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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Living near parents

92 replies

Hunnybun17 · 07/11/2020 19:28

Myself, my dh, and dd(almost 3yo) recent moved into a new build, dream home and dream location.

My parents have now put their own house on the market with a view to downsizing. They are talking about moving to the same village as us (and say it would all be the same as now and we would have our own space etc).

The village isn't small but the idea of my parents moving here makes me feel uncomfortable. I do see my parents regularly and so does my dd. Relationship with dh is strained due to some past events but everyone is civil.

I just feel that them moving to the village would be "too much" and encroaches on our family space. Further, one of the houses they are interested in is being built literally over the road from ours, we would be able to see it from our window!

I know my feelings on the matter will cause upset between me and my parents and I know I can't stop them moving where they wish.

I just wondered if any outsiders had a view on whether I am being a spoilt brat or have a valid point? I'm 30 years old with a young family (12 weeks pregnant with second) and feel that I want to bring my family up independently without being on their doorstep. It is making me feel quite anxious if I'm honest.

Any thoughts would be welcome.

TIA

OP posts:

amusedbush · 14/12/2020 07:51

I would despise this. I moved to the other side of the country for a reason!

I can’t believe they would consider moving right across the road...

Tumbleweed101 · 14/12/2020 07:55

My family are in the same village and I love it, especially being a single parent. It means I have help and company when needed and the children have extended family close by.

Burnthurst187 · 14/12/2020 08:05

I would like to be close but not too close. I'm talking maybe a five minute car drive as then it's not close enough for them to walk round all the time

My IL's live directly opposite MIL's DM. Believe me it's a burden on them. She expects them to do all sort of things for her. FIL gets roped into anything technical like problems with an iPad or sorting out a new broadband deal. We live twelve miles away but will be looking to move closer (four miles) in the next two years

MotherExtraordinaire · 14/12/2020 08:07

We all live minutes walk away from one another. It's amazing. If we want to, we see one another easily. If we need support/help, it's easy. If we want to be independent and not so involved, we're not invading one another.

I think that if you raise this, you may unwittingly create a rift that never heals.

It would surely be preferable to support them but perhaps encourage them away from some homes...

altiara · 14/12/2020 08:18

I don’t think you’re being a spoilt brat. Only you know what your parents are like and whether they respect boundaries, are independent etc.
From your post, sounds like you need to give them a gentle nudge to consider other places so you can all maintain a good relationship.

StoneofDestiny · 14/12/2020 08:20

I'm close to all my family but do not live physically close to any of them - different parts of the country, so we have our own friendship groups, own stories to tell, our own pubs to visit, different walks to take etc etc. When we meet up we have lots of stories to share we've not heard a thousand times before.
Downside was no childcare support, free babysitting etc, but the upsides outweigh it all and when we visit each other it's like a little holiday for each of us.
I guess it depends what you are used to.

houseinthesnow · 14/12/2020 08:26

as when they get older and need more help you may end up having to drive back and forth every day

I wouldn't say it was a given that op HAS to provide caring duties daily always that is quite a weighty expectation and some!

AlwaysLatte · 14/12/2020 08:29

I wouldn't say it was a given that op HAS to provide caring duties daily always that is quite a weighty expectation and some!
I did say 'may' - it's just something to consider, ie if OP was likely to be helping out her parents later on then it's something to factor in.

houseinthesnow · 14/12/2020 08:29

I would not like this, I love having my own life and freedom, and would find it very suffocating having my parents living virtually opposite!

I think you need to tactfully to tell them your concerns. I should think they are doing this purely for their own benefit, and seeing you as the help as they get older, and planning for a time when they are infirm. It is unfair to expect you to drop your life to serve them and their needs.

I also think it is odd and quite disrespectful that they haven't discussed it in advance with you already, and sounded out how you feel about it. Surely they know it would have an impact on your life. I wonder how your dh will feel about it?

houseinthesnow · 14/12/2020 08:33

always so the parents moving so close, really serves THEIR needs not ops. Op wants to have her young family life independently of her parents. Not unreasonably.

Original poster

Hunnybun17 · 14/12/2020 08:41

Hi all, I did speak to my parents. I've thought about updating the thread but its still very much an ongoing situation.

I spoke to dm over video chat (due to covid restrictions otherwise it would have been face to face) and explained that we would rather not live in the same village as my parents. The reaction I got was a very upset "fine - speak to you later". We then didn't speak for three weeks (except for me updating them re baby scans etc). I knew I wouldn't get the opportunity to speak or explain myself so I wrote a heartfelt letter (in which I explained I know have no right to control where they live but I should be honest about how I feel about it) before the conversation and sent it over immediately after. To this day they refuse to read my letter.

Three weeks later they sold their house so I was summoned for a "chat". I was told I have no right to control where they live (I know this as above) and they will buy the house they want to. I was accused of blackmail/using my children against them (I did not mention dd or unborn ds). They also said if we moved that would be our problem not theirs.

It looks very much like they will buy the house opposite us. They say it is the only suitable house but having spoken to them about what their expectations are, they are tailored specifically to this house and nothing else will fit.

Dh is very upset and disappointed, feels my/our concerns have been ignored and doesn't want to see them over xmas. Dps know this and are fine with it.

