Can I have a rant about dh not doing things properly?

[NearlyChristmasagain]

I suppose I should be grateful that he does things round the house, but I feel like weeping at the minute.

It's Sunday, and once again I feel like I'm drowning in housework, I'd rather be doing a bit of baking and going for a nice walk instead. I don't really know how it's got to this point because I kept on top of things pretty well during the week.

What makes it worse is dh can never do a job properly. For example, he's stuck a load of washing on this morning, it was a big load and quite dirty, but he's put it on a fucking cold wash with a 400 spin, so it's not clean nor spun properly.

He takes washing out if the drier and off the line that is still damp. He puts the dcs clothes away in the wrong places, such as ds2s school trousers in ds1s room, or my stuff in one of the dcs rooms, so I can't find anything.

If he puts ds to bed he leaves the towel, toothbrush, clothes, lying around.

Leaves mess everywhere. If I moan he stops for a few weeks then goes back to old ways.

Feels like living with a third child.

@37weekswithno2

I suppose I should be grateful that he does things round the house

No, you shouldn't be grateful. He lives there too.

This!!!

This sadly seems to the reason so many women are either SAHMs or work "part time" so they can do all the Grunt Work no one ever sees!.Equality seems very one sided doesnt it? My own DH rarely does any washing(I am a SAHM) and would need written instructions to attempt any sort of washing! Given up now .He will hoover and wash up,However Cooking,and washing seem to be beyond him .Also needs me to "tell " him to put the bin out!WTAF!

@Brefugee

I don't have this problem with my DH except for one thing. He will sweep the floor, and brush everything into a neat little pile in the corner and then leave it there even though when he puts the broom away he has to move the dustpan and brush out of the way to put the broom in its proper place.

It drives me crazy. I tell him. He just doesn't do it. So i ignore it.

Omg my DH does this and it makes me so mad!! He'll sweep all the dust and dirt into a pile NEXT TO THE BIN and leave it there, when the dustpan is literally and arms length away to grab!! Aaarrrghh!!

@dottiedodah

This sadly seems to the reason so many women are either SAHMs or work "part time" so they can do all the Grunt Work no one ever sees!.Equality seems very one sided doesnt it? My own DH rarely does any washing(I am a SAHM) and would need written instructions to attempt any sort of washing! Given up now .He will hoover and wash up,However Cooking,and washing seem to be beyond him .Also needs me to "tell " him to put the bin out!WTAF!

My own DH rarely does any washing(I am a SAHM) and would need written instructions to attempt any sort of washing!

He wouldn't 'need' them though would he? Presumably he isn't so stupid he can't work out how to wash something, or use the instructions on the bottle without bothering you?

Why have you 'given up'?

If you have daughters you are showing them that cleaning and cooking and washing are women's jobs and men don't have to do them. If you have sons, you're teaching them the same.

He is perfectly capable of knowing when the bin needs to go out. When it's full it needs to go out. When it's bin day it needs to go out. He walks past / uses the bin daily. It's painting a rather pathetic picture of him saying he needs to be told. He doesn't need to be, he just can't be arsed to think for himself and / or thinks it's beneath him.

I would find it very hard to be attracted to someone who didn't see us as an equal team and respect me, please rethink the dynamics of relationships that you're showing your children.

It's not fair on you and it's not fair on them either.

@37weekswithno2 fair point, his father’s sheer entitlement, ‘traditional’ values and bone idleness would be very much be leading by example. I’ll accept that.

However, on the one hand I’m getting it in the neck for enabling it myself by doing nearly everything because I’m sick to death of failed attempts at adult conversation about it and sick to death of game playing by going on strike, neither of which yield results, and on the other hand I’m getting it in the neck for only mentioning his mother for doing everything for him and treating him like a little prince.

At the bottom of it all, women get the blame whatever happens and the man gets away with doing fuck all.

@MissCadoganTate I believe you, I'm about to leave my DP for a myriad of reasons, and high up on the list is this type of behaviour.

He's going to get such a shock when he starts living on his own and has to do EVERYTHING I've been doing, as well as looking after our DC on a weekly basis, his older DS EOW and work at the same time

@ NearlyChristmasagain

Your DH is not incompetent, he's lazy.

If he did his job with this level of laziness, he'd be sacked !

The onus is on you and your DC to refuse to put up with it I'm afraid.

