Which sperm donor would you go for?

[wintersunlight]

Yes, I'm asking total strangers something only I can decide but I'm very confused. Also posting here because I need to make a decision quickly!

I'm setting out to be a single mother by choice. Donor 1 is basically me; is introverted and likes the same things I like to do in my spare time. Sounds like a nice guy from his audio interview. Also (not that you can choose this, I know!) I'd like to maximise my chances of having an introverted kid.

Donor 2 is the kind of guy I have dated in the past; artistic, creative and extrovert (but constantly poor because it's all about the art). Crucially he's from exactly the same racial background as me and looks like he could be someone from my family.

Donor 2 has adult pics whereas donor 1 doesn't. Basically donor 1 ticks the personality boxes while donor 2 ticks the looks boxes. But for 2, I would have to get genetic screening first as he has a recessive gene and we need to make sure I don't have the same one. This would delay my treatment by a month and time is not on my side as I'm 42.

Any thoughts?

I'm also someone who is extremely uncomfortable about the idea of creating a human being in this way, so I'd vote neither. Sorry. I can't have children and it has crossed my mind to do this because it's such a painful thing to come to terms with but you're creating a child who will have no stories from their dad's side of the family, all sorts of gaps in their knowledge of who they are. I couldn't put that on a child. It is such a roulette with regards what you get with half their genes too in terms of personality.

We seem to be more able to have a conversation about the very complex ethics of surrogacy so we should be able to talk about this too.

@BlueBirdGreenFence

We only had a choice of 2. We bought the one with the most pregnancy slots available in case others used him and used up his allowance of successful pregnancies as we might want siblings down the line.

The pregnancy slot only needs to be bought once per family regardless of number of siblings you plan to have. If you have a successful birth you are able to have as many siblings as you like with the same donor assuming they continue to donate. This is the case in the UK anyway.

I would get your post moved to a relevant board where more people will comment who have donor conceived children.
I have two.
This is one of those things that matters a lot before you get pregnant and doesn’t matter at all after as you only want your baby exactly as they are.
We only looked at donors with previous pregnancies.
I‘m not single but if I were I would go for the donor that looked as much like me as possible to increase the chance of them looking like they belonged in the family. I have a friend whose donor conceived child looks so unlike her that everyone assumes she’s the nanny.
In the country we were in we could only find out age/weight/height/Hair and eye colour/current occupation and it is honestly so much better not to know. We have no image in our mind to compare them with. We never think about the donor at all. (We are open with the children and they can get full details about the donor from the clinic, but we can’t.)
I would get someone else to pick for you. If you are unhappy with your choice you’ll realise what your true preference was and you can swap.

Good to hear from people who have had donor conceived children, GirlCalledJames.

Tbh, with both donors the child will still look like me. I guess donor 2 has the slight edge as I've seen pics of him as an adult. Donor 1 was a cute baby but seems a bit more like a lottery knowing what the child will look like as an adult.

Also for those posting about how wrong it is to have a baby this way and even having this debate, trust me this is not how I imagined I'd be having a family either and I would much rather be doing this the traditional way!

Personally I found it helpful to think about what I might be able to share with a future child regarding their donor - what interests, profession, area of study, reasons for donating etc I could envisage telling them about. Does either donor seem like a better prospect in that regard?

Thanks so much for that SteffieIUI. It is indeed UK. We're only at the beginning of our journey and there is a lot to learn!

@wintersunlight

He did, Newmumatlast! He mentioned in his audio interview that he didn't go out for meals anymore now that he was an artist.

Oh gosh. Thats a no from me

@wintersunlight

Also for those posting about how wrong it is to have a baby this way and even having this debate, trust me this is not how I imagined I'd be having a family either and I would much rather be doing this the traditional way!

Presumably there is still time!

@jessstan1.

It’s right there in the OP

time is not on my side as I'm 42.

Have some sensitivity.

I know that but if the op can conceive with a donor, she can presumably conceive in the usual way. At least then the child would know who his/her father is. There are plenty of nice men of similar age who would love to meet a woman, settle down and have a child.

@jessstan1

I know that but if the op can conceive with a donor, she can presumably conceive in the usual way. At least then the child would know who his/her father is. There are plenty of nice men of similar age who would love to meet a woman, settle down and have a child.

