Can I have a rant about dh not doing things properly?

[NearlyChristmasagain]

I suppose I should be grateful that he does things round the house, but I feel like weeping at the minute.

It's Sunday, and once again I feel like I'm drowning in housework, I'd rather be doing a bit of baking and going for a nice walk instead. I don't really know how it's got to this point because I kept on top of things pretty well during the week.

What makes it worse is dh can never do a job properly. For example, he's stuck a load of washing on this morning, it was a big load and quite dirty, but he's put it on a fucking cold wash with a 400 spin, so it's not clean nor spun properly.

He takes washing out if the drier and off the line that is still damp. He puts the dcs clothes away in the wrong places, such as ds2s school trousers in ds1s room, or my stuff in one of the dcs rooms, so I can't find anything.

If he puts ds to bed he leaves the towel, toothbrush, clothes, lying around.

Leaves mess everywhere. If I moan he stops for a few weeks then goes back to old ways.

Feels like living with a third child.

@polkadotpjs

Could've written this myself. Emptying washer onto the floor and hanging out only the things needed next day, not putting clothes away or putting them away in the wrong place/ wrong child's room, buying new socks rather than pairing them. I now leave all his socks - I simply refuse to pair them when he pairs odd ones because he can't be arsed. He's been really angry about it and doesn't see why I "can't just mine as well as the boys". Well I've stopped doing the boys' now too. Leaves slippers out and puppy chews them. I used to move them for him but don't. Gifts for his family I sort - I do his mum's because I like her and want her to have something nice. His dad's I leave. I had a huge rant on here about his mum wanting me so shop for the kids in her behalf last year but have submitted to that as I can ensure they get stuff they want. My DH will tidy and clean but in a mad burst of 3 hours during which no one must talk to him and then half an hour later he's leaving pots on the side and clothes and shoes everywhere. He's not tidy but thinks he is. His room when he lodged was a shit pit. I tidied it once for him - bloody fool that I am. He leaves dishes on the side when dishwasher is empty , fills dishwasher but doesn't switch it on (as it would then need emptying). Puts too much in the washer so it doesn't clean properly and instead of using the 40c mixed load wash - I always use this one- will use random settings. I'm warming up now- he puts wash liquid in the bit where the softener should go, or the liquid in the drawer instead of the drum so it doesn't get washed through. His laundry loads always smell weird. Mine don't so it's something he does. I assume the over filling. I could've divorced him 10 times over during lockdown I may leave if it doesn't improve over the mental load I bear rather than the lack of useful help alone. He will do some thoughtful stuff- like washing DS1 a shirt for school tomorrow but as I say then dumps the rest on the floor by the machine. Wet.

My DH isn’t so petty as yours - he will hang a whole load of washing for example but I’m so fed up of the burying his head in the sand - ignoring things that he doesn’t want to hear or doesn’t want to do (why not paint the dining room in the last 8 months when you’ve not been working? Why ignore the leak in the shower room that you noticed a few months ago? Why not go back to discuss your snoring with the Dr - the spray that you were given to try did work and your wife is still sleeping in a kids cabin bed) that I am now seriously considering leaving him.

What’s stopping me is the kids.

For their sake I’d like to think that one of us could stay in our family home but I know that I can’t afford that.

How do things work with equipment for clubs, instruments to practice etc?

We can’t have enough of everything to keep in 2 houses yet I’d hate if they were only with me one or two nights of the week.

How on earth do the practicalities and logistics work?

If anyone could enlighten me then I’d probably be able to get my plans together much sooner......

Thanks x

This thread has made me so angry. I resonate with a lot of what has been said here.

DP is so lovely, but it has taken a long while to get him to tidy/clean up after himself or do certain chores without me having to tell him.

Why have so many 'men' been brought up knowing how to do jack shit around the house? If I was their mum I certainly wouldn't be enabling a disgusting lazy pig of a son.

I do think a lot of what some of you describe, is to do with upbringing.
If a man has a good Dad, who shows their Wife/Mum respect and consideration, he's more likely to follow that example with his own wife or partner.

I'm fortunate that DH had a lovely Dad who would do his share and encourage the kids to help as well.(He's definitely NOT perfect, but then, neither am I).

If nothing else, these Dads should know what damage they are doing to their children and their future relationships.

My ex was exactly like a lot of you have said. Wouldn't do any cleaning and expected me to do it all.

