to have run out of sympathy

[winto]

I am prepared to be told I am being unreasonable since I am maid of honour and it is maybe my duty to step up.

My sister is getting married and the wedding was reduced to 15 people and then pushed back and she is so upset.

This happened a while back and she is still very upset. Texts me about it all the time.

The problem is that as an individual I am very solution orientated rather than the sort to dish out sympathy. My response to problems is to research options and make the best of a situation. She doesn't like this response.

The amount of times I have sent 'I am so sorry/you poor thing/you must be so upset/I am here for you' I can no longer count. This is the response she wants. I don't think I genuinely felt these things. I think its because I can't stand her playing victim, it makes me cringe. I refuse to feel sorry for myself so I can't understand why thats what she wants from me.

My sister is in a stable job and so is her partner.

I have lived on next to no money, am getting evicted, am deserpatly trying to make sure my business survives, lost my side job, and am suffering from feeling so lonely.

She never asks so I don't share, I just remain as positive as I can in a situation that gives me enormous anxiety.

I received another text from her about how sad she is about her wedding and I just don't give a f* anymore.

Aibu to have run out of sympathy?

YANBU but unless she hears a bit about your life this situation isn’t going to change.
Either you need to tell her how your life is or maybe get someone else in the family to clue her in.

She's found someone who she wants to spend the rest of her life with and he feels the same .

The number at the wedding etc is of no importance compared to that .

She is v v lucky .

OP you have been v patient ,no way are YBU

@DickBastardly

I think YABVU. You seem to think what is most important is how you think and how you feel and your sister’s reaction should come second to yours. If you don’t want to be in the wedding, then don’t be. If you do, then I really don’t know what this is about unless you saw it as an opportunity to get strangers to bitch about your sister with you.

Ignore I’ve seen this poster on many threads posting horrible comments. Just trying to get a reaction.

Stop giving her the sympathy. I'd be tempted to be fairly brisk: something along the lines of "Yes, it's a shame, but going on about won't change anything, will it?" Or "What a shame, did you see that we've now had 50,000 deaths from Covid?"

... Or: "I'm pretty worried about my business and living situation"

YANBU
You have tried to comfort her the way she wants and you’re getting nowhere. You have bigger problems than hers....
But maybe if you open up to her a bit and let her know what’s going on and to see how vulnerable you are at the moment, she might stop this constant leaning on you (because she thinks you’re a tower of strength...so she doesn’t have to be).

My cousin got married during lockdown one (ok, not legally) but virtually. She and her fiancé carried on anyway despite their actual wedding being cancelled. They set up a camera in the garden, got themselves all dressed up/wedding ready. Table with the cake & gifts. Decorations. Couple of guests spaced socially distanced....and they married themselves, live in front of a zoom audience of family & friends. Said their vows & ‘I do’s’. Exchanged rings. Had a first dance, cut cake, opened gifts had photos. All the audience on the Zoom call dressed up wedding appropriate & raised toast etc. She changed her name and they’ve been living as ‘married’ couple ever since. (When they can, they’ll do it officially).

Maybe something like that could appease your sister for the time being?

YANBU after a few "poor you" responses I would have reached the end of my rope with her too.
It's tempting to send 🥱 as a response.

Yes she's being daft but she doesn't want solutions. She just needs to know you're on her side. I think if you just listen and sympathise with her (genuinely) that will hopefully help her move on.

She sounds like self-absorbed twat. What kind of sister doesn't ask how you're doing and doesn't know you're about to be evicted????????? She's only interested in herself, surprised you've put up with it so long but people like her don't change so confrontingher won't work.

Answer every other text with a vague sympathy message and leave it at that. Slowly distance yourself from her.

I think I am quite like you, OP. I'm very solution oriented and people continuing to go round and round in circles about the same thing actually makes me feel really anxious because I feel like I have to absorb their stress.

I have to try and remind myself that just because someone's telling me about their problems that doesn't make them my problems to solve, and that other people are entitled to do what they like and I can't change that - I can only change my response to it (like maybe only checking for messages every X hours and then send a generic response like 'oh dear. How annoying.')

It sort of works. Some of the time.

YANBU
Hope things improve for you soon.
Positivity is good.

OP you sound like me and I’m in the same position as you.

YANBU - you have been sympathetic and shown that you care.

I’m also positive and I think (and have had people say) but “it’s ok, you’re so resilient”. I got to a point once whee I pointed out that because I look for the positives doesn’t make me invincible. Not to be callous nor uncaring just that I was being brave and positive and whilst always happy to listen to others problems it felt important to say that no matter how I appeared on the outside didn’t mean I had no feelings.

