To help me stop wanting another baby

[Headfullofthought]

I need help and I dont know where to start. Please bear with me while I try to explain.
When I met DH we had the conversation and said 2 children would be all we need.

Well here we are, 2 beautiful children (3 and 1) best things to ever happen..but... I want a 3rd, at least I think I do.

I have this massive longing inside of me to carry another baby, I want to be pregnant, I want to give birth, and a small part of me wants another baby in the house but my DH is dead set against it and wants the snip when covid has stopped taking over our lives.

I was really Ill in my 2nd pregnancy with sickness and due to other medical problems I had to be careful when giving birth. I also have a history of depression and anxiety which rears its head every so often... normally when I am getting my period.

But my heart aches to have 1 more baby.

Financially it makes 0 sense, additional childcare, schools, due to ages we would potentially need a bigger car cause of car seats. Holidays would be a no go, at least nothing above camping (which i have no issue with per se) we wouldnt get government help and although we are just managing now a 3rd would tip us over the edge.

Also the house would be a squish but doable.

I also dont know if I can do the late nights, breast feeding, nappy changes, potty training etc. For a 3rd time. Age is not on my side. I am on the path to 40 and my husband is over 40.

Logically and financially it makes no sense for us to have another baby. I have also passed on or sold all the early baby equipment and alot of the clothes.

But I cant get this feeling in my heart and my stomach that I want to have another baby. Its causing me so much upset and my husband doesnt get it. He cant get his head round why i feel this way and honestly I cant either. I dont know what to do.

I am sat here holding my baby girl crying over something I dont have and will never have. When they are asleep and I just cuddle them I think I could do this all again.

It also pisses me off that every month I have to bleed and go through an emotional rollercoaster and it means nothing. Why can't there be a button to turn it off.

I am so grateful for what I do have. My husband is loyal and loving, and my girls make me laugh and smile every day (as well as make me hide in the cupboard with a pack of bourbons) but that feeling is still there .

Can anyone help? Can you relate and have you managed to get over it? I don't know what to do and i cant talk to my DH cause he just thinks I am badgering him to have another baby.

then from the moment DC2 was born it felt like I was mourning the passing of time...this was the last time I'd hold my own newborn, the last breastfeed, the last onesie, the last maternity leave etc etc.

Oh this is exactly like me!

I do occasionally have a pang still - when I see a baby, or a mum walking with a toddler - but it's not a pang of wanting another child. It's more a momentary wish to have that time back again with my own two.

I really think this could be it, particularly after reading your update. It’s less to do with actually wanting another baby, and more to do with wanting the time with your older children back.

I can sort of relate - I returned from maternity leave with my first in July and had a very strong urge to start trying again right away, despite the fact we had decided we wanted a reasonably large age gap for financial reasons. But then I realised that it wasn’t anything to do with wanting another baby right away, it was about mourning the first year of my son’s life, in particular the bits we ‘missed’ because of Covid.

You’re obviously well aware of all the practical considerations but I also agree with the poster who said it’s best not to think of it as another baby, but to remember to think of it as another toddler, another child, another tween, another teenager, another young adult etc.

I hope you can make your peace with it.

I'm 48 and I am here to tell you that it does go away!
Thank God!
I was really dreading being in my 50s and still wanting babies. I think it helps when you reach that age where you really are well and truly out of the club. I know, there is the very odd woman who does have a baby at 46, for example. But this is so unusual. I found the late 30s/early 40s hard because you're still in that 'zone' and you're still of that number of women who can and do have babies.
I see pregnant women all the time and I never get that little stab in the heart I used to get. Pregnancy belongs to them now. It has become their world, their thing. I'm in a different place now. And the kids getting older and out of that baby/toddler phase really helps. My eldest is 18, almost 19. My youngest is 6 (so I did squeeze one out before the gates shut!).

Time really does take care of that yearning. And I hate to say it, but as our oestrogen drops, so does that biological urge to have babies. But it's very hard when you're still in your 30s and you're surrounded by friends and acqaintances who are pregnant. You also have very young children, OP, so you're still 'in the game' and 'in the club'. Most of my friends have teens, so that- and my age- has helped move me into a different zone... a more peaceful one.

I've no advice really other than 'time is your ally'. But unfortunately, time takes time! A dog really helped me! We got our dog when our youngest was one and this really closed the circle for me, got me over any residual broodiness. But again, that's something you'd have to want to commit to with your DH's agreement. A kitten helps too! Believe me. We added 2 cats and the dog since our youngest's birth several years ago.