My current bf didn't (and still doesn't) know how to use his parents dishwasher or washing machine when they went away just before the first lockdown so all his dirty clothes and dishes piled up until they got back and his mother just did it. I've noticed when I'm there she's constantly picking up dishes that people have literally just placed down after finishing a drink/food whatever so it doesn't surprise me that my bf leaves it all to her, since he can. He's planning on moving out on his own soon, will be interesting to see how he is when he has to look after himself!

I go nuts if DH interferes with me hanging out the washing. He doesn't seem to realise that the kids need a full outfit, not just shirts. I end up having to do it all again anyway.

So many useless men on this thread. I hope you know your current boyfriend will expect you to do everything as well @toiletpaper. Doesn't sound encouraging that his Mum does everything for him.

It reminds me of that article about divorcing someone for leaving their cup by the sink. It's all so sexist and disrespectful

I'll need to re read the cup by the sink. He's like water on a stone. Drip drip drip with annoying behaviour and then I snap but I'm being hysterical or stupid.
His dad does no cooking or laundry but does help clean. He does however sit and wait for meals to be brought to him (3 metre walk to kitchen). No help for his wife. I help but then I'm compounding the issue....

I honestly don't know how women on this thread can stomach living with such wasters.

Such strategic incompetence, selfishness would have killed the relationship dead.

I couldn't live with such stupidity.

So unattractive.

I just wouldn't be able to contain my distaste.

I feel so sorry for the children of such wasters.
Their mothers run ragged.

@toiletpaper

My ex was exactly like a lot of you have said. Wouldn't do any cleaning and expected me to do it all.

My current bf didn't (and still doesn't) know how to use his parents dishwasher or washing machine when they went away just before the first lockdown so all his dirty clothes and dishes piled up until they got back and his mother just did it. I've noticed when I'm there she's constantly picking up dishes that people have literally just placed down after finishing a drink/food whatever so it doesn't surprise me that my bf leaves it all to her, since he can. He's planning on moving out on his own soon, will be interesting to see how he is when he has to look after himself!

Why would you go from one looser to another.

30 years ago when I met my husband and went to his apartment I had the cop on to register that he lived in a clean, tidy home.

If it had been a filthy mess it would have been such a turn off.

I've never found laziness attractive in a person.🤷🏻‍♀️

Some of this incompetence astonishes me though my stbexh had to call me after he moved out to ask how to use HIS washing machine (as in which programme) after shrinking his clothes, I struggled to contain my laughter. (He also called for cooking advice eg his pasta tasted revolting, rice was mushy etc) We are on good terms by the way.

But I'm guilty too as I've managed to reach middle age having cleaned the bath only a handful of times, I hate doing it above all other jobs (mother, flat mate, cleaner, exh, dp, even paid my dd back from university to clean during lockdown.)

It's so depressing reading this. I hoped that younger men were not as bad as older generations, but they are. All these years of female achievement and advancement, but we are still the ones who end up cleaning the fucking fridge.

To the poster who wrote about her boyfriend not being able to use the washing machine or dishwasher so his mum does it all– run for the hills. Don’t waste another minute of your time on him.

Ah, incompetence at home yet competent at work.

I have told this one before. When I was a teen I visited a friend at her home. Mum was in the kitchen and called my friend's brother to help (my friend could not help as we were working together on a school project). Teen boy said no. He father immediately told him not to say no to his mum. I was impressed... for about 10 seconds. Because then...

Then the father told his son: "When you mum asks you to help, always say yes, but do it badly, then she will never ask you again."

There is clearly a lot of this. It is a tactic people use in order to not get asked to do anything useful. Utterly ridiculous. My dh is out on his ear next week and I can't wait!

I relate to so many posts on this thread.

I think a lot of it is to do with upbringing. My husband is a lazy pig around the house mainly because his mother never worked and made it her life’s work to clean up after her sons and husband. Honestly, it’s humiliating to watch. You know if someone else is collecting the plates and cutlery off the dinner table, everyone else will at least hand their dirty plates to the person collecting? Well, in their house, they don’t even do that - they sit still while she comes round and removes the dirty plates from under their noses. In the morning, my FIL comes down and plonks himself down at the breakfast table, waiting to be served. Mortifying.

But I’ve pointed out to my husband many times that I’m not happy to have that dynamic. Because at least his father took full responsibility for earning the money and let my MIL enjoy seeing the kids grow up - my husband won’t even do that. I work FT and earn more than him and he desperately doesn’t want the responsibility of being the sole wage earner (you should have heard him when I suggested going back to work PT after mat leave!)

