To help me stop wanting another baby

[Headfullofthought]

I need help and I dont know where to start. Please bear with me while I try to explain.
When I met DH we had the conversation and said 2 children would be all we need.

Well here we are, 2 beautiful children (3 and 1) best things to ever happen..but... I want a 3rd, at least I think I do.

I have this massive longing inside of me to carry another baby, I want to be pregnant, I want to give birth, and a small part of me wants another baby in the house but my DH is dead set against it and wants the snip when covid has stopped taking over our lives.

I was really Ill in my 2nd pregnancy with sickness and due to other medical problems I had to be careful when giving birth. I also have a history of depression and anxiety which rears its head every so often... normally when I am getting my period.

But my heart aches to have 1 more baby.

Financially it makes 0 sense, additional childcare, schools, due to ages we would potentially need a bigger car cause of car seats. Holidays would be a no go, at least nothing above camping (which i have no issue with per se) we wouldnt get government help and although we are just managing now a 3rd would tip us over the edge.

Also the house would be a squish but doable.

I also dont know if I can do the late nights, breast feeding, nappy changes, potty training etc. For a 3rd time. Age is not on my side. I am on the path to 40 and my husband is over 40.

Logically and financially it makes no sense for us to have another baby. I have also passed on or sold all the early baby equipment and alot of the clothes.

But I cant get this feeling in my heart and my stomach that I want to have another baby. Its causing me so much upset and my husband doesnt get it. He cant get his head round why i feel this way and honestly I cant either. I dont know what to do.

I am sat here holding my baby girl crying over something I dont have and will never have. When they are asleep and I just cuddle them I think I could do this all again.

It also pisses me off that every month I have to bleed and go through an emotional rollercoaster and it means nothing. Why can't there be a button to turn it off.

I am so grateful for what I do have. My husband is loyal and loving, and my girls make me laugh and smile every day (as well as make me hide in the cupboard with a pack of bourbons) but that feeling is still there .

Can anyone help? Can you relate and have you managed to get over it? I don't know what to do and i cant talk to my DH cause he just thinks I am badgering him to have another baby.

Just get pregnant without telling your husband, he'll deal with it.
That's appalling advice.

Are you wanting another child or just want to experience the lovely pregnancy/newborn stage again? I have rose tinted glasses too. The reality was that I was exhausted. I had twins. I had no freedom to do anything. But I remember the quiet cuddles and lullabies and adorable, tiny clothes.
The stage is over so quickly though. Then you have a sassy, independent human being on your hands and you start craving the newborn stage again.

Well I hate to say it but my dc are 7 and 10 and I’m still not over not having a third. It’s turned me into a bitter, jealous, sad woman and I hate myself for it. It’s probably not helped by the fact I’m still in my mid-thirties so it’s still technically possible to have another one. Maybe I’ll feel better once I’m a bit older and know it’s much less likely to happen? It’s not helped by the fact that dc 1 and 2 keep begging for a younger sibling.

I got this in my early 40s. I had one adult daughter then, no real desire for another. But.. I was super broody.

I had one pregnancy scare when I was newly with my bloke. He'd sworn he'd had a vasectomy, but still. I was horrified. My life was set. I was just starting to drag myself out of poverty.

It shocked me out of broodiness. I knew I'd nearly list everything.

11 years later, I have a grandson I adore and a great life. I wouldn't have had that if I'd had the baby I craved.

No advice but solidarity. Mine are 5 and 2 years old and I'm yet to get rid of the baby clothes and equipment because it genuinely feels gut-wrenching to do so. Feels mad saying that, but I'm on the verge of crying when I face the fact we're not having a third. Damn hormones!

Not helped by my current children asking for another sibling everytime one of their friends' mums pops one out.

I know this feeling will fade with time but you're definitely not alone in feeling this way.