You can either force him to rectify everything he does wrong, every single time (until he realizes that doing it wrong actually takes longer for him because HE has to put it right)

Or

YOU do all the things you do for HIM wrong, every single time.

He likes his trousers ironed ? You forgot, sorry. (or only iron 1 leg )

He needs you to fill the car with petrol cos he won't have time ? Oops, sorry. (and you've also left the car full of kids crap and driver seat with ketchup on it)

He likes his steak done med rare ? Oops, sorry.

He knows his work clothes are in his wardrobe ? Oops, sorry (they're in the kids chest of drawers)

When he pulls you up on all your 'mistakes', point out that's exactly how YOU feel when HE can't be arsed to 'do things properly !'

This thread is sad. Unfortunately my life is like that too. I do all of the cleaning, washing etc... usually end up taking the bin out too as it's too full and DH hasn't noticed.
I can't ask him to do anything and if he does do something I certainly can't complain about it if it's done badly or unfinished.
His idea of clearing up after dinner is piling dishes in the sink so high I can't turn the tap on. So yes, I rather do everything myself and save the stress.
I'm trying to teach my sons (they're still little) to chip in and do chores etc and really hope that's enough because I certainly can't change him. And no I'm not able to leave.

Yes I too have been up since 7.30am doing house work but have just managed to get DH and DS to hoover and mop the kitchen and conservatory! I need a very long rest.

If my DP, DD, or DS don't do something right, I'll call them back to the scene of the crime and make them do it. DS is the worst for it, but I will tear any of them away from what they're doing right then to redo it. I figure that, eventually, they'll get fed up of having to come away from what they're doing to rewash a dish / put underwear in washing basket / hang clothes up that they'll just start doing it

I find this thread worrying. I'm single and looking for a man to settle down with. It sounds like a lot of men don't/won't do basic household chores and leave everything for their wife to do. There's no way I could put up with a man that treated me like unpaid domestic staff.

Presumably, all these crap men were great and did their fair share of household stuff when you first moved in with them, otherwise you wouldn't have married and had children with them. I'm guessing it was a slow decline over the years where they've gradually stopped respecting you as an equal partner and started treating you like their skivvy.

How do you find man that won't do that? Someone mentioned in a pp that the key is to set boundaries early on in the relationship. I think they may have a point but feel sad that men need "training" to be basic functioning adults.

My DH is like this. He’s really not great at housework and he either ignores things to be done, or does it so badly that it’s not worth having him do anything as I’ll just do it again.

I do most housework as I work part time and he has a very stressful job and brings in most of the money. I just put up with it, but occasionally I lose my rag.

@Gettingthereslowly2020

The turning point for me was maternity leave. Before I was pregnant, we shared all chores, in fact I used to gloat that my DP was so good compared to others!

Being on maternity leave with 2 DC changed all that. Given I was off for 7 months both times, it naturally fell to me to do the bulk of the housework and cooking...then when I went back to work full-time, it stayed that way.

No matter how much I ask or go on strike, changes he makes never stick, and I always end up having to do it all AND feeling resentful. We have a weekly cleaner, but lots still needs doing in between. I would never have predicted DP would turn out this way, and to the outside world he is amazing because he occasionally makes dinner. This tells me that it's not that he can't do it, he won't do it. He sees me as his domestic skivvy, despite the fact I earn more than twice what he does. I am leaving him for both my and my DC sake, as I don't want them growing up thinking this behaviour is normal.

@Muchtoomuchtodo You're so right about the 'quickest' way vs the actual way. His quickest makes more work for the long run, and it's me that picks that work up because I care the most about it being a nice home. And I don't think mine knows how much I have to do to keep us at the stage we are, which is just shy of being a general shit tip. If I actually stopped doing anything and didn't finish any of the jobs he leaves, the house would descend into actual pig sty. It's way off being the tidy home I crave, it takes me so much energy (mental and physical) to stay on top of it and not let it get worse. There's a sink full of tea bags right now, because he tips them in there out the pot every time he makes tea. The compost bin is next to the sink. I now have to bleach the sink tonight if I don't want it to be brown.

AuditAngel mine never wipes the sides either. But then I'm noticing now that he doesn't clean, he tidies. So he'll make the place look tidy if someone's coming over (obvs not at the moment) but the most cleaning he does is push a hoover round. He won't wipe anything. The one time he cleaned the kitchen floor he used antibac spray. We own a literal spray mop. It was so much more effort for him to get the wrong thing, spray it everywhere, then wipe it all up. And it left a lovely cloudy residue on my shiny tiles that took me ages to clean off. I nearly swung for him that day, instead I have to be grateful he did it and any perceived criticism is me being horrid.