Indeed - yanbu in my opinion, we find ourselves in the same situation feeling the same way. I am in the same position as your dh, there is very little he can do explain how you feel to your inlaws so try not to feel too let down by him, he went to speak to them but he cannot force their hand.

I just can't believe my parents don't think we deserve a streets worth of privacy to live our lives and raise our dcs. Dm is very much the kind of person that would want to know whats wrong if we bumped into her in the gp surgery etc. My dh doesn't want to pop in the co op for a pint of milk after work and bump into them.

I should've mentioned in my original post that my dps only live 15 minutes away as of now so we don't have the travel concerns etc. Even with that I feel obliged to pop in every weekend so how it will be after their move I don't know.

Its caused a lot of anxiety and worry and it isn't over yet.

OP posts:

XmasHollie · 14/12/2020 09:05

Would you consider moving in the future?

Backbee · 14/12/2020 09:07

I live a few mins walk away from mine (I actually moved to be closer), but they are hugely respectful of boundaries in general, and I don't feel it's suffocating or anything. If though this wasn't the case then nope I wouldn't be thrilled, I think however you feel about it is 'right', but unfortunately not much you can do to physically stop them.

cactusisblooming · 14/12/2020 09:11

I can see why you might have concerns about them moving into the house opposite, but indeed I think you are being very precious about them living 2 miles away. What is considered an appropriate 'safe' distance?

Crustmasiscoming · 14/12/2020 09:17

Omg, I would hate this. A lot of people would. Please don't feel guilty for voicing your concerns.

However, you really can't stop them... all you could do is move. I imagine that will be tricky right now. But you could move in a year or two, perhaps?

MindyStClaire · 14/12/2020 09:23

Depends on the relationship. My parents don't interfere, so it would be lovely to have them nearby rather than 2.5 hours away. ILs live near BIL and his family and they're all in and out of each other's houses all the time, decisions are made en masse etc, but they're all happy. We recently changed our car (one boring family car to another) and DH was getting loads of messages from FIL and BIL to rate our choice and send links to cars for sale near them, like we couldn't use Google. I love my ILs but any closer than half an hour and I'd lose my mind. Luckily DH agrees.

MindyStClaire · 14/12/2020 09:28

Oh no OP, x-post. I'm sorry things have gone so badly. I hope things settle quickly once they move in.

Readysetcake · 14/12/2020 09:28

This makes me really sad! I would love to have my parents live close by. They are 3 hours away currently. But then I am close to them and I would be comfortable enough to explain to my mum if she was coming round too much or we just wanted some family time.

Can’t you just be honest and say I love you but if you live opposite we’d feel X Y and Z. If you are honest and explain your feelings and speak with kindness I’m sure they would understand. And if they don’t that says more about them. You’re entitled to feel the way you do but to me it’s about expressing it in a way that minimises hurt while still being honest. And maybe you’ve mad a rod for your own back seeing them every weekend? There is no need unless you are their carers? We live close to my In laws and I certainly don’t feel obligated to see them every weekend neither does DH.

dottiedodah · 14/12/2020 09:30

When DC were young ,we lived on the same 70s housing estate as DP and my DGP as well! Nan just down my road ,Mum in the next street! Loved it and miss it now we have moved away ,and they have all passed now sadly.Sometimes my Step Dad would say "I saw you were out last night ,when I was out with the dog" and that sort of thing .We Did have boundaries though .Fondly remember dropping in to DGP with DD for a natter /and a cuppa!

UglyHoose · 14/12/2020 09:43

My parents live in the same village, in fact I moved to be near them. My sister also lives on the same road as them. It's wonderful, we all help each other out and with my parents shielding through lockdown it has been invaluable to be so close...but we all have good boundaries. Although I'm sure my other half and brother in law might not always feel like that

plumpootle · 14/12/2020 09:47

I am so sorry you've been put in this position. I think it's absolutely outrageous actually.

MotherExtraordinaire · 14/12/2020 10:55

I'm glad they're sticking to their guns. The fact they're hurt was easily predicted. But you continued anyway.

To have an issue with being in the coop buying milk at the same time as them is ridiculous. As for your husband, he sounds like he has issues.

Good luck to your parents.

As for you and your family, it sound like you as parents need to mature.

mumsyandtiredzz · 14/12/2020 11:01

My parents are a few streets away and I love it, couldn’t imagine living in a different town to them. We have a good relationship though and I appreciate not everybody would feel the same way about living nearby.

houseinthesnow · 14/12/2020 11:24

Oh wow, they really really don't care about your feelings at all.

What a terrible way to behave. I am sorry op, but this is probably the reason WHY you don't want them so close, and I can see why you are upset.

You have no choice but to get on with your lives now, and ignore them. If you see them give them a cheery wave and continue living your life as you did before. Perhaps leave a plant and some fresh bread for when they move in, and then you need to keep very very firm boundaries. No one pops in without ringing beforehand, and lay out how you see this working. You have no choice, unless you are going to move.

I would be very careful about inviting them in, if they keep knocking (you can't anyway) and just continue as before. It is not ideal, but what can you do?

I would feel they have crossed boundaries actually, but with some thought I think you can still live happily and as you did before. I would plan to see them no more than you did before, at least for the first six months.

houseinthesnow · 14/12/2020 11:26

I do feel particularly sorry for your dh.

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