To be sitting here crying - feeling like a terrible mum

[ScatteredMama82]

My youngest wet the bed twice last night (he's 6). I'm tired, I'm sick of staring at the same 4 walls working from home all day on my own. My eldest is like a sloth getting ready (he's 11). We were literally running out the door, he hadn't even tied his shoelaces. I had to run around gathering up what he needed for school, I lost my temper and I think I made him feel like shit. He had tears in his eyes when he got out of the car to catch the school bus. I feel awful.

Not to drip feed - I work full time from home, look after the kids all week as DH works away Mon-Fri (military). Sometimes it just feels like too much. I shouldn't take it out on the kids though. I just want to go and get him from school and bring him home for a cuddle!

@CorianderBlues

Get him up an hour earlier, and tell him he's walking to the bus stop. If you're WFH you haven't got time to parent him as well.

Really?!

She's a parent and working commitments don't change that. You sound really cold in your approach.

Thanks to everyone, I think we will go for pull-ups. DS1 needed desmopressin tablets from age about 8-9. Maybe it's a genetic thing?

I have texted DS1 and apologised, we'll talk tonight and start having a run through of what's needed for the morning, he can gather it and leave it by the door before bed. He already sets an alarm and gets up in plenty time, he's just really slow! I've already said that from now on he needs to get dressed before coming down for breakfast, as it seems to work better that way. I disagree that I don't have time to parent him though @CorianderBlues, he's a kid and it's my job (my priority!) to parent him.

I had a day of feeling this with my 4 year old suffering with yet another bout of constipation, forgetting to take my wallet to the shop, my 12 year old really not 'getting' her maths and generally struggling to keep on top of the housework. I just want to stop the world for a day or two. Everything seems so rushed and full on. and for you.

For the 11 year old what is he doing in the mornings ? Does he have other difficulties or is it just getting ready.
My best tip for having kids ready to leave the house is no WiFi in the morning it's programmed not to come on until 8am so as we are due to leave

just a thought but does the bed wetting happen when dad is home? my dm went through a nightmare with my db at about this age when my df worked away during the week, she says now (this is many years ago) that she realised that he was worrying his little self over daddy being away, they found that if df called at bedtime and had a little chat with db that seemed to settle his mind and he would have a dry night.

and btw, 11 year olds can be a pita, you are not a bad mum, just a bloody frustrated one with a lot on her shoulders, give him a cuddle tonight and a kick up the bum in the morning!

Give yourself break, OP. It's tough, and you're doing great.

Oh god OP I do sympathise. We've all been there. I go from Mary Poppins at 7.30am to yelling SHOES!! SHOES!! by 8.20am at my 7 year old who lives in a world of his own. He will have one leg in his trousers and then start playing the piano, 90 seconds before we need to be out the door. Argh.
And don't worry about the bed wetting, agree with PP just put the night pants on him while you're waiting for a referral. Wine tonight

Some tips to help deal with the bed wetting.

I used to tape two puppy pads together and lay them on the bed where their butt goes, usually caught all the wee.

Double sheet the bed (sheet, waterproof, sheet, waterproof) so if the sheet does get wet you can just pull one set off and the other set is ready to go. Changing beds in the middle of the night sucks!

The fact you feel bad about making your eleven year old feel bad when there is a lot he could improve on himself tells me what a great Mum you are, he might even get ready quicker tomorrow ;-)

We all have bad mornings - make yourself a cup of something and move on. I agree with having your 11yo prepping his stuff the night before and then taking responsibility if he forgets stuff/is sloth-like in the morning. He's old enough to learn from consequences. I also agree with putting the 6yo back in night time pants - being reliably dry at night can't be forced or trained, though a clinic referral might help. Take a bit of the load off yourself that way.

And tell your 11yo you are sorry for being shouty and snappy. It'll be fine.

You are not a bad parent at all - we've all been there, this year more than ever!!

I suggest, making a plan today. What could make things easier for you? When he gets in from school every day could he lay his uniform out/pack his bag/prepare his lunch? Anything to make the mornings easier.

In all likelihood, he'll come home from school today after having a great day with his pals and all will be forgotten. But for your peace of mind, maybe give him a few extra cuddles/5 mins extra on the ipad. You are not a bad mum, you are a mum trying to juggle life through a pandemic.

No advice on the bed wetting but seriously, the only way that we cope with my 11-year old in the morning is by having literally nothing to other than shower, dress (before coming down) and breakfast. Bag, lunch, clothes are all out and ready the night before. Definitely no telly or anything else. No phone until shoes and coat are on and he's completely ready to leave the house. It's draconian but it works (most of the time).

Good luck, and be gentle with yourself - life is difficult for most people at the moment.

OP regarding the bed wetting, I have 3 kids and the first two were wet regularly until they were about 7 then magically stopped. The third one is still wet age 7. I just keep him in pjama pants and put bed mats under the sheet. I’m sure he will stop doing it eventually so I don’t stress about it.