As a previous poster has said, it really does sound like what you're mourning is the end of the phase, and perhaps that it didnt go
all the way that you imagined it given your latest post but can you honestly say it'll
have been enough if you did have the perfect baby time you'd imagined? its a phase that has to end and can't keep being repeated. you can extend it if you have another child but then what?
i remember feeling some of what youve described after my second child - i had them 18 months apart so i always felt neither of them got the best of me - and i had a couple of miscarriages in the years after that, and after the miscarriage at age 42 i then truly put it all past me, plus i felt the family felt fully formed. but then last year at age 44 I found myself pregnant. it was a huge shock and i worried the whole way through about the risks. my daughter was born in July and she is perfect and beautiful and has made some sense of this absolute bin-fire of a year. i turned 45 last month with a 3-month-old. in a pandemic. i don't know how i'm managing it. But the moral of my story isnt "you never know you might have a nice late surprise". Rather: at age 45 and with a newborn and all that comes with it, i STILL have that niggle of "ooh, what if..." and i can't say i wouldnt have that thrill of delight if i was pregnant again. so even in my circumstances where by any sensible measure i am DONE, that feeling doesnt quite go away, and we all need to find a way to deal with it in our own ways.

Oh and one more thing, do not focus on 'lasts'. When your mind goes there, switch the word 'last' to 'next'. Your baby does have one last feed on the breast and all of that. But there are so many next phases and steps, so much to look forward to! Our lives with our children is one hell of an amazing journey. It just gets better and better. You don't miss the baby/toddler phase nearly as much as you think you will. Try not to live in mourning. It's hard not to. We all share that feeling of grief; knowing that the sweetness and the pure joy of those early years is so very fleeting. But it is an absolutely awesome experience watching our children grow, evolve, unfold, and become more of who they are. Hang onto that.

I wish I could help. But honestly I feel the same , we only have 1 child but financially it would be a struggle with another child , plus no room in our home , cant afford to buy a bigger place .

Oh I'm reading this thread with interest after posting my own similar on the larger families section yesterday called - 'Irrational worry about 'rolling the dice' again - did anyone else have this?'

There are some specifics in my case - my age, the fact we would he trying using frozen embryos from years ago, previous fertility issues and pregnancy losses, my huge anxiety about the whole thing and the fact that my indecision has persisted for over 18mths. My husband was against initially and then came around because it seemed to be what I want. But every month I lose sleep over it and bite my nails to nothing, feel anxious, over play both scenarios in my head. It's exhausting! Hormones are definitely a factor and I've struggled and still struggle with low mood and anxiety at times. My kids are older than yours and I have two also. I worry that a new baby now would take away more from them than it would give and would be something we do mainly for me. But I so miss them being small and wish for those days back. The arrival of 3 new babies in our wider family over the past 18mths has not helped these feelings (luckily in some ways we all live quite far away from each other).
I think it's a natural feeling to want more and many in their late 30s and early 40s report it (I'm early 40s) and I'm sure lots of us wonder what our fantasy extra child would be like. I also see enough families who seemingly had none of these worries - or got over them - and happily have 3,4,5 or more children.
I hope you find peace with your decision whatever that is and I hope the same for myself.
Do check out my full thread - would be interested in your thoughts.

I felt like this after having dd. Then as she got older I resigned myself to just having the one. Then I fell pregnant unexpectedly in April and was panicking about a second. I lost that baby in may and I felt a weird mixture of relief and sadness. I am now 14 weeks pregnant again and even though I was unsure of a second I am over the moon and can't wait.

However I know that I only want 2. But no doubt as this one gets older I will want another one but I will be far too old for a 3rd. As I will be 36 when this one is born.

@TheVanguardSix that’s a lovely way of putting it, focusing on the nexts.

Yes as mad as it is I want to be pregnant again, to feel excited and looked after and all the adrenaline of going to the hospital and giving birth. And the thrill of the newborn, their adorable tiny face and body.

But it's bloody hard work after that. They grow VERY quickly. Bring on the tantrums, all the chores that go with it, years of running around after them, not being able to live your own life.

It's really hard.

Also once they're teenagers and having to help with looking over all the school work, help with important course work, pay for tutors (probably), offer emotional advice. I don't know how I'll get through it with 2 let alone 3. Much as I'd love another it's just not sensible.
I want my two to have the best start possible. I'd be too stretched to provide that for 3.

I think it's trying to remember they don't stay babies for long, it's for the next 18yrs and beyond. My DH is 44 and is dead against anymore, we have 2, because I know he worries about his health as his dad died when he was at university so that's his ultimate fear, he wouldn't want to put his own child through that. My youngest is due to start secondary in a year so I feel I can reclaim some sort of career and then we'll be looking at uni costs for our eldest when she reaches that stage. Obviously childhood is much longer than it used to be with kids living at home for longer, so your financial responsibility as a parent also stretches on for longer. Sometimes I want another but then I'd be at square one again in terms of career progression and starting school runs all over again, and you can't just take whatever holiday you want, my kids don't want to hang around soft play anymore.

