To be sitting here crying - feeling like a terrible mum

[ScatteredMama82]

My youngest wet the bed twice last night (he's 6). I'm tired, I'm sick of staring at the same 4 walls working from home all day on my own. My eldest is like a sloth getting ready (he's 11). We were literally running out the door, he hadn't even tied his shoelaces. I had to run around gathering up what he needed for school, I lost my temper and I think I made him feel like shit. He had tears in his eyes when he got out of the car to catch the school bus. I feel awful.

Not to drip feed - I work full time from home, look after the kids all week as DH works away Mon-Fri (military). Sometimes it just feels like too much. I shouldn't take it out on the kids though. I just want to go and get him from school and bring him home for a cuddle!

Can I just remind people there is more to being an actual single parent than not having a partner there?

OP

There is not a parent alive who hasn't found themselves shouting at a child, the bad ones do it all the time and don't care.

You are bothered about this so it shows you are not a bad parent.

In addition to the advice for ds 1 does he take a packed lunch? You might get some more liquid in if he has pieces of fruit / yeg that have a high water content, water melon, cucumber itc.

@2kool4skool It's not easy living like this is it?

Also my youngest son has inattentive adhd (we think - we've just booked up with a specialist for an assessment) and in researching this we find certain tools really help. Such as regular reminders to help him stay focussed (he hasn't tried to absent mindedly leave the house in bright green crocs and one sock for a while now), specific time to start putting on shoes and getting ready to actually leave, giving extra time for things and staying calm. I think these tools could work with any kid who struggles to get moving.

The fact that you feel bad about it shows what a brilliant, loving and caring mum you are.
We all have these moments. You’re having a tough and exhausting time and you’re doing your best.

When the kids are home from school give them a big hug and apologise. Have a chat with your 11 yr old and explain that you need some help and draw up a plan for the morning. Try to do as much as possible the night before.

Just be nicer to yourself, we all make mistakes.

Oh bless you op I have been there!

I lost my shit with the dds about exactly the same thing sometimes. When I pick them up I apologise but am very firm with them that they have to help. 'I'm very sorry I got cross but I need you two to work as a team with me so we are all calm and on time - tomorrow x and y will be different....'

Then you tweak the routine a bit until it works better.

When you are all in the car on time, with all the right kit and calm you say 'ah this is great, we are all ready and happy and on time' then you put the radio on and find something upbeat and its job done.

Kids can handle toy getting cross if they understand why and you give them some agency in how to make things better.

Oh op we have all had days like this!
Honestly there is no one out there in the world that has not had a morning like this.

Be kind to yourself today.
What do you need to help you through the wetting situation? I am assuming you have waterproof sheets or cover. Keep plenty of spare PJ bottoms for a quick change.

Wake up the children earlier so the 11 year can plod through and doesn't feel stressed. I would make sure you build in the time for last minute issues.

This weekend dh needs to take over for a day okay? You are on your way to burn out op. Take a day off, he can take them out to the park, and a run and play football or whatever with them for a few hours.

YOU NEED A BREAK - to get back to some self care. Get yourself back into a good place

We have all done that at some point, well i certainly have! My partner worked away Mon-fri when mine were younger, i know how stressful that is!
Two of mine still wet the bed until they were 8, it is not at all unusal to be doing that at his age.

YABU to feel like a terrible mum - we have all had those moments.

A hug and an apology to DS, as others have said, will mean a lot.

Be kind to yourself. I do this sometimes, then the guilt sets in once I've dropped off. Mornings are so stressful! You have a lot on your plate, it's normal.

Maybe have chat with him after school. Explain why you shouted, how you feel when he is running late/not ready & perhaps make a plan to relieve the morning stress. Talk to him, ask him for some ideas to be ready on time, let him make some suggestions to you. Like others have said, ask him to lay uniform out night before, get lunch/bag ready night before? Don't worry - he will be at school with his mates and not be thinking of this!

Also dd2 who is 8 is still bed wetting. I put her back in pull ups and she had movicol. I think for her and I the midnight bed stripping was worse than the accident!! When we went back to pull ups the accidents reduced and we all slept through the night!

If the 11 year old hasn't got his stuff together in time let him go without it, he'll probably get into trouble at school and that might motivate him more than you can. No-one should be nannying an 11 year old, he won't be at school, we could always recognise the nannied children in Year 7, they could do little for themselves, more often boys than girls too.

As a single parent I think military families have it worse (not including financial support) you never have time to get in a proper routine, the children and you are missing the other parent and then they return and throw everything out of kilter.

OP I think texting your son an apology was the perfect course of action. When your DC gets in treat them like the responsible young people they are becoming. It is the perfect time for them to see how we become resilient, by facing problems and looking for solutions. Make a hot drink and some biscuits and sit at the table, explain that you were overwhelmed this morning, covid has made your life difficult with the new routines and that you are sorry that you acted that way. Unemotionally go through the difficulties of the morning and ask them what they find hard and as a family see if you can come up with solutions. Spend some quality time together tonight even if it's only 10 mins each it'll do you all the world if good.

I have a similar set up - or did until DH began working from home during the lockdown. DH worked away from home Monday to Friday.

I only have 13 year old DS but he'll happily sit back and do nothing if he can get away with it.

So set both your DC little jobs. Like packing their bag the night before, getting water bottles filled up, checking that everything is ready for their day at school. I told DS that these things were his responsibility during the week, I couldn't do it all and I needed his help. Stepped up like a trooper. Yes, he needs a reminder to pack the bag the night before but at least I'm not packing it. As I told him, I have no idea what he needs for the day and, if I have to pack it, he'll have to suffer the wrath of the teachers if things are missing - that got him listening.

