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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sister visiting my parents during lockdown

118 replies

Toobusytowee · 07/11/2020 16:55

Please help me decide if IABU because I can’t work out if I am justifiably angry or if my sister is being selfish. I will be guided by you, thanks.

My sister lives abroad with her husband and three children. They were last in the UK back in January and our parents haven’t seen them or their new baby that was born in Feb since then.

They have bought plane tickets to come over and have a holiday and spend Christmas with my parents, staying in their house. They will be arriving here at the end of November.

My concerns are- our parents are over 65 and both of them have health issues. They have been following the rules and hardly venturing into public places. My parents find it very hard to say no to anything involving their children.

My sister has said they will self isolate for 14 days per the rules and will not see anyone or go anywhere. However, they will be travelling on a plane for 6 hours, passing through an airport, having a lift off a family member in their car for 30 mins to my parents’ home.

My sister and mum thinks all this is ok. I personally think it is madness. They are bringing risk to my parents and breaking the law by having a holiday and mixing households.

I feel my sister is being selfish and putting her wish to ‘have a rest and eat pork and drink wine’ above the health of our parents and the risks to the community from their actions.

Please tell me if I am justified in my concerns or if I need to butt out.

Thanks.

OP posts:

TheKeatingFive · 07/11/2020 18:46

I am not treating my parents like children at all

Read your OP again and compare how much of it is being angry with your sister and how much of it acknowledges that your parents are adults who can make their own decisions.

TheTeenageYears · 07/11/2020 18:50

They can legally come to the UK from KSA as long as they quarantine for 14 days on arrival. Arrival during current lockdown period means they can't legally stay in a hotel or airbnb. Once they arrive at your parents they should keep away from others as much as possible but it also means yours parents can't have any visitors to the house in those 14 days (once lockdown ends) and if it's not possible for your parents to be isolated from them the whole house should self isolate for 14 days.

This is more of a moral dilemma but unless you have lived abroad you just won't understand what it's like to be living abroad during the pandemic. During the first lockdown when everyone started zoom calling, setting up quizzes etc I thought maybe people at home will understand what it's like to be away for most of the year now. How hard was lockdown for you OP? Did you miss your parents? That's what it's like for your sister for most of the year every year she's been abroad. Being away with children and having no family support system is tough - i've been doing it for more than 10 years so I can completely understand why she would want to come home although if it were me I would wait until after lockdown, book an Airbnb for the first 14 days and then stay with parents after that.

MrsBrunch · 07/11/2020 18:51

I don't understand why your parents would have them to stay if they don't want to.

katy1213 · 07/11/2020 18:58

You will find when you get to 65 that your knees might creak a bit in the morning but your brain will be remarkably un-addled and that you are perfectly capable of making your own decisions without anyone else sticking their oar in.
If you feel they are being reckless, then you are free to refuse any invitations to socialise over Christmas. Otherwise, it's none of your business.

Milkshake7489 · 07/11/2020 19:01

I understand why you're worried but I have to say a gentle YABU.

Your parents are adults and have the right to choose whether to see your sister for themselves... even if you are understandably concerned.

And asuming Boris doesn't backtrack, they may be fine to meet under the rule of six anyway.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 07/11/2020 19:02

I can understand the concerns here but l'm not sure there is much you can do. If you have raised your concerns with both parties, leave it at that.

Afaik they will need to leave a forwarding address and some people have reported local police checking they are isolating after a holiday so if someone checks they are risking a fine.

StCharlotte · 07/11/2020 19:04

Anyone else got a sense of deja vu?

MadinMarch · 07/11/2020 19:10

FFS! What is wrong with everyone on here tonight?
We're in the middle of a pandemic lockdown (assuming parents live in England) and not able to go into other peoples households or even their gardens, and most people here are saying it's absolutely fine to have visitors staying from a high risk overseas destination, having spent 6 hours on a plane getting here???
Really? Just listen to yourselves?
I'm appalled at the lack of compliance and/or understanding of the majority on here about the current restrictions. Of course you're right to be very concerned OP, and to have a definate view on their behaviour! (and it has nothing whatsoever to do with infantalising older people).
Tell your sister she's out of order and to wait until it's safer, unless she can find a place for her and her family to self isolate for a few weeks before seeing your parents or anyone else.

FlibblyFlobblyFloo · 07/11/2020 19:14

It’s not lack of compliance though is it. They are travelling home and LIVING with a family member for X amount of weeks. They are forming 1 bubble. Not visiting for 1 night and going home again.

Unsure33 · 07/11/2020 19:17

Can they afford to buy private tests to use as soon as they arrive ?