Sorry OP, I'll stop hijacking your thread but man, that was cathartic.

Being on maternity leave with 2 DC changed all that. Given I was off for 7 months both times, it naturally fell to me to do the bulk of the housework and cooking...then when I went back to work full-time, it stayed that way.

It’s not “natural”. It’s social conditioning. Childcare isn’t considered work, so you end up fitting in housework as well. Not in this house. Housework was something we shared as well as childcare outside of DH’s working hours whilst I was on mat leave. And still do now.

[quote itsovernowthen]@Gettingthereslowly2020

The turning point for me was maternity leave. Before I was pregnant, we shared all chores, in fact I used to gloat that my DP was so good compared to others!

Being on maternity leave with 2 DC changed all that. Given I was off for 7 months both times, it naturally fell to me to do the bulk of the housework and cooking...then when I went back to work full-time, it stayed that way.

No matter how much I ask or go on strike, changes he makes never stick, and I always end up having to do it all AND feeling resentful. We have a weekly cleaner, but lots still needs doing in between. I would never have predicted DP would turn out this way, and to the outside world he is amazing because he occasionally makes dinner. This tells me that it's not that he can't do it, he won't do it. He sees me as his domestic skivvy, despite the fact I earn more than twice what he does. I am leaving him for both my and my DC sake, as I don't want them growing up thinking this behaviour is normal.[/quote]
I don't blame you for leaving him at all. You're a hardworking woman with two children, he's a lazy man child. It will be a lot easier when you only have to nag the children to do their chores and not a grown adult as well.

Like pp said, if he behaved like that at work leaving his colleagues to do his work, he'd be sacked.

It's so bloody disrespectful of him to treat you like that. He should be so embarrassed and ashamed of himself.

@Feminist10101

Being on maternity leave with 2 DC changed all that. Given I was off for 7 months both times, it naturally fell to me to do the bulk of the housework and cooking...then when I went back to work full-time, it stayed that way.

It’s not “natural”. It’s social conditioning. Childcare isn’t considered work, so you end up fitting in housework as well. Not in this house. Housework was something we shared as well as childcare outside of DH’s working hours whilst I was on mat leave. And still do now.

Rather than conditioning, I think it was reasonable as I had loads of time when I was on maternity leave, both DC had regular long naps during the day, so I was able to get the washing done, hoover, clean and make dinner all before he got home during the week. There was nothing for him to do round the house in the evenings!

Working full-time in a demanding senior level job, time is so much more precious, and I've had enough of him reverting to a man-child, so I'll be leaving him at the end of this year.

Rather than conditioning, I think it was reasonable as I had loads of time when I was on maternity leave, both DC had regular long naps during the day, so I was able to get the washing done, hoover, clean and make dinner all before he got home during the week. There was nothing for him to do round the house in the evenings!

Mine was working away for much of it. Only home for 48 hours per week. No family within 5000 miles. I had to sleep when DD slept during the day just to get through the week. Had DH started whinging about the backlog of washing/kitchen floor when he strolled in on Friday night after a week of hotel sleep he’d have had his arse handed to him!

SpongeWorthy I have probably painted a rather dark picture of him TBH! I just mean Washing isnt really his thing .He will hoover up and does Bin Day ,but I just cant leave him to do the washing, as like the OPs DH he will put it on the wrong wash and so on .He cycles to work each day, and I have the car for dog walks and so on .I am grateful for this ,and yes you are right not too good an example to DC ,although DS lives with GC and does his share so Im reliably informed by his DGF!We have rather fallen into this really.

OP, you said if you "moan" then he stops but then starts with the half-assed attempts again soon after.

Have you had a serious conversation with him where you lay out what you feel, why, and what needs to change? (Rather than starting with "Why can't you do X?" or "I hate it when you do X")

I don't know about your partner, but mine was raised in a home where everything was done for him, even as a teenager and adult (he moved back home in his early 20s for a bit).

When we moved in together, he would leave wet towels and dirty clothes on the floor by the bed and had no concept of how to use a washing machine. I remember just feeling really dismayed and kind of disgusted.

