DH's "jokes"

[CannotTellIfIABU]

Conversation earlier:
Me: I was texting my mum and we were suggesting maybe doing a little holiday together in the summer if it's permitted [I haven't seen them since February due to COVID]
DH: You can go. I'll stay here.
Me: OK I guess.
DH: That was a joke.

AIBU to think these "jokes" aren't funny and are really just DH being a dick? I don't even get how it's supposed to be funny.

So as not to drip-feed there is a big backstory. DH has always moaned about seeing my parents and basically spoiled every visit to see them, and always "jokes" about not wanting to see them. I feel he is essentially making passive aggressive comments and when I tell him he's upset me, he complains that it was a joke and I am unfairly policing his jokes (this is gaslighting surely?).

Also, when my brother's child was born, DH suggested that as it would be a 4 hour train trip we should wait a year to visit as we could tie it in with his planned trip to go to his mate's wedding in a nearby city. When I talked to him about the fact that he was always so negative about seeing my family he said he thought I was "basically estranged from them" anyway despite the fact that I was living with my parents when we first met. I asked him to stop making these hurtful comments.

I talked to DH after his "joke" tonight and he said MIL jokes are classic. I suggested that you don't normally make them to your wife. He replied "Well I can't see my mates at the moment."

Jokes normally either have some wit, a pun, a punchline, or cause one or more people to laugh. If even he wasn't laughing then how is it a joke?
Ita a complete dick move to say something unkind and then when someone gets understandably upset, accuse them of not having a sense of humour.
I suggest you start picking on something about him. His family, or his weight, or the size of his penis, and make repeated passive aggressive digs about it and then accuse him of a sense of humour failure when he gets pissed off.

The thing is OP that even if it was a joke, for most people, if they were making jokes that actually upset the person they were supposed to love, they would stop

Um, this all sounds odd.

I am not sure why DH would even think he was invited if you said you were discussing going on holiday with someone else? It certainly isn't a joke is it as it isn't remotely funny.

Re the other example you gave - why would you have to wait until DH was ready to make the train journey to see your new DN?

I feel like there is a missing piece of the jigsaw here if that makes sense?

Tell him he is not invited ... NOT a joke ☺️

Tell him the audience decides if the joke is funny. It isn’t.

Re the other example you gave - why would you have to wait until DH was ready to make the train journey to see your new DN?

He doesn't actually want me to go alone (and it would involve me traveling with our young child), he just can't be bothered doing visits so wants us to go together but very infrequently.

But he isn't the boss of you OP - is he?

You suggest going together, he says he doesn't want to make the trip, so you make your own plans to go with DC. Sorted? No?

DH doesn't enjoy time spent with your family?
go by yourself, what's the issue, you aren't joined at the hip?

He doesn't sound very funny. I suggest you start doing the things you want and do them without him if he objects. He's not the boss of you. Don't let him get away with his little digs. Call him out on it, tell him you find it hurtful.

I would go alone(with your DC) as often as you like. You do not need DH's permission.

The last line made me lol and I don't think that was intended to be the joke.

My ex would have said you go on your own and actually meant it. Just say please don't joke about it it actually makes me worried there's some semi truth in it.

Jokes normally either have some wit, a pun, a punchline, or cause one or more people to laugh. If even he wasn't laughing then how is it a joke?

He seems to be suggesting he's doing some kind of ironic act where he pretends he's Bernard Manning or something. To be fair, I'm not particularly familiar with Bernard Manning but I still thought his jokes involved punchlines.

DH has form for this. Before our wedding he was doing "jokes" about not wanting to get married. I said to him that they seemed like hurtful things to say to your fiancée and he should consider his audience. He trotted out the "I don't get to see my mates much anymore" line then (because his mates had families and were busy, not because of COVID or because I was stopping him). I have asked him why he feels the need to make "jokes" that he knows are just going to upset rather than amuse me. He has never really provided an explanation that I understood.

Grow a backbone and take control of your life. Tell him he's not invited and you will be just fine travelling on your own, thank you very much.

Just go on your own. Surely it would be infinitely more enjoyable and relaxing than going with your dh making it uncomfortable the whole time. If my dh told me it would be a year before I’d meet my nephew if I wanted him to go too then I’d go alone, if not a big issue. The ‘jokes’ aren’t funny though, make sure you pull him up on them each time he makes them.

Yeah I don't get why it was funny

If he didn't want to go on holiday with you and your mum (and I imagine a lot of people would rather not holiday with their partners mother) why would that be jokeworthy? Or why would it be something that he couldn't say?

I still don't understand why he would assume he was going? Wouldn't most men think it was a Mum and Daughter trip?

Go on your own...i did when my eldest was born. My OH at the time was an arse and wasnt interested. Made it easier for me.

DH doesn't enjoy time spent with your family? go by yourself, what's the issue, you aren't joined at the hip?

I'd be fine with this. DH won't actually want me to go alone though as it would look weird to my parents. He seems to want to just moan and discourage me from visiting frequently in the guise of a joke.

DH won't actually want me to go alone though

So what? Again, this just sounds more and more like you have no say in your own life

Your problem isn't his 'jokes', it's him. It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship, I don't understand why you wouldn't just stand up for yourself and go see your family or tell him when his behaviour is unacceptable or why he feels like he has to try to disguise his feeling as 'jokes'.

TBH it sounds like it's continual pressure for you to distance yourself from them.

Joking about the wedding - to make you feel insecure? To make you feel like you owe him?

I would actually start seeing more of your DP or have more involvement with them.

thats even worse... your DH wants to alienate you from family members due to him not wanting to go ....its not a joke...he is trying to alienate you from family. He doesnt want to engage but doesnt stop you from continuing a relationship

So what? Again, this just sounds more and more like you have no say in your own life

Just to clarify, it would be a family trip with DM, DP, me and our child and DP will presume DH will come. I don't really want to have to bar DH from coming on holiday if I can avoid it. But if he does come I just want him to not moan constantly to me whilst we're on holiday about the fact that he's rather be at home or watching telly rather than speaking to my parents, and making "jokes" about not wanting to come in the run-up.

Is he hoping you will either get upset at the idea of him not going or ask him to come etc to stroke his ego or so he can make a big show of doing it "for you"? (and hold it over you later if he is like my ex).

Go without him, he can't dictate you are not allowed to travel or see family unless it suits him to bless them with his wit in person.

Sorry DF not DP above.

Leave him at home.
Every time.