Sorry, but I don't agree.

Assuming Mr Right magically parachutes into the OP's life right this minute, how quickly do you really think she would want to conceive in a new relationship? Making the decision to have a child with another person has just as many implications - more, arguably - then deciding to do so alone. It's a lifelong tie, and when it goes wrong it can go very, very wrong. Basically, you're advocating getting knocked up by someone she hardly knows and hoping for the best, and I can't agree that's a responsible choice.

@Persipan I wholeheartedly agree.

I don't think either of them sound ideal from what you've said. Can't you choose a different one.

I also feel deeply uncomfortable with the way one can write "should I choose A or B?" on a forum as if choosing a pair of shoes or a snack. I keep wondering how that child would feel knowing this is how their mum chose who to have them with, not to mention the myriad of other consequences e.g. not having access to half your genetic and historic ancestry, dozens of siblings etc.

Heartbreaking.

@SebastianTheCrab

I also feel deeply uncomfortable with the way one can write "should I choose A or B?" on a forum as if choosing a pair of shoes or a snack. I keep wondering how that child would feel knowing this is how their mum chose who to have them with, not to mention the myriad of other consequences e.g. not having access to half your genetic and historic ancestry, dozens of siblings etc.

Heartbreaking.

People ask for advice on all sorts of very complex and emotional issues on this forum. It is only you who is equating the question with “choosing a pair of shoes” because you see it through the lens of your own moral disapproval of conceiving by donor. I read story after story on here of useless or abusive Dads who make their partners ‘ and children’s lives a misery, or women who had babies when they didn’t really want them and struggle to cope. Save your heartbreak for them and butt out of OP’s life.

The introversion thing is weird
We get it, you're deep and profound and extroverts are shallow and brash, christ wouldn't you hate to have a child like that?

@SebastianTheCrab i would much prefer a “i chose this donor because he was of similar background etc” to “i got drunk, had unprotected sex with a random guy and got pregnant and realised too late“ or “i got married, had you and then he found somebody younger/less annoying/....”. There is no correct, fail proof way to parenthood.

@YoungScrappyHungry you really don’t understand. Extroverts are exhausting for introverts. They need much more stimulation to be happy than introverts can deal with.
I’m very introvert with one introvert and one extrovert child. the introvert child has mainly introvert friends, they are easy to have around. My extrovert child and his extrovert friends are just too much for me after a while. Too much noise, too much everything. Of course i facilitate his friends etc, but its HARD.

Persipan: Assuming Mr Right magically parachutes into the OP's life right this minute, how quickly do you really think she would want to conceive in a new relationship? Making the decision to have a child with another person has just as many implications - more, arguably - then deciding to do so alone. It's a lifelong tie, and when it goes wrong it can go very, very wrong. Basically, you're advocating getting knocked up by someone she hardly knows and hoping for the best, and I can't agree that's a responsible choice.
.........
I wouldn't put it quite like that but deciding to have a baby with an unknown is hardly a responsible option either. What that says to me is that someone is just craving a child regardless of circumstances, as if having a child is a 'right'. It isn't.

Either way, it might not happen so let's wait and see.

@SebastianTheCrab

I also feel deeply uncomfortable with the way one can write "should I choose A or B?" on a forum as if choosing a pair of shoes or a snack. I keep wondering how that child would feel knowing this is how their mum chose who to have them with, not to mention the myriad of other consequences e.g. not having access to half your genetic and historic ancestry, dozens of siblings etc.

Heartbreaking.

Do you ever feel uncomfortable with women on here asking if they should TTC in a heterosexual relationship? That happens all the time too.

If you conceive a child with donor sperm in the UK, that child should have access to genetic and historic ancestry. Anonymous donations aren't allowed any more.

I suspect my daughter, who was donor conceived, is going to find it far harder to trace her maternal history, since her maternal grandmother was adopted and she knows very little about that side of her family.

For that matter, I don't know much about my own family or genetic history. There's no adoption (that I know of) in my family, but we're terrible at keeping records and things peter out really quite soon after my grandparents.

That's the reality for a lot of people.