To help me stop wanting another baby

[Headfullofthought]

I need help and I dont know where to start. Please bear with me while I try to explain.
When I met DH we had the conversation and said 2 children would be all we need.

Well here we are, 2 beautiful children (3 and 1) best things to ever happen..but... I want a 3rd, at least I think I do.

I have this massive longing inside of me to carry another baby, I want to be pregnant, I want to give birth, and a small part of me wants another baby in the house but my DH is dead set against it and wants the snip when covid has stopped taking over our lives.

I was really Ill in my 2nd pregnancy with sickness and due to other medical problems I had to be careful when giving birth. I also have a history of depression and anxiety which rears its head every so often... normally when I am getting my period.

But my heart aches to have 1 more baby.

Financially it makes 0 sense, additional childcare, schools, due to ages we would potentially need a bigger car cause of car seats. Holidays would be a no go, at least nothing above camping (which i have no issue with per se) we wouldnt get government help and although we are just managing now a 3rd would tip us over the edge.

Also the house would be a squish but doable.

I also dont know if I can do the late nights, breast feeding, nappy changes, potty training etc. For a 3rd time. Age is not on my side. I am on the path to 40 and my husband is over 40.

Logically and financially it makes no sense for us to have another baby. I have also passed on or sold all the early baby equipment and alot of the clothes.

But I cant get this feeling in my heart and my stomach that I want to have another baby. Its causing me so much upset and my husband doesnt get it. He cant get his head round why i feel this way and honestly I cant either. I dont know what to do.

I am sat here holding my baby girl crying over something I dont have and will never have. When they are asleep and I just cuddle them I think I could do this all again.

It also pisses me off that every month I have to bleed and go through an emotional rollercoaster and it means nothing. Why can't there be a button to turn it off.

I am so grateful for what I do have. My husband is loyal and loving, and my girls make me laugh and smile every day (as well as make me hide in the cupboard with a pack of bourbons) but that feeling is still there .

Can anyone help? Can you relate and have you managed to get over it? I don't know what to do and i cant talk to my DH cause he just thinks I am badgering him to have another baby.

Well, it might be easy to look back through rose tinted spectacles at the early part of looking after a baby, but as the mother of a 10 week old it is exhausting and pretty relentless. I love my son but I miss my sleep, I miss husband and I miss having just one moment to relax.

I think you have given all the reasons to not have a third on your post. It sounds like you realise it is not a good idea.

It must be hard to see your last baby grow up. But rejoice and enjoy your babies now as they are and look forward to all the exciting things to come which would be made a the more stressful with a newborn around.

As one of three children myself, middle child syndrome is real and I hated it. My early childhood memories are clouded by feeling ignored and neglected by my mum who was insanely busy with my younger brother. I remember doing things to try and get her attention which only worked momentarily. It was lonely and to this day my younger brother appears to be her favourite.

I had this, though to a lesser extent than you, by the sounds of it.

We’d been set on 2, then after dc2 was born I could not stop thinking about another. It made zero sense, for all the reasons above that you stated, and on too dc2 was a bad sleeper, clingy, and quite a challenge so I was exhausted 2nd time around in a way that I wasn’t with dc1 - and tbh it was really tough on our marriage.

It was all very strange to feel broody whilst not massively loving it second time.

Those feelings faded by the time dc2 was 12-18 months, and gone completely by age 2. At that point we were looking at moving abroad, and I would’ve then been 40 with a 2 year old and the very thought made me feel shattered.

So we stuck at 2. And we are sooooo happy as a four. I honestly think I would’ve struggled to give more emotionally if we’d had another child. I sometimes struggle with 2 tbh. We have a nice life and a third would’ve been a strain and a compromise for us all.

Mine are 2 and 4 and I'll be 40 next month. I get these urges a lot and am insanely jealous of every pregnant person. I really enjoyed my births and the days after, being high on adrenalin and cuddling my tiny babies are some of my happiest memories. It makes me very sad that I won't do it again. But having another baby would be very selfish and would make all of our lives worse in every way.

I'm already knackered.
My 2 would have to fend for themselves a lot while in that high needs baby phase.
Now DD is at school we're saving enough on childcare that we might actually be able to have a nice holiday next year.
My inlaws are happy to have the kids so we can go out sometimes. 3 would be too much for them.
DH and I regularly take a child each and they get some individual attention.
No middle child.
They play beautifully together.
The chance of a child with additional needs is higher and increasing every day.
Crucially, DH doesn't want another baby.

It's time to count your blessings and do what's best for the family you have.

My only thing is that I wonder if I would’ve found parenting easier 3rd time, seeing as I struggled a bit 2nd time. But that has more to do with me proving myself, and my own low confidence as a mother, than genuinely wanting to add to our family.