We wanted a third, then we decided against it because it would hold us back a lot. We got pregnant, I was pretty terrified but it's been fine. I had no health issues at all though, if I did I would not have risked it. She is the light of my life, but she does definitely hold us back a bit, which can sometimes be hard as I was 40 when she was born. In your shoes, I would not do it, but I totally understand the longing. I still want more babies in the totally irrational part of my brain.

@GladAllOver sorry you don't agree but she should

I'd always wanted three, and while I did have broody moments when my second was little, I'm glad now that we stopped at two. Mine are 6 and 9 now and its just so SO good to be out of the baby & toddler phase. I also struggle with mostly manageable depressoon and anxiety and I definitely feel that two was the right number for me. I did have the advantage of time though. I was 34 when our second was born so didn't feel under pressure to chose, but I've ended up being very two and through . Not saying it would necessarily play out like that for you though!

You are not unreasonable to feel this way, it’s basic biology. It’s a kind of head vs heart thing. I always knew I would only have one, as I have 3 lovely step children who needed our financial and emotional support at the time I was ready to have babies. One in nappies, 3 in University and me on a reduced wage was tough and another child would have made it impossible. But still I yearned for another baby. (I still do occasionally but I think that’s menopause induced desperation!)
I have a fabulous relationship with my son, all the step children have good careers, partners and even children of their own. We gave them the best start we could. I know it was the right thing to do. But, there will always be a little part of me that thinks what if? I guess it’s human nature.
Good luck op, whatever you decide.

Oh, and anyone who thinks getting pregnant specifically against a man’s wishes is good advice needs to give their head a wobble. You risk a totally break down of trust, him failing to bond with the child he didn’t want, resenting every financial stress and strain and possibly damaging the relationship he has with the existing children.
We are talking about a life long commitment to a human being, not buying curtains ffs

You need to remember the bigger picture, the impact it will have on the others particularly as you mention no government assistance for a third so I assume that means you currently do. I’d focus on improving the finances for the other two.

What happens if a third pregnancy isn’t enough and you want the baby stage again?

As an adult I wish mine had stopped and thought about what was best for the existing children rather than their own wants.

Thank you again for the replies.

Rest assured I will not be getting myself pregnant and hoping DH deals with it. It has to be a mutual decision unless that decision is taken out of both of our hands.

The points people have raised for not having a 3rd are pretty much what my dh is saying and I know I need to respect that.

After reading what everyone has been saying it is helping me to find closure and that having a 3rd, as wonderful as being able to grow a baby and experience the magical birthing process that the reality after that isnt right for me or my family.

In reply to the PP re finances. When I mean the government money I referred to the child allowance which stops after 2 children. I cant afford to not work but the small bit of help the government gives helps towards the small amount of nursery that I do need to allow me to work.

Baby 2 is going to nursery soon and looking at our finances I realised that for the next year or 2 things will be a bit tighter but having 2 of the same sex means I can save money in relation to clothes, and of course they will share toys too.

I really wish my circumstances were different to allow us to expand our family and I think coming from a very big family tree makes me want it more than my DH whose family tree doesnt even equate to a quarter of mine. But I respect and love him too much to push the matter further.

A couple of people have made comments that really hit home like desiring just the pregnancy and birth bit, focussing on what's next and not lasts, putting my energy and what I can give to my 2 girls.

So many of you have been able to put my feelings into words and I can only thank you for that and helping me to understand why I feel like I do so I can deal with it.

You sound really rational (not like the person who suggested you get pregnant behind your husbands back) and like you know you are making the right decision for you.

Just in case anyone is reading who is in my boat, if it's child benefit you're talking about, it doesn't stop at two children. I think you get less for the third but we definitely get it for ours and had it backdated because I didn't realise we could claim. Neither of us earn over the threshold though. I just thought I'd point that out because most people don't seem to know about it.

