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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Living near parents

92 replies

Hunnybun17 · 07/11/2020 19:28

Myself, my dh, and dd(almost 3yo) recent moved into a new build, dream home and dream location.

My parents have now put their own house on the market with a view to downsizing. They are talking about moving to the same village as us (and say it would all be the same as now and we would have our own space etc).

The village isn't small but the idea of my parents moving here makes me feel uncomfortable. I do see my parents regularly and so does my dd. Relationship with dh is strained due to some past events but everyone is civil.

I just feel that them moving to the village would be "too much" and encroaches on our family space. Further, one of the houses they are interested in is being built literally over the road from ours, we would be able to see it from our window!

I know my feelings on the matter will cause upset between me and my parents and I know I can't stop them moving where they wish.

I just wondered if any outsiders had a view on whether I am being a spoilt brat or have a valid point? I'm 30 years old with a young family (12 weeks pregnant with second) and feel that I want to bring my family up independently without being on their doorstep. It is making me feel quite anxious if I'm honest.

Any thoughts would be welcome.

TIA

OP posts:

indeed · 14/12/2020 11:27

It’s really interesting - I think this is one of those things that you either “get” or you don’t. I’m totally with you and your DH OP - the GP, the Co-op, the pub, park. To some it seems crazy to feel like that, to others it feels totally understandable.
I think it just depends on the kind of person that you are (I need my privacy, even 2 miles if it!) - I think what shocks me is the other party’s unwillingness to take that on board.
To fall out over a house, when there are 24 million other options, seems so shortsighted.
It’s a Pyrrhic victory for my in-laws - they have their house that they want, but I feel unhappy, betrayed and incredibly saddened that they can’t prioritise relationships over bricks. They don’t have to understand how I feel about it, they just have to acknowledge it. My DH is in bits about it and I cannot believe anyone would do that to their child.
Ah OP, maybe we should meet for secret gin and therapy sessions!

Yohoheaveho · 14/12/2020 11:33

Your parents are the spoilt brats not you!
They didn't exactly handle it like grown-ups did they😳, I would carry on offending them in the hopes they cut you out of their lives ☺️
win-win🤭

PotterHead1985 · 14/12/2020 11:33

I am so sorry OP. You poor thing. Your parents obviously don't give a fck about you with the way they shut down the conversation without even listening to your side.

Set some firm boundaries from the start. No key. If they appear on the doorstep and you don't want to see them "sorry we are busy just now" and shut the door. If they say "i saw you such and such"/"why did you do x with the house" its "and your point is"/"because we wanted to". Questions about why you were in the GP are met with "private matter". Your husband cant stop to chat in the co-op, its just a hi/bye.

If they won't consider you at all, you dont consider them.

Yohoheaveho · 14/12/2020 11:54

your parents have always had a long-term plan to move nearer to you so that you feel obligated to fetch and carry for them as as they get older
They want to make sure you have no choice but to serve them in their dotage
You've messed up their plans, they can't explain the real reason they're angry so they are choosing the knee-jerk option of positioning themselves as the victims and you as the ones in the wrong

ChochoCrazyCat · 14/12/2020 12:15

I find this a bit sad. I grew up with extended family coming round a lot and us going to theirs. Currently my SIL has a key to our home and MIL pops up whenever. I get along really well with them both. My own mum lives far away and I'd love it if she lived down the road.
But, I realise not everyone would enjoy that. Certainly less common in England (I'm in Scotland).
Won't it be nice for your kids to have granny and granddad around a lot?
I don't think you can stop them moving where they wish but you could lay down rules about visiting etc.

Hunnihun2 · 14/12/2020 12:19

I don’t agree with it being the best development been built at the time. It’s not a coincidence that your parents have spotted a house and you could potentially see them through your window.

I’m with you OP I would absolutely hate the idea and tbh for the sake of a potential clash I would say beforehand!

This obviously depends what sort of rapport you have with your parents too. I prefer my privacy.

ChochoCrazyCat · 14/12/2020 12:24

Also I'm not surprised your parents are upset. You're their child, they raised you and now you don't even want them in the same village. I would be hurt too.
It's not like they're moving into your house. I don't really get how you won't have privacy, what will you be doing that's so top secret?
I just don't get the responses on this thread. Understandable if you have a bad relationship with your parents but otherwise what's the problem?

Yohoheaveho · 14/12/2020 12:29

You're their child
This is the crux of the matter, they want to keep OP in that subordinate relationship where you are the child and they are the grown-ups who get to call The shots
That's why she doesn't want them in such close proximity.
One's parents should always be kept at arm's length and in the rear view mirror!

MotherExtraordinaire · 14/12/2020 12:33

@Yohoheaveho

your parents have always had a long-term plan to move nearer to you so that you feel obligated to fetch and carry for them as as they get older They want to make sure you have no choice but to serve them in their dotage You've messed up their plans, they can't explain the real reason they're angry so they are choosing the knee-jerk option of positioning themselves as the victims and you as the ones in the wrong

Pure conjecture.

And actually, I believe that morally the op has a responsibility to them regardless.

houseinthesnow · 14/12/2020 16:15

And actually, I believe that morally the op has a responsibility to them regardless

And there it is, three pages is all it took!

Op you certainly do NOT have any responsibility to them!! At all. You have a responsibility to care for and raise your own children, end of. We do not have children so they become our carers as we age, it is not thw 1500s anymore! We have children because we want to, and they have their own lives once they reach adulthood, and should feel free to enjoy and live their lives how they see fit. They are not beholden to us in any shape or form.

