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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Living near parents

92 replies

Hunnybun17 · 07/11/2020 19:28

Myself, my dh, and dd(almost 3yo) recent moved into a new build, dream home and dream location.

My parents have now put their own house on the market with a view to downsizing. They are talking about moving to the same village as us (and say it would all be the same as now and we would have our own space etc).

The village isn't small but the idea of my parents moving here makes me feel uncomfortable. I do see my parents regularly and so does my dd. Relationship with dh is strained due to some past events but everyone is civil.

I just feel that them moving to the village would be "too much" and encroaches on our family space. Further, one of the houses they are interested in is being built literally over the road from ours, we would be able to see it from our window!

I know my feelings on the matter will cause upset between me and my parents and I know I can't stop them moving where they wish.

I just wondered if any outsiders had a view on whether I am being a spoilt brat or have a valid point? I'm 30 years old with a young family (12 weeks pregnant with second) and feel that I want to bring my family up independently without being on their doorstep. It is making me feel quite anxious if I'm honest.

Any thoughts would be welcome.

TIA

OP posts:
Cheeseboardandmincepies · 14/12/2020 18:29

I would be selling your house and looking at moving. I did this once, immediately regretted it moved 100s of miles away from my DP after 4 very stressful years.

GlowingOrb · 14/12/2020 18:29

The same street would be too much, but I don’t really see the problem with the same village.

Hunnihun2 · 14/12/2020 18:44

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

I lived 5 mins from my mum and 2 mins from my brother.

I don’t know what the problem is. I looked after my mum when she was ill as did db. She died about 15 years ago, but l liked living near her. My children saw her all the time. It wasn’t invasive, it was just nice.

I wish she still lived there

Not everybody has that close bond. That is the issue

OP stated something to do with her DH too..

Hunnihun2 · 14/12/2020 18:48

@houseinthesnow I agree with you. It sounds cruel but once you have your own family they become your first priority!

Eng123 · 14/12/2020 19:06

I would highlight all of the drunken behaviour in street. I'd also say that it would be nice to have them so close as they could clear up after the prostitutes before the school run.... should take care if it!

SnackSizeRaisin · 14/12/2020 19:12

I would not like it either. With my own parents they are ok but very nosy, and would be asking me who I was talking to or where I was going all the time. I wouldn't mind living in the next town about 5 miles away say.
The in laws I simply don't like them, and definitely don't want to see them any more than strictly necessary.
Things like being close enough for childcare are only any use if you would want them looking after your children!
I have other relatives that I'd love to live close to though, so it very much depends on the relationship.
However, insisting on moving in next door when the other party has told you they aren't keen is an issue in itself.

Yohoheaveho · 14/12/2020 19:15

However, insisting on moving in next door when the other party has told you they aren't keen is an issue in itself
^this
they dont care about what you want, they insist upon their right to access you/impose upon you regardless
you are to be seen but hot heard

Disfordarkchocolate · 14/12/2020 19:21

I would never move really close to my adult children unless they asked me to. By close I mean the same village, I think a town would be OK but even then I wouldn't buy a house that meant I'd have to walk passed theirs to go about my business.

TheABC · 14/12/2020 19:28

A lot depends on your boundaries and relationship.
Myself and DH are debating a move to my IL's town. However...

a) Boundaries are already in place. We are looking at an area within easy cycling distance, but not the same street.

b) They are happy with it. DH's sibling already lives in the same area and we can all see a lot of benefits from cousins growing up together, supporting each other, etc.

isawthat · 14/12/2020 19:34

I live in the same village as a lot of my family/in laws. Then others live in the nearest town. And my extended family live about 10 minutes away in a car. I moved away from them when I was a teenager (with my parents) but I didn’t like it and soon moved home. I enjoy being close to everyone, we still have boundaries and don’t see each other every day. But YANBU, it doesn’t work for everyone

Leaannb · 14/12/2020 19:43

@Yohoheaveho

However, insisting on moving in next door when the other party has told you they aren't keen is an issue in itself ^this they dont care about what you want, they insist upon their right to access you/impose upon you regardless you are to be seen but hot heard
This absolutely this. Even adult children try this and get completely offended when you block their phones or told now is not a good time or try to mooch food off you everytime you order takeout and get pissed because you didn't order enough for them
EKGEMS · 14/12/2020 20:20

@MotherExtraordinaire No one is morally obligated to care for aging parents especially within dysfunctional families. You're pretty damn judgmental

VestaTilley · 14/12/2020 20:30

YANBU. I thought this was going to be a post about you wanting to move nearer them, not the other way around.

It’s nice having family within half an hour’s drive or so (usually) so you can easily meet or have help with childcare, but NO I would not want mine over the road. It’s too much and an overstep of boundaries.

I think you need to have a gentle - but honest - conversation with them now before it’s too late. Don’t hurt their feelings, but say you want space as a family and would prefer that if they plan to relocate that it is not to the same village as you. Be firm.

ImNotCutOutForThis · 14/12/2020 20:32

My df lives 2 streets away.
My dm lives 1 mile away.
See eachother prob weekly. But for an hour or so. But equally could go a couple of weeks or more withiut contact or seeing them
Each to their own I guess. I couldn't imagine not living near them.

olivesnutsandcheese · 14/12/2020 20:59

We purposely moved to the same village as PILS. To begin with it was for support and occasional childcare, now the tables have turned that we support them more. Our village is big though and its a 10-15 min walk to their house. It's lovely being close but not in each other's pockets. I really like them though and the feeling is mutual. It will be so much easier to support them when they get more infirm.
It really depends how you get on with them.
Boundaries need to be set

Yohoheaveho · 14/12/2020 21:03

I think you need to have a gentle - but honest - conversation with them now before it’s too late. Don’t hurt their feelings, but say you want space as a family and would prefer that if they plan to relocate that it is not to the same village as you. Be firm
did you not read this part....
To this day they refuse to read my letter
OP has written a letter to explain herself and they wont even deign to look at it!
They are emperor and empress and they demand absolute and unconditional loyalty or it's no dice.
Imo, piss them off so much they flounce off forever
job done!

Birdsintrees123 · 04/11/2025 12:24

OP - I’m interested to know how things have turned out? I found myself in this situation but with MIL. She decided to move and it’s created distance and tension in the family. I broached the subject before she moved. It was really uncomfortable to do but I felt it was important to be honest. Unfortunately, she chose to move and subsequently has told other family members that she feels rejected.

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