And then remembering being woken every hour by a baby, the constant crying for literally no reason... mastitis 😭 I'd take a period anyday over that

It's annoying being a woman and having those now or nothing broody feelings though

I can echo what ThornAmongstRoses said - I have one DS and always wanted at least 2 children. DH however felt very strongly that he didn't want any more and decided to get a vasectomy earlier this year. I was devastated, we'd always talked about having two, and even though I could agree with all the 'head' reasons for sticking at one, I felt that physical pull and the 'heart reasons for having another felt so strong.

But I knew I could not force him to have a child he didn't want. He is a brilliant dad and husband and I had no desire to break up the family and all the effects that would have on my existing child for the possibility of a theoretical second child in a theoretical new relationship.

It has actually helped immensely with him getting the vasectomy. I can put the idea of another child to rest without thinking constantly of the 'what ifs'. What if I could change his mind, what if we had a contraception failure etc.

Although I do wish same as OP that there was an easy way of stopping my periods as well, they seem so pointless now!

I was the same as you - desperately wanted a 3rd but when I wrote down all the for and against points, the only for point that I could honestly list is that I wanted one. Lots of against points though- as you’ve listed above.

We decided not to go for it in the end as we decided that it would have a big impact on our 2 existing children for the rest of their lives. We even took into consideration how much they (hopefully) inherit at the end of our lives.

It was a difficult decision but a few years on I’m completely happy that we made the right choice.

Good luck in whatever you decide though. It’s a difficult decision to make.

@Pepperwand

I was exactly the same. We always agreed on two DC, had them two years apart and then from the moment DC2 was born it felt like I was mourning the passing of time...this was the last time I'd hold my own newborn, the last breastfeed, the last onesie, the last maternity leave etc etc. All I can say is that the feeling did pass with time and now they're older I'm glad we didn't go for a third, for all the reasons that have already been mentioned.

The most crucial factor for me in accepting the decision to stick at two was that having a third would put compromises and restrictions on the two lovely DC I already had. We'd have less time, less money, less patience and they didn't need another sibling. I had to put my own feelings aside and put my two children and the needs and wants of my DH first.

Absolutely on the money. My children didn’t need another sibling. It was me that wanted to be pregnant. I didn’t even have the urge for a baby, just a pregnancy.

I also agree with moving onto the next stage and pregnancy/babies being for other people. I genuinely enjoy chatting to pregnant women now whereas three years ago I’d have probably cried.

The whole thread, and my own similar in another section, make me wonder how those who have more than two decide that it's best for them and their existing kids. I don't mean that in a judgemental way, just as a logical next question from a lot of the comments here, and my own thinking. I won't dare ask on the larger families thread though as it will probably come across as rude!

I get that there will be those in new relationships, unplanned pregnancies and multiples. But are we basically saying that anyone who has more than 2 children is doing it for their (and their partner's) own need for another baby / child? Whereas having a sibling for an existing (only) child is seen as a benefit to the existing child.

I think your journey to having your children has a bearing on your overall family (sounds obvious but I mean sometimes hardships and losses drive people on to have more children and other times loss, additional needs, fertility issues, prematurity etc mean you can't face going through it all again...).

And I think the size of your own sibling grouping, and your partner's, has a bearing but it works both ways - some had big families and want to recreate them, some felt lost in a sea if siblings and want a smaller number, some were happy only children and others lonely and hated it.

I also think the gender mix is a factor for some and they contine until they get what they want.

We can probably over analyse it all though and for most it comes down to a clear choice between heart and head (finances and health etc).

Our DC are so happy with their new sibling.

I really wouldn’t have wanted a dog.

The whole thread, and my own similar in another section, make me wonder how those who have more than two decide that it's best for them and their existing kids.
I have four siblings. I asked my parents several times why they had so many children, because they made it clear that they resented our existence once we started growing up, and they were dead against us having children. They blamed the church, the state and each other. "Your mother wouldn't use contraception!" "Well, your father liked little babies, and we had inherited a big house."
When I asked my father why it was all right for him to have five kids but not for us to have any, he said there was no overpopulation back then.
Having kids looks to me like a serious drug addiction; it costs a fortune, takes its toll on your body and changes your life completely. And once the first high is over, you have to have another child to get it back, and then another, even if you violently dislike the ones you already have.

I felt like this for a while when my second was a baby.