I would be devastated if my dc decided to throw away their lives changing my nappies and cleaning my house. It is outrageous for anyone to expect that.

I would move op. As far away as possible pref with no surrounding neighbours or even overseas. Your parents are selfish and self serving, and could not care less about the impact on your marriage.

Brainwave89 · 14/12/2020 16:39

Depends enormously on how well you and your partner get on with both sets of parents. I and my husband are very close to my side of the family. My sister lived with us for three years, and we all got on fine, but then she is very easy going. On my husband's side it would have been very different. In a village as well, from experience for better or worse, everyone knows your business. So your parents may also be clued up on all kinds of minutiae around what your kids are getting up to at school, who you are not getting on with around the village etc, so I would factor in how this might play out as well.

liveitwell · 14/12/2020 16:41

Mine moved to our village last year.

Their relationship with my kids has blossomed.

The relationship between them and me has staled. The dynamics have changed and I don't enjoy it. Definitely don't suggest a house within view.

Leaannb · 14/12/2020 16:44

I absolutely abhor living so close to my adult son and family. They are nosy, intrusive and try to mooch all the time and don't understand the words we are busy go away....OK maybe thats just my DIL

StoneofDestiny · 14/12/2020 16:45

OP - the fact your parents knew you and your husbands feelings on their proposed move, and the fact they continued with it regardless shows how insensitive, controlling and interfering they are. Kids leave home for a reason and set up their new lives with other people for a reason - the fact they are barging into your new adult 'space' is abysmal. They sound deeply unpleasant people - and clearly putting their wishes ahead of yours.

Frankly I'd get my house on the market and move. Leave them to it.

StoneofDestiny · 14/12/2020 16:46

MotherExtraordinaire are you the mother of OP?

Spelunking · 14/12/2020 17:08

We live a couple of doors from my parents and it’s fine. We tend to go there rather than them coming here. They don’t like to come here when my husband is home as they say it is our family time. My mother in law keeps saying she’s going to move around here and dh says if she does then we’re moving! It just depends on what kind of relationship you have and are wanting and if they’ll go along with it. It was very handy for childcare BC.

Leaannb · 14/12/2020 17:24

@MotherExtraordinare.....Total bullocks. Adult Children have no responsibility moral or otherwise to take of their parents. The parwnts have the moral duty to provide for their own care as they age.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 14/12/2020 17:43

I live about a 10 minute drive from my parents. I love it, I'd hate to live too far away.

Leaannb · 14/12/2020 17:45

@ChochoCrazyCat

Also I'm not surprised your parents are upset. You're their child, they raised you and now you don't even want them in the same village. I would be hurt too. It's not like they're moving into your house. I don't really get how you won't have privacy, what will you be doing that's so top secret? I just don't get the responses on this thread. Understandable if you have a bad relationship with your parents but otherwise what's the problem?

You must not live in this situation. Them buying the house over the road OP and her family will have absolutely no privacy. They will know whenever they leave the house,everytime they go shopping,everytime they have visitors. Its extremely intrusive....The pressure for them to visit and OP to visit them will be immense. You don't have time to see us but you have time to see others. Its like living under a microscope and a living hell

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 14/12/2020 17:53

I lived 5 mins from my mum and 2 mins from my brother.

I don’t know what the problem is. I looked after my mum when she was ill as did db. She died about 15 years ago, but l liked living near her. My children saw her all the time. It wasn’t invasive, it was just nice.

I wish she still lived there

Yohoheaveho · 14/12/2020 17:59

We do not have children so they become our carers as we age
I hear you but sounds like MotherExtraordinaire thinks that IS why people have children

Yohoheaveho · 14/12/2020 18:01

Frankly I'd get my house on the market and move. Leave them to it
I'd wait a bit, until they're all settled in etc, then upsticks and go:)

MeadowHay · 14/12/2020 18:03

I wouldn't want to live in the same street as my parents tbf, but about anything other than that is fine with me. We live about 5 min walk from them and a further five mins away in the opposite direction is where my sister lives! We are a close family and like to be close to each other. It has been a Godsend in terms of accessing support since we had DD. But I think I'm very much in the minority on MN in having a very close family in this way from what I see on other threads tbh.

ChochoCrazyCat · 14/12/2020 18:08

@Leaannb So what if they know those things? How is it intrusive, these are the OP's parents, not random people. And I doubt they'd be sitting at the window observing the OPs movements 24/7 (or if that's the type they are then that's a separate problem from them living in the same village).
I find this thread so sad. "Pressure to visit"...like it's an unpleasant chore to visit your own parents.

Leaannb · 14/12/2020 18:17

[quote ChochoCrazyCat]@Leaannb So what if they know those things? How is it intrusive, these are the OP's parents, not random people. And I doubt they'd be sitting at the window observing the OPs movements 24/7 (or if that's the type they are then that's a separate problem from them living in the same village).
I find this thread so sad. "Pressure to visit"...like it's an unpleasant chore to visit your own parents.

Where I live there are loads of old people just left alone, their children rarely visit and there's no one to help them if they're struggling, just some carers who do the odd visit.
If children don't have a moral responsibility to care for their parents then who does? The state?
[/quote]
Because its not their business. I don't have this problem with parents but with an adult child. Its too close. Asking you who is visiting you is intrusive. Being told you have time for visitors but not them is tiring. Getting phone calls because you have a repairman at your house....It doesn't matter if they are her parents or if he is my child. Its annoying and can destroy relationships. Its a power game and when she doesn't play it. They will kick off.

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