DH's "jokes"

[CannotTellIfIABU]

Conversation earlier:
Me: I was texting my mum and we were suggesting maybe doing a little holiday together in the summer if it's permitted [I haven't seen them since February due to COVID]
DH: You can go. I'll stay here.
Me: OK I guess.
DH: That was a joke.

AIBU to think these "jokes" aren't funny and are really just DH being a dick? I don't even get how it's supposed to be funny.

So as not to drip-feed there is a big backstory. DH has always moaned about seeing my parents and basically spoiled every visit to see them, and always "jokes" about not wanting to see them. I feel he is essentially making passive aggressive comments and when I tell him he's upset me, he complains that it was a joke and I am unfairly policing his jokes (this is gaslighting surely?).

Also, when my brother's child was born, DH suggested that as it would be a 4 hour train trip we should wait a year to visit as we could tie it in with his planned trip to go to his mate's wedding in a nearby city. When I talked to him about the fact that he was always so negative about seeing my family he said he thought I was "basically estranged from them" anyway despite the fact that I was living with my parents when we first met. I asked him to stop making these hurtful comments.

I talked to DH after his "joke" tonight and he said MIL jokes are classic. I suggested that you don't normally make them to your wife. He replied "Well I can't see my mates at the moment."

I was wondering this teenage - could be quite revealing.

ALso agreeing with Katy123

He's not actually joking. He's being rude and saying what he actually thinks then attempting to pass it off as banter when you reasonably get upset by it

Is "That was a joke" code for something?

I don't like your response.
I don't like where this conversation is going.

Something?

He sounds a bit like my ex-DH who was also a controlling bullying arsehole who tried to pass of sexist ‘jokes’ as ironic and had to make everything about him.

OP, he is not the boss of you. Go on holiday with your family, is it them when you want.

And you should consider LTBing.

It sounds to me as though he was testing your reply rather than joking.

Either way, you two need to un-join your hips a bit. Your relationship sounds stifling.

And whether your parents find it odd or not, doesn't change the fact that loads of people happily visit their parents alone from time to time.

Rolling out a cliche... What are his good qualities?

Because I'd really struggle to like someone who both didn't like my family AND was a dick about it. My BIL doesn't like my family and behaves appallingly and I don't know how my sister puts up with it. It's so uncouth to not be able to hold your tongue and smile in the presence of relatives occasionally for the happiness of a partner.

@HollowTalk

Oh god, he sounds so depressing. Do you ever have normal conversations with him?

this

How does he feel about his own family/do you see them/do they live closer than your parents?

I have 3 sets of ILs (don't ask - complicated family on his side) who I see more often than mine. He has one family member who we both think is kind a dick and don't see that often, and he knows I tolerate that person but don't actually enjoy their company - but what I don't do is make remarks and then dress it up as a joke. And yes I don't enjoy everything second at his ILs, but I'm polite to them and don't sit there looking pissed off and asking if we can put the telly on like he does.

Anyway, I've just had it out with DH again. There seems to be a problem in that he never remembers how he has behaved in the past as anything other than rosy and so doesn't remember all the moaning on previous trips and doesn't get why I'm getting upset. He's apologised anyway. I'll see how he behaves when the subject comes up again, which probably won't be for months anyway as we'll have to see what's happening with COVID next year before booking anything.

Why does it matter that he doesn't want you to go to your parents without him?

What would he do/say if you did?

What about your want to go more often?

You are perfectly capable of travelling to your parents with your child on your own. And given that your DH sounds like a bit of a knob your parents will quite probably be delighted to see you and your DC without him.

In non-covid times I go away a lot without DH. I take the kids with my friend and her kids. I take them with family. DH is working (I was term-time, I'm now SAHM) and when he takes annual leave we do stuff together. Your DH doesn't need to be a a part of every single thing you do

don't sit there looking pissed off and asking if we can put the telly on like he does.

Fuck that. Tell him when you and your DC are going to your parents and leave him behind.

There was nothing funny, so no joke. He's just being a negative nelly.

