Bubbles . AIBU to be upset ad what do I say?

[Racoonworld]

I had a baby in summer. I have no family nearby so due to lockdown restrictions have had very little help or support and haven't really coped that well tbh. I've suffered from depression for years which hasn't helped and Covid has made everything so much worse, I used to deal with everything by seeing friends every week and getting out and about, now that is hard to do. One of my best friends just had a baby and suggested we could potentially bubble for company during this lockdown as she didn't have any help either. I said yes and to let me know if she wanted to do that. That was a week ago I hadn't heard anything then I got a text today saying her mum had rearranged things and has bubbled with her to give her help for lockdown. I'm so upset, I can't even be angry because of course she wants her mum to help with her new baby but the one bit of hope I had for this lockdown has now gone. I live with my DH and baby so i'm not alone but I don't think I've ever felt more alone. I cry every time I think about it and just don't know how to respond to her text. I need to reply soon so she doesn't think I'm angry with her, I don't want her stressing. What should I say? How do I reply to this? please help!

Is he sympathetic?.

You were bending the rules anyway, you were going to be meeting up with your mate and her new baby not dropping your child off so you can go to work. You are confusing what a childcare support bubble is. The support is so someone not a registered childcare provider can look after your children so you can continue working, not a social meet-up for you.

We have a childcare support bubble with my parents, I don’t actually see them at the moment, they collect our children from school and my husband goes and picks them up from my parents after work. He doesn’t even go in their house at the moment, it’s literally a childcare arrangement. That’s a childcare support bubble.

Sorry you feel down, can’t you do something nice with your husband at the weekend to get out or get him to have the baby for a break?

@Racoonworld our children's centres have reopened but mostly virtual for now so there are online baby story groups, singing, chat sessions etc. Perhaps worth checking again if that's possible for you? La leche league is running online support chats too if you're bf. They're mostly just chats with some bf questions in my area.

The rules allow you to meet one other person outside and in a public place (doesn't need to be the same person each time) so you can walk with a friend. In addition, baby classes are allowed to run still (so an app/service like Hoop or Happity might be a good source of info for this).
Finally, I have seen a few posts on Facebook local groups saying "hi, I've just had a baby and wondering if anyone is in the same boat and fancies meeting for a walk ". Realise this is risky because who knows who might reply but I've only seen nice responses and in a public park should be pretty safe.
I really hope you find something. It's tough being alone and Covid makes it really hard.

That’s sounds really tough OP. I too am an overthinker. When I had a small baby (not in lockdown) I would try and get out for walks with baby in pram and and listen to podcasts or audiobook once they were asleep to keep your mind occupied. Same with them sleeping in the car - get a drive through coffee too. did your midwives run an antenatal group? Ours did and we all got given each other’s numbers and texted after babies born. Otherwise you could try and find a local group - breastfeeding, babies and toddlers and then you maybe get a contact to go to a cafe with or a walk with. If there’s a group FB for your local area you could sound out any mums with newborns for the same? Where I live I noticed baby massage is running in person. Shops, cafes, garden centres, zoos, safari parks, museums and galleries are all still open and could be nice to go a wander with baby even if you don’t meet anyone else. Getting out and being amongst, if not with, other people could be a help.

Your friend’s second text was rubbing it in a bit wasn’t it? It’s rubbish not having family (or not having them nearby or interested). Wish you well.

[quote Racoonworld]@CandyLeBonBon I'm not very good at talking to people about this in real life. DH knows a bit but not the extent of it. Very few other people know anything at all.[/quote]
That seems like a difficult dynamic in a marriage op.

Have you spoken to anyone about how you are feeling? Maybe a doctor or healthcare worker? Times are hard particularly if you have a new baby, you sound like you are feeling a bit overwhelmed with everything? Have you thought about going on antidepressants?

Thanks for everyone's kind messages. I've made a bit of a plan this evening and have messaged a family member who's an hour away to see if they might want a phone call or walk, and have messaged some friends too.