I felt like you a few years ago. Sometimes I still do but my children are now 5.5 and 8.
I got over it with this:

1. I have two children with no additional needs therefore I am very lucky because parenting them is not super difficult (beyond the norm). I cannot guarantee that for a third child.
2. Having an extra child will not improve the lives of the children I've got. It would take attention away from them as DD enters the pre-teen years and may well need extra emotional support / support at school. My DS is quite a quiet boy and I do not think he would thrive on the chaos of a baby around.
3. I accept that I have had that biological thing that makes me forget about the bone aching exhaustion from the lack of sleep. If I think long and I hard, I did not enjoy being that tired and sometimes felt a little depressed due to lack of sleep. I don't want that again.
4. We can afford a few little extras in life with 2: a yearly holiday, extra-curricular activities, yes to an ice cream here and there. A third would compromise this.
5. My career is back on track. I didn't think I was that bothered, but I do actually enjoy the career progression I've enjoyed in the last 2-3 years and this would go backwards again should I have another baby.

So really, I am thanking my lucky stars for the children and life that I have got, and I don't want to rock the boat. That has helped me move past broodiness and it only comes back fleetingly.

I think a lot of this is hormonal and we are biologically driven to recreate, so as you're reaching 40 and your body is running out of time it sort of goes into overdrive making you broody.

You have listed lots of reasons not to have a third but the main one is your husband doesn't want to.

I have three children (ages 5, 3 and nearly one) and I can promise you that if you don't both really really want that third baby, it could well tip you over the edge. We both always wanted three and I had my third just before I turned 40. I'm incredibly lucky and I know that, but three young children is really really hard work for lots of reasons (and none of them have anything to do with needing a bigger car!). If your husband wasn't totally on board he could quickly end up resenting either you or the child, which would be horrible.

Instead of thinking, you want another baby think I would like to look after another person for the next 20+ years . I want to do another persons washing, cooking, clearing up, nursing , teaching, ferrying to & fro for years and years to come.. If this doesn't change your mind -try thinking, how will your other children feel about having an additional person in the house, who takes all your time away from them ? You say you want a baby, but the baby stage is very short in the life span of a human - you need to change you mindset to take this into consideration. I completely understand the feelings you are having for wanting another 'baby' but it's not a 'baby' for very long .

I have a 22 month old and a fifteen week old and I feel exactly like you. Also, just as with your situation, my husband wants to stop at two.

I absolutely love being a mum. I am at home with them full time and, although it can be hard, I love it. I am breastfeeding and not getting much sleep but I still love it!

We will stop at two because, even if we had another, I know I'd want to keep going anyway. I always wanted five children but, sadly, I didn't meet my husband until 36. We married at 40 and I am now 43. It would be too risky. We have two healthy children and I couldn't take a risk which would have consequences for their lives if it went wrong.

If I was five years younger, we'd definitely go for it.
It just depends on your circumstances.

Your husband doesn’t want another and you can’t afford it by what you’ve said. You just need to accept reality and enjoy the two children you do have. Sorry to be blunt but there’s not really much to be said.

I have a 6 and a 3 year old, and would love another. It makes no sense practically, financially, my body wouldn't take it, we haven't the space etc.

Everything is made for families of 4, cars, holidays, hotel rooms, family tickets and so on.

The thing that made us stop was when my DH asked this question. ' If we have a third, would you want a forth?'

It was that that made me realise I'll always want another because it's hormones talking.

Honestly, I've been where you are and that feeling does fade over time, or at least it did for me.

I spent years longing for another baby, but DH absolutely did not. Eventually, it wore off, and I remembered how exhausting the baby and toddler years are. I actually had a pregnancy scare over the summer - and thanked god I wasn't, because I couldn't face doing it again.

I do occasionally have a pang still - when I see a baby, or a mum walking with a toddler - but it's not a pang of wanting another child. It's more a momentary wish to have that time back again with my own two.

Plus every time I spend time with my friends who have 3 or 4, I think "yep, I was right, that really is too much like hard work!"

I felt like you. Had 2 close together, said stop at 2, had urges to go for a 3rd
We didn’t and I’m glad we didn’t. That was 10 years ago and I’m glad we didn’t! I think it was the approaching 40, now or never, kind of feelings that it was last chance saloon and all that
Going for a 3 ( for me) would have been a mistake

Anyone who is feeling broody is more than welcome to take my DS 15 for a week.

That will change your mind.

Bear in mind what my son said: two children are not enough and three is too many.
I would have loved to have more children but for us it was 2 or 4. We are both the middle of 3 and would never inflict that position on a child of our’s.
Why not concentrate on the next stage of your life? How do you plan to progress your career? What hobbies can you develop? Looking after babies is a wonderful stage in life, but only a stage. You can’t keep extending and repeating it.

Thank you everyone who has taken time to reply your insights, thoughts and personal experiences have been really helpful.

I am trying to pin point why I have such a strong feeling (and not just hormones) and I am wondering if it's because I feel I missed the early stages with my 2nd.

When she was born we were having work done on the house. It should have been finished but it wasnt. So I spent the first few weeks managing that and my 2 girls. Then I had a few months or normality before covid hit and everything changed again. I was at home which was lovely but the stress of being inside with both children with only my mum and husband was hard and the whole year seems to have vanished. I regret not taking more photos of my 2nd and I never got those perfect first pictures with either of my girls... mainly cause I am not photogenic and my husband doesnt think of taking a picture unless I ask.

I feel like I have missed out when I know I havent. I also loved growing the baby and giving birth is truly insane and magical.