'MIL jokes' as a genre came from a time when young people, especially young women typically didn't leave their parents' home until they married. Often, they couldn't afford to set up their own home straight away, so the bridegroom moved in with his new wife's parents. The MIL was the person in charge of the home they lived in together and could easily become resented by the young husband, who really wanted the peace, power and dignity of his own marital home. Hence MIL jokes as an outlet for that resentment.

As for your 'D'H, call his bluff. Take him at face value and organise your own trip to see / away with your parents. Tell him you knew he'd be happier at home; he's told you he'd be happier at home, so you're delighted to be able to tell him that you are more than happy for him to stay at home.

This all makes me feel tired, and glad that I am divorced.

It's all so petty.

OP, if you want to go away with your parents, go away with your parents. Your DH doesn't have to go. Tell him he is welcome to come if he will actually enjoy it, but if not, he might as well stay at home.

As for visiting nephews etc - just go. If he would like to come, he can come. If he doesn't want to, fine.

Why does this sort of thing have to be such a great big deal?

He made a crap and not very funny joke, and you are over-sensitive.

I did laugh at the last line of your OP, though.

Not ok.

The first time you told him that it wasn't funny should have been the last time that he did it. Once someone has told you that the jokes at their expense are not funny and are in fact hurtful, you lose any right to claim it was just a joke. It then becomes nasty.

He is being a dick on purpose.

I couldn’t really give this the same amount of headspace that you are. It just sounds silly. He made a joke, and probably thinks he’s being witty and amusing. You didn’t find it funny. It’s no big deal.

*So basically he wants it to appear to your family that your choosing not to see them that often.

Really think about that for a minute*

Exactly. Him saying he thought you were basically estranged from your family means he wishes you were. And he seems to be trying his best to make that happen.

Seems like you are one of those co dependent couples that can't go anywhere without each other and just bicker all the time. The "jokes" and passive aggressiveness are just part of that whole dynamic.

The "jokes" sound like his way of reminding you he doesn't want to go and will be a massive sulky prat for the duration but also will insist on going as he won't stay at home either. Which is a great way to take the shine off it for you. I really could not tolerate this at all. I don't believe for a second he can't remember acting badly previously.

I hope you're able to get something booked in the not too distant future and get to enjoy it. Either with your husband acting like a fully grown adult, or going without him.

I'm afraid he's going to be a really insufferable ExH.

I'd start planning very, very carefully, ie moving closer to family at least at first.

We all make mistakes. Good luck, OP

I feel sorry for your parents...

So, stop treating his remarks as jokes and take them at face value.

"You can go. I'll stay here"
"Ok, DC and I will leave on Saturday and be gone for a week, then"

"We can go see your DB's child in a year"
"No, that's too long. DC and I will go in two weeks and YOU can see the baby next year after your friend's wedding".

When he says "It was a joke" just say "I didn't realize that since what you said wasn't funny. But at any rate, DC and I are going."

Stop kowtowing to what he wants. He doesn't want you to go alone? Fuck that. He's not worried about your safety he's trying to keep you away from your family.

My dh can’t stand my parents-with good reason. I used to visit alone, I don’t see why he should go if he hated it. Equally, I’d expect him to go and see his parents alone if I didn’t feel like it. Stop letting him ruin time with your family. If you like and want see them, off you go, take the dc, sod what your dh or anyone else thinks.

Your DP has a communication problem

You give him far too much say in your life and when you see your family....that's the problem.

What's this nonsense about him not wanting you to go alone....you're nor a little child needing dad's permission.
You can visit your parents without him...why does he always need to go?

I see my parents without DH most of the time...marriage doesn't make you conjoined twins.

I would just say "I'm going".... I can't imagine my DH suggesting I see my new niece or nephew a year later and if he did I'd just go and tell him not to come with me.

Are you financially dependent on him or is he a lot older than you?

It's up to YOU how often you see your family and you can go without DH, surely? Is your confidence low, is that why you won't try the journey? Or are you worried about going against him?

My DH isn't particularly sociable . Initially I was worried that my family might be insulted if he didn't join in visits but after making excuses for him a couple of times they just accepted that mainly I visited my family alone or with DS. I don't think you have to live completely in each other's pockets anyway .