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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have run out of sympathy

83 replies

winto · 11/11/2020 17:18

I am prepared to be told I am being unreasonable since I am maid of honour and it is maybe my duty to step up.

My sister is getting married and the wedding was reduced to 15 people and then pushed back and she is so upset.

This happened a while back and she is still very upset. Texts me about it all the time.

The problem is that as an individual I am very solution orientated rather than the sort to dish out sympathy. My response to problems is to research options and make the best of a situation. She doesn't like this response.

The amount of times I have sent 'I am so sorry/you poor thing/you must be so upset/I am here for you' I can no longer count. This is the response she wants. I don't think I genuinely felt these things. I think its because I can't stand her playing victim, it makes me cringe. I refuse to feel sorry for myself so I can't understand why thats what she wants from me.

My sister is in a stable job and so is her partner.

I have lived on next to no money, am getting evicted, am deserpatly trying to make sure my business survives, lost my side job, and am suffering from feeling so lonely.

She never asks so I don't share, I just remain as positive as I can in a situation that gives me enormous anxiety.

I received another text from her about how sad she is about her wedding and I just don't give a f* anymore.

Aibu to have run out of sympathy?

OP posts:
Whatifitallgoesright · 11/11/2020 17:22

God no. I'd be right pissed off with her. Maybe you need to share more of your reality with her though. If after some perspective she's still playing poor me then I'd not be quick to respond to any further texts on the subject.

DickBastardly · 11/11/2020 17:23

I think YABVU. You seem to think what is most important is how you think and how you feel and your sister’s reaction should come second to yours. If you don’t want to be in the wedding, then don’t be. If you do, then I really don’t know what this is about unless you saw it as an opportunity to get strangers to bitch about your sister with you.

WellyBootsAreYouFrom · 11/11/2020 17:25

She sounds very dramatic and self centred. I had to cancel my 200 guest wedding this year (non refundable deposit and insurance won't cover it either, ouch) and while yes, it's pretty shit, it's not the end of the world and others have lost much bigger things.
She needs some perspective, but if that's unlikely you probably need to pull back from her and give yourself some space.

devildeepbluesea · 11/11/2020 17:29

YANBU at all. You can't fake a reaction convincingly; you're a fixer and your way of showing sympathy is to try to make things work. I'm exactly the same, and that would piss me right off.

Sooner or later she needs to pick herself up and dust herself off and get on with things. I don't mind a bit of wallowing to begin with but as an adult you need to put it behind you at some point.

Cocomarine · 11/11/2020 17:30

Maybe she doesn’t ask, before you appear to be a private person? How much does age know about you problems? Which sound a lot, I’m sorry.

I don’t think having wedding delayed and reduced to 15 people is the sort of thing you have one wee rant about and move on. Yeah, worse things happen at sea, but it’s quite a big deal. It wouldn’t be for me - but I definitely think it legitimately is for others.

I’m on the fence here... on the one hand, IF she’s going on a LOT, there’s a limit to how much I’d want to hear! But you saying she’s playing a victim actually sounds downright nasty.

MrsMoastyToasty · 11/11/2020 17:31

It sounds like she wanted all the bells and whistles of a fancy wedding more than a marriage.

Original poster
winto · 11/11/2020 17:31

@devildeepbluesea thank you so much for reassuring me my response is valid

@WellyBootsAreYouFrom she is but I love her and I did sign up for maid of honour

@Whatifitallgoesright I did once a few months ago, she was very sweet about it but then never asked again. I do think she forgets others around her have their own battles to fight

OP posts:
Peterpickspotatoes · 11/11/2020 17:32

Yanbu to have run out of sympathy but it doesn't mean that either of you are right or wrong, just different. In my experience, you will never be able to get her to see that her problems are not the centre of the universe and therefore the best way to deal with it is to politely distance yourself as much as possible.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/11/2020 17:32

If she really wanted to be married she’s had ample opportunity to pop to the registry office and do it.

Her lack of sympathy for the genuinely shocking situation you’re trying to survive in is appalling. What a fucking self centred princess. Stop replying to her wallowing. I really hope things work out for you. I’d have told her to get some perspective and stop bleating on a long time ago.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/11/2020 17:35

@DickBastardly

I think YABVU. You seem to think what is most important is how you think and how you feel and your sister’s reaction should come second to yours. If you don’t want to be in the wedding, then don’t be. If you do, then I really don’t know what this is about unless you saw it as an opportunity to get strangers to bitch about your sister with you.
OP is losing her home and potentially her livelihood. You’re as lacking in basic human empathy as the bratty sister. Does it make you feel good about yourself being so unpleasant to someone going through hell?
TheAdventuresoftheWishingChair · 11/11/2020 17:35

You really need to talk to her. I bet she'd want to hear about what you're going through and yes, she does need to stop complaining to you and give you some support back now. But she isn't a mindreader.

I hope things get better for you, it sounds awful.

katy1213 · 11/11/2020 17:39

I'm not sure the duties of maid-of-honour include listening to the bride bellyaching for months over something that can't be changed; if she wants the big fancy wedding, she'll have to put it on hold. Of course, she's disappointed - but half the people she was planning to rope in as her audience (and that's all it is!) are probably only too glad to escape!

