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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bubbles . AIBU to be upset ad what do I say?

80 replies

Racoonworld · 10/11/2020 17:04

I had a baby in summer. I have no family nearby so due to lockdown restrictions have had very little help or support and haven't really coped that well tbh. I've suffered from depression for years which hasn't helped and Covid has made everything so much worse, I used to deal with everything by seeing friends every week and getting out and about, now that is hard to do. One of my best friends just had a baby and suggested we could potentially bubble for company during this lockdown as she didn't have any help either. I said yes and to let me know if she wanted to do that. That was a week ago I hadn't heard anything then I got a text today saying her mum had rearranged things and has bubbled with her to give her help for lockdown. I'm so upset, I can't even be angry because of course she wants her mum to help with her new baby but the one bit of hope I had for this lockdown has now gone. I live with my DH and baby so i'm not alone but I don't think I've ever felt more alone. I cry every time I think about it and just don't know how to respond to her text. I need to reply soon so she doesn't think I'm angry with her, I don't want her stressing. What should I say? How do I reply to this? please help!

OP posts:
Freddiefox · 10/11/2020 17:06

Hi xx thanks for letting me know, I completely understand, glad you mum has been able to help out... shall we meet for a social distance walk soon, maybe Thursday? Xx

Freddiefox · 10/11/2020 17:07

I’m sorry you are feeling so alone, you are doing a amazing job. If you start to feel too depressed please see you gp

Sirzy · 10/11/2020 17:08

You can still meet for walks so I would go down the route Freddiefox posted

PatchworkElmer · 10/11/2020 17:09

I think you can only bubble if you live alone/ are a single parent anyway? Your friend might have formed a childcare bubble with her Mum...

I’d reply saying that you’d love to meet her for a walk with the babies (which is allowed).

PlanDeRaccordement · 10/11/2020 17:09

Her mum probably didn’t give her much of a choice. So do not be angry with your friend.

Original poster
Racoonworld · 10/11/2020 17:40

@PatchworkElmer yes childcare bubble. That's what we were going to do to help each other but no she's doing that with her mum. So it is allowed.

@PlanDeRaccordement I'm not angry with her, I would want the same if it were possible. I'm just upset as I don't have anyone to help me and I didn't know how to reply. It's really hard when she will ask how I am and I can't even think about it without crying. I'm really not in a good place.

OP posts:
Original poster
Racoonworld · 10/11/2020 17:43

@Freddiefox thanks, yes I will go with something like that. Thing is though, her message isn't actually letting me know, it's just stating a fact of what she's done. I know it's implied that she doesn't want to bubble with me, but if I say thanks for letting me know it may come across as sarcastic? As she didn't let me know directly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Racoonworld · 10/11/2020 17:43

Sorry I'm no good with these things at the best of times. Really don't want to come across as angry or sarcastic.

OP posts:
movingonup20 · 10/11/2020 17:43

Childcare bubbles aren't for socialising so it isn't applicable unfortunately but support groups are specifically allowed - why not join one? Having a baby is a major life change, I lived on a different continent to my family and knew nobody, I get being isolated but joining a support group really helped

Silverstripe · 10/11/2020 17:46

I think you’re overthinking your response OP - what @Freddiefox suggested is perfect and your friend won’t think it’s sarcastic or rude. It’s polite and understanding.

I really hope you’re ok - I second the suggestion of arranging lots of walks and outdoor meets for company. And if you haven’t already, talk to your DH about how you feel and see if he can do more to help you start feeling better Flowers

hopeishere · 10/11/2020 17:46

Ok, no worries. Let's meet up for a walk soon.

I know your struggling but you're overthinking things. I'd mention to your HV you are struggling and see if she can offer support.

Original poster
Racoonworld · 10/11/2020 17:47

@movingonup20 what's a support group? I haven't heard about any of these?

OP posts:
Atalune · 10/11/2020 17:49

What do you mean ah didn’t let you know directly?

I would just lay on the smiles and say it’s fine. A socially distanced walk could be good.

MeredithGreysScalpel · 10/11/2020 17:50

You can still meet your friend for walks. I’m not sure a bubble would have been correct in your circumstances anyway as you’re not really talking about childcare. Do you have any Children’s Centres or similar near you? Although they aren’t able to do groups right now, some are still offering 1:1 support.

Audreyseyebrows · 10/11/2020 17:54

Have you told your midwife that you are feeling low? Or your DH?
You sound so sad Sad

It is hard with a new baby and I can’t imagine how much harder lockdown has made it.

Maybe just reply something simple like, ‘great news’ or something just to keep the communication open. Is she a close enough friend that you could speak honestly about how you are feeling?

Audreyseyebrows · 10/11/2020 17:55

Obviously I mean health visitor rather than midwife! Oops!

Original poster
Racoonworld · 10/11/2020 17:58

@MeredithGreysScalpel Probably wouldn't be completely correct but we were going to do it to support each other. Same as she can't really bubble with her mum for childcare but it's understandable that she is.

All our nearby children's centres have been shut since March, there isn't even any health visitor services let alone anything else unfortunately.

OP posts:
Chloemol · 10/11/2020 18:05

Childcare bubbles are to allow people to go to work that’s why they are called childcare they are not for socialising. You have your dh to socialise with all the time

You can however go for a SD walk with her if she is agreeable

nanbread · 10/11/2020 18:06

Lots of baby groups are still running and you can still meet with friends outside every week x

Fluffycloudland77 · 10/11/2020 18:06

I agree her mum wouldn’t have given her wriggle room.

Does your dh listen when you say you feel like this?.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 10/11/2020 18:13

You can meet for a SD walk and chilled are bubbles are meant so people can work and it’s only the children that go into the bubble not the adults so you would have been breaking the rules.

littlefireseverywhere · 10/11/2020 18:21

I think her Mum might have insisted, my MIL did similar and I spent years trying to remove myself from her grasp. We moved away in the end. try and get out for walks regularly and meet a friend or acquaintance for coffee & walk. I guaruantee there will be many others thinking the same thing.

Gwenhwyfar · 10/11/2020 18:22

@PlanDeRaccordement

Her mum probably didn’t give her much of a choice. So do not be angry with your friend.
I presume the friend is over 18.
Ffsffsffsffsffs · 10/11/2020 18:28

Are you planning on leaving your babies with each other? That's what a childcare bubble is op, not so you can meet up.

Your dp is your bubble, strictly speaking.

That said, I've been where you are op and I agree that you should be getting support. You can - and should - meet up for a SD, outside walk with your friend for that.

Is you dh supportive?

mumwon · 10/11/2020 18:28

as pp have said you can meet her with your babies on a walk (or several walks :)) you won't be able to meet inside (& neither will her dm unless she lives alone than she can - the laws are complicated!)
If you work than you can have childcare bubble with family member or friend who helps you (or who you help) with childcare
The rules are confusing & some of the details pretty opaque & somewhat nonsensical.
Nothing stopping you meeting up & chatting & sharing take away coffee (at social distance :) )