Have you said to your sister exactly how you feel ie “you’re sad for her wedding plans but the fear of not having a roof over your head (and particularly with children if you have them) is big for you and that whilst you care for her (as you always have done) that you’d also like someone to be there for you”

Thinking of you OP. Xx

I think we've all been in a situation where we've had to say things we're not actively feeling, OP - it's OK. It's not like you're not sorry for her situation in general, but there is an element of fatigue that creeps in. People who call you heartless or unkind for stating that honestly are lying to themselves, I think.

You just sound lovely OP. Your sister is lucky to have you. She sounds completely self absorbed.
I would reply maybe every week.
I wouldn’t focus on lack flash wedding.
I would share with her how you are feeling and if she ignores it then move on.
I hope great things come your way.

I am with you 100% OP!

I don’t mind people having a rant but constant moaning and trying to get sympathy is mentally draining!
And you often find it’s the ones who have the least to be upset about are the ones who moan the most which is even more frustrating!

Yanbu. Definitely. I would just ignore the texts. Wouldn't tell her what you think as she probably would make another drama out of it. Just keep quiet and know you are in the right. Hope things improve for you. You need to focus on you.

I would say YANBU but if you haven't fully shared your situation then maybe she doesn't realise how it's coming across. Some people like to vent, but wouldn't if they knew the person was struggling. Although if it's all she talks about then it sounds annoying.

OP,
You sound lovely and I really hope things improve for you soon.

My nephew and niece have also had to cancel their much anticipated wedding and have truly been models of calm and a fxxk it, there is nothing we can do and there is so much worse going on for so many people.
I really admire their calm and think it bodes very well for tge future.

I would be sympathetic of course but enough already.

I must add the caveat that i have great sympathy for those have lost serious money because of cancellation.
That must be so annoying.

YANBU

YANBU to be fed up of hearing the same thing repeatedly. Cracked record used to be the expression.

I think you should just be honest with your sister and say that while you are sorry her plans had to change, it really is not a major thing and it's time to get over it. For goodness sake it's ultimately a party where the numbers had to change. It really is not a huge deal.

@DickBastardly

I think YABVU. You seem to think what is most important is how you think and how you feel and your sister’s reaction should come second to yours. If you don’t want to be in the wedding, then don’t be. If you do, then I really don’t know what this is about unless you saw it as an opportunity to get strangers to bitch about your sister with you.

Are you her sister?

And btw I think you should just interrupt and offload on her about your problems whenever she gets in touch, even if she doesn't sympathise it should at least put her off coming to you with her complaints all the time. Really hope things improve with the business soon.

You're ok to feel fed up of her going on
She's ok to feel upset

It's how you handle it

The thing is op, I get that it's not good your sister never asks about how you are and people can be very selfish like this. But to offer a different perspective, it's very difficult to have an equal relationship with someone who never complains and never shows their vulnerabilities.

I'm not a whinger as a rule, but I went out with someone who was very "objective focused" and who never complained, which was admirable, until the usual bumps in the road came about such as illness and work issues, and I felt increasingly stupid for mentioning any of the big emotions that are inevitably part and parcel of life: fear, hope, sadness. Most of the time, I didn't want a solution, I just wanted to be listened to in a respectful manner. This went on for many years until I came to resent the fact that, even though he patently had struggles like everyone else, he never trusted me enough to discuss them with me. And yes, I did ask.

I wasn't interested in a big wedding but people are allowed to be upset about a cancellation. We are all different. Having to cancel a wedding is not in the same league as serious illness or unemployment, but maybe your sister repeatedly asks for sympathy because she senses that you don't genuinely feel it.

Maybe do the decent thing and try and dignify your relationship with a bit of honesty? You don't have to be aggressive about it, tell her you love her and don't like to see her unhappy, but you have a different view of weddings so that you are not the best person to complain to. Ask her how else you can help with something better suited to your skills, eg sending out cancellation letters?

Hello winto I’m so sorry to read about your current, very difficult situation. In my view, issues like yours are the true tragedies of this awful year, not the postponement of some ego trip wedding!

As a PP said, wedding preparations and arrangements nearly always reveal which couples want to have a marriage above a photo ready party.

Your sister is being incredibly self involved. She ought to be embarrassed that, in this awful year, she hasn’t asked you enough about YOUR life to be aware that you are facing redundancy and eviction. That is truly frightening and I do hope you will come out of the other side of this.

In your shoes, I would just ignore the moaning/self pitying texts. There’s nothing new to say.