Then it's a case of out of the house - if shoes aren't laced tough, DS would have to go to school with unlaced shoes. He gets two timings - 10 minutes to go. At that point he needs to have socks on (he leaves that to the last minute), last minute gather up. Five minutes to go, coat and shoes on. At the time we need to leave, we leave. If he has left anything behind he'll learn not to do it again.

And get night time pants for your youngest. Just give yourself a break. Get the eldest sorted out first as his is just a case of him thinking ahead. Then sort out the issues with the youngest. You can't do both. It's too much.

Everyone snaps sometimes.

Honestly, that you feel bad about it now is a good sign. If you felt right about it that could be an issue, and could lead to that kind of behaviour becoming more common.

I will never believe that parents exist who have never snapped at their kids before.

I would just have a chat with him when he gets back, tell him that you were angry but know its wrong to take it out on him, and go from there. Have had that talk with DD(8) and she understood. Unfortunately she also started trying to comfort ME, when it was meant to be me making her feel better, which made me even more upset! Made me feel like utter crap. But yeah, everyone has been through this at least once, as long as it doesn't become a pattern, its totally normal.

Hugs to you, OP. You have a lot on your plate and no wonder you feel fed-up sometimes. Plus I think the lack of social interaction is getting to us all.

On the particular point of your 11-yr-old sloth - I think others have said this too - why not give him more responsibility in a positive way. I had to tackle the same issue with my 11yo DS last year. He responded really welll and now takes his duty to be independent about his own organisation very seriously. Talk to him frankly about the fact that it's just you looking after everyone during the week, that it can be difficult and you need his help.

Kids of this age are much more aware than we often think they are. You might find the tears in his eyes were because he knew he'd let you down, he sees your stress but is at a loss to help you. Guide him with some firm routine for being more independent - eg setting out his uniform and packing his bag the night before; getting his own breakfast; being ready by a certain time.

Be kind to yourself we all have days like this
Shit mums don't generally feel bad/reflect and want to do better so you are better than shit

Perhaps your being harsh might encourage him get his act together. At 11 surely he knows he should get his shoes done up in the morning and to get a move on. Losing your shit with him is not the end of the world. You are his mother, not his best friend.

Don't be frightened of being unpopular with your child during a bad moment.

Bedwetting later is mainly genetic, they just sleep too deeply. Not his fault

Oh and you are not a terrible mum! Give your 11 year old a cuddle when he gets out and tell him you need him to be a big boy and sort things out for school. He is old enough.

I don't have kids this age (I have a 3 month old), but I can only imagine how tough this would be :( we all have moments when we blow up and regret it. However, your son does need to learn to get a move on, so maybe this will teach him! Lol

Everything will be ok. Just remember that feeling like a crappy mum means you care enough and love your children enough to even worry about being a crappy mum. There are so many terrible mothers out there that don't care how bad they are.

Give yourself a break sweetheart, you're only human! Xxx

Also, I wet the bes until I was 10, loads of kids do lol

@VeganCow just because you knew two older teenagers who still wet the bed, does not mean that ops child still needs to be. In my area, they are willing to refer 6 year olds for help with bed wetting. I’d read (probably on here) that they had to be 7, so waited until dds 7th birthday To go to the gap and was advised they would have seen her earlier. We tried the tablets which didn’t work, so borrowed an alarm and within a week she was dry.

Op, cut yourself some slack. It is exhausting being woken night after night and having to deal with wet beds, it’s no wonder you are frustrated in the morning after a broken nights sleep. Dh was in the military and although I moved around with him, he spent a lot of time OOA and I was alone a lot. It was really hard going.

Others have given good advice for your older dc, but you are not a bad parent because you shouted. Sometimes it’s what they need to give them a bit of nudge to get them going, at 11 he is old enough to know exactly what needs doing before going out in the morning.

OP, sympathy. Try to remind yourself that every single parent has behaved like that at some point., Parenting and life are stressful. We all occasionally take it out unfairly on our DC. What matters is how we deal with it.

When he gets home, have a treat waiting for him, give him a massive hug and apologise. Say you were stressed and tired and although he must try to get out of the door on time, you had no right to shout and you are really sorry. DC need to learn we are human, that everyone makes mistakes and it is good for them to witness how to apologise because they'll make mistakes too in the future.

Then don't dwell on it. But help him get sorted the night before. Uniform laid out, book bag emptied, checked for homework, forms that need signing etc, then refilled.

With the bedwetting, DS had this problem until age 10 or 11. I was told if there's no other underlying cause, it's to do with whether a hormone has kicked in. If it doesn't aged around 3, then it won't until puberty. So no amount of alarms and pills will help.

I used to put a waterproof undersheet on the bed, then a sheet with a big night mat stuck to it, then another sheet. Same with duvet cover. Put a sticky-backed night mat onto the part of the duvet cover that is in contact with his hips then another duvet on top. Then if they wet the bed, you just strip off the top duvet cover and sheet and you can all go back to sleep as the bed is already made.

We all lose our temper from time to time. I would use it as an opportunity to take your DS aside and apologise if you upset him and figure out a strategy together so that he can be a bit more prepared for the mornings. Your ds sounds like mine, mine is 13.5 and has only recently been able to manage his time in the morning.....something seems to have clicked in his head and he is much better although we still have the odd morning when is in a mad flap because he has misplaced his face mask or homework but he is much better. One thing we did was to write down a routine on paper for him and he can follow that in the mornings so he doesn't forget things. They have a time when he should be doing them next to each task so he can stay on track. Be kind to yourself. I am working FT from home and there are days when I have totally had enough. I feel like i am under house arrest. One thing that has helped is playing music and singing along. It really lifts my mood.