to have run out of sympathy

[winto]

I am prepared to be told I am being unreasonable since I am maid of honour and it is maybe my duty to step up.

My sister is getting married and the wedding was reduced to 15 people and then pushed back and she is so upset.

This happened a while back and she is still very upset. Texts me about it all the time.

The problem is that as an individual I am very solution orientated rather than the sort to dish out sympathy. My response to problems is to research options and make the best of a situation. She doesn't like this response.

The amount of times I have sent 'I am so sorry/you poor thing/you must be so upset/I am here for you' I can no longer count. This is the response she wants. I don't think I genuinely felt these things. I think its because I can't stand her playing victim, it makes me cringe. I refuse to feel sorry for myself so I can't understand why thats what she wants from me.

My sister is in a stable job and so is her partner.

I have lived on next to no money, am getting evicted, am deserpatly trying to make sure my business survives, lost my side job, and am suffering from feeling so lonely.

She never asks so I don't share, I just remain as positive as I can in a situation that gives me enormous anxiety.

I received another text from her about how sad she is about her wedding and I just don't give a f* anymore.

Aibu to have run out of sympathy?

@DickBastardly wow. How horrible are you?! Did you actually read the OP.

If that’s Ll the sister has to worry about, then she’s very bloody lucky!!

If I were you, after months of receiving those type of "poor me" type texts I would start responding with "Yeah sis, that's annoying, still on the bright side at least you're not being evicted", or "At least you still have a job", "at least your job is secure". Sometimes and with some poeple you do have to be a bit blunt to get through to them that their problems are really not that bad and that when your sister is about to lose her home and is fighting to save her business, moaning about some bloody wedding favours arriving a day or two late is pretty insensitive.

I'm sorry things have been so tough for you Op and I hope you have managed to find a new home and that your business does survive.

I think I'd be honest with her in your shoes, and tell her you can't keep having the same conversation over and over again. Tell her you're happy to offer practical support if she wants you do actually do anything, but, given that the situation can't be changed, ask her if she can do anything to help herself deal with the emotional side of things like a grown up would.

She sounds selfish and spoilt, especially given your situation, and indeed that of millions of others who are affected by the restrictions.

I'd find it hard to have that from my sister without reaching a point of saying enough is enough; endless wallowing does not help anyone.

The situation is shit for everyone but she has a lot going for her compared to other people including you. If she's that bothered about "The Wedding" then she needs to be prepared to wait, if she just wants to be married then she can do that.

I've no time for extended pity parties I'm afraid and if you're close enough to be your sister MOH then I think you'd be OK to tactfully tell her that.

YANBU to be tired of having to give sympathy in those circumstances.

In your place, I'd probably continue to "say the right things", even if my heart wasn't in it, though I'd also probably take longer getting back to her and "accidentally" miss messages to give myself a break.

If you think it would help you to talk about your own problems, you don't have to wait for her to ask. Maybe if you always follow up her relatively small frustrations and worries with your own larger troubles, she might eventually realise and remember that you have real problems of your own. Or possibly not, if she's suffering from temporary wedding-induced self-obsession, or if she's always self-obsessed.

It sounds like your sister doesn’t wait for you to ask her how she is feeling. She just tells you. If you want to have a rant/moan at her about your problems maybe you need to do the same and just start talking about them. Of course she Should be thinking to ask you but people don’t always act love they should and maybe she assumes because you don’t moan you don’t want to. Of course you might be like me, whilst I like the idea of having an extended moan about my problems I actually hate doing it in practice and I hate to bring it up. I can be thinking “why doesn’t anyone think to ask how I am, I have loads of stuff to complain ab

Sorry posted to soon. But basically as soon as someone asks me how I am I tell them I’m fine. And then wish I had had a good moan.

I’m so sorry to hear of what you’re going through, OP, which sounds extremely tough. YANBU to be feeling fed up with hearing about the wedding.

I wonder whether the dynamic with your sister could be a bit like what used to happen with my best friend - I don’t know whether it is, but perhaps it’s worth considering. My best friend always used to talk about things that were bothering her without asking me much about how I was doing. I assumed that she’d ask if she was interested, so I generally didn’t talk about stuff on my mind; I got the impression that she just wanted us to talk about what was on her mind. Eventually we had a conversation about it, and she said that she didn’t ask about what was on my mind/whether anything was bothering me as she didn’t like to pry. She assumed I would talk about things if I wanted to, and she had actually been feeling a bit hurt that when she opened up, I didn’t reciprocate by opening up in return. She said: “I feel as if I’m not getting anything back.” It turned out that for her, opening up about things bothering her was her way of inviting me to open up too. When I said: “As you didn’t ask about stuff, I thought you didn’t want to hear about it”, she was horrified, and said: “You must have thought I was really self-absorbed.”

I don’t know whether this is what’s happening with your sister, but whether it is or not, maybe it would be worth mentioning what a difficult time you’re going through. You say you mentioned it a few months ago; maybe it’s time to do so again.

You could also send her this classic sister meme.

She shouldn't keep going on about it when you're in a bad situation but it is hard. We moved our wedding back by a year as we went into lockdown literally right before we were due to get married and it's still looking like we wont get the day we planned. It IS hard. You plan and save for years to celebrate with all the people you know and love and then it's all gone. I still get days when I feel really low about it, like when I see pictures of my hen do or my wedding dress fitting as no one will see it in person now

I'd have run out of sympathy with her too. It's obviously very upsetting that her wedding has had to be reduced to 15 people and now postponed but everyone is facing huge disappointments because of COVID. Then there are the people like you facing eviction and job loss.