So I earn more than half the money, do well over half the housework and well over half the childcare (he thinks childcare means putting Peppa on) and I sometimes wonder what’s in this relationship for me.

The answer of course is not what’s in it for me, but what’s in it for our child, who adores him.

I have a friend who divorced her husband and she has two kids (7 and 4) and she says life is so much easier, because she now has 2 kids rather than 3 (and the third was really hard work) and she gets every other weekend to herself.

I suppose I should be grateful that he does things round the house

Err, no....

@Shoxfordian

So many useless men on this thread. I hope you know your current boyfriend will expect you to do everything as well *@toiletpaper*. Doesn't sound encouraging that his Mum does everything for him.

It reminds me of that article about divorcing someone for leaving their cup by the sink. It's all so sexist and disrespectful

This is the article you mentioned:

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sinkbb9055288?guccounter=1&gucereferrer=aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cuZ29vZ2xlLmNvLnVrLw&guceereferrersig=AQAAAGOBs5cbSyCbhAX7Wmd-Ran--qw7uwHUyz1qW8VUHwyGN2cO3bF8GFpwctSBl90tJfkI4g76yFMTUzvEeWw495BffW8n74RtJWME8OyJ1KyBtfOz14fbGktfIOd7jUfrjNoV5GRgvQEWxIv90n1tNQ-vR08BxPZdtNWv0ZSNAQ6

When I sent it to my STBEXDP, he didn't even bother to read it, and said me spending time on MN is influencing me!

My ex was fine with sharing chores. Until my first maternity leave, when he left everything to me. I went back to work on slightly reduced hours, and he still left everything to me. Long story short, he's an arrogant arsehole who likes everything to be nicely done, but left it all to me.

I went back to full time, and he still whined that "you have more free time than me". I pulled him up short on that one, as in reality at that point he had slightly more time. I don't think it's any coincidence that he started pushing the DC to do chores after that particular argument. He still did the bare minimum, making the DC do a significant amount.

I only found out about how much they did once we left him. DD even said her dad had told her that housework had to come before homework. He was dumping loads onto them on days when I was at work or out, and he was at home sat on his arse.

Housework avoider to the extreme. Probably ties into his arrogant attitude of he was the important one in the house.

DC are happy to help do chores, probably because they see that I'm donig my fair share too. In fact, DS has taken on responsibility for sorting his own washing, changes his own bedding, etc.

Would recommend the book Fed Up by Gemma Hartley. Very validating with some useful ideas.

You should do what my MIL does with my FIL - notes around the house everywhere.

On washing machine - remember to use this setting...

On dryer - only remove if very dry

On the bathroom door - please put all towels etc away before leaving.

He's really got no excuse then.

My FIL is very absent minded. Intelligent but no common sense. I couldn't live with someone like that it would do my head in!

I find it depressing that so many women feel "grateful" for the tiniest crumbs of housework some men do.

Are these men as incompetent at work? They'd certainly risk losing their jobs if they were.

My DH is an equal partner in terms of housework. I wouldn't accept anything less.

Completely agree with you billy1966

I despair when I read these threads.

Are these men as incompetent at work?

Of course they aren't.

There are plenty of women that do encourage it though. The "he would need written instructions to operate a washing machine" posters. He wouldn't, he really wouldn't need instructions to operate a fucking washing machine. He tells you that, and you choose to believe it, because it is easier than accepting that he considers it your job by simple virtue of being a woman.

Being on maternity leave with 2 DC changed all that. Given I was off for 7 months both times, it naturally fell to me to do the bulk of the housework and cooking...then when I went back to work full-time, it stayed that way.

I'm on maternity leave and also have a 3 year old. If all of that fell solely on me as well as looking after them all day too (3 year old isn't in nursery), I would lose my mind completely.

It’s part upbringing - mother did everything for him and part being enabled by his wife/partner.
Why should a women know better how to use the washing machine correctly, what birthday present for DC to take to their friends party, when DC’s need their next dental check up or buy the DC’s the appropriate school shoes ?

*Although partner's laundry habits do drive me nuts. The amount of stuff I've had to chuck because the colours have run. Left to his own devices, he'd happily put colours and whites in together. It does drive me nuts.

And not too long ago, he kept proudly presenting me with a bundle of my clothes to put away, having put away everyone else! But we sorted that one eventually. I just stopped washing his.