@Teddybear27 I haven't spoken to anyone though I'm supposed to be flagged on their watch for pnd due to previous depression diagnosis years ago. No idea what that means in practice though as I've had no contact about it. I've had antidepressants before years ago and was hoping to avoid having to go back on them but I don't think I can carry on like this now really.

@Racoonworld - that's good that you've made a plan and messaged some people - well done for a step in the right direction! I'm finding that people are often very happy to come out for walks etc but I'm having to do a lot of the initiating.
Don't forget there is also the Local section to Mumsnet - you could always name change and post there to see if anyone is in the same boat?

You need to speak to your GP and get help for your depression, and you need to be honest with your DP. Relationships can't survive without honest communication.

@PatchworkElmer

I think you can only bubble if you live alone/ are a single parent anyway? Your friend might have formed a childcare bubble with her Mum...

I’d reply saying that you’d love to meet her for a walk with the babies (which is allowed).

Yes, but only one of you has to be a single parent, so her friend would have ticked that box .. but not now she's bubbled with her mum.

@LindaEllen OP has clarified that her friend isn’t a single parent.

Oh op, I really hope you're ok!
I've got a 7 week old baby and just diagnosed with pnd. my gp, health visitor and perinatal mental health team have all said I need to bubble with my parents for support to help me cope, my partner is gone all day and is only home for a couple hours in the evening and weekends. So even though I'm not single I still have support 24/7. I would definitely try and do some socially distanced walks with friends, or even by yourself, I know just getting fresh air makes me feel a lot better xxx

Can you speak to your doctor? It sounds like you're struggling and there's no shame in asking for help. Tell your dh how you feel as well, if he's a good husband then he'll want to support you. Reach out to people as much as you can, even a skype call can help

Have you tried the apps Peanut and Mush? Both are essentially about meeting local mums, shouldn’t take much effort to create a profile and be honest about wanting to meet up for walks, people will respond.

I’m in similar but different boat, had my baby over summer, single parent and currently living with my mum until house purchase finally goes through(!). It’s obv helpful having my mum’s help but still really lonely as have no friends in this area at all.

Once lockdown is over try baby screening at a cinema (Everyman were doing them if you have one near), that’s how I met people. I had a brief chat with a couple of mums who invited me to their weekly ‘ice cream hangout’, after a couple of meet-ups I joined their WhatsApp group. I’m so grateful to them, there’s always someone to chat to in the group. So def try and find a few mums to chat to, I don’t know how mn works but if you work out how to message me pls do 😁.

OP you may well find many of your friends are struggling which is why they haven't reached out. Please don't read too much into you being the one to reach out - just keep doing it.

Walking a baby in a buggy will be really really good for you and the baby so do it, everyday if you can. Say hi to the dog walkers - particularly the older retired ones - many love a chat and have dogs partly for the social aspect!

Your friend might need more support herself rather than being able to offer mutual support, but she'll also want company with someone in the same place as her so don't give up on her.

This is hard, but an end is in sight. Just like physical health, you need to work at mental health too. Take care

@MeredithGreysScalpel

You can still meet your friend for walks. I’m not sure a bubble would have been correct in your circumstances anyway as you’re not really talking about childcare. Do you have any Children’s Centres or similar near you? Although they aren’t able to do groups right now, some are still offering 1:1 support.

@Racoonworld

I'm sorry you're feeling like this.

However, legally, nothing has changed. Your friend's Mum has a 'support bubble' with your friend. (Her mum
Presumably being the single person).

It doesn't prevent your friend also having a childcare bubble, but with childcare bubbles it doesn't allow for the adults to socialise merely hand the children over.

As neither of you are single, technically you couldn't 'bubble' with her anyway.

I'm sorry that you feel hurt that she appears to have forgotten that you were going to be a bubble though (even though it's not actually permitted).

As others have said, try to find any groups that are still running, there are a few, and arrange to meet with your friend for a walk, push the babies on the swings, flask of tea etc.

It's only a couple more weeks then you'll have to see what Tier you're going into, where it all might change again.

I know it's a difficult time for you, but please give your baby lots of hugs from me! They grow far too fast!!!