He doesn't do these things anymore, and contributes to household chores equally now, but it took a lot of honest conversations with him (and retraining myself from criticising him) over the course of many years.

Look up the concept of 'emotional labour' as well. This kind of situation demands a lot of it and it can be so, so draining (for you!)

I used to have a lazy, bone idle and useless dp. Who left everything to me even down to changing the loo roll! He couldn't use the washing machine and wasn't interested in learning. I literally done everything and that led to a lot of resentment.
I eventually stopped stopped washing any of his clothes that weren't waiting in the basket. (the 3 dc nailed this request quickly and learned the consequence of not doing it) Often he would have no clean work clothes because they were dumped somewhere.
My fav though - He wouldn't cook and a couple of nights a week I didn't get in from work until half 6/7 pm. So he'd be served a quick freezer tea with the kids on those nights. He would rather sit angrily glaring at me while eating his waffles and turkey dinosaurs than start a family meal himself. Dick!! I laugh about it now but it wasn't funny at the time.
My now dh, well he couldn't be more different. He lived alone for a few years before we met so is more than capable of cooking, cleaning etc..Proper jobs no corner cutting. He needs no 'help' to fathom out the washing machine controls. He is a successful adult male.

Men do this because often times they don't care and also because there are no consequences for them. Case in point - he puts the childrens clothes away in the wrong place, either the DC and/or you are inconvenienced not him. Can I ask you OP - do you do all the card sending, present buying, organising events with his family? I am willing to bet so.

The answer to this is very simple. Leave anything that affects him directly If he can't be bothered to show some respect and do things properly then leave all his stuff and don't do things for him properly e.g. serve up beans on burnt toast. This sounds petty but as other posters have said I bet he wouldn't do this at work. He does it to you because he can and because frankly he doesn't respect his family.

@itsovernowthen onwards and upwards. I hope things work out for you.

Could've written this myself. Emptying washer onto the floor and hanging out only the things needed next day, not putting clothes away or putting them away in the wrong place/ wrong child's room, buying new socks rather than pairing them. I now leave all his socks - I simply refuse to pair them when he pairs odd ones because he can't be arsed. He's been really angry about it and doesn't see why I "can't just mine as well as the boys". Well I've stopped doing the boys' now too.
Leaves slippers out and puppy chews them. I used to move them for him but don't. Gifts for his family I sort - I do his mum's because I like her and want her to have something nice. His dad's I leave. I had a huge rant on here about his mum wanting me so shop for the kids in her behalf last year but have submitted to that as I can ensure they get stuff they want.
My DH will tidy and clean but in a mad burst of 3 hours during which no one must talk to him and then half an hour later he's leaving pots on the side and clothes and shoes everywhere. He's not tidy but thinks he is. His room when he lodged was a shit pit. I tidied it once for him - bloody fool that I am.
He leaves dishes on the side when dishwasher is empty , fills dishwasher but doesn't switch it on (as it would then need emptying). Puts too much in the washer so it doesn't clean properly and instead of using the 40c mixed load wash - I always use this one- will use random settings. I'm warming up now- he puts wash liquid in the bit where the softener should go, or the liquid in the drawer instead of the drum so it doesn't get washed through. His laundry loads always smell weird. Mine don't so it's something he does. I assume the over filling. I could've divorced him 10 times over during lockdown
I may leave if it doesn't improve over the mental load I bear rather than the lack of useful help alone. He will do some thoughtful stuff- like washing DS1 a shirt for school tomorrow but as I say then dumps the rest on the floor by the machine. Wet.

Thank you @MissCadoganTate.

It's so ridiculous I can predict his answer to anything. I've just asked if he could drop the DC to pre-school and childcare tomorrow morning. He agrees but says "you'll be getting them ready". When I say "I thought you would do that", he says "no I've got work to do this evening" (replace the word work with hobby, as it's not something he gets paid for, just something he enjoys. I said to him he could go to bed earlier, but no, his hobby is more important.

This means I'll be up at 6am to get me and my things ready, the DC up at 7am to get bags ready, washed and dressed, then breakfast. He'll sleep through and roll out of bed at 8.25am, brush his teeth, then leave the house at 8.30am to drop off DC and behave as if he's Dad of the year.

The one time I refused to get DC ready because I had a report to write in the morning, he made the DC late as he couldn't be bothered getting up on time. DS in particular was so upset by it, and I don't want it to happen again, so I just get on with it.