I shout at my 12yo every morning. Shes my best friend in the world and we adore each other but my GOD shes annoying in the mornings - a sloth who's been tranquilised would get ready quicker. We have everything ready the night before, alarms set on alexa, no phone or TV until shes ready, get up at 7 to leave at 8.30 and its STILL a nightmare every day. So don't beat yourself up, dopey kids are bloody annoying

You can call their schools op and just say that it was a bit of an emotional morning and could they just check on the kids and tell them that Mum rang to say she loves them.

I have done this before after a shitty morning rather than sit at home feeling guilty.

My eldest took years to get dry at night and my 6 year old struggles to. This time round I just buy pull ups because I need the sleep and he will figure it out eventually!

I never know how to vote on these posts. I clicked YABU as in you are being unreasonable to think you are a terrible mother, but most people clicked YANBU, which I assume they are saying YANBU with the way you responded and are not a terrible mother.

everyone has mornings like these, you are being so harsh on yourself. Good parents sometimes shout and good parents have bad days. Give yourself the same empathy you would give a friend who came to you with the same situation

I left the door today with one lace undone and my hair shoved in a bun without brushing. I was running unusually late, we all have those days!

Super hugs.
We've ALL had our fair share of 'shit parent' moments. So please, please go easy on yourself, OP. Mornings are stressful! Hugs solve a multitude of problems!
And as for your 6-year-old wetting the bed. Mine were all in nighttime pull-ups until 6-7 years old. Get some pull-ups and/or disposable mattress protectors to put underneath the sheet. This will pass. It's temporary. It's very, very common so please don't worry yourself about the bedwetting. It's a hassle, I know. But really, that's all it is.

You shouldn't beat yourself up over it. Nice cup of tea and biscuit and calm down.

Your 11 year old should definitely be sorting himself out more - not dillydallying and maybe get into a routine so he's quicker.

Your younger DC - my DB wet the bed until approx 9, there weren't the methods around then that there are now but it is a stage and the ideas here by others should work.

Just a thought @ScatteredMama82 but with our bed wetting alarm we got ds to wear normal pants underneath bedtime ones, on the advice of another parent on here. It worked a treat - as soon as the normal pants become even slightly damp the alarm went off and ds got to the loo before the bedtime ones even became wet - it meant no wet sheets to change at 3am. He got out of night time pants with no wet sheets at all, within 1-2 weeks.

I could have written this exact post. Feel same.

I’m also WFH FT high stress job and sick of never leaving house save for (late) school run.
DH also military and away M-F.
Also feel like failure. Really fed up. The life admin never ends!

I have become a shouting mother in the mornings and also feel bad about it but at the same time I know I wouldn't get DC out the door without it. I'm single and wfh so empathise. Everything is more stressful at the moment.

Oh OP I sympathise. You're essentially being a weekday single parent and its hard.
Sometimes we lose it because they are VERY ANNOYING LITTLE PEOPLE (and in my case not so little as my 13 year old is man -sized now) Its fine. We can't all have endless patience.

Yes its been shown that bedwetting is genetic. Both mine were late wetters (as was I) . DS1 was 9 and DS2 was 7. In both cases they stopped of their own accord (DS1 was attending clinic for two years, but nothing worked - the endless timetabling of drinks and the alarm and the drugs - nothing - he just stopped one day and never weed the bed again) Just use the larger pull ups.

Both of mine are atrocious about getting out of the door. DS1 gets up earlier than everyone, but still waits till the last minute to get dressed/brush teeth/find glasses. DS2 gets up 10 minutes before we leave the house and it does my nut in. Neither have any inclination to move faster than a snails pace. DH is just the same.

You obviously have a lot on your plate; you’re essentially a single parent during the week. Just look at what you can control and accept that some things will need outside intervention. Your older child had bed wetting issues requiring medical intervention so at least you have experience - you probably cannot cure this by yourself so start the process in referring your younger child. With regards to the 11yo - my dd is the same age and she gets all her bag packed, lunch and drink in fridge and uniform out the night before because she leaves the house at 7:30 and has no time. Encourage him to be more organised in this way, no tv or tech in the morning and make sure he gets up earlier enough - unfortunately some kids need a boot up their arses! And remember to take some time for yourself

Can you get the youngest to drink more during the day? Also the referral sounds like a good idea.
I do my 12 year old's bag/kits etc the night before, clean the shoes and have everything ready by the front door so he can grab and go. He does watch tv but only after he's got dressed/had breakfast etc. Also I find it less stressful for the 12 year old to have his shower at night amd the 10 year old in the morning (uniform ready and hanging in the bathroom) so we're not all trying to use the hot water/time at once! It would help too with your youngest with the bed wetting to get straight out of bed and in the shower while oldest has breakfast. I find the more you do at night the less stress in the morning! And don't forget that once that mad flurry goes it's quiet, so breathe....