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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH's "jokes"

81 replies

CannotTellIfIABU · 08/11/2020 19:51

Conversation earlier:
Me: I was texting my mum and we were suggesting maybe doing a little holiday together in the summer if it's permitted [I haven't seen them since February due to COVID]
DH: You can go. I'll stay here.
Me: OK I guess.
DH: That was a joke.

AIBU to think these "jokes" aren't funny and are really just DH being a dick? I don't even get how it's supposed to be funny.

So as not to drip-feed there is a big backstory. DH has always moaned about seeing my parents and basically spoiled every visit to see them, and always "jokes" about not wanting to see them. I feel he is essentially making passive aggressive comments and when I tell him he's upset me, he complains that it was a joke and I am unfairly policing his jokes (this is gaslighting surely?).

Also, when my brother's child was born, DH suggested that as it would be a 4 hour train trip we should wait a year to visit as we could tie it in with his planned trip to go to his mate's wedding in a nearby city. When I talked to him about the fact that he was always so negative about seeing my family he said he thought I was "basically estranged from them" anyway despite the fact that I was living with my parents when we first met. I asked him to stop making these hurtful comments.

I talked to DH after his "joke" tonight and he said MIL jokes are classic. I suggested that you don't normally make them to your wife. He replied "Well I can't see my mates at the moment."

OP posts:

Original poster

CannotTellIfIABU · 08/11/2020 20:29

Is he hoping you will either get upset at the idea of him not going or ask him to come etc to stroke his ego or so he can make a big show of doing it "for you"? (and hold it over you later if he is like my ex).

I don't think so. I think it's as simple as:
A) he's not that keen on visiting my parents; and
B) he thinks he's much funnier than he actually is. He's often complaining that I don't laugh enough at his jokes (the more normal ones with puns, but that are still a bit crap).

OP posts:

pickingdaisies · 08/11/2020 20:29

Your choice is, you go and see your mum, and your DH gets the grumps because it makes him look bad to your parents. Or, you hardly ever visit your family, DH happy, you and your mum unhappy. What does he think it looks like to your parents if neither of you visit? How is that better than just you going?
This isn't right, OP. Don't back down for a quiet life on this. You'll end up with only DH for company. Oh, and his mates. Does he always get his own way?

HollowTalk · 08/11/2020 20:30

Oh god, he sounds so depressing. Do you ever have normal conversations with him?

Idunnoyou · 08/11/2020 20:31

He's annoying

tenterden · 08/11/2020 20:34

So OP this holiday you were referring to was a big family holiday with your family?

I wouldn't want to do that. I think it is fine to say so. DH should be free to holiday with whoever he wants. I think what many posters are struggling with is why it's so important that you have to do everything together? It sounds like an odd dynamic to me.

I totally get why you wouldn't want him coming and moaning - that's no fun, but surely he can see his beloved mates (aside from Covid etc)

It sounds to me like there is a lack of honesty in this relationship. I have friends who cannot abide their ILS and they just say so, and don't bother with them aside from being pleasant when their paths happen to cross. It's no great drama.

Your Dh doesn't seem able to be honest and is trying to mask it as a joke if he says what he really thinks. You don't seem to feel able to meet them without him for some reason in case your parents are upset but why would they give a shit?

DeeCeeCherry · 08/11/2020 20:35

Agree, it's not funny. But if you really wanted to see your Mum and had a thought about her missing you and grandchild, then you would have gone. It says a lot that you haven't. Putting the blame and reasons on your husband for you not going is an easy way out. So as unkind and annoying as he is on this, it doesn't particularly look good on you either. Likely why he (albeit wrongly) feels he can 'joke'.

Brefugee · 08/11/2020 20:37

So he doesn't want you to go alone but he doesn't want to go with you when you visit your family?
Why are you putting up with this? Visit your family when you want.

izzyrose85 · 08/11/2020 20:39

"DH has always moaned about seeing my parents and basically spoiled every visit to see them, and always "jokes" about not wanting to see them. I feel he is essentially making passive aggressive comments and when I tell him he's upset me, he complains that it was a joke and I am unfairly policing his jokes"

He knows his jokes upset you and yet he still makes them. What does that say about him as a person?

You wouldn't continually say something to him that he had repeatedly told you upset and hurt him, would you? No matter how "jokey" you considered it to be?

You can't control his "jokes". But you can decide you don't want to go on holiday, or indeed be in a relationship with, someone who actively chooses to upset you by making these kinds of "jokes".

honeylulu · 08/11/2020 20:39

What would happen if you said "actually I don't WANT you to come because you'll just moan all the time and spoil it" ?

