Which sperm donor would you go for?

[wintersunlight]

Yes, I'm asking total strangers something only I can decide but I'm very confused. Also posting here because I need to make a decision quickly!

I'm setting out to be a single mother by choice. Donor 1 is basically me; is introverted and likes the same things I like to do in my spare time. Sounds like a nice guy from his audio interview. Also (not that you can choose this, I know!) I'd like to maximise my chances of having an introverted kid.

Donor 2 is the kind of guy I have dated in the past; artistic, creative and extrovert (but constantly poor because it's all about the art). Crucially he's from exactly the same racial background as me and looks like he could be someone from my family.

Donor 2 has adult pics whereas donor 1 doesn't. Basically donor 1 ticks the personality boxes while donor 2 ticks the looks boxes. But for 2, I would have to get genetic screening first as he has a recessive gene and we need to make sure I don't have the same one. This would delay my treatment by a month and time is not on my side as I'm 42.

Any thoughts?

LividLaughLurve - both have proven pregnancies.

nitsandwormsdodger - it's very very weird!

1 without a doubt. There’s no need for the father to share the same racial chaeacteristics as you unless you come form a family that disapproves of dating outside your ethnic group, and the gene thing sounds like a right pain.
Good luck- I had my son at just turned 43 and it’s fab. Also my insider tip is that at your age you’d probably be best off going straight to IVF not wasting time with more than one go at IUI. (I tried both).

DH and i are both introverted and we have 2 very extroverted children.
I say go for the looks!

My parents are both quite extroverted and I'm the complete opposite. I don't think it's genetic. Neither is your child's personality. They will be their own person

How many did you initially have to choose from?

What made you choose these two?

Just from what you've said, I'd go for 2.

Donor 2 if you are compatible genetically.

gene thing isn't an issue unless I have the same recessive one and then I wouldn't be allowed to choose him. A lot of people have recessive genes, it only turns into the condition if your partner has it too

It is still an issue though. There is a 50% chance your DC will inherit the recessive gene. What if they fall in love with someone who also has the recessive gene? It's an objective decision whether you decide not to have a child with this sperm donor because he carries the gene. It would be far harder decision for your DC to have to make in the future if they want to marry and have children with someone they love who also carries the same gene.

Do the racial backgrounds have different cultural backgrounds too?

Could a mixed-race DC who only knows your side of his heritage feel like he's missed out on the other side? I think that would push me towards 2.

You don't mention their age (there is a reason the sperm banks generally take sperm from men in their twenties)

or whether they are CMV positive/negative.

If both of these are things you're not aware of, I'd recommend doing some good research into choosing a donor.

I chose to have far less information about my donor but I had the clinic to filter out any real issues with potential donors.

I only have three bits of information about the donor: hair colour, eye colour and their profession. DD doesn't share her hair or eye colour with either me or the donor but is showing strong signs of the donor's genes in terms of skills (which are different to mine) but who knows whether that's nature or nurture.

orangenasturtium - I hadn't thought about it like that...

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants - very few as I'm looking for donors with the same racial heritage as me so essentially it's just these 2!

Designer "introvert" baby, eh?

I’d go donor 1 - but myself and my DH are both introverts, and our child is anything but!

I personally wouldn’t want the risk with the genetic issue of donor 2.

A point about recessive genes: what is the condition? How common and serious is it? There's one DH is a carrier for, and DD is too: its v unusual in people with our ethnic background and the only reason we know about it is a family member married a woman from a background where it is much more common and they discovered they both have it.

Its the kind where if you have it, you have a shortened life expectancy and require ongoing treatment and they have children who do have it, and obviously their others are carriers. Given how globally interconnected the world is, I suppose if I had a free choice I would rather dd didn't have it as we will have to talk to her about relationships in the future. Being a carrier in no way effects her health though.

I'd also want which ever donor provided the most information/was happy to be contacted. I think bringing a child into the world this way you need to ensure they have as much info about their background as possible.

PolkadotsAndMoonbeams - 1 is from a similar but different country/culture to me so that is another thing I have been wondering about, educating a child about a heritage I don't know about.

INeedNewShoes - I've been tested for CMV and can choose either. I get the impression 1 is early 20s and 2 is late 20s.

Donor 2.

Donor 1

I would go with 1... You can learn about their heritage together. It's healthier generally to have more of a genetic mix apparently.

Love that someone thinks introversion is an odd choice.

I'm an introvert. Likely the only one in my family for generations. I've got two dc, one extrovert and one introvert.

I don't think it's genetic.

Honestly, I have a child by my husband and he is himself. I can’t point to anything other than some physical features inherited from either of us. And I’m one of five adult children who are all wildly different to one another in terms of personality, and are totally different to our meek, socially-anxious parents. Bluntly, we’ve all educated ourselves out of our upbringing, and our education, careers and the wider horizons they’ve given us have had far more impact on our adult characters and lives than our genetic heritage.

Would it be difficult if your child looked different from you? How would your family be with this? If it’s not an issue I’d probably go for donor 1, but if it could possibly be an issue go for donor 2. I wouldn’t worry too much about personality, surely quite a bit of that is nurture rather than nature.

Mumtumwobble - 1 is from a similar racial background to me so any child would still look similar to me. 2 is from the exact same heritage as me.

I'd go donor 2. I married someone like me and the compounding of our personality traits in one of our kids isn't great.

I think you need to avoid the genetic issue as even if you don't have it the gene cld be passed down and cause an issue for future generations

Having been on exactly the same journey as you, and given your age, I would pick the one most likely to lead to a successful pregnancy: if they have both made your short list then I assume either would really be ok.

So look at any previous pregnancies (if I was starting again I would prioritise that) especially if the data shows they have had a baby already. Also age (younger the better). If you are CMV negative, pick the same. Check what stock they have in for each, how many you can buy, how good quality they are (get top mobility to lead to a better fertilisation rate).

18 months down the line, I realise that the time I spent agonising over the sperm donor was not time well spent (not least given the lengthy criteria I had which is now long gone 😂)