My husband view is the most important and he doesnt want another and I will respect that. He said if we had a accident before the snip then that's one thing but he wont actively try and wants to take precautions.

I was the youngest and only girl so I dont know what it's like to be a middle child or only one of 2. My husband had only his brother until he was nearly finished primary school when he got another brother. So for him 2 is a good number (although he does get on with his brother)

It doesnt help that I go back to work soon and although I am looking forward to it. Its like the end and Into a new beginning and I hate change. I need to focus on my 2 girls and my husband and know that this is all I need.

Thank you again everyone I really appreciate your time

I was the same and what helped in the end was yo view it as just biology. We are designed to want to reproduce in the same way that we want to eat. It’s innate. Birds will build their nests in spring and lay their eggs, cats will mate and reproduce multiple times a year until they die. It’s just biology.

I was exactly the same, but we stopped at 2. Now they are both teens I am pleased we did.

Babies and young children are cheap as they get older they are not. We go out for dinner and it's now 4 adults meals, 4 mobile phones to pay for each month. We had to buy another laptop in lockdown (they shared one before) but they needed one each for school work. Soon it will be 2 lots of driving lessons and then 2 at uni.

As PP said above, it’s biology. I would love another, husband wouldn’t. if I had another It wouldn’t make the broody feelings go away, they’d just come back after number 3! So sticking at 2 for a much easier life.

I can relate.
Seeing that I didn't want any at the beginning our relationship and had two which us what dh wanted right from the beginning.
When Ds2 was about 2 I desperately wanted another so much it hurt. Like you it made zero sense financially as our business was going through a tough time and ultimately didn't survive.
I remvuvidly walking into Tesco one day and it was all I could think about. Eventually the feelings faded. Looking back I'm glad I stopped at two for many reasons.

Massive typo before the word Tesco. It should read " remember vividly"

I am trying to pin point why I have such a strong feeling (and not just hormones) and I am wondering if it's because I feel I missed the early stages with my 2nd.
Maybe it's one of those things some women feel. I had an easy time with both children on the whole but felt same as you. Its a common enough feeling. My friends had the same.

I was exactly the same. We always agreed on two DC, had them two years apart and then from the moment DC2 was born it felt like I was mourning the passing of time...this was the last time I'd hold my own newborn, the last breastfeed, the last onesie, the last maternity leave etc etc. All I can say is that the feeling did pass with time and now they're older I'm glad we didn't go for a third, for all the reasons that have already been mentioned.

The most crucial factor for me in accepting the decision to stick at two was that having a third would put compromises and restrictions on the two lovely DC I already had. We'd have less time, less money, less patience and they didn't need another sibling. I had to put my own feelings aside and put my two children and the needs and wants of my DH first.

If you look up: they said to me dot com and maternity then screwed dot com this might discourage you?

I know exactly how you feel OP - I was longing so badly for a third baby. The thought of never growing a baby inside me again, never having a bump, never feeling those wonderful kicks, never breastfeeding again... it killed me.

My husband knew how I felt but he also knew that he was done so I never pushed it. I had this longing in me that maybe he would change his mind but the hope was just as damaging because it meant I could never let go of urges I had. I admit that I also got tearful over it at times.

One day I received a text from him saying:

“Guess what I’m having done next week”
Me: “What?”
(He then sent me an emoticon of a pair of scissors)
Me: Are got having a hair cut?
Him: “Nope, I’m getting the snip.”

I felt crushed.

I had always asked him that if he is so adamant he didn’t have another baby then why didn’t he just go and get a vasectomy?! I guess I was trying to call his bluff.

When he told me I was very upset. My first thoughts were, “I’ve only got a week to either get him to change his mind or get pregnant.”

Anyhow - he had it done and actually, it was the only thing that caused me to move on from the idea of having another baby. I knew it wasn’t an option anymore so I had no choice but to let go of the hope I had been carrying with me, which in turn meant that I could accept that there wasn’t going to be another baby no matter how much I wanted it and so I had to just put my longings behind me and move forwards.

It’s been about a year now since he had the procedure done and I genuinely have put all those emotions behind me.

When I used to see pregnant women I would feel so jealous of them, I would feel tearful talking to them about it and try desperately to hide it.

Now, when I see pregnant women I feel happy for them, I enjoy talking about their pregnancy with them, I reflect back fondly on my own experiences, but that’s where it ends. I no longer feel pain that they’re going through something that 12 months ago I so desperately wanted.

Everyone is different - but in my case, my husband getting his vasectomy was the best thing to happen to us because it allowed me move on and let go of my upset and turmoil, and I genuinely don’t think I could have done that if I had always held the hope that one day he’d change his mind and I would get the baby I so much wanted.

It helped me put those difficult feelings behind me and helped me focus on the wonderful life I already had with our two amazing existing children.

I can't really help but wanted to share that I feel EXACTLY the same. I absolutely know it would be a bad idea, but my heart wants another. And I've got 3!! My husband doesn't really get it either and wants the snip. Practically I know it's ridiculous to even think about it but my body doesn't seem to agree! I'm hoping it will pass eventually. X