Bananalanacake · 08/11/2020 20:39

Can't you visit your parents alone and not give a shit what he thinks. Why would it look weird if he's not there. I visit my parents without dp and no one cares if he's there or not.

OverThinkingUnderDoing · 08/11/2020 20:40

Most parents would relish time to see their daughter and grandchild without their oh present (especially if they’re a passive aggressive ‘joker’). It seems a really odd set up both with your dh not wanting to go but still wanting to go and you rather having him be there being a dick than telling your parents that he’d rather not be there. Even though he makes it clear he doesn’t want to be there.

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 08/11/2020 20:40

Yes, without a custard pie in the face it just isn't funny.

tenterden · 08/11/2020 20:41

@Bananalanacake

Can't you visit your parents alone and not give a shit what he thinks. Why would it look weird if he's not there. I visit my parents without dp and no one cares if he's there or not.

Agree totally.

I absolutely love my DIL. She is funny, intelligent, great company, and a lovely DIL.

But I still love seeing DS on his own without her sometimes. I would hate it if I only ever saw my adult DC with their partners.

Whatisthisfuckery · 08/11/2020 20:42

I thought jokes were supposed to be funny? Tell him if he’s so keen on MIL jokes the 1970s are that way ->

Oh, and just leave him out of anything involving your parents from now on. He sounds like a bit of a dick TBH.

LolaSmiles · 08/11/2020 20:42

tenterden
I was going to say something similar.

There's quite a few of my friends who don't get on or don't like their in laws much, so they aren't desperate to see them. They're polite and get on at family occasions but they'd not choose to spend extended time together.

The thing that bothers me in this OP is he doesnt want you to go there alone. Is this due to the journey logistics or is there something more?

LouHotel · 08/11/2020 20:42

So basically he wants it to appear to your family that your choosing not to see them that often.

Really think about that for a minute.

thepeopleversuswork · 08/11/2020 20:43

I mean there's two issues here: one is whether or not he comes with you to spend time with your family. As others have said, if he doesn't want to go, you should go on your own. Not a huge issue.

The second issue is the lame way he makes unpleasant remarks about your family and passes them off as "jokes" (the ultimate get-out-of-jail-free card for people being nasty). To be jokes things have to be found to be funny by the recipient and these aren't and are hurtful. So call him on it: ask him if he has a problem with your family to spell it out as opposed to pass it off as a joke and have the balls to own whatever issue he has.

Does he make other unpleasant and passive aggressive remarks and pass them off as "banter"? I'm prepared to bet good money he does.

Shoxfordian · 08/11/2020 20:43

He sounds like a knob

Tell him not to bother coming with you ever again. I visit my parents without my dh sometimes, no harm in it.

Badwill · 08/11/2020 20:44

This is weird. My family live three hours away and I just go as and when I want. If my husband wants to come he does, if he doesn't he doesn't. Mostly he doesn't unless it's a wedding/christening etc. so I just take my DC and go, have done since they were newborns.

He's not funny in the slightest, he's just a dickhead. Just decide what YOU want to do and tell him. "I'm going to my parents for the weekend/on holiday with them etc. are you coming or not" and that's that. He sounds like a bit of a passive aggressive knob to be honest.

katy1213 · 08/11/2020 20:44

He sounds a prat. But who's inviting him anyway? And you certainly don't need his permission. You'll have a better time without him. Just tell your parents he's not coming - they'll probably cheer!
In fact, are you sure you wouldn't have a better time without him permanently?

billy1966 · 08/11/2020 20:45

He sounds like a real twat.

See your family. Regularly. Without him.

He really doesn't sound like any prize.

Badwill · 08/11/2020 20:46

Does he make other unpleasant and passive aggressive remarks and pass them off as "banter"? I'm prepared to bet good money he does.

I second this

PaperMonster · 08/11/2020 20:46

My OH makes ‘jokes’ and I just give him a wtf look cos they’re never funny and totally uncalled for.

Girlzroolz · 08/11/2020 20:49

I would definitely start laughing at someone who was using such an old-fashioned, outdated form of humour. Just not in a tone they’d like.

Maybe stop telling him it’s hurtful and try telling him it makes him look and sound far older than his years? Do the face and say ‘Oh is that another of your little Dad jokes, is it? Wow, remind me to buy you a fair isle cardi for Xmas to go with it!’.

TheTeenageYears · 08/11/2020 20:51

How does he feel about his own family/do you see them/do they live closer than your parents?

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