to have run out of sympathy

[winto]

I am prepared to be told I am being unreasonable since I am maid of honour and it is maybe my duty to step up.

My sister is getting married and the wedding was reduced to 15 people and then pushed back and she is so upset.

This happened a while back and she is still very upset. Texts me about it all the time.

The problem is that as an individual I am very solution orientated rather than the sort to dish out sympathy. My response to problems is to research options and make the best of a situation. She doesn't like this response.

The amount of times I have sent 'I am so sorry/you poor thing/you must be so upset/I am here for you' I can no longer count. This is the response she wants. I don't think I genuinely felt these things. I think its because I can't stand her playing victim, it makes me cringe. I refuse to feel sorry for myself so I can't understand why thats what she wants from me.

My sister is in a stable job and so is her partner.

I have lived on next to no money, am getting evicted, am deserpatly trying to make sure my business survives, lost my side job, and am suffering from feeling so lonely.

She never asks so I don't share, I just remain as positive as I can in a situation that gives me enormous anxiety.

I received another text from her about how sad she is about her wedding and I just don't give a f* anymore.

Aibu to have run out of sympathy?

Drains and radiators. You know what each of you are.

I think you need to text her back and be like “ I know, it’s awful. I don’t know how you are coping. But at the same time I don’t know how I am coping with imminent eviction. It’s been a mad year” then see if she asks about your comment.

I think that's a bit of a pass agg way of introducing a life crisis that op has chosen not to speak about previously tbh especially as the subtext is clearly that the sister doesn't have real problems. Why not just communicate without side?

Sounds like her texts are unsolicited so I'd say it sounds like you don't put in much effort to actively contact her. She's talking about her to keep a relationship with you going. Initiate contact and you can drive the conversation.

Stop reacting in a fake way. Reply with your solutions, if that's what feels right. If she doesn't like it then maybe she will stop texting you about it so much.

I sort of get her mentality - if I'm going through something bad and I feel powerless, I will moan to my DH. I'll talk about it in terms of feelings. I do not want to hear from him that I could try X, Y or Z solutions. I want sympathy and understanding. However the difference between me and your sister is that this conversation would probably occur once in my house. I would get my feelings off my chest and then start moving forward. I wouldn't continually bring it up, and keep texting people about it, and expect endless sympathy. That sounds totally pointless to me. It also makes others feel drained, and like their own problems don't matter, as you have seen here.

I think you should share your own problems with her if you can OP. If she doesn't know she may think there is nothing going with you and feels she can lean on you for her own upset. It might help her get things in perspective . You probably feel like you have no sympathy because you are so stressed about your own situation, and you have nothing more to give. Sharing may relieve a bit of that stress and make it easier to deal with her and you may find she can support you. She sounds a bit self absorbed but it's worth making an effort.

@LondonJax

I do sympathise with people planning their wedding but, as a previous poster says, if you're desperate to be married the lack of guests isn't an issue.

If it's a big party you want and to be centre of attention for the day (all perfectly reasonable - many of us have been there), then wait. Or have a party at a later date.

You can't change the rules. There are people who are having to miss their child's first Nativity/Christmas show, fathers who can't see their child being born, those who can't be with their elderly relatives in care homes and people whose medical appointments are being cancelled. Many of those things will never be able to be done again.

A wedding can be put on hold or you can enjoy a lovely intimate wedding. That's the choice. Neither is right or wrong but she has a bigger choice than many people have at the moment with the restrictions they face.

absolutely this. To be fair, my wedding years ago had fewer than 15 people so maybe e this colours my view. I understand why it is disappointing for things to not be as planned and also financially the implications of lost deposits/having to have a large venue but for barely any people. However if getting married is truly the important thing, why not just go ahead and do that then have a party later.

Useful thread, thanks OP.

It is tough being a solutions focused stoic with your own problems when someone close's way of dealing with an issue is to work through their emotional response seemingly endlessly. Offering your type of support is like shouting into a void and listening endlessly to somebody wallowing over something that is yes, upsetting but not insurmountable is very draining.

I would stop with the 'there there' responses now though, you've shown sympathy. I would be honest with your sister about your own issues and how much you need to focus your energy on these.

I have a close friend who catastrophises and ruminates endlessly on everything without seeming to take many practical steps to solve the issues. His problems are always bigger and more emotional than anything else and to be honest, I have had to disengage. Recently we both had Covid, I was quite unwell (underlying condition) and he had a blocked nose. Obviously I understand it wasn't pleasant for him. He wanted ongoing reassurance and sympathy. I have had to screen his calls and provide non-leading answers to texts as I simply don't have the energy. It hasn't made his covid any worse.

Your situation is similar in principle but you need to act to stop resentment forming as it's your sister. This could be an open conversation laying out your needs and issues. Nothing wrong with either way of coping but if yours is the stiff upper lip approach, you do have to manage the imbalance.

Really hope your situation gets better soon, you sound like a real fighter