
Being able to hug someone you love and say sorry is a really, really important life skill.