When you say 1, do you mean 13 months or more like 22 months? I had this until my youngest hit 18m, which is how old my first was when I got pregnant with my second. It's gradually reduced, and now we're not too far off DC2 turning 2 I am so glad we are done. I think when you're in the thick of it it's so much easier to think about another, but now I'm thinking about the potential of no more nappies and getting rid of the cot, I have this huge sense of freedom. Sept '23 is when DC2 will start school, I would HATE for it to be 2026 before I get any time to myself again!! Sometimes there are just too many ticks in the no column.

@Headfullofthought I wonder if you are just 'grieving' or in the acceptance process of closing a chapter of your life. You've had your last baby - last feed, last first steps etc and I think for many that is hard even if they are ready to close the chapter.

Your dc are very young. Enjoy it because they are still those babies you crave.

It sounds from your OP (as you seem to have realised) as if this is more about wanting to relive the experience of pregnancy and birth than the realities of another baby, which alone would give me pause. If your mental state fluctuates with your cycle, I would be wondering about the role of hormones in this, too.

FWIW, I have three, am definitely done, and still think 'you lucky thing' when I see a pregnant woman. I liked being pregnant and there are many ways in which it's a state with a powerful appeal.

CatteStreet hormones are a huge factor for me in my broodiness. I dread the week or so before my period, I feel more broody then than when I ovulate (bizarrely!) and the anxiety and sleepless nights are draining. I am going to research some supplements to try to balance things out.
I think the decision to have more children must simply come down to a choice between heart and head for most. Certainly with my first it was a heart decision entirely. My second was more a combination- strong heart feeling but also my head saying how nice a sibling would be for our family and knowing we would manage having done it all before, and if there were any SN with a second child that somehow felt manageable with having just one other. But for me, despite the heart feelings for a third, the head keeps over ruling. I feel like the added benefit vs the possible risk this time means head wins and we stop at two.

I console myself partly by knowing that with my age, fertility and miscarriage history a 3rd isn't guaranteed in any case. It would be a case of just trying once for us as we wouldn't be trying naturally but instead doing a frozen embryo cycle with an embryo frozen years ago.
I have been through the wringer with all this for about 18mths now myself and have to draw a line and move on, for my sake and my families and the anxiety and distraction over it all is debilitating at times.

I have a tendency to ruminate and dwell and over play things and it's not healthy. In my two children I have way more than I ever dreamt I would have ar one point and I want to focus and enjoy them.

Headfullofthought I totally identify with what you say and feel and I want your username!! :) Mine are older than yours and I adore the pre school stage personally so do soak it up while you can with yours.

I must say that I envy those who feel done with certainty whatever number they're at when they get that feeling!

I do think there is an element of grieving or feeling the door is closing.

I am done, I absolutely do not want to be pregnant of have another child ever again. But my youngest turns one next week and I am really emotional about it. Getting rid of the Moses basket and the teeny clothes and all that is actually really sad for me this time and I never expected it. It has nothing to do with wanting another baby, it's just nostalgia I suppose and the feeling that this chapter is coming to an end.

I think lots of people feel that way and mistake it for broodiness, but I also think it is certainly hormonal. You almost never hear about men feeling this way, but it's a really common thing to post about on Mumsnet and I do think some of it is rooted in female biological imperatives to reproduce.

I'm guessing that what also may be going on here is a sadness about the fact that pregnancy hasn't been a straightforward thing for you. I've had a number of miscarriages myself and wonder whether the feelings around your period are a sort of reprise of all that - the emotions around a period when pregnancy doesn#t come easily. Perhaps this is in fact precisely about being 'done', in a way - you've got through this time of your life and the emotions it was perhaps too difficult to feel during the process of trying for and having your children are 'safe' to come to the fore? Speculating wildly, of course, but that may also be part of it.

A positive pregnancy test for me now would knock me and our family for six, and I would have to seriously consider termination, but it would still thrill me to see those two lines. I think where pregnancy has been a struggle in some way, there is something powerful bound up with the experience (and above all the idea of it).

@CatteStreet
Completely agree. I'm always half hoping to be pregnant, for my P no to arrive and to see those two lines. When actually I don't want to be there again and I wouldn't be happy. It's something I wanted so desperately for so long while TTC that it's now sort of ingrained.