Op I think some replies here have missed the point of how sad and lonely this is for you

Please reach out and try to find mums and babies you can have walks and meet up in the parks with. If you don't have local frienda can you post on a local Facebook group to find mums with babies.

It's hideous for mums and babies at the moment I'm so sorry.

I can't believe the nitpicking going on here about the rules.

And wtf do people keep saying to speak to a totally overburdened go or HV? The poor OP needs friends.

This is a very serous mental health crisis we are in right now and new mums should bend the rules if it is to have support and avoid depression. Op please tell your husband and find local mums who might be feeling the same.

F

This impact on pregnancy and maternity is the excavator subject area of my research OP and my own experiences becoming a mum this year and related to a massive high impact virtual event I’m involved with this week. Just know that the impact of closures of pregnancy and maternity support services have had a huge impact and is often scorned incorrectly as “mums just moan about not being able to go to rhyme groups”. There’s a lot of leadership and lobbying going on to finesse policy in the area for future lockdowns etc. For the minute you are not alone - every new mum of 2020 has been impacted by this and the majority struggle to explain/be taken seriously. Please speak to your health visitor as these things need noting and please look NCT walk and talk groups in your area, and local IAPT services. Like I said - this is v much my area of work and coincidentally I too had a baby this year - very much hearing you both personally, but also professionally.

Oh sweetie

1. send @Freddiefoxnessage

2. appointment with gp to help with depression

3. well done for contacting friends

Not excavator. Exact. I could link you to research on just what you’re going through right now that draws out exactly what the impact of this has been on the perinatal period and perinatal mental health but I cannot do that without outing myself. Feel free to PM me.

I had a baby in the summer too, it's difficult. I have a toddler too so there's a lot to juggle and my husband works a lot but he does try and help as much as he can. It's a lot though.

With my first I tried to do one activity a day and these were all out of the house. Now I've got two, my aim is get just one thing done, an activity or a chore. Basically anything in the hopes that it is achievable. I find it just helps to have a goal for the day otherwise all the days are just blurring together, especially during lockdown.

I would definitely try and meet up with friends for 1:1 walks.

Try Peanut and Mush to help meet local mums. Just remember there are A LOT of mums in the same situation, so everyone is extra friendly.

See if your Children Centres and NCT branch are running walks. These are group activities that are allowed, up to 15 can join.

Check Facebook for local groups. Children Centres, NCT branch group, local mums groups - my area has one specifically for lockdown babies too. There are also groups for your birth month (not local) which can be nice to join as everyone is at basically the same stage as you.

Some baby classes are running online, it might be worth signing up for one. Things like Baby Sensory, Kindermusik, Baby College, BusyLizzy to name a few. It's nice to have a bit more focused activities, the instructors are always lovely and they normally have a chat at the end with all the participants. I know one that does a specific newborn and chat session once a week too. As it's all online it opens up classes that you wouldn't necessarily be able to do if they were in person and online classes are fine for non mobile babies as it more like guided play.

I think you have a good plan. Walk with family even if you have to drive to get to them, walk with pre baby friends, walk with new mums if you can find a way of meeting them. I’d also also dh if he can have the baby for a bit after work so you can take a bath in peace and have a nice gap between day and evening. Set up some films or things to do together in the evening on particular days (Eg pizza and a film on Fridays). Talk about what you’d like to do for Christmas/birthdays/after Covid. Start something crafty/diy/online learning for yourself. You are going to feel much better soon, and this really isn’t forever. You are doing something quite amazing in very difficult times. I’m SO impressed by new mums this year, when I see them walking I want to clap. You aren’t alone. We see you, and we are willing you on.

It can be hard being a new mum. I would suggest a walk with your friend and try and get out for some fresh air and a decent walk everyday it will be good for you and good for baby. Speak to your DH can he not take over and do bath time when he gets in? If you don’t feel any better or feel worse please reach out to your GP. These are strange times. I didn’t receive any help from my mum living locally and I had two babies very close together. I watched other mums across the road coming to visit my neighbours to help them out with one baby most days and this hurt and I felt very alone. The saving grace as I got out in the fresh air everyday and met some nice mums in a first time mum group. Take care 💐