Living near parents

[Hunnybun17]

Myself, my dh, and dd(almost 3yo) recent moved into a new build, dream home and dream location.

My parents have now put their own house on the market with a view to downsizing. They are talking about moving to the same village as us (and say it would all be the same as now and we would have our own space etc).

The village isn't small but the idea of my parents moving here makes me feel uncomfortable. I do see my parents regularly and so does my dd. Relationship with dh is strained due to some past events but everyone is civil.

I just feel that them moving to the village would be "too much" and encroaches on our family space. Further, one of the houses they are interested in is being built literally over the road from ours, we would be able to see it from our window!

I know my feelings on the matter will cause upset between me and my parents and I know I can't stop them moving where they wish.

I just wondered if any outsiders had a view on whether I am being a spoilt brat or have a valid point? I'm 30 years old with a young family (12 weeks pregnant with second) and feel that I want to bring my family up independently without being on their doorstep. It is making me feel quite anxious if I'm honest.

Any thoughts would be welcome.

TIA

You can't stop them - but I'd hate it too, especially if they were opposite.
Perhaps you could say that it might not be a good idea to move on the assumption that you'd be neighbours, as you're only planning to stay in the village in the short term. And then invent a long-cherished ambition to move somewhere they'd hate!

Completely down to what was the best house available we now live on the same development as my parents, sister’s family and grandparents.

We joked a lot about it being a nightmare but honestly, it’s turned out no different than normal.

On the other hand, in laws want to move to our county but are looking at villages as far away from us as possible and it’s actually hurt DH immeasurably that they are saying they want to move to be closer but not actually going to be closer at all.

It comes down to how your relationship is overall but I think it won’t be as bad as you fear.

My adult dd +ds live within a few minutes of us. Visits both ways are by invitation or previous arrangement only!!
Although tbh the dc drop in here but I have never dropped in at theirs! I have keys for cleaning /delivery purposes only!
Boundaries are your friend op...

You need to talk to them. It is far too close if you don't want this. I don't think you are spoilt at all. My parents would expect a visit daily if we lived opposite and comments regarding this and that (oh its raining and your washing is on the line) type of thing which is irritating.

I wouldn't be happy about this either, but I don't know what you can do about it. I don't like the idea of family being able to.pop in all the time , I'd rather know when people are coming. Some people are fine with this, it's not bratty to not be.
I've read some threads on here about family turning up uninvited all the time and its overwhelming to them, this is what's making you anxious I expect.
Are they definitely moving to your village to be nearer to you or is it just that they've by chance found a suitable house there? Not sure how to advise really as if you discussed it with them it's unlikely they'd take it well. Could another family member have a word do you think?

I live on the street as my parents (only recently, until 2 years ago I’ve lived all over EU with work). My sister lives next door to them. I pop by every couple of days and yell at them through the backdoor (lockdown means I can’t pop in for coffee anymore). My parents don’t drop in on me. My sister and her kids do, they just wander in. Pre Covid everyone wandered in and out of my parents. My DD pops in and out of my sisters, I knock. We are a close bunch and share school runs and childcare and there is a family meal or get together most weekends. I like it. My Dad does some lovely DIY for me! My mum bakes and I get to eat it.

If your parents are moving close you’ll need to talk boundaries and expectations. Who can walk into whose house, how much time will you spend together? It can be great but I can imagine it could be difficult if you aren’t all in the same page.

I would hate this ..

SIL and family live next door to PIL. Great for free childcare on tap over the years, not so great now PIL be are ageing and expect SIL to be running round after them as 'payback'. No special grandparent relationship either, just overinvolvement over the years causing frustration and resentment.
Be wary. Think long term.

I think for the sake of your and your husband's well being it would not be a good idea. I speak from experience: many years ago when I had a toddler and a baby on the way my parents announced they were moving to a house two minutes walk away from us! They had lived twenty minutes drive away which was fine but they didn't consult us and it was very tricky at times, despite them being doting grandparents. You are right in thinking it would encroach on your family space and it also affects your friendships as people see you with parents and so they don't make the same effort. My parents didn't make their own friends and although we had lots of lovely times, we could have had them without the stress of them being on top of us. I would firmly say that you do not want them to move to your village and that there are many other places not too far away which would allow you to see plenty of each other without risking falling out.

Tell them how you feel about it. That you don't want your parents as neighbours and that it will not be a positive move. If they still move after this you know where you stand.

I feel for you. MIL has said she is moving to be near us next year. She said she won't move to our village but we shall see.

She has massive boundary issues now and is generally a pain from 60 miles away. Will be putting some boundaries in place and to be blunt if she doesn't adhere we will either move or l will file for divorce. I am completely intolerant of people that don't respect boundaries.

So you need to be clear from the outset you would prefer them to call over dropping in and whilst you welcome them being more involved you need your own space as a family and they need to respect that.