She needs to get over it now. If she really wants to have a big wedding she could wait until this is all over (who knows when that will be) or she could married now in a small ceremony and organize a proper reception later on with maybe a renewal of vows or something.
I know a lot of people round here who had massive wedding plans and they've all got married in a registry office and will have a "proper" wedding party later.

I have a tendency to be very patient with people but resentment builds and at some point I end up exploding... I'm trying to work on recognizing the signs of this earlier so that I can have an open, honest and calm conversation with the other person. If you might be the same, please talk to your sister about how you are feeling and the problems you are experiencing before it all comes out in what might be an unpleasant way and there ends up being a fall out.

Have you replied?

This is a perfect opportunity. Just say something like ‘of course I care but I am pretty busy with some urgent problems of my own to deal with right now’.

My DSis has told me off for being positive and trying to find solutions in the past however, when she just wants someone to say ‘oh poor you’. So my answer is probably totally wrong! I know how you feel though!

@MaelyssQ Thank you. I'm grateful that I haven't had it worse, no-one I love has died from covid and my business may survive. I am overdue some good luck and am eagerly looking forward to it.

very kind everyone sending me good wishes, I don't know any of you and you have taken the time out to show such kindness, I will make sure to pass it on.

Oh except for that @DickBastardly

@barregirl1 yes I get the downsides of being seen as a pillar of strength. No-one feels I need support and often people feel I have endless emotional strength.

@Spiderbaby8 she knows my situations I think she thinks I will pull through.

You sound lovely, OP. What's more, I completely take my hat off to you, as I'm dealing with similar situations to yours, and while I put on a cheerful act and never, ever, talk about it to friends (because they don't want to hear me whining, once I've said once that I'm having a tough time), I feel bloody sorry for myself when I'm at home on my own, and I find it very hard to see any positives at all.

I think I'd have to do a version of the 'grey rock', and just respond with things like: "I'm really sorry - we're both having a tough time at the moment in our very different ways, aren't we?", or "We ought to start a pity party - you about your wedding, and me about the fact that I'm soon going to be homeless".

I know you love her, but she's being unreasonable here. And I'm not just saying this because I think big weddings are horrific.

@RonaLisa I hope things get better for you soon and that also goes to anyone else who is having a difficult time right now. I like your response because it is making a point without confrontation.

Thank you, @Winto. That is very kind of you. I really notice the bits of niceness that get chucked my way in the current sea of shittiness!

(I'm also very, very bad at confrontation, i.e. never confront anyone about anything, and I realise that I'm a complete wuss compared to a lot of people on here )

Most weddings are over hyped and materialistic and far, far too expensive anyway.

Personally I think there’s never been a better time to get married. Hardly any cost, and all those people you didn’t want to invite you can now cull from the list with impunity.

If she wants to be married then she should get married. Otherwise I have 0 sympathy with anyone who wines about having to cancel an over priced party.

Tell her, she is not a mind reader. You are her capable sister, she thinks you are coping .

God no. Your need sounds far greater than hers. I’d be tempted to tell her to stop going on about it.

It is just a wedding. It’s not that big a deal and she can still get married.

Have not read many pps but I wonder if your sister knows 50,000 people have now died of Covid as of today in UK? Does she know what 50,000 means? SKY News showed what 49,000 looked like with camera panning round a foot ball stadium that had seats for 49,000 people - it's a lot - it was very shocking to see all those seats and relate them to the amount of deaths in UK (which are actually 1000 more). Does she know about the regulations and why - or does she live under a rock or is she just very stupid?

I think it is fair enough for her to be upset at downsizing her wedding and then having to postpone it but, as it happened a while ago, she needs to get over the upset. As someone else stated, there is no point wallowing. It sounds as if she is more interested in the fairytale wedding than the marriage. If she's that bothered, she could postpone indefinitely until the pandemic is over and we are back to having unlimited numbers of guests.

I think I'd run out of sympathy too.

I think you AB a bit U really. Your sister can't help you with your problems if you don't tell her about them.

Also I wonder if she is picking up on the fact that you think she's moaning about nothing? It can be more obvious than you think. And especially if it's done in a kind of unspoken way can spur the person complaining on to greater heights of complaint as they are getting the message that you don't think what they're saying is valid but you keep engaging with them.

It sounds like there's an unhealthy dynamic between you and your sister and while she may well be the driving force behind it being that way, your own bitterness is jumping off the page here so I'd expect it to be having some effect on how she is with you.

@DickBastardly

I think YABVU. You seem to think what is most important is how you think and how you feel and your sister’s reaction should come second to yours. If you don’t want to be in the wedding, then don’t be. If you do, then I really don’t know what this is about unless you saw it as an opportunity to get strangers to bitch about your sister with you.

I’m not sure what to think about your response. I’m pretty sure that the OP might feel very deflated by what you’ve callously said.

Look - what's a better example to the next generation: finding a solution to problems or drowning in the emotionality of everything.

You're in the right.

Unfortunately, weddings are the one area of life in which people are allowed to wallow in self-centred me-me-me-ness. Probably because marrying is a very respectable and decent thing to do. But, look at all the stories on MN about the angst, expense and drama all those surrounding Bridezilla get to experience. There is something unhealthy about this quest for perfection, showing off and size. The wedding is just a part of life, after all.