We had the 3rd baby. It has been incredibly hard. We are all madly in love with him but I really underestimated the impact it would have on me, DH and my older DCs and, if I could turn the clock back, I'm not sure what I would do. For someone who adores motherhood and cannot relate in any way to those 'I wish I hadn't had children' threads, that's a huge thing for to write.

And then, all that said... he is now coming out of the baby stage and there is part of me, part of DH and part of the kids (they ask!) that wants a 4th. We won't; DH and I are letting our heads lead this one; but I guess it's just to say that, if you enjoy the baby and toddler years, then it's always hard to let go of them, and hormones are very difficult indeed - I can really relate to that.

I totally empathise. I am in my mid 40s, have very young children, and though I’m older conceived easily and had no real issues with pregnancy or birth. I love love love being Pregnant, I love the moment your child is put in your arms the first time. I found the early months much easier second time (realistic expectations) and I adore crazy exhausting hilarious todflerdom. Financially it would be a disaster to have another but god I long for it.

The way I try to deal with that feeling is to tell myself it probably wouldn’t go away even with another one. I’d still - I bet - have that yearning to be pregnant, to have a newborn...I think it’s biological, though some women appear to get it more strongly. I don’t think having another would suddenly make me go oooh yeah definitely done - I’d still have to make this hard, active decision that it wasn’t right for everyone else in the family, but we’d just be that much more worse off, financially. I Think, in other words, you may need to just come to terms with that feeling as one that you have, if you see what I mean, and one that you just have to park? Does it help to think of it like that?

A positive pregnancy test for me now would knock me and our family for six, and I would have to seriously consider termination, but it would still thrill me to see those two lines. I think where pregnancy has been a struggle in some way, there is something powerful bound up with the experience (and above all the idea of it).

I empathise with all of this. A third baby would throw every plan we as a family have up in the air and kibosh the freedom and creativity I am currently enjoying as my youngest gets older, and yet there's still a part of me that would be super excited. I actually conceived unexpectedly in extremely unlikely circumstances (and with an IUD in) before DH had his vasectomy and I was very conflicted indeed, but in many ways I did want the pregnancy to be viable (it didn't stick).

CatteStreet and mistermagpie
Both of your most recent posts are so apt, for me at least. Thank you.

LostInMoab thank you too for sharing. I hope things continue to improve for you as a family of 5.

Read what you wrote and you will see there is no reason to have a third. You only write negative things. It seems it would have a negative impact on your family life and financially (no holidays, needing bigger house and car). Your health does not seem great from what you say.

If there were some positives I would say to think about it more or talk with your partner.

We spent years debating if we should have a third. But I had time on my side. Had my first two before I was 30. After a few years went by I felt like you, wanted to be pregnant etc. But wasn’t sure how it would impact the family. I worried if it would be a mistake. By the time I hit 35 I was still debating internally. I decided to get a dog. I thought that would put an end to my thoughts of a third. I had to convince my dh to get the dog. Well, we got her and she is the best dog you could get. We absolutely adore her. She is a joy to the family. But after a year, my yearning for a third did not go away. My dh agreed to try and we went for it. However, financially we are comfortable to add a third (extra room in the house). Never owned a car so didn’t need to think about that. We can still provide the same for our kids after having a third dc (holidays and sports). Our third is almost 1 now and she has been a joy to the family. No doubt about it. However, if it would impact us financially and we would be tight on space and not able to provide the same activities for our kids (tennis, football, ballet, monkey music for the baby etc). Then I would not have gone for it.

Enjoy the little ones you have. Some people have a stronger drive to have more kids (hormonal drove) and it’s harder to let go. Now I had a third, I think about a 4th! But I think it’s just that hormonal drive. I wish I was like some friends I have who are done and like no way for more kids. But I do realise it’s probably for best to be done now. I’m now getting closer to 40 and can definitely feel my age.