I think you need to tell your parents. I would absolutely hate this. Now my dad has died, I am just not particularly keen on seeing her. I’d cry if she wanted to move near. I would speak to them.

There's no right or wrong here, it's about what is right for you and your family, yourself, your parents, partner and kids.

There is absolutely a right and a wrong way to deal with it. Honest conversations need to be had. For starters, what does your OH think? What are your parents like in general, are they the type to respect boundaries in general? Are you close?

If you feel deeply uncomfortable about raising the issue with them, that's already a sign that something about this won't work well. But its better to get everything out in the open now than let it fester unsaid.

Thank you everyone.

Its nice to hear that people have positive experiences of this, I just don't think it would work this way for us.

I will speak to my parents, they haven't actually asked me how I feel but I need to get it out there before it's too late.

Thanks for all your views, its really helped.

I think you’re overlooking a lot of positives.

• Free childcare, maybe even school pickups
• Christmas is a quick lunch instead of a days long saga with travel and sleeping with whole family squashed in spare room
• you can visit them without using up school holdiays eg at Easter
• when you’re ill there’s back up help
• when they’re old and have a fall, which they will, you can help quickly instead of having to try to sort urgent help remotely then drive on motorway etc
• children can have closer relationship with their grandparents eg a five year old can go tinker in a shed with grandpa for an hr, how fun is that! (And again a break for you).

There’s no reason to think that they will ‘pop in’ without an invite if that isn’t how you normally do things. Just set your own boundaries. I think it would be fine 🤷‍♀️

Apart from the dropping in aspect, what about the fact that you will make (hopefully) various new friends and contacts and your parents would then know all these people and basically all about your life.

Make me feel ill thinking about it!

Do speak to them about it. I am sure you can find the right words!

My mother suggested she bought the house next door. I immediately came to with a million ratings why that would not be a good idea without telling her I wouldn't want her to.

As people have said, it depends on your relationship. Mum would redirect to be over all the time, would be most hurt if I said I was going to do something without her and would be keep her eye on everyone who came into the house. Yet I know my best friend could live next to her parents and never see them.

Hello OP, I was wondering whether you spoke to your parents about it? I’m in the middle of a nightmare situation where my in laws decided to move to my village, I had the same feeling as you - really uncomfortable with it, it encroaches on our family space, feel really invaded etc.
I took a deep breath and told my DH how I felt, he totally understood, so hinted massively that other places would be better. His parents then didn’t pick up on those hints and put an offer in. DH then had a really frank and upsetting convo with them but they got angry and decided to buy the house anyway. Their view was that there was nowhere else suitable and I couldn’t expect to control where they live.
Ten months later (delayed due to covid), they are moving in next week, I am really upset about it, feel let down by both my DH and my in-laws. I don’t know how I am going to cope. I have tried to be reasonable but I have such a reaction to it. Mainly because FiL is a difficult man, is estranged from various family members due to his behaviour, and has no empathy for anyone else’s situation. He can never read the room, does whatever suits him, stays too long etc. For me it’s a privacy and independence thing, just cannot believe that anyone would do this without the blessing of the existing family. They have 4 houses already (rented out) so not like they have limited choices! Was happy with them moving closer just not within 2 miles of our house, where we share co-op, doctors, park, pubs etc!
Anyway. I was just wondering how your parents reacted to your concerns. I need to get some perspective - are my in laws unreasonable or am I??

I was going to say what @bluesky said. Especially as my kids are a little older i would be sending them to my parents here and there independently.

I absolutely agree I wouldn't wany.mum and dad on this road. I wouldn't want them to look out their curtains and see us.

My husband would also not want them calling too much uninvited.....but they already have a key to ours but don't use it unless we aren't home out of respect for us. I do the same at there's.

There are massive benefits to be had. You just need to speak to them about boundaries.

And at the end of the day you can't stop them - so make it work for you all by being honest.

indeed
What a nightmare!

My parents-in-law live on the same street as us. We are number 32 and they’re number 51.

It’s amazing, so handy and there’s lots of positives to it.

We’ve lived on the same street for 10 years and I’ve never felt they were encroaching or too close.

Not exactly the same situation but my parents moved to a nearby town to my sister after she broke up with her husband. She stayed for about a year then moved away.
My mum is a bit bitter about living in a town she doesn't like.
No one knows what the future holds. Ask them how they would feel if you moved. Would they still be happy?

there is about 24 million houses/flats in england yet they choose a place in the same village thats not a coincidence!

Personally I would prefer it, as when they get older and need more help you may end up having to drive back and forth every day. My mum lives 40 mins away and it's a real pain - I wish she lived over the road!
But if they are the type that would interfere and just keep popping in unannounced I'm not sure I'd like it!

I had a very local MIL. Honestly it contributed to the end of my marriage. Calling in daily when I had a newborn with no respect and moaning about herself. I did raise it with ex DP but he refused to address it