Honestly, I think a lot of it is just hormones. I am convinced that having a small baby makes you weirdly broody. I struggled a lot with my first baby and wasn't even ready to try for a 2nd until he was 2, and then I found myself thinking about a 3rd, which I knew in all rational senses was nuts, not least because like yours my DH was dead against. He had a vasectomy booked which he ended up cancelling the night before when DC2 was about 8 months because I just wasn't quite ready to say never again yet. Also the home birth I wanted for DC2 turned into a highly medicalised early induction, so there was a part of me that wanted another shot at getting the birth I wanted. I also think there's a big mortality and meaning piece for us as women. Saying that the childbearing part of your life is over and gone... That's a big thing. In some ways the possibility of another baby helps us hold back the idea of death and ageing, and when you accept those days are over for you it can feel like there's nothing meaningful between you and the end of your life any more.

DH actually did have that vasectomy about 5 months ago and by then I was OK with it. I accept that another baby would overwhelm us, stress our marriage, inflict further damage on our finances, my body and my career. Also as we get out of the baby stage (DC2 is rounding on 3 in the new year) I get back more and more of the me pre-kids. I'm studying something I really enjoy. I've begun writing again, something I haven't had the urge or time to do since I had DC1. I've also accepted that having a feeling doesn't mean that I have to act on it, and it's better to have something left in the tank to give to my existing 2 than to be completely tapped out by 3.

My advice is focus on the positives of your children growing and the freedom you will slowly regain, remind yourself this is partly hormones talking, and just give it time. Most of us come through this and are glad we didn't have another.

@Amidone

It's a interesting question and one I asked myself a lot when deciding whether to have a third. It is absolutely a selfish choice in many ways, we wanted another baby but I'm not sure that my two other children would have said the same. We did ask them but they were two and three when I got pregnant so it wasn't much of a discussion! For me, I don't like being pregnant and am not overly interested in small babies so it was nothing to do with that, I just felt very strongly that if we didn't have another child I would look around the dinner table every night and feel that someone was missing. My husband felt the same, but he is one of four siblings and loves having a big family (they are really close) so that was absolutely a factor for him.

Ultimately though, my third child has absolutely been the missing piece of our family. She is completely adored by us all and I know that her brothers would say that she has given more to them than she has taken away (in terms of our time, money etc). Life with three little children is hard but I'm so so glad we did it. I am absolutely done though, and would be horrified to get pregnant again, so it's not necessarily true that if you have a third you will want a fourth/fifth etc.

My own family situation will have been a factor for me though, and deep down I know this. I haven't seen of spoken to my parents and brother for the best part of a decade, for good reasons that are largely irrelevant here. I have no other relatives either. I think on some level I have tried to create myself a family because I don't have one, and while this is ultimately completely selfish, so is the motivation towards having any child really.

If you're asking should you have a third, my experience is absolutely yes because I love it (am biased obviously), but only if both partners want that and you have the practical and emotional resources to cope with it. For the OP, this doesn't sound like it's the case.

mistermagpie I read your post with interest. For me, if I knew I could be guaranteed a problem problem pregnancy and delivery and a healthy single baby I would almost definitely have a third. But nothing is a given and while I felt a driver to have a second, for myself and my older child to have a sibling (and my DP felt the same) I don't feel the same for a third. I feel it's too much of a risk and an unknown, however small the risk is in reality, to go through it all again. My DP is one of 3 and was always done after our second. I am one of 2 but with a larger than average age gap. It was only my raising the possibility of a third that got him thinking and he generously said that while it was not his choice if I really want it he would support me as he wouldn't want me to have regrets, but that does put all the decision onto me which i hate and I guess I feel I don't want it enough, and I do worry about having a child when you both aren't 100%, as you say matters. We both were 100% when trying for the 2 we have now.

I know myself, and my emotional capacity. We are good parents and put the time and effort in. I worry that we would just manage with more than two. While many cite having a smaller extended family as being a reason why they want a number or children themselves, for me, it also works that there are not many helpers around to help you raise the kids. That's our situation and DP and I get little break as a result. Some perhaps don't need that break or don't realise that they get as much help as they do. But for me, it's a factor. I just hope my children stay close as siblings despite there being just two of them. I think they have a good bond and that's commented on by family and friends too. And I will encourage them to have good contact with their cousins on both sides too.

This will come over as disrespectful and I apologize fully in advance.

However you've said "You want to be pregnant and give birth" You haven't said anything about actually wanting a baby. Would you be just as delighted with a ready made baby that someone handed to you or Could it be that you want 9 months of attention and fuss for being pregnant. There is a huge difference

I so relate to this post. It's so hard when the brain & the heart want different things. In the end I decided I only get one life and a 3rd baby was what I truly wanted and my husband was reluctantly supportive (even though he was happy to stop at 2). We have 3 now, DH has since had the snip and we both have zero regrets. It helps that after having 2 little boys he now has a little girl that looks and acts exactly like him :)

Just get pregnant without telling your husband, he'll deal with it.