Original poster
winto · 11/11/2020 17:41

@Cocomarine thank you for your honesty. I am actually not a private person, but I just wouldn't volunteer any information unless I felt the other person may be interested. We will talk for an hour and she will just no ask about me, so it feels unnatural for me to bring in a problem to discuss without the other showing that they have space in their life to talk it through with me.

I just get very wound up by her negative approach to life sometimes. I get alot of messages from her which feel defeated and hopeless full of sad emojis for very small problems e.g. a package for wedding favours was meant to arrive today but it didn't. I know she's is messaging these to others and getting a tidal wave of sympathy and support. Her wedding numbers were reduced 5 months ago I don't have the capacity to keep dishing out sympathy when my approach would be to be upset about it for 3 days and then look on the bright side.

OP posts:
Chloemol · 11/11/2020 17:41

@DickBastardly

Did you actually read the post! You know the bit where the op has lost a job, is about to be evicted and suffering from loneliness and hasn’t said anything to anyone and all you can think about is the fact she is not thinking about how her sister feels

Get real, relationships work both ways and the sister never asks and focuses on herself and her postponed wedding

You owe the op an apology

AlexisIsMySpiritAnimal · 11/11/2020 17:43

@DickBastardly

I think YABVU. You seem to think what is most important is how you think and how you feel and your sister’s reaction should come second to yours. If you don’t want to be in the wedding, then don’t be. If you do, then I really don’t know what this is about unless you saw it as an opportunity to get strangers to bitch about your sister with you.

Well you live up to your username at least.

Op you are not unreasonable to want your sister to gain a bit of perspective and empathy. Even if I lived a-bed-of-roses life I still wouldn't want endless self serving "pity-meee" texts from her and i would run out of patience pretty quickly. It's shitty when you're up to your eyeballs in your own stress, and someone you're supposedly close to can't pull their head of their arse long enough to notice.

Krampusasbabysitter · 11/11/2020 17:43

@DickBastardly

I think YABVU. You seem to think what is most important is how you think and how you feel and your sister’s reaction should come second to yours. If you don’t want to be in the wedding, then don’t be. If you do, then I really don’t know what this is about unless you saw it as an opportunity to get strangers to bitch about your sister with you.
You do your name justice.
JoeBidenIsGreat · 11/11/2020 17:49

I think you're allowed to ignore her messages, or just reply to every 4th one that is on the same theme with "Sorry to hear how difficult things are"

Running out of sympathy is fine, just don't make it obvious.

LondonJax · 11/11/2020 17:50

I do sympathise with people planning their wedding but, as a previous poster says, if you're desperate to be married the lack of guests isn't an issue.

If it's a big party you want and to be centre of attention for the day (all perfectly reasonable - many of us have been there), then wait. Or have a party at a later date.

You can't change the rules. There are people who are having to miss their child's first Nativity/Christmas show, fathers who can't see their child being born, those who can't be with their elderly relatives in care homes and people whose medical appointments are being cancelled. Many of those things will never be able to be done again.

A wedding can be put on hold or you can enjoy a lovely intimate wedding. That's the choice. Neither is right or wrong but she has a bigger choice than many people have at the moment with the restrictions they face.

grapewine · 11/11/2020 17:50

She's selfish, at least should ask how you are. I assume she knows your situation. You're not unreasonable. I would have no patience left either.

stovetopespresso · 11/11/2020 17:51

Don't worry OP I often feel I have run out of sympathy for everyone and everything!I think it's a natural part of being human. And you know you're being solutions-focussed, maybe you are in other aspects of your life too, it can be a form of self-protection I think. Maybe as you're having a hard time right now you need some TLC. Provided you don't "snap" at her, you may regret it, you'll get through this

KisstheTeapot14 · 11/11/2020 17:51

She sounds self-centred.

She needs to get a grip and either postpone or make best of it.

Sorry you have been going through a whole lot of life stress OP. Hope things look up for you in the future. Flowers

LondonJax · 11/11/2020 17:53

And @DickBastardly I didn't see anything about the OP not wanting to be at her sister's wedding.

All she wants is her sister to get her head out of her backside and recognise that some people are suffering a lot more than having to cut down on the guest list - like losing their livelihood and home.

ShelbyCherryBlossom · 11/11/2020 17:58

I'm the same as you OP, I can't stand moaning without any kind of solution. I get that people want to vent from time to time but my instinct is to try and help. YANBU, there are far worse things happening right now and she should just be grateful for having a loving partner, sister, job, etc. Clearly more interested in the wedding than the marriage. She sounds like a bratty, self-centred princess and I'd have lost my shit a long time ago. Focus on yourself at this time and hopefully things will turn around for you.

MaelyssQ · 11/11/2020 18:00

I really hope things improve for you, OP, it sounds as if this pandemic has been dreadful for you.

Of course you've run out of sympathy, your sister is being a bit daft. There are far worse things than not being able to have a massive showbiz type wedding.

Out of my friends who were all due to get married this year, only one has gone ahead with a reduced wedding at a registry office. It was lovely! Her parents, his parents, grandma, their son, her 2 sisters, his sister and some close friends.

The others have rebooked for next year, so they can (hopefully) have the big fat wedding they feel they want.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/11/2020 18:04

I think you should tell her exactly how you feel. I sure as hell would. She needs to get a grip and stfu about her bloody wedding. Yes, it's a disappointment, but some serious reflection on how bad things can really be is in order.

I would not be able to handle one more whinge from this self-absorbed twat.