Lou98 · 07/11/2020 19:17

Your parents are capable of making their own decisions, they want to see their family so have chosen to accept the risk, not sure why you think it's your place to question their choice, they're adults and your parents, not your children and not your business to police. As for not forgiving your sister if she passes it on to your parents and something happens, they made that decision themselves and isn't solely down to your sister.

There's been so many threads like this recently, your parents are 65, your sister has a new grandchild they've not met or met once (not quite sure from your OP) at the start of the year, I completely understand why they would want to take the risk. Coronavirus isn't going anywhere, how long do you expect them not to see your sister/grandchildren? What kind of a life is that to live? The fact is, nobody knows how long we've got left, let people make their own decisions on what they want to do with the time they've got.

Have you seen your parents since March?

MadinMarch · 07/11/2020 19:19

And just to reiterate in case my previous post was not strongly worded enough, it's not really a case of the 'parents' choice', as they will be breaking the lockdown regulations. It's very selfish and ignorant and they would deserve a very hefty fine for deliberately breaking the current regulations.We're all making sacrifices at this time obviously some of us, much more than others

Goosefoot · 07/11/2020 19:20

If I were older, with health issues, and I hadn't seen my child for a year, or my grandchild at all, I would absolutely want to see them. Even if I knew it was a 50-50 chance of getting covid. Or more, for that matter.

TheDowagerDuchess · 07/11/2020 19:22

Gosh you seem to have great contempt for your sister!

Is she a single parent, is that why you feel superior?

HitchikersGuide · 07/11/2020 19:23

@TheKeatingFive

Surely it’s up to your parents whether they’re happy with the risk? You can share your concerns with them, but it’s their decision.

This

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 07/11/2020 19:25

I don't disagree @MadinMarch and people not following the rules is why we are in this mess again. Out of interest, his.many people have you challenged about not following the rules that have actually listened? I've had this with members of my own family and they have their excuses ready as to why the rules don't apply to them. It's pointless.

HyacynthBucket · 07/11/2020 19:25

If your parents get ill, it will be you, especially if you live near them, and not your sister who has to pick up the pieces. By then she will probably have sodded off back abroad. It is not the right time for this visit. You are right to be very concerned about it. Apart from making your views known, there seems little you can do.

MadinMarch · 07/11/2020 19:25

@FlibblyFlobblyFloo
It’s not lack of compliance though is it. They are travelling home and LIVING with a family member for X amount of weeks. They are forming 1 bubble. Not visiting for 1 night and going home again.

Of course it's a lack of compliance! You'd have to be a real moron to think that it's ok to have visitors overnight for weeks on end when you can't even have them for one night, or, have them even step over the doormat for ten minutes!

MrsBrunch · 07/11/2020 19:26

@FlibblyFlobblyFloo

It’s not lack of compliance though is it. They are travelling home and LIVING with a family member for X amount of weeks. They are forming 1 bubble. Not visiting for 1 night and going home again.

They can't form a bubble as none of them are from a single adult household. Why do people find this so difficult to understand?

Hugosmugo · 07/11/2020 19:34

I am so sad at what the world has become. They haven't seen their daughter since January or even met their grandchild. When will this all end? I'm not saying go out and have a party but meeting a grandchild that is already closer to a year old?! I'd do it.

StrippedFridge · 07/11/2020 19:38

Is the airline definitely running the flights?

EatTheHamTina · 07/11/2020 19:41

Tbh if your parents are happy with it then it has nothing to do with you. Making an issue when there isn't one in all honesty. They can decide what's right or wrong for them.

Quaagars · 07/11/2020 19:42

I can’t see the issue, they’re self isolating for 2 weeks and following the rules. What is it about it that you’re annoyed about?

They're flying in from another country to mix with another household.

That's not self isolating, self isolating means just that - self.
You cannot mix households until this national lockdown is over on the 2nd Dec.
They would be mixing households.

They are forming 1 bubble. Not visiting for 1 night and going home again

Again,
How is that a bubble?! Parents live together, so can't bubble with them.
Sis is with her DH and the kids.
You can only bubble with someone if they live by themselves.
So how are they sticking to the rules in any way, shape, or form?
I was on a thread earlier saying "yes, go to the Range, it's perfectly allowed as it is but this is just bonkers, not sure why everyone is saying YABU!
You clearly aren't.

EatTheHamTina · 07/11/2020 19:43

as well as showing off her new baby and spending time with family.

you actually sound quite jealous tbh.

Quaagars · 07/11/2020 19:45

@TheDowagerDuchess
Gosh you seem to have great contempt for your sister!
Is she a single parent, is that why you feel superior?

It literally says in the OP husband and three children coming over as well, so not sure why you're snarking about contempt, and superiority over single parents from?

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