Can I have a rant about dh not doing things properly?

[NearlyChristmasagain]

I suppose I should be grateful that he does things round the house, but I feel like weeping at the minute.

It's Sunday, and once again I feel like I'm drowning in housework, I'd rather be doing a bit of baking and going for a nice walk instead. I don't really know how it's got to this point because I kept on top of things pretty well during the week.

What makes it worse is dh can never do a job properly. For example, he's stuck a load of washing on this morning, it was a big load and quite dirty, but he's put it on a fucking cold wash with a 400 spin, so it's not clean nor spun properly.

He takes washing out if the drier and off the line that is still damp. He puts the dcs clothes away in the wrong places, such as ds2s school trousers in ds1s room, or my stuff in one of the dcs rooms, so I can't find anything.

If he puts ds to bed he leaves the towel, toothbrush, clothes, lying around.

Leaves mess everywhere. If I moan he stops for a few weeks then goes back to old ways.

Feels like living with a third child.

Do you think it's intentional?

Intentional 'incompetence' to ensure he's not asked again or asked rarely.

Praise him every time he does something 'domestic', regardless of how badly it's done.

'Thanks love, that's a big help'

Yes you can have a rant. It’s good to vent sometimes. Usually my DH does his share but some weekends he just procrastinates such that I end up picking up his slack.

My DH is still snoring away in bed and we are an hour ahead of UK. It’s noon here.

I suppose I should be grateful that he does things round the house

No, you shouldn't be grateful. He lives there too.

Leave him to it - if he’s not put the washing on the correct programme, he’ll need to spend time redoing it. If the DC’s clothes are in the wrong wardrobe, it will take him extra time tomorrow morning finding them.

With the washing take him to the machine. Tell him to do it again in 2 loads at 30° or whatever it is you use. Walk away. When it's done make him hang it up, properly. And if he takes it off damp, dump it back at him and make him hang it until it's dry

Take him to the mess tell him to put it away and walk away.

Tell him that you aren't his servant and if he doesn't do it properly he'll find himself in a single household responsible for everything?

I'd pull him up on it. Every Single Time.

In the morning ask "can you find my black work skirt you put away somewhere other than my wardrobe please?" etc.

He clearly is capable as he does things properly every now and then.

Alternatively get a cleaner with his money to do his share.

I don't have this problem with my DH except for one thing. He will sweep the floor, and brush everything into a neat little pile in the corner and then leave it there even though when he puts the broom away he has to move the dustpan and brush out of the way to put the broom in its proper place.

It drives me crazy. I tell him. He just doesn't do it. So i ignore it.

Yesterday I told my DH and DC if they didn't improve I would set fire to the next thing I find in the wrong place. Probably not the best approach tbf but they did start tidying up.

I suppose I should be grateful that he does things round the house

Have you ever heard a man say that about his wife?

For some reason, none of the men I've ever been with have been any good at washing. This is also true of my dad - and he's not doing it to try and get out of it, as he lives on his own.

I don't have a clue why this is, or if there is even a biological reason for it!

But anyway .. after a few arguments of me having a go at DP about him not doing things properly, and him getting a bit upset because he 'tried his best' (I think he really did), we've simply changed things round so he can do the chores he IS good at. There must be something your DP can do.

For us, he's better at washing dishes and hoovering, so he'll do that. He also empties the bins upstairs and downstairs.

I do the washing and drying/putting away, and the bulk of the cooking.

I definitely do more, but due to lockdown my business is fucked so I am home all day, so I don't mind that whatsoever.

I don't think housework needs to be split 50/50 with every job, if one of you is shit at doing the job.

@MoiraNotRuby

Yesterday I told my DH and DC if they didn't improve I would set fire to the next thing I find in the wrong place. Probably not the best approach tbf but they did start tidying up.

Hahaha I like that!

Unfortunately, knowing my luck, it would be something of mine, though!

I hate that we’re all so beaten down that we find ourselves feeling grateful when the person who lives in the house too does one tiny bit of housework. WHY are we still in this situation?

Ugh. I have nothing useful to add but it fucks me off so much.

What fucks me off even more is wilful incompetence by the lazy twat to ensure he isn’t asked again. Their manipulation to ensure worn down women do it all because it’s easier and less miserable then having to repeatedly ask him and getting called a ‘nag’, is unutterably depressing.

I’m in a similar boat, you can probably tell.

He can do it right for a few weeks, I agree with pp, he’s being intentionally incompetent.

Get him to re-do it until it’s right. I know that’s more mental load for you.

Could you just not do anything for him?

Intentional 'incompetence' to ensure he's not asked again or asked rarely.

I think a lot of men try this on, would he be that incompetent at work?

For some reason, none of the men I've ever been with have been any good at washing. This is also true of my dad - and he's not doing it to try and get out of it, as he lives on his own.

I don't have a clue why this is, or if there is even a biological reason for it!

Of course there's no biological reason for being unable to read labels and push some buttons.

He just has no interest in learning to do it correctly. Why, you'll probably never know but I suspect it's because it doesn't particularly affect him.

In the same vein, I've lost count of the amount of women who have never held or used a drill.

There definitely isn't anything biological about it, @LindaEllen, my husband is totally competent doing the washing, he probably does it more than I do, the whole shebang - noticing it needs doing, sorting into loads, correct washing programme, separating out the stuff that can't be tumble dried and hanging it up (or checking the weather and hanging on the line), putting things away. My teenaged son can manage it too, so the male brain is definitely capable!

I used to think it was intentional but now I think they do it because they just don't care about doing "wife work" properly.
They just switch off and go through the motions.
This is yet another reason I cannot live with a man, I'd get the rage, any boyfriend I do have in the future will be live out.

I think we might have DH from the same catalogue. My DH very occassionally does the washing up (of stuff that cant go in the dishwasher - usually because stuff is quite baked on) Literally every time I know I will have to do it again.sometimes I just look at it and see how greasy it is, when its apparently been washed!

(We both hate drilling though and it is usually my husband who ends up with the short straw, so mea culpa)

@Fizbosshoes

I think we might have DH from the same catalogue. My DH very occassionally does the washing up (of stuff that cant go in the dishwasher - usually because stuff is quite baked on) Literally every time I know I will have to do it again.sometimes I just look at it and see how greasy it is, when its apparently been washed!

But why do you do it again instead of him?

See this is what I mean by things not particularly affecting some men. Why would it when you're running around after him?

It’s feigned incompetent. He does it badly so you do it. Is he a simpleton? Does he pull that kind of shit at work? No of course not because he’d be fired. Stop putting up with it and stop doing it for him. I don’t know how women can bring themselves to sleep with such feckless men. My fanny would seal shut overnight.

I agree with a pp, just a polite please do this again EVERY TIME. Do not let it go but by asking nicely you can't get the nagging accusation. It's tedious but he'll get the message. I feel irritated just reading your post, my own dh isn't much better.

I pull my partner up every time and ask him to do it again. He knows l have no tolerance with slapdash half jobs. But he doesn’t like it though

I wouldn’t be grateful at all. He live there and you aren’t a slave

Strategic incompetence, definitely

And it is irritating when clothes are spoiled because they're put away damp and go mouldy etc

But, I do think some people on MN have fixed views about how things must be done. I would never criticise my DH for not stacking the dishwasher "properly". I do it